Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Be a sweetie...

My mentor continues to achieve greater fame. She was interviewed recenly for articles in the Christian Science Monitor and Newsday. Congratulations, Pia. Meanwhile, I've been gaining my own kind of fame:

Mission accomplished. Back to base, Joe! Now on with today's post...

I used to have a little plaque that hung in the bathroom which said on it, "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie." Actually, I think I still have it. Probably boxed up somewhere. When my aunt lived in a house with a pool out back, there was a sign by the pool that said, "I don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in my pool." Well, I never swam in her toilet...

The fact is, sometimes we do sprinkle. And by we, I mean men. This is one of many reasons I never sit on public toilets. I don't know what I would do if I were a woman. Probably develop some sort of awkward bow-legged hover method.

Think of it as an 11-setting spray nozzle over which we have no control. The majority of the time, it's on stream or jet. But occasionally and without any warning, it switches over completely on its own to shower, or mist, or soaker. Or worst of all, split-stream.

The split-stream is a somewhat rare phenomenon. For me, anyway. And let's face it, that's all I have to go on. I'm the only test subject being interviewed for this article. You can't predict the split-stream. It may be preventable, but happens so rarely that no one has done enough research to know for sure how.

There are two streams, both going different directions. As any man knows, it's impossible or at least deathly painful to stop the disemboguing once it starts. So that leaves us with but one option. Pick a stream and go with it. And try to get one out of two into the vitreous receptacle. That's the best we can do. We're only human.

Ladies, that's why we occasionally pee on the toilet seat. Well, that and the fact that lifting the seat every single time we go just seems unreasonable and entirely too strenuous.

I'm not even supposed to be telling you any of this. This is all top secret male behavioral information. But I figure if I share something with you, perhaps someday you will return the favor.

And that day is today. Why do you always go to the restroom together?

"He sings the songs that remind him of the good times. He sings the songs that remind him of the better times..."


  1. Oh yes, the dreaded split-stream. With luck, both streams will end up in the toilet, but more often than not, you've got some kind of +/- 90 degree angle going on that ends up on the floor or worse yet, on your foot or shoe. If I do have a malfuntion though, I do have the decency to clean up properly... unless it's in a gas station bathroom. You don't touch anything in there.

  2. Ya know, I think I know why you blog about bathroom subjects. It seems that those are the days you get the most responses. Everyone has something to say about using the restroom b/c we all do that. I, as a girl, unfortunately am unable to hover. It's just something I cannot do. Guys, I know that you sometimes have a problem controlling the spray- therefore you MUST lift the seat b/c I KNOW you will not clean it up!!!! Ladies, if you must hover, you should lift the seat as well, b/c you are not cleaning it up either!!!!

  3. Good Job, Pee Boy!4/18/2006 10:04:00 PM

    You don't/can't stop in mid-stream??
    You do know that women do, and on purpose, too?
    That it is used as a strengthening exercise for certain muscles.
    I wonder if the same is true for men . . . maybe you should test the theory.
    Try and stop every once in a while and see if your sex life improves.

    Welcome to Our Ool. Notice there is no P in it. Keep it that way.

  4. J-Mo: Good to have another male perspective backing me up on this. And definitely don't touch anything in gas station bathrooms. You may flush with your foot, if you're that limber. But don't lose your balance. And burn your shoes ASAP.

    Groovie: You want to know why I write about the bathroom? Here's why. This is a direct quote from toiletology.com:

    "Considered an unacceptable discussion topic, socially and academically, the toilet habits of our early predecessors has not been extensively documented, those academics who did dare to write on the subject were considered vulgar, lowly and in some cases erotic."

    That's why. Because someone has to. I am Sir Bone of... John?

    Good Job: No, I never knew that women stopped on purpose. Is that why it takes you so long in there? ;-)

    Like your sign :-)

  5. larsonbuckeyefans4/19/2006 09:17:00 AM

    The real top secret reason we girls go to the bathroom together is always because we want to talk about something we don't want you to hear,sorry.There,the secret's out.Whew.Yes,we can stop in midstream if we try really and we can get quite good at it.Cosmo says if you practise you could too and then and only then could you also achieve multiples.......

  6. This is a common knowledge thing, Bone. Just glad someone from the male side of the bowl is finally man enough to admit it. This is no big shocker. So we allow our beloved men to delude themselves, especially since suggesting that excellent marksmanship eludes some males really um... pisses them off. That I don't understand. Can you 'splain that one?

  7. Um. I don't know why we go to the bathroom together. I don't do it on purpose. Sometimes it happens that way. But I've gone to the toilet many times by myself.

  8. We go to the bathroom together to:
    - have someone to talk to in line
    - have someone to hold all broken stall doors (we don't have the luxury of being able to use urinals)
    - have someone to pass us toilet paper, tampons and lip gloss
    - have someone to make fun of our dates (or boys in general) with
    - have a fashion consultant by our side

    I have also gone to the bathroom with other girls to:
    - feel their boob job.

    I was trying to figure out what might be worse... sitting on a sprinkled seat in the middle of the night, or sitting on no seat at all, as it was never returned to its resting place in the middle of the night... I think I would have to take the sprinkle anyday.

  9. Buckeyefans: OK, I have no idea how to respond to that. Just don't believe everything you read in Cosmo :)

    Dorothy: I didn't know girls knew about the split-stream. I do have excellent marksmanship. It's just that its impossible to aim two streams going different directions into a bowl with an 11-inch diameter, which gets even smaller when the seat is down.

    Lass: If you don't want to tell me, just say so ;-)

    OCG: Those all make sense, except please never use the T-word again on my blog ;-)

    I was hoping it might be something a little more interesting.

  10. First thanks--

    second I have never gone to a ladies room with another to feel a body part--want the record clear on that one

    The exercise women do--shouldn't leave a stream, really--it's being done wrong if that happens. Had to try to teach it to old ladies, not for the reasons most younger women use it

    And Bone you know the one and only reason women go to the ladies room together--to talk about men they're with, not with, etc or just to talk

    Actually sometimes it's to exchange makeup--or put makeup on somebody--things like that

    Thanks for the primer ;-)

    But basically to talk about men--or if there's a woman at the table they hate to talk about them

  11. If I'm in a public restroom, I hover over the seat. There is no way I'm sitting on the seat.

    And I live in Los Angeles, so going into the bathroom to feel another girl's boob job isn't out of the ordinary.

    And good job Bone on reaching #1 on Boggle! It's thrilling, isn't it? :-)

  12. Women have just as much trouble with peeing on the seat. See, that hover method works if your actually crouched over the seat...it's very technical. See, most women don't seem to have the hover method and therefore kind of stand which obviously changes the direction of the....you know, which results in a very wet toilet seat, floor, and God knows what else.

    I concurr with the other ladies as to why we go to the bathroom together. It's nothing sexual. At least it hasn't been for me.

  13. Pia: I could have really done without the "exercise" paragraph.

    I always thought it would be funny for a TV show or whatever, to have two couples at dinner, one guy gets up to go to the bathroom and the other says "I'll join you." I'm sure it's probably been done somewhere.

    Xinh: So apparently feeling the boob jobs is a west coast thing.

    Thanks. I have so many people I'd like to thank...

    Lindsy: That's why I'm here.

    Carnealian: I've been in some public restrooms that would have been just as well not to have a toilet at all.

    Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have asked this question. Then I could have just gone on imaginging what might be happening in there.

  14. larsonbuckeyefans4/20/2006 09:00:00 AM

    Ah yes!To feel boobs,I forgot about that one.And to kiss each other sometimes,too,because we're curious and we don't want to do it in front of boys the first time,sorry.

  15. Howdy!

    Surrender Dorothy sent me over to say hi. I'm not sure, but it may be a matchmaking endeavor. Sigh.

    And to re-iterate what one of your commenters above said, yes, we go to the bathroom to talk about men. I even got a call once, at a club, where my friend told me to report to the bathroom immediately, and she had to tell me about the fact that her ex had just been spotted. It even irritated me. :)

    What I want to know is, why is it so hard to remember to put the seat down? Do you WANT to laugh at 3 a.m. when we fall in? :)

  16. Joining in Lass' chorus. Bummed she beat me to it but :Tampon Tampon Tampon Tampon Tampon Tampon Tampon Tampon.

    Sorry, just doing out it of cruelty today. Stupid Tampons.

    Oh, hey...saw my friend Carmen came to visit. You know...she's single and cool, and you're single and...well, like my brother. Not that I'd push you or anything because I would never do a thing like that.

    Have you defined Florence?

  17. (1) My roommate continuously manages to miss the toilet and have it land on the floor. I could kill him for it.

    (2) Weboggle runs my life. the end.

  18. Carmen: Hi. Thanks for stopping by.

    Hmm, why can't we remember to put the seat down? It probably has more to do with laziness than memory. So eventually we just leave it down, because we know with our expert marksmanship that there's almost no chance we'll miss.

    And yes, we enjoy laughing at your expense ;-)

    Lass: Ugh.

    Dorothy: Ugh. Make it stop!!!!

    Yes, I defined Florence. Just now, actually. Someone who never mentions the T-word on my blog :)

    Heather B: Well, let me assure you, he is in the minority. Unless we're sleepy. Or forget to turn the light on. Or brushing our teeth while going. Or... well, you get the point.

    Glad you're enjoying the weboggle. I never knew hours could pass so fast.

  19. The secret is out...we like to talk in the bathroom. Sometimes we actually have to go but really we just like to talk about the guys we are with or wish we were with. As for the spotter, I have my theory. It has something to do with the T word.