Friday, June 08, 2007

Ten years ago Tuesday...

Ten years ago this past Tuesday, I got down on my knees and asked someone I loved if she would share her life with me.

She was sitting in the floor of my bedroom, working on a jigsaw puzzle. And had been mostly oblivious when I pushed play on a cassette I had cued up to the beginning of "our" song.

When I knelt down, she looked up from what she was doing. Before I could utter words, she saw the tiny red box in my trembling hand. Her tears preceded her answer.

I wrote this a couple of years after we broke up, long before I even knew what a blog was. It's raw and unedited and just as I wrote it then.

Oh, and we never finished the puzzle.


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Even though people may think about dying, they always think they have more days left to live. And even though in the back of their minds, people know life has to end somewhere, they act and live as if it just goes on and on. That's how it was for me with Lily. I never thought for one moment that we would ever not be together.

It was just like life. I would wake up and Lily would be in my life. I would go to sleep and Lily would be in my life. In the back of your mind, you know that either you will marry this person or you will have to say good-bye, but I never thought which of those two ends we would come to.

Even when I decided to propose to Lily, I cannot explain it, but I never thought a whole lot about being married. That is not the best way to word it, for I did want to marry her someday, but I do not know how else to say it.

After we were allowed to see each other freely, our relationship quickly began having its ups and downs. There were still plenty of fun times, but I do not think many of them were ever as wonderful as the days when we could not see each other.

More than anything, there are moments in time, places and things that I remember about Lily. One strange thing that I discovered is that when you use a payphone somewhere, then whenever you pass that phone again, you always remember the time when you used it, what you used it for, and even a bit of how you felt when you used it. I suppose that is an observation that seems to come from nowhere. But I think that it is true.

It is like a song. There are certain songs that when you hear them, you remember a particular time you heard them, what you were doing, who you were with, and how you felt. And for a brief moment, a song or a payphone can bring back a past feeling. They can make you happy when you are feeling sad. Or they can bring back a melancholy feeling and make you lonely.

Sometimes I think we live our lives either yearning for the past and something that we can never recreate, or longing for the future and something that we never quite attain. And some people will say that we should only live today.

But I think that today is only yesterday's future and tomorrow's past. And life is only made up of all the days of our past and our future. And we mainly yearn for the bigger part of it. The young long for the future, and the old for the past. And I do not think that remembering, or thinking about, or longing for anything or anytime that made you happy could ever be wrong.

If I was the horrible one in the last months of our relationship, it was Lily that was more difficult in the early days. I remember she would be very moody and sometimes jealous and sometimes just hard to get along with. But unlike my actions, most of this probably could be blamed on immaturity, since she was only seventeen or eighteen during these times.

I would have given anything for her just to be happy, and for us not to ever have any problems or difficult times. It was my reasoning at that time that she was somewhat insecure and that the way to solve all our problems would be to buy her a diamond ring and ask her to marry me.

Another reason I proposed is because of something one of my aunt's had said one evening when we were all at my parents' house. She probably said it in passing, but she had always been my favorite aunt. The subject of Lily came up, and my aunt said, "You know, she'd make you a good wife." Or something to that effect. It was something that always stuck with me.

Sometimes people say things in passing, but the affect they have on the listener is great. Another time I remember talking with someone I greatly respected. I was talking about being unhappy with my job. And he said something to the effect of "well there are always people who will hire you" or "you can always find work." And soon afterward, I quit my job. And it was not easy to find work.

Lily and I had been together for two years now, and although my rational side told me to wait a little longer till she got along in college, my emotional side decided to propose.

I remember I was supposed to see Lily the day that I purchased her ring. I had my heart set on a heart-shaped diamond solitaire. The size really did not matter too much, except for the fact that she had a small, petite hand, and I had been told once by a jeweler that a very large ring would not look right on her hand.

I had to call at least three or four places before I found a jewelry store that had a heart-shaped solitaire, and the store that did only had one. So I decided to take what they had. It was my only choice, other than to wait.

I went to look at the ring and it was really beautiful, and I was sure Lily would think so too. I just remember thinking how happy this would make her and that all our problems would be solved and that we would be in love forever. I was so happy.

After purchasing the ring, I had to decide how I was going to propose. I remember once when I was at her house, I showed her mother the ring. She liked it and said she was sure Lily would like it as well.

Even though her parents had not agreed with our relationship at first, they had accepted it by now and I always thought well of her mother, and I think she thought well of me. Although we never really talked about it that much. I do not think I showed anyone else the ring ever, even my parents did not see it I do not think, before I gave it to Lily.

Looking back, I think that it felt like we were engaged from the first time we were together. We would always talk about forever, and I never thought about dating another girl and I am sure she never thought of being with someone else either. For although there are many things I do not know or understand about Lily, even to this day, I do know that she loves with all that she has, and that I could trust her always. That is something that is hard to find.

She loved the way that one should love, with all her heart, and all her being. And even though she has faults like everyone does, her love is true and strong and precious and should be treasured more than all the money and gold and diamonds in the universe. I know this now, sadly, looking back.

I knew that she would be surprised that I had decided to propose to her, for we never really went shopping for a ring. And although we would write in cards and letters about how we would love each other forever, there was nothing to indicate that I was about to propose. The proposal was original I guess, if quite simple.

I knew that it would not matter. For even though every girl says that she wants a boy to surprise her like no one has ever been surprised before, most of the good ones are completely happy no matter how they receive it.

Lily was no different. She was as happy I guess as I ever saw her that night. We called friends, went to see friends, called our families, and celebrated our love.

From that high, I guess we had no where to go but down.

23 comments:

  1. Bone I hope this week hasn't been too hard on you.

    I don't know where to begin. It's so beautiful in its rawness.

    So amazingly easy to relate

    Love the intro about the jigsaw puzzle

    I never thought for one moment that we would ever not be together. Totally understand this

    The part about the phone booth, your aunt, somebody you respect telling you jobs were easy to get...

    Wanting the perfect ring

    The expectation of marriage and the long thinking about being engaged, but never really thinking about marriage

    I can not tell you how much I love this and how much it makes me ache for you and Lily

    And makes me remember a time I did marry somebody who had every expectation you did but never thought about the actual marriage part :)

    Selfishly I want you to leave this up for a week at least--front and center

    I can go on but it would be longer than the post

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  2. I don't know how it's possible to have so many words and so few at the same time.

    I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks and dropping heavily from my chin.

    This is so gorgeous, honest, expressive, real, raw and every adjective that comes to my mind needs to be typed here.

    She loved the way that one should love, with all her heart, and all her being. And even though she has faults like everyone does, her love is true and strong and precious and should be treasured more than all the money and gold and diamonds in the universe.

    This is too true. So many people believe forget that love is something that you must do with every fiber of your being. It's something that must be built to endure. That LOVE is the most important thing and that it can and will, if nourished and protected, rise above all else.

    Lily loved you like that. I'm certain she still does, though that love may have altered from a romantic one to one of deep friendship and respect.

    This post is simply a statement of a memory that you will always have. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    But, I must say that I hate your final line. It sounds so doomed. Our future is what we make it, Bone. Things do not happen TO us. It may seem like you had nowhere to go but down, but I would say it was a peak at the beginning of journey . . and you never got to reach the other mountains to see their heights.

    You will. With someone else, perhaps even with her, but you will find other highs - and other lows - but they will all be worth the travel.

    My heart hurts in so many ways right now.

    I love this post. I love this honesty. And I love that you've learned what love is - what it should be - and what it can be.

    You are astounding in your writing and in your life.

    You will find a love like this again. And this time, you will continue on to other peaks.

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  3. I can't stop reading this post

    The last line works for me so well because the post leads up to it

    The wonder of young love, of being engaged, of having the world in front of you--it never can be that

    It might be something better. But it will never be like that first amazing love that almost can't work

    If it does, it has to come down to a true reality and meeting of minds, and the road must be worked on.

    Some people have story book romances their whole lives but even the ones that seem it, so much happens.

    This is about that small window in life when nothing seems impossible

    I'm sorry Bone. I can just go on and on about this

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  4. this is so beautiful and sad and true. thanks for sharing this piece of you with us.

    xo

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  5. This is some really touching writing. I am so sorry you have had to deal with this pain in your life. My story is so different from yours, but the pain of a broken heart is crushing no matter who you are, and I'm sorry that you, too, have had to work through this. You're young, intelligent, friendly, funny, and good-looking...I pray that another Lily will come your way and give you some real joy in your life! :)

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  6. PIa: The expectation of marriage and the long thinking about being engaged, but never really thinking about marriage

    Exactly. You said that part better than I managed to.

    This is about that small window in life when nothing seems impossible

    Well said. Perfectly put. Thank you.

    Avery Laine: Thank you. This is definitely honest and raw, as it was never intended for an audience.

    I agree you do have to give your everything in love. As far as the last line goes, that was hindsight. Obviously, I didn't feel that way that night. And you're right. There will be other peaks. And valleys.

    Sizzle: Thanks. Posting this really does feel like posting a literal piece of me.

    Jennifer: Thank you. It's far in the past now. But it's all a part of life and I'm thankful for the experiences and lessons learned.

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  7. You need to find a better memory for this anniversary.

    Maybe you and your friends should try to do "The Great Soda Bottle & Can Deposit Rebate." You'll just need a mail truck.

    Or maybe you should get invited to the "Neumilimum."

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  8. Young love is so painful... I have memories of a love like that, when I was that young or younger, and very foolish.

    Fortunately for me, I met my husband through the guy, which provided my happy ending and something to celebrate, but it doesn't make the pain go away when I think of what came before.

    I remember, and I feel for you. I'm glad you shared such a sensitive side. Here's hoping you find the right woman for your future (lifting imaginary glass of champagne your direction).

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  9. Words escape me. I loved your post. It is a strong insight into your life. I could relate to so many things. You are very right about the memory factors. It amazes me how smells, sounds, words, objects trigger strong memories, both good and bad.

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  10. I could say how beautiful it is and how sad it makes me just like everyone else, but I'm going to spare you the super long comment where I pick out every touching line and instead tell you that as I read and reread this post, one paragraph stayed with me.

    For even though every girl says that she wants a boy to surprise her like no one has ever been surprised before, most of the good ones are completely happy no matter how they receive it.

    It's amazing how, as a male, you can pick that out. So very true. If there is love on both sides... it's the perfect moment. And that's all anyone can ask for.

    10 years is a big milestone, Bone. Hope you're doing ok with this. *hugs*

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  11. Gee, even your 'raw and unedited' writing is darn good.

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  12. I always enjoy reading what you write, even if it's heartbreaking.

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  13. When I read this line, "She loved the way that one should love, with all her heart, and all her being. And even though she has faults like everyone does, her love is true and strong and precious and should be treasured more than all the money and gold and diamonds in the universe."
    I hope someone sees that in me some day. It was a beautiful thought, I hope you get to see it again, too!

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  14. Renee: Oh, no way I'm doing that Michigan bottle deposit scam again :) And it's really not a bad memory.

    Gay: Aww, thank you. I guess this is something a lot of people can relate to. I'm glad you found your happy ending :)

    Kontan: Thanks. Yeah, this tells a lot about why I am who I am today.

    Traveling Chica: It's amazing how, as a male, you can pick that out.

    LOL Yeah, I pick up on things once in a blue moon. The rest of the time, I'm oblivious.

    GirlFPS: Well, thank you :)

    Xinher: Thanks. That's a very nice thing to say.

    Esmerelda: I believe I will. And I wish the same for you.

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  15. You my dear, will make someone a great husband one day. You have an awesome capacity for deep love from all angles.

    Beautiful.

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  16. That is great writing. She really has left a mark in your heart... she had to be a very special person. You'll make a great husband!

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  17. But I think that today is only yesterday's future and tomorrow's past. And life is only made up of all the days of our past and our future. And we mainly yearn for the bigger part of it.

    so true, so true... it's a concept i try to express to my students - today is ONLY one day in our lives - no matter what has happened or will happen

    it all creates who we are and who we will become - do we ever wish we could go back and change things? maybe - but in reality, if we did - who would we then be?

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  18. Awww, I'm sorry :-( Seems like there's never a dull moment huh? :-(

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  19. Three days later . . .
    And this is still the most horrendously beautiful thing I have ever read.

    You have a true gift.

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  20. Bone marries Lilly-
    in her journal she writes about the 30 pounds she's gained.

    How lovely the kids are, and yet- what she's exchanged.

    Bone looks on in love-
    she looks on in saddness...

    Knowing she will never be the One he fell in love with -

    Him never understanding who she became, as the Mother of his children.

    me....

    do you know who? Or how much I grieve?

    Bless you Bone-

    You've made me see me in a differnt light- thank you~

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  21. Two things I have learned in life, jealousy and insecurity do not make for a happy marriage, and it is usually more than one thing that breaks up a marriage.

    I have been married three times, and each time I went into marriage thinking, i want this forever, only to find out life was just easier without them. Sometimes it boils down to that one thing, it just isn't worth the hasstle. If it is worth the hasstle, then you stay married.

    it is a heartfelt story, which I am sure many will be able to relate.

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  22. Bone - I really must know, why can you not now go get this woman? You could marry her now.

    The rest of the story is yours to write? Isn't it?

    Why?

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  23. Shelby: Thank you. Those are very kind words. As for why, I guess a lot of reasons. For one, it's been ten years. Things change.

    Kerry: Thank you! She was. And I hope I will :)

    Question girl: Very true. It's easy to think we'd like to go back, but we are who we are today because of those things we did and maybe even mistakes we made yesterday.

    Arlene: There's always something there to remind me...

    Avery Laine: Wow. It's hard for me to accept such compliments sometimes, but thank you.

    Anonymous: I'm glad this touched you in some way. Thank you.

    Nea: Well, I've never been married, but in relationships in general, it does seem that many problems begin with jealousies and insecurities. Thanks for visiting.

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