Tuesday, January 08, 2008

When I come to Myrtle Beach, will you teach me to shag?

The National Blog service has issued a Severe Randomness Warning for the duration of this post. Those in the path of this blog can expect widely scattered thoughts, which may or may not include such topics as Newhart, why the bank always asks for your mother's maiden name, and poke salad.

Since I haven't blogged in a few days, as you might imagine, I have quite a few things to talk about. I figured I could either divide them into several separate entries, or throw them all into one. Guess which one I decided to do.

In many ways, the past few days are a perfect microcosm of my life. Friday night, I hung out with three lovely ladies. (I know this same routine every weekend must get old to all of you.) OK, perhaps I should mention the three ladies were my aunt who always gives me $10, another aunt, and my Mom. We went out to eat for other aunt's birthday.

After that, we hung out at K-Mart, sorting thru the discounted Christmas merchandise until the break of 9:00 PM. OK, really just 8:30, but that sounded kind of early. I looked for a new Festivus pole, but they must have been sold out. I got a new Christmas tree at 75% off.

In other news, it looks like the the Darryls and I will be going to Myrtle Beach for our annual beach trip this year. I brought up the idea Saturday night. And since the Darryls never make any decisions and pretty much go along with whatever I suggest, I guess that seals it.

On the homefront, GabeKaplan--the fish, not the actor--has been doing swimmingly. He's almost out of food though. And by almost out, I mean the box is empty. So for the past few days, I've been on my knees scouring the carpet for pellets I may have dropped. I really think I found the last two today. Guess I'll have to go to the store.

Yesterday, my right arm itched all day. I was afraid I might be coming down with another rash. I thought maybe I'd gotten into some poke salad. But then I googled poke salad and it didn't appear to be known for causing rashes, just potentially fatal gastrointestinal problems. Anyway, around 10:00 last night, I was scratching myself and a fabric softener sheet came out of my sleeve. That's not some magic trick I do. That's my life, in a nutshell.

And what about this weather? The temps have been in the seventies the past two days. I'm wearing flip flps and short sleeves. And I finally broke down and cut on the AC last night after getting hot taking down my Christmas tree.

It's like I retired and moved to South Florida, except there's no shuffleboard and I'm still having to go to work everyday. It's really messing up my Seasonal Affective Disorder. I can't even get good and depressed anymore. There are no seasons, I'm not affected, therefore no disorder.

I don't know what's going on, but I did pass a church sign on my way home the other night that said "Eternity is straight ahead." You know, it would really be helpful if they'd put some sort of mileage estimate on that. Do I need to get a bite to eat? Should I stop for gas? I don't start out on I-10 and see a sign that says "California is straight ahead."

Regardless, I just kept driving. I mean, I spent my Friday night hanging at the K-Mart, I'm crawling around on all fours looking for fish pellets, walking around in public with fabric softener sheets in my clothes. What am I clinging to?

"Down on Peaches Corner there are Good Ol' Boys. And Mother Fletcher's makin' lots of noise. They're dancin', shaggin' on the boulevard..."


  1. well that was very funny for being so random...you must sit and think about this stuff for days...right?


    I hope you remembered to pick up the fish food at the Kmart.

  2. if Larry, Darryl & Darryl are coming to Myrtle where's Newhart himself?

    This is important as Newhart taught the Hokey Pokey proving, well proving many things

    Of course I might still be waiting for the contractor to get over his wife leaving him for her cousin

    I agree with Renee, get him some food

    And what is Poke salad?

    I can't think of clever and/or witty things to say. I'm losing my mind

  3. Apply Olive Oil on any kind of itching or rashes, whatever. It works 90% of the time.

    At least, it does for me..

  4. don't know what's going on, but I did pass a church sign on my way home the other night that said "Eternity is straight ahead." You know, it would really be helpful if they'd put some sort of mileage estimate on that. Do I need to get a bite to eat? Should I stop for gas? I don't start out on I-10 and see a sign that says "California is straight ahead."

    This is one of the best paragraphs you have ever written

    The whole post is filled with gems. Makes me laugh and very little can do that today

    Signed: person who is about to have the biggest nervous breakdown the blogosphere has ever seen

  5. I took a break from blogging...okay only 4 days but a break none the less. This was the second blog I read and I'm laughing again. Why did I ever take a break? My favorite part was the fabric softener sheet up your sleeve. Oh man, even if you made this stuff up you couldn't be funnier. Great post Bone!

  6. Renee: Thanks. I didn't remember the fish food. I was walking around saying to myself, "I know I was thinking I needed to go to the store for some reason, but what was it?" Of course, I remembered as soon as I got home and GabeKaplan was giving me the fisheye.

    Pia: Newhart has disowned us. You'll have to google poke salad. You never heard the song, "Poke Salad Annie?" (Or polk. I think the spellings are used interchangeably.)

    Gautami: Really? I've never heard that. Pulling the dryer sheet out of my sleeve worked this time :)

    Verge Of Breakdown: Really? I thought my fish is doing swimmingly was so bad it was good :) Laughter is the best medicine.

    Charlotta: I was kinda thinking the same thing. I couldn't even make this stuff up.

    So I'm #2 on your blog speed dial? :)

  7. HA! Your life is more exciting than mine at the moment. Be thankful for that. And it's good for you to hang out with your aunts and mom. Shows good character. But we always knew you were a character.

  8. Funny post!

    Can I go to Myrtle Beach? I've never been and always wanted to go, and I've always wanted to learn to shag. You're talking about the dance, right?

  9. He won't tell what the poke salad is--and there are something's you're afraid Google might hold against you if you Wiki it, that's one. However as I was curious
    oung pokeweed leaves can be boiled three times to reduce the toxin, discarding the water after each boiling. The result is known as poke salit, or Poke salad, and is occasionally available commercially.[1] Many authorities advise against eating pokeweed even after thrice boiling, as traces of the toxin may still remain. For many decades, Poke salad has been a staple of southern U.S. cuisine, despite campaigns by doctors who believed pokeweed remained toxic even after being boiled. The lingering cultural significance of Poke salad can be found in the 1969 hit song "Polk Salad Annie," written and performed by Tony Joe White, and famously covered by Elvis Presley and the El Orbits. Pokeberry juice is added to other juices for jelly by those who believe it can relieve the pain of arthritis.

    Signed: eating spinach is dangerous enough

  10. I've been on my knees scouring the carpet for pellets I may have dropped

    LOL, that reminds me of what my cat does after we've had snacks downstairs. She looks like a little coke fiend!

    Great deal on the Christmas tree--SCORE! I never think to check out xmas stuff after xmas...

    And I've never been to Myrtle beach, either, and hope you post pictures. And explain what shag is, as long as it's the PG-rated kind of shagging:)

  11. Excuse me, but if you kept on driving toward eternity, but you are posting on your blog, I would have thought you were posting from eternity, a bit more interesting than Walmart - maybe. But since you went home to find you had no food for GabeKaplan, what happened to eternity? Did you just get stuck in a loop?

  12. Um Bone..I sense an oxymoron here:

    "I've been on my knees scouring the carpet for pellets I may have dropped. I really think I found the last two today. Guess I'll have to go to the store."

    Weren't you at the store rummaging through Christmas sales?

  13. Lass: Thanks. It really was good to hang out with the aunties.

    OK Chick: Yes, I'm talking about the dance. What else would I be talking about? :)

    You'll just have to google poke saladm, or just read the anonymous comment below yours.

    Spinach apologist: Thanks for doing the research. Now I don't have to dedicate an entire post to poke salad :)

    Actonbell: I'm pretty sure it's PG rated shagging, though I've never done it. Maybe PG-13 :)

    Marcia: Well apparently, I had to turn before I got there. It was getting late. I needed to get home. Plus, I was low on gas. Though that probably would've made for an interesting blog entry, as well :)

    Jen: Keen observation, my friend. That's a good story, as well. As I mentioned to Renee, I was walking around K-Mart the whole time telling myself there was something I needed to get. But I never could remember what it was, until I got home, of course.

  14. I'm using my middle name Tani in my new blog

    Shag dancing is fascinating. It's the official music of South Carolina--combines beach music, soul and some funk though frankly most songs sound similliar as there are only six beats used

    However when used well....

    I'm a big student of American rock genres--have to know it all

  15. You're funny! I think this sounds like a splendid last couple of days. I love that you were willing to spend your evening sorting through the bins at Kmart.

    Myrtle Beach will be fun! And what's with all the shagging there. I didn't realize this fact on all my trips there until recently a friend told me about it. I must look up the dance because I'd like to see it and perhaps do it!

  16. hope the weather didn't cause you any probs today!

    amused by the post, stopping by to say hi

  17. btw, a yankee friend of mine used to think it was pope salad :)

  18. Darly had an itchy leg last night and thought that perhaps she might have a dryersheet in her pant leg...no luck...just dry skin.

    Oh and this is Darly calling from Ms. Renee's office...she would like to schedule a lunch with you on Friday the 13th at Monk's. ;)

    Glad you liked the nametag thing...I am not sure if others got it.

  19. did you ever eat poke salad? I'm so lucky that I never had to. In fact I just for the first time ever tried collard greens recently. You know, they aren't that bad! I always avoided them like the plague when I was a kid (they were served about once a week for lunch when I went to school) as they of course looked totally gross!

  20. There is an award waiting for you over at my site...

  21. I am thoroughly identifying with the Severe Randomness of your blogging. In fact, I find it awesome. I can't believe you went a whole day with a fabric softener sheet in your sleeve and didn't know it. Better your sleeve than in your underwear, I guess. I enjoy your blog.
    Name's Sean, by the way. Nice to meet you.

  22. Laughter is definitely the best medicine...as always, I'm late to your blog but appreciate the laughs nonetheless! Loved the dryer sheet incident...lol! TGIF.

  23. Color me confused, but I was sure I was at Bone's blog. You know, he of the incapable of making plans more than five minutes (ok, ok, ok, five days when you're really excited about something) in advance, Bone? Was there a guest blogger I missed out on or something? 'Cuz I'm still trying to figure out how Bone - yes, you know the one we all come to fawn over as often as he decides to post these days - could have already made beach plans for the summer.

    It's January.

    Summer is, at minimum, five months away. And you and the Darryl's have already made beach trip lans? *er*

    I want to know where Bone is, what you did with him, and what kind of ransom you're demanding for us to get him back.

    (And please tell me you've fed that poor fish. It's bad enough you named him ...that, that name, but to starve him too? *sniff, sniff*)

  24. THIS is classic bone. Love it.

    Love IT.

  25. I found you via ...time with shelby and she did not lead me astray. This is a very funny post...the dry sheet incident has me in a fit of giggles...

  26. Bone, I can't believe you walked around all day with a dryer sheet in your sleeve. I am almost in stitches with this post. I love the church sign 'Eternity is Straight Ahead'. How you embellish your posts with these snippets of comedy is beyond me but, I am glad that you do them. You live life in FULL color, Bone. I hope your trip to Myrtle Beach is a good one. Have a nice night.

  27. Tani: So are you saying you've shagged before? Or just watched others shag?

    Carnealian: Well, I bought some wrapping paper, too. I thought I might have trouble keeping up with it until next Christmas, but then I remembered I still have underwear in a gift bag that I got Christmas of 2006, so it shouldn't be a problem.

    Kontan: Thanks. The worst of the weather was southwest of me, over near the Mississippi line, I think.

    Renee: No, I've never eaten poke salad. I wouldn't. I do love me some greens. Prefer turnips, but collards are good, too.

    Charlotta: I hope it's not the "Person Who Never Comments Award." :)

    Sean: Thank you. Sometimes you just gotta go random. Good to meet you, too.

    Fledgling: Thank you. And yes, thank goodness the weekend is here. Good to see you around :)

    TC: Well, no reservations have been made or anything yet, but I just figured our destination was pretty much decided.

    I want to know where Bone is

    Ooo, that reminds me of that Foreigner song. I wanna know where Bone isssssss. I want you to shoooow meeeeee...

    Shelby: Aww, thanks. It's nice to know I've been blogging long enough that something can now be considered classic Bone :-D

    Jeri: Thank you. And thanks for the visit.

    Michelle: Well, believe it. I think the key is not being ashamed to admit to some of the things I admit to on this blog :)

  28. Does Tani shag or has she just watched shag dancing?

    Hmm, she's not telling.

    However Bone you have been selected to receive the ultimate shag dancing DVD. It show two white haired slightly passed middle aged people dancing. This is too show that if they could learn anybody can

    Myrtle Beach has two annual big shag conventions a year--spring and fall--with shaggers of all ages from all over the country

    It has many mini conventions

    The big conventions are just before the Hells Angels conventions

    Coincidence? One can go from one to the other

    After you get used to seeing truly fat people with tatoos all over their body or bald men with tatoos on their heads, a nicer bunch of people you can't meet

    Actually Bone you have been selected to receive the classic "Shaggers meet The Angels" It teaches you both Shag and Hell's Angels etiquette, and how the two can coexist

    This is dependent upon whether I can find the CD"s or not

  29. hate to disappoint you Bone---but I'm not sure they still shag in Myrtle Beach since they tore down the pavilion... When I started to read it and the comment on randomness and MB, I immediately through of Pia (sorry Pia!)

    And if you want some really good beaches, just drive north a bit into NC...

  30. ok its late... and I really only had a second to catch up here... I will come back...

    BUT you had better hope that no British folks come by here... OMG the title had me rofl!

    Hope you are having a good week Bone!(or at least the beginning of one! *wink)

  31. Tani: Wow, I feel like I just lost on a game show and these are my lovely parting gifts.

    Sage: Was it was Myrtle Beach that made you think immediately of Pia, or something else?

    Kate: I don't get a lot of hits from the mother country, for some reason. Hope you're having a good week as well, dear.

  32. Bone, it was Myrtle Beach and Pia's blogs about wanting to move there.