Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Closing the book on deforestation

I have come to a decision.

And you should know decisions often do not come easy for me. In fact, I may take anywhere from six months up to five years or more deciding on such life-altering matters as whether to buy a new phone, whether to get a DVR, or whether to attend a concert. In the case of the latter, sometimes the concert will pass before I decide, and I wind up not even having to make a decision at all. So, win-win.

But the decision I want reveal today is one I have been ruminating over for probably about six years now. And that is, whether or not to shave one's chest. More specifically, mine.

Let me begin by stating that while I do have hair on my chest and stomach area, I really have no idea if it is excessive. I mean, no one's ever gotten their fingers stuck. At least, not for more than a couple seconds. It's not Austin Powers-esque or anything. And thankfully, I don't have any hair on my back.

When I grew up, having hair on one's chest was normal, or so I thought. Tom Selleck, Alan Thicke, the Duke boys, my Dad -- these were my chest role models, the people I looked up to. But anymore? I'm not so sure.

More and more, it seems I and my Church Of The Unshorn Bosom brothers are an ever-shrinking minority. Is shaving the norm now? When did this all start? And where does it end? What's next, shaving our legs? Wearing skinny jeans?

I'm sorry, but I have to take a stand. I'm sick of noticing guys on the beach or at the pool and wondering if they shave or are naturally hairless. Don't you see how wrong that is? I'm noticing guys at the pool! I'm tired of Google-imaging "Alan Thicke shirtless." Even with SafeSearch on moderate, it's still just... too much.

It has to stop.

Maybe I'm lazy. Or maybe I've just gotten old. But shaving seems like way too much maintenance to me at this point. And I imagine much itchiness. Perhaps this is just where I finally hop off the fashion train. I think I've done a remarkably fair job of trying to keep up. Over the years, I've put away the tightie-whities for boxers, traded in the tapered-leg jeans, and even welcomed plaid shorts with open arms and willing legs.

But it's time to admit that I'm not from Jersey Beach or Laguna Hills. I'm not The Situation, or Spooki. I'm Bone. And I'm bringing manly back.

I hereby declare that I will not be shaving my chest. I might even start unbuttoning the second button on my shirt, proudly let the man-meadow sway in the breeze a bit.

Of course, should Tom Selleck do a new movie with a topless scene in which he is clearly rocking the bare-breasted look, at that point I may be forced to revisit my decision.

"I'm so obsessed. My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest..."


  1. 1. You need a DVR. As much as we've discussed this, I feel like it's time.

    2. The Duke brothers should probably be your life influences. Combined with Jason Morgan. That combination may be the perfect man. Just saying.

    3. Thank you for defending your manliness.

    4. Roll Tide!!

  2. Second that you need a DVR for then you would know that it's the Jersey Shore, not Jersey Beach. Plus you've been debating this as long as I have known you :)Six years! not six months
    Church of the Unshorn Bosom brothers is a great expression

  3. I find it strangely comforting hearing about men's appearance-related neuroses. I'm glad it's not just women. On the other hand, it'd be much better if none of us had to worry about whether or not our levels of body hair/excess stomach fat/pasty skin fitted in with the fashion. Sigh...

  4. I think I need to get to a beach or pool more often. I did not realize that the unshorn look had made it outside of Hollywood. I'm lazy at my core and the thought of adding another fifteen minutes to my grooming routine makes me pretty sure that I will never join the shorn crowd.

  5. Being a supposedly shy Indian female, I ought not comment on this post. But what the hell!!(Sorry!!!)

    I am glad that you decided to be the way you are. I totally detest those metrosexual, ubersexual, (whatever)sexual males.

    Be as forested as nature intended you to be....

  6. LOL...I'm so glad you're not surrendering to the shorn bosom hype, Bone. :P

  7. Cami - 2. Ah, so like a southern Jason Morgan. Perfect!

    3. I enjoyed it actually. I'm pretty sure I let out a couple of Home Improvement growls towards the end.

    4. Roll Tide! 32 days.

    Pia - I knew the DVR would get a rise out of you :) I think I'm getting really close to a decision on that. Of course, "really close" in Bone terms means within a year. Probably.

    Thank you.

    J Adamthwaite - I find it strangely comforting to be found strangely comforting :)

    Ed - Maybe it's different in Iowa. I just know I'm in the slim minority here. If you do any research, be sure and let me know how it turns out.

    Gautami - Love it! Thanks for coming out of your shell :) And for that bit of positive affirmation.

    Sweetest In The Gale - Thanks. I figure this phase will pass eventually, and I'll be sittin' pretty. OK, maybe pretty isn't the best word there.

  8. I have no real opinion on this. The way i see it is unless someone is uber gorilla hairy I think au natural is best.

    I thank you for sharing this. ;)

  9. do you not remember the Peterman reality tour that Jerry got stuck on when he needed to go shave??? That alone should clear up any thoughts of shaving!

  10. Cooper - You're welcome. We here at IYROOBTY apparently subscribe to the belief that is is impossible to share too much.

    Renee - Of course I remember! But do you remember why he kept shaving it? :)