Take me home...

A few weeks ago I found myself on a road I've been on many times before. A two-lane country road not all that distinguishable from any of ten thousand others. It wasn't the most direct way to get to where I was going that day, but it was the way I needed to take. As I drove, I remembered. And though I never lived on that road, it felt like years of my life had been spent there.

Almost immediately, I recalled an icy night some years ago that resulted in a scarcely visible dent beneath the passenger side door of my Jeep. Suffice it to say the fourth mailbox on the right side of the road used to be wooden. You never forget your first.

A little further down I passed the old ball field, still standing but barely. The roofs gone off both of the concrete dugouts. The outfield fence rusted and torn down in places. The grass grown high. I remember when it came to life almost every summer night with bright lights, kids playing, parents cheering, coaches yelling.

If you take a left across from the ball field, it'll take you past the high school and the football field where one cold January morning I ran headfirst into the goalpost while not wearing a helmet. (Not intentionally.) Being knocked unconscious isn't loads of fun when it happens, but it makes for a decent story later.

But I didn't drive out by the school. I stayed on my current path, and I knew what was next. It's the fifth road on the left after you pass the Baptist church. The memories started to come. I pressed on the gas a little harder, maybe hoping I could outrun them. I loved a girl who lived down that road, and probably always will.

Almost to the top of the hill is the cut off to Roller Coaster Road. I'm sure I smiled as I passed it, thinking about all the afternoons spent running wide open up and down those hills. Top down. Stomach flipping. And time to burn.

The thought of turning around and taking one more ride on Roller Coaster Road briefly crossed my mind but I continued on, down the hill and finally to the stop sign. There on the corner is a little country store. Or used to be. It's been closed for years now, but the building is still there, looking dilapidated at best.

Some nights we would stop there and get a cold drink out of the machine after parking in the cotton fields, if we had enough change and enough time before daylight. I don't know what good it would have done, but part of me wished the store was still open. And I probably would have stopped off for a coke if it had been.

If you go straight at the stop sign, the paved road ends and dirt roads lead through miles of cotton fields. There are a couple of sharp curves and if you don't know the road well, perhaps on a foggy night, your friend's car might end up in a cotton field, on its side. And you might have to go back the next day to help him push it over so that another friend can tow it home.

I turned left at the stop sign. It was Thanksgiving day, and I had decided to visit the cemetery. Mamaw and Uncle J had been such a huge part of Thanksgiving for so many years, it just felt right to pay them a visit.

As I left that two-lane country road behind for another, I was astounded by how many memories were associated with that single stretch of highway. I felt a sense of home. I felt grounded.

There's something comforting in a place like that. Knowing that the memories are always there, just waiting until the next time I take a slight detour from life and go for a drive down that road. A road I know so well it feels like I could drive it with my eyes closed.

And sometimes I think I did.

"Ain't that just like a dream, runnin' wild and runnin' free. We were rebels chasin' time against the wind. Sometimes I long for just one night of the way I felt back then. But ain't that just like a dream, it always ends..."

Ten years ago Tuesday...

Ten years ago this past Tuesday, I got down on my knees and asked someone I loved if she would share her life with me.

She was sitting in the floor of my bedroom, working on a jigsaw puzzle. And had been mostly oblivious when I pushed play on a cassette I had cued up to the beginning of "our" song.

When I knelt down, she looked up from what she was doing. Before I could utter words, she saw the tiny red box in my trembling hand. Her tears preceded her answer.

I wrote this a couple of years after we broke up, long before I even knew what a blog was. It's raw and unedited and just as I wrote it then.

Oh, and we never finished the puzzle.

-----------------------

Even though people may think about dying, they always think they have more days left to live. And even though in the back of their minds, people know life has to end somewhere, they act and live as if it just goes on and on. That's how it was for me with Lily. I never thought for one moment that we would ever not be together.

It was just like life. I would wake up and Lily would be in my life. I would go to sleep and Lily would be in my life. In the back of your mind, you know that either you will marry this person or you will have to say good-bye, but I never thought which of those two ends we would come to.

Even when I decided to propose to Lily, I cannot explain it, but I never thought a whole lot about being married. That is not the best way to word it, for I did want to marry her someday, but I do not know how else to say it.

After we were allowed to see each other freely, our relationship quickly began having its ups and downs. There were still plenty of fun times, but I do not think many of them were ever as wonderful as the days when we could not see each other.

More than anything, there are moments in time, places and things that I remember about Lily. One strange thing that I discovered is that when you use a payphone somewhere, then whenever you pass that phone again, you always remember the time when you used it, what you used it for, and even a bit of how you felt when you used it. I suppose that is an observation that seems to come from nowhere. But I think that it is true.

It is like a song. There are certain songs that when you hear them, you remember a particular time you heard them, what you were doing, who you were with, and how you felt. And for a brief moment, a song or a payphone can bring back a past feeling. They can make you happy when you are feeling sad. Or they can bring back a melancholy feeling and make you lonely.

Sometimes I think we live our lives either yearning for the past and something that we can never recreate, or longing for the future and something that we never quite attain. And some people will say that we should only live today.

But I think that today is only yesterday's future and tomorrow's past. And life is only made up of all the days of our past and our future. And we mainly yearn for the bigger part of it. The young long for the future, and the old for the past. And I do not think that remembering, or thinking about, or longing for anything or anytime that made you happy could ever be wrong.

If I was the horrible one in the last months of our relationship, it was Lily that was more difficult in the early days. I remember she would be very moody and sometimes jealous and sometimes just hard to get along with. But unlike my actions, most of this probably could be blamed on immaturity, since she was only seventeen or eighteen during these times.

I would have given anything for her just to be happy, and for us not to ever have any problems or difficult times. It was my reasoning at that time that she was somewhat insecure and that the way to solve all our problems would be to buy her a diamond ring and ask her to marry me.

Another reason I proposed is because of something one of my aunt's had said one evening when we were all at my parents' house. She probably said it in passing, but she had always been my favorite aunt. The subject of Lily came up, and my aunt said, "You know, she'd make you a good wife." Or something to that effect. It was something that always stuck with me.

Sometimes people say things in passing, but the affect they have on the listener is great. Another time I remember talking with someone I greatly respected. I was talking about being unhappy with my job. And he said something to the effect of "well there are always people who will hire you" or "you can always find work." And soon afterward, I quit my job. And it was not easy to find work.

Lily and I had been together for two years now, and although my rational side told me to wait a little longer till she got along in college, my emotional side decided to propose.

I remember I was supposed to see Lily the day that I purchased her ring. I had my heart set on a heart-shaped diamond solitaire. The size really did not matter too much, except for the fact that she had a small, petite hand, and I had been told once by a jeweler that a very large ring would not look right on her hand.

I had to call at least three or four places before I found a jewelry store that had a heart-shaped solitaire, and the store that did only had one. So I decided to take what they had. It was my only choice, other than to wait.

I went to look at the ring and it was really beautiful, and I was sure Lily would think so too. I just remember thinking how happy this would make her and that all our problems would be solved and that we would be in love forever. I was so happy.

After purchasing the ring, I had to decide how I was going to propose. I remember once when I was at her house, I showed her mother the ring. She liked it and said she was sure Lily would like it as well.

Even though her parents had not agreed with our relationship at first, they had accepted it by now and I always thought well of her mother, and I think she thought well of me. Although we never really talked about it that much. I do not think I showed anyone else the ring ever, even my parents did not see it I do not think, before I gave it to Lily.

Looking back, I think that it felt like we were engaged from the first time we were together. We would always talk about forever, and I never thought about dating another girl and I am sure she never thought of being with someone else either. For although there are many things I do not know or understand about Lily, even to this day, I do know that she loves with all that she has, and that I could trust her always. That is something that is hard to find.

She loved the way that one should love, with all her heart, and all her being. And even though she has faults like everyone does, her love is true and strong and precious and should be treasured more than all the money and gold and diamonds in the universe. I know this now, sadly, looking back.

I knew that she would be surprised that I had decided to propose to her, for we never really went shopping for a ring. And although we would write in cards and letters about how we would love each other forever, there was nothing to indicate that I was about to propose. The proposal was original I guess, if quite simple.

I knew that it would not matter. For even though every girl says that she wants a boy to surprise her like no one has ever been surprised before, most of the good ones are completely happy no matter how they receive it.

Lily was no different. She was as happy I guess as I ever saw her that night. We called friends, went to see friends, called our families, and celebrated our love.

From that high, I guess we had no where to go but down.

3 Word Wednesday XXIX

Welcome to Three Word Wednesday.

Each week, I will post three (or more) random words. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write something using all of those words. It can be a few lines, a story, a poem, anything. This is a writing exercise. It doesn't have to be perfect. The idea is to let your mind wander and write what it will. I'll also attempt to write something using the same three words.

Leave a comment if you participate.

This week's words are:
Easily
Type
Shattered

Whenever I look back, it always amazes me how easily we fit together. I never recall any nervousness. No awkward minutes, or even seconds. Maybe it came too easily. We got to a point where I no longer knew where I stopped and where she began. I thought that a good thing. But now, looking back, I am not sure.

Whenever I look back, it always amazes me how I could have ever let her slip away. It seems impossible now, like something I would never do. But I know it is possible. And I know how shattered feels.

Whenever I look back, it always amazes me how long it has been. And how she continues to have a profound effect on my heart and my life, even after all this time. She is still the inspiration for many of the words I type.

Whenever I look back, I see her. And I smile, despite the emptiness that still remains. Sometimes she is smiling back at me. Sometimes she appears crestfallen. And I beat myself up one more time over mistakes for which I have already paid.

"Every step you take reminds you that she's walking on. And for all you know, this could be, the difference between what you need and what you want to be..."

Three Word Wednesday

OK, I'm switching the meme to Wednesday. And which name do you like better? This one, or Exercises in Composition, or something else?

Each week, I will post three (or more) random words. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write something using all of those words. It can be a few lines, a story, a poem, anything. I'll also write something using the same three words and post it here. Be sure to leave a comment if you participate.

This week's words are:
trampoline
barrette
tears

One of my favorite memories of my four years with Lily is the night we fell asleep on the trampoline in the backyard.

I still lived at home. But there was no security light. No street lights nearby. The backyard was bordered by a neighbor's fence on the west side, a line of trees on the north and east, and of course, the house. All that, and a rather large tree right in the center of the yard, provided a measure of privacy.

It was a cool night, but not too cool. Actually, it was the perfect temperature, whatever that is. We laid there talking, looking up at the stars. Eventually we began to kiss. It was soft and sweet.

She began to undo my pants, as we continued to kiss. She always seemed to have a barrette or ponytail holder or something handy to pull her hair back. Lying on my back, feeling the cool night breeze against my face and arms, as she went down on me, I could think of nothing better.

After a few minutes, I stopped her. Gently pushed her over on her back and held my hand beneath her head until it came to rest on the trampoline. It was slow and passionate. Probably more because we were trying to be quiet than anything else.

When it was over, I collapsed on top of her. We both fell asleep for a little while. As many times as we made love, that was the only time it ever happened on a trampoline.

It's funny how something can make you both happy, and sad. But memories like that are worth a few tears.

"Scent of pine drifting by. Her hand traces lazy on your neck. Sunlight through the trees, recalls a better time..."