Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Life and the lack thereof

I set a new personal record last night, by drinking milk four days past the date on the carton. That broke my previous all-time personal best of three days, achieved on numerous occasions, most recently the day before yesterday.

Why did I do this?

Why not? Isn't that what life is about? Setting goals for oneself and having the courage to go after them. Consider me the Michael Phelps of lactose. (But really, I just had some Double Stuff Oreos and didn't feel like getting dressed and going to the store to buy fresh milk at the almost-witching hour of 9 PM.)

In other news, I think my fall social season is winding down at last. I've really been making the toddler birthday party scene this year. In the past couple of months, I have attended no less than three parties for one-year-olds.

At the most recent cake and diaper mixer, I ran into fave cousin, which isn't a huge surprise as it was his daughter who was turning one. Anyway, he asked if I had been working out. I thought he was kidding, so I gave him the you're-kidding-right snicker, but he responded with a no-I'm-serious-you're-huge look, then he mentioned something about my arms looking bigger. This would make a much better story if he was a girl. And also not my cousin.

But that's how things go sometimes. I believe the Beastie Boys may have articulated it best when they said, "Lookin' for a girl, I ran into a guy."

Life hasn't been all fun and LeapFrog games, however. Sometimes there are lulls. Some days I put on my pajama pants as soon as I get home from work with no intention of even so much as opening the front door until the next morning, then I stay up 'til 2:30 AM because TruTV decides to show six Forensics Files in a row and what am I supposed to do, not watch?

Some days life is about as exciting as a scoliosis screening.

And that's OK, because if there is one thing I have learned in all my misadventures, it is that you do not want a scoliosis screening to become exciting.

"The secret of life is gettin' up early. The secret of life is stayin' up late. The secret of life is try not to hurry, but don't wait, don't wait..."


  1. I don't usually comment but I HAVE to with the "scoliosis screening" comment. That made me laugh. Boy does that take me back to standing in line in the gym, each girl taking turns to lift your shirt, bend over and have the nurse check your spine. How humiliating...they probably don't even make kids do that any more...they probably need privacy! Something we didn't have when in school in the 80's! Although it was something to look forward to if you had a new "training" bra.

  2. Training Bras? Scoliosis screening? You girls had all the fun. All we boys got to do was "Turn left and cough."

  3. You made my personal best of drinking some of the milk the day of expiration (and that was even in the morning) seem like a snail compared to Michael Bolt. Normally if I see the date and it is today, it is down the drain. I am still haunted by the image of my dog drinking bad milk and having curds stuck to his whiskers.

  4. This post was hilarious. Totally hilarious. There were so many great lines I couldn't pick

    You're doing a great life job of not having a life. And I think making the one year old birthday party circuit is well interesting

    Bone why aren't you famous? Why don't you have a newspaper column? Why don't you put some of the effort you put into making your life so notable into submitting?

  5. see you didn't share the birthday party circuit when you told us about the personal best thing...I guess that was the most exciting thing you did all week.

    I don't know if Working Mom will come back to read this but we had one scoliosis screening in 6th grade where they had lined up the class... girls first then boys. And we were in alphabetical order. I got stuck being the last girl in the girl line and when I tried to enter with the rest of the girls the nurse tried to make me wait with the boys (thanks MOM for that totally ugly hair cut!!!) Luckily the teacher saved me.
    Funny with all those screenings it seems that I have a curved spine anyway. I bet if I had it straightened I would be much taller.

  6. WorkingMom - Yep, same here. All except for the training bras, of course. Also, by the 8th grade we could no longer afford a school nurse, so our 8th grade gym teacher did ours. It was uncomfortable at best.

    Cap'n John - *shudder* Oh, that's a different kind of exam altogether.

    Ed Abbey - Well, you do have a family to consider, so it's understandable. That's quite the visual of your dog.

    Pia - Thanks! I ask myself those same questions often. Usually when I'm in the tub. Sometimes I sob openly :)

    Renee - Sometimes I like to try out material on Facebook before I bring it here to the masses.

    thanks MOM for that totally ugly hair cut!!!

    That's a shame. LOL

  7. I find I quite enjoy cake and diaper mixers, and in fact, generally prefer hanging out with the ones in diapers than the adults. What exactly that says about me, I'm not sure, but I'm sure it probably says something.

    Why are there no pics of these gigantic biceps?

  8. "At the most recent cake and diaper mixer"-great line!

  9. Bone, Bone, Bone... not sure where to go with this one... I am feeling sorta sad...
    Actually I think I may have to comment to you via FB.

    Anyway, I will belt out a song or two for you tomorrow. I am not surprised that you are a fan... I am keeping an open mind about the concert.... hoping secretly for a shout out from them for my BD... ohhhh maybe they will call me up on stage to sing with them!!!! Think it will happen? hehehe ya me either, but it is 'Positive Thursday'... so I have to think positively! Perhaps they will sing a song just for me...Private Eyes... or You Make my Dreams Come True hehehehehhehehehehe

    idk about you, but I am cracking myself up tonight!

    Hope your weekend is better than anticipated! Frankly, I hope mine is too... turning 39 again! ugggggggggggg


  10. Still trying to figure out why your cousin is noticing your muscles.

    Milk after the date is just not something I can do, you are braver than mine.

  11. You're funny Bone, and you beat me by at least 2 days on the milk---I hate sour milk, but I like butter milk, go figure. As for your social life and cousins... you're from Alabama, right?

  12. If I were a writer I'd want to be you Bone. Yea, selfish I know.

    Just in case you were dripping with sarcasm when mentioning Forensic is one of my favorite shows to fall asleep to.

  13. I tend to go from work clothes to some sort of "comfy" clothes when I first get home--sweats, a t-shirt, etc. After a few hours in those I move to PJ's. Somehow it feels less lazy.

  14. You are living dangerously if you are drinking milk past the expiration date on the carton- to a germaphobe that is like swallowing arsenic and living!!! WOW! What are you going to do next??? - it was for the love of the oreo that you risked your life... so sweet.

    Do you have your celebratory blogtoberfest outfit yet? I don't think the fall social season will offically end until after that final send off. My beggarween costume involves a cat- a tutu- and converse shoes.
    You will post a pic of your costume right? We want proof of your gun show!

  15. TC - Yeah, I'm sure it says something :)

    Sorry, but as DP's comment reminded me, you gotta have tickets for the gun show.

    Murf - Yep, I gotta be in at Brandt-Leland by 9. TCB - Taking care of business.

    OK Chick - Thanks!

    Helene - I am not surprised that you are a fan

    What is THAT supposed to mean? lol Yeah, Private Eyes is good. I also like Rich Girl, One On One, and don't forget Method Of Modern Love :)

    PennyCandy - I used to be that same way. I dunno what happened. Maybe I got lazier, maybe life hardened me, maybe the Oreos were too tempting. Whatever it was, I just decided to go for it.

    Sage - Blech, I can't imagine liking buttermilk. Yes, yes, I'm from Alabama, and I see my people continue to be persecuted.

    Cooper - I was not dripping with sarcasm (for once in my life). LOVE that show, along with Cold Case Files. One of my life goals was to someday replace Bill Kurtis.

    Susan - That's a good plan. For me, there are just certain days where I hold no pretenses that I'm not going to be lazy.

    Daily Panic - Nope. I haven't dressed up for Blogtoberfest in years. Any ideas?

    Gun show! ROFL That's great.

  16. just so WorkingMom knows, I teach middle school- and we still do scoliosis screenings. so exciting.

    And I'm glad to know someone is as exciting as I am. The only difference is that I go to weddings, wedding showers, and baby showers. Try to control your jealousy- it's quite unbecoming.

    and my drug of choice isn't Forensic Files, but rather Glee and Criminal Minds. Glee is only once a week, but there about 478402 episodes of CM a week. If not, there's always NCIS, CSI, Bones, or Cold Case. I'm such a thril.

  17. a costume Idea? how about a boxer with a satin robe- you might secretly have in that "linger-A -round" pile of pj's you have and you could tape the letters "Bone crusher" on the back then you could do one of those poses that show the guns-
    and knock out those little beggers when they come ringing your bell.

    Dwight's gun show - well, that may be yet another costume idea- where does one get those pocket protectors??? That video was perfect.

  18. Yesterday- I dumped a carton of moldy cottage cheese down the toilet... I should have saved it for you. It would have been a world record.

    Thanks for dropping by!

  19. "Consider me the Michael Phelps of lactose."

    That's one of the best lines ever, Bone!

  20. I absolutely hate milk because i upchucked it as a kid. I remember going from room to room with a garbage can because I couldn't hold milk down. I guess you could say it left a bad taste in my mouth. Now I can only have it with cereal. Chocolate milk is good too.

    Your post is hilarious Bone. It's chalk full of great words. Keep writing like this and you'll be famous before you know it. Have a great night.

  21. Cami - Ooo, wedding showers are my favorite :)

    I was talking about that with someone the other day, how at any moment of any day, you can find a CSI or Law & Order on somewhere.

    Daily Panic - A boxer isn't a bad idea. I'd have to be Rocky, though. I'll work on my "Adriaaaaan's!"

    Michelle Gartner - Funny you should mention that. Although I've never eaten cottage cheese, I did have some bacon dated October 9th yesterday. But I can only hope to someday be referred to as the Clay Aiken of bacon.

    Mama Zen - Well, thank you. It's a title that comes with some pressure, but I think I'm up to it.

    Michelle Johnson - Yeah, chocolate milk is good. I really should buy it more often.

    Thanks for the nice compliment :)

  22. I'm quite sure that the dates on milk bottles don't mean a lot. If milk's off, you know about it. And then you don't drink it... do you?!

    Loved the cousin/arms story. You have a way of phrasing things that really makes me chuckle!