Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I wasn't always this way

Dear C,
You had me head over heels. I'll never forget those summer nights on your parents' front porch. We learned so much. Sometimes I can almost taste your lips. I miss that innocence. I know we were young. Maybe if we had been a little older. You broke my heart. I'm sorry I held on for so long. I didn't know what else to do. I'll always smile whenever I think of you.

Dear C2,
I think your Mom liked me more than you did. That's usually not a great sign. Thanks for introducing me to Skyline, the local lookout point. It was all very Wally Cleaver-ish, until the police showed up. Once you went off to college, I just never quite fit into your world, with the sorority thing and all.

Dear J,
You were messed up. I thought I could fix you. I liked the idea that I could rescue you. I tried. I couldn't. There were a lot of lessons learned the hard way. Lessons I didn't plan to learn again. But any regrets I have are on me, because of things I let happen.

Dear L,
What more can I say? I've poured out my heart and written pages and pages about you. Part of me still refuses to admit you weren't my one. I know it's pathetic and I'm not proud of it. I became an arrogant jerk towards the end, not realizing it was you who had given me my confidence. My heart will always ache for losing you, but more than that, for hurting you. You will always have a friend here. Thank you for the best days of my life.

Dear M,
We had chemistry, huh? It was good to be in love again. You were never anything but wonderful. Thank you for sharing two years of your life with me. Whatever happened between us was only my fault. It was the start of a disturbing trend where I would get to a certain point and couldn't go any further. I'm sorry for that. The distance wasn't easy. You proved you would do anything for love, and I'm so glad you found it. I don't know what was wrong with me.

Dear J2,
There was always something comfortable about us, about being at your place. Baseball will always remind me of you. The fact is, I could never let myself completely go and I'm sorry. Anything else I could say wouldn't really matter. By the time you came along, I had taught myself to turn my heart off like a switch. But sometimes I think you could, too. You breaking a date by text message was just my excuse, my way out.

"Could you sympathize with my needs? I know you think I need a lot. Started out clean, but I'm jaded. Just phonin' it in..."

36 comments:

  1. this defiantly makes me want to do this too... i feel there are things to be said in the after glow of every "meaningful" relationship.....

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  2. You are brave. I've thought about doing something like this but it's still way too personal. My journal - the one written with ink that only I read - that's where these types of letters are written.

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  3. Bone, that was superb. Such a beautiful take on 'relationships'. Each relationship we make in our lives teaches us something new, doesnt it? Be it good or bad, each one enriches our life in ways we never imagine, each one 'matters' and change us forever. You have painted a beautiful picture in words, one that would have been very difficult to portray in any other way, absolutely loved the structure. Thank you.

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  4. Wow Bone you never fail to amaze

    From innocent puppy love to....

    Happens to too many people

    The letter to C2 had me laughing out loud--the rest no--the last had me crying

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  5. Each letter shows a relationship, in its sum. The more I read it, the more I realize how complex this is and probably your best work

    And how complex relationships are. L, M and J2 are works of art--the writing of the relationship in the concise letter

    And each letter builds on the next. It's brilliantly framed

    I'm really proud of you. It couldn't have been easy for you to post

    I have watched you grow over the past 2 and a half years from a really good entertaining writer who has a sentimental side

    To somebody who can tap into raw honest emotions and use them much more effectively than I could dream of

    But you did learn from the best :)

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  6. Interesting Bone, I may have to try this, but too often I'd be saying, "Well, I was an ass..." I wish I could sic Murf on you (she's one of my readers who's on vacation). When I started to write about past loves, she's started making a timeline!

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  7. That had to have felt good, Bone. To put your thoughts on what happened in each of these relationships down in black and white. Bravo!

    circe
    :)

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  8. Avery: Thanks for the comment.

    Paisley: I agree. They're things I didn't say or never had the chance to say.

    Charlotta: Well, these end at about five years ago. It is very personal. Those are always the hardest to post. It feels like part of me is torn away and placed on paper, or in this case, a computer screen.

    UL: Thank you. Yes, I can definitely say I have learned from each one, and for better or worse, have been affected by each.

    Pia: Thanks. It wasn't easy to post. It's hard to admit certain things. It was even revealing to me to see them written down, in order, and realize how I've changed.

    Sage: Hey, I'm right there with ya. It's hard to admit faults, but in some way, it probably helps. And everyone needs a Murf :)

    Circe: Yes, it did. I know this word is probably overused, but maybe that's for good reason. It was cathartic.

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  9. That was you? I thought it was Scott Bayo, but then again, the list is too short. ;)

    Good going, Bone. Sounds like you've matured. Hope you recognize THE one when you find her. It sounds like you just might.

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  10. And don't you look back when things are done and go "I wish I could do that over?" Not that you would change your overall behavior but how things ended, when they ended or maybe not hanging on....Done a version of the last two...

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  11. This should be published for an unflinching look at how men think

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  12. does this mean that you're ready to be yourself and perfect for the next time?

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  13. This was such a great post, so honest and very well written. Thanks for sharing that with us.

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  14. I wondered if you had forgotten about 3WW, just caught the note about the break! I cant believe I missed that...anyway, happy thanksgiving. :)

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  15. What a wonderfully composed series of windows! I definitely like it, well done.

    Have a great Thanksgiving:)

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  16. Wonderfully fantastic and honest post. I really enjoyed it. What a lot you have learned .... and what memories you will have.

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  17. Gay: I told everyone I had many similarities with Scott, but few believed me. Thank you. I hope I do, too.

    Tagster: Oh yeah. I've had that "wish I hadn't held on so long" feeling a couple of times. I'm sure most people have. For some reason, sometimes I just have to see it thru to the bitter end.

    Anonymous: Thanks. Though I don't know how typical my behavior has been, I'm sure it's not unique.

    Renee: I have no idea. More ready, for sure. Perfect? Never.

    Ingrid: It's definitely honest. Thank you for the compliment, and for reading.

    UL: Yeah, I decided to take a week off for the holiday. Figured a lot of people would be traveling or otherwise just busy. Happy thanksgiving to you, as well :)

    Actonbell: Thanks. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving, too.

    Mks: Thank you. I hope that I've learned. And yes, a ton of memories. Feels like too many sometimes.

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  18. Awe bone, so sweet. You know me, everyone else has left sweet and gushy comments. Not me... If i wrote a list like this it would have J1-J9 no joke. It's ok though, all those J's taught me so many things. I have moved on to the letter K now. I think I will post about this new budding relationship now.
    Thanks for the get well wishes, I am unfortunately still sick and missed Thanksgiving dinner at my grandmother's house tonight :(

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  19. You get better with each one ;)

    I have a note for someone... can I put it here? ok

    Dear T: Sorry I dumped your butt at the fair because you showed up with a curlie perm in your blonde hair, but you ruined it and I just couldnt go there anymore. *kisses*

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  20. I’ve read this post several times, and spent a lot of my long drive home tonight thinking about what I wanted to say… and if I really wanted to say it at all. You might not like what I’m about to write, but I’m going to do it anyway. And then, I’m going to hesitate, my curser hovering over the “publish comment” button for a long time while I hem and haw, and eventually submit.

    I could tell you how beautiful and heartbreaking this is just like everyone else has done, and it would be the truth Bone. But I think it’s some time for a little bit of tough love my friend, and that’s what you’re going to get.

    Part of me still refuses to admit you weren't my one. I know it's pathetic and I'm not proud of it.

    It’s not pathetic, but don’t you think it’s time? If you don’t let go of Lily, you’re always going to sabotage any future relationships you might have. She was so young, and in many ways, so were you. I don’t doubt that the two of you loved each other, but if it had really been meant to be, it would have been. You need to forgive yourself for hurting her and remember that as perfect as your mind wants to make her out to be, she wasn’t. She made mistakes, too.

    You proved you would do anything for love, and I'm so glad you found it.

    If M found love, really and truly found love, my guess is she’s moved well beyond any pain you may have caused her. It’s easier to forgive someone when you love someone else. I’m sure she saw and probably still does see your faults, but she’s moved on – and she’d want you to do the same. My guess is that when she thinks back on the two years that she spent with you, she probably remembers the good times, smiles and turns up that Celine Dion CD she stole from you.

    The fact is, I could never let myself completely go and I'm sorry. Anything else I could say wouldn't really matter. By the time you came along, I had taught myself to turn my heart off like a switch.

    Don’t you see? It’s not so much about how much you hurt THEM, but really how much you hurt – and keep hurting – yourself. Stop punishing yourself, Bone. Because in the end, you’re the one who suffers. And it’s time you let yourself find some love and happiness.

    *HUGS*

    (427)

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  21. Awww, you are such a sweetheart, sending: ♥Kisses & a couple of tight hugs♥ :)

    And Happy Thanksgiving.

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  22. TC I was talking about Bone's writing--how the writing made me feel

    Though I knew it wasn't fiction I took it as fiction at first for various reasons

    I am at looking at Bone, the writer. Not Bone the person--Bone has reached a new level in his writing recently. But if I were speaking of Bone, the person.

    read Bone's tag line. He negates all responsibility for anything with that line

    That is and isn't punishing himself. It is incredibly self-deprecating, and telling people not to expect anything of him. It could also be begging people to expect things of him.

    Yes he spoke of these things re Lily etc., before, but he also parsed the posts in sentiment

    In these letters Bone's being very matter of fact about how he started out innocent and ended up punishing himself and the girl

    We can give the best advice in the world to a person until we can no longer stand to--won't change a thing

    The person has to be totally willing, and I don't know as we really haven't discussed it, but I think that Bone laying out relationships so barely without a nice sentiment laden story is the beginning of true self-examination

    I lived in fear of my storage cage. I know how silly that sounds. In my head it was this large disorganized mess. Kept putting it off. Allocated a weekend to it. Took five hours as it wasn't as I saw it in my head

    Thus I developed my storage cage theory of life. Many people will put things off until they can't anymore.

    Then they will tackle it with everything that they have

    I don't know if Bone will tackle his life that way. But I suspect that being so raw about it is a beginning. Also that pivotal birthday coming up in February.

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  23. Melanie: Well, I wouldn't call them gushy. I think maybe people just relate and understand how hard it might be to write and reveal something like this.

    Yes, I think you should post about this new, very young relationship ;-)

    Kerry: Thank you. I needed a laugh and that had me laughing out loud.

    TC: Uh, thanks for the advice.

    GirlFPS: Aww, thank you :) Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, as well. *hugs*

    Pia: Thanks, friend. And way to get that birthday momentum started three months in advance :)

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  24. I think I dated you.

    Kidding.

    I need to do this. Very cathartic I'm sure.

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  25. We've all dated a Bone or seven--not to be precise of anything. And seven or more have dated....

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  26. ok... so much I could say, but wont as I am late in the commenting game, and frankly its been said here.

    Here are some thoughts though:

    Sometimes these are good exercises so long as we are able to leave those feelings behind after doing it and not carry all the what-if's with us...

    Did you take away what it is that you learned from each of the relationships? (Ie the guy I dated in College b4 my spouse was tons of fun and chemistry... but it was a roller coaster of emotions and I learned that I never wanted to marry someone like that... )



    Sounds like you did a lot of reflecting on Thanksgiving... any particular reason?

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  27. I was going to say that I think I'm a bit agitated with your comments section, but that wouldn't be accurate. I know that I'm a lot agitated with it.

    Some of these comments seem to be from people who've never really had a relationship or, maybe, have never been in love.

    You don't ever just let go. I don't think people that do ever really loved. Once you truly love someone part of your heart becomes theirs and vice versa. Letting go would diminish what you shared with one another. There are never TWO people in a relationship because the ghosts of our pasts are always with us and THAT is a good thing. It reminds us of what we can have, what we need to do to maintain it and of the mistakes we shouldn't - and hopefully - won't make again. We need those reminders. We need that past. And we DON'T need to forget about it.

    You're not punishing yourself. You're showing that you recognize what occurred and you WON'T let it happen again. You're demonstrating that you see a pattern and you're going to break it. And you're honoring your exes by admitting that you had some part in the endings of the relationships - admitting some fault.

    I admire you for what you've done here and what you must continue to do in your own heart and mind everyday.

    Never let go or forget. Learn and love better.

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  28. Thank you Avery. I know this is Bone's blog, but the Bama's are playing Auburn today, and anybody who reads IYROOBTY knows where Bone's mind is today

    When we blog truth about people in our lives and are willing to say that we're not perfect, we played a part in the demise of the relationship, we're both taking responsibility and making ourselves vulnerable.

    I have been called immoral--and that's a nicer thing. The people in a political blog I was a founder of told me to get used to it if I wanted to be a serious writer.

    Why? I know very few writers who have been reviewed on their ethics or morals.

    I think the real question is are we critiquing Bone the writer or Bone the person?

    I like both, but when I comment on a serious post I want to stick to the writing, to the level of exposure he's taking, to how the post is written and how it differs from prior posts. That's fair commenting

    This post hit nerves as most people who have been in long-term serious relationships understand that they played a part in its demise.

    Yes Bone has always admitted that, but there was something so clear in this post.
    Some of us use our blogs to examine ourselves and our relationships from ever angle

    If we talk about the same relationship at different times we're viewing it from different angles of the mirror

    Again it's the writing that should be critiqued not the person.

    It seems so intertwined when it's really not

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  29. Just an FYI but your exercise got me running down the path of woulda coulda shoulda blvd as well! It wasnt fun, but I am back from the depths of darkness no worse for the wear!

    I do agree with part of what Avery is saying... once you love someone... really love them, they are in your heart forever... no matter what happens. I do think that it is good though, to put that in its proper place in your mind... like when you a loved one dies... you dont stop loving them, but you need to move on and not pine away for them. Way easier said than done (I know that all too well) but doable none the less!

    I wish you lived around here, I would fix ya up with some of my single girlfriends! Ohhh or in NYC.... I have 3 people I can think of there for you to meet... hummmm hehehe OK I am butting out!


    Hey, hope you had a great weekend and that your team won! lol

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  30. I wish I had the courage to write to all my past loves.

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  31. Wow, I appreciate you putting yourself out there like this...very nice J-Dizzle! Thanks for sharing yourself with us!

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  32. I hope that one day each of these girls read this because so many times a girl leaves the relationship thinking she could have done something better, changed things somehow. I haven't read many of your posts but, what I have read allows me to see you have a deep caring and understanding of what was left behind and what continues into the future. Any girl would be lucky to have you as a partner. Thanks for sharing.

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  33. Jay: No, unfortunately, it's all me :) Thanks for visiting.

    Shelby: Haha. Well then allow me to apologize again :) And yes, it is very cathartic.

    Pia: As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives...

    Kate: I hope I learned from them all. I think I did. But sometimes I find myself relearning things.

    I'm not sure why the week found me so pensive. I think the shorter days and more darkness contributed a bit.

    Avery: You don't ever just let go. I don't think people that do ever really loved. Once you truly love someone part of your heart becomes theirs and vice versa.

    That was beautiful. That whole paragraph was really. Thank you.

    Pia: Thank you. I was obviously admitting fault and as you said, making myself vulnerable I guess.

    If we talk about the same relationship at different times we're viewing it from different angles of the mirror

    That was very well put. I'd never thought about it like that, but I think you're right.

    Kate: Aww, sorry if my post put you on the woulda/coulda/shoulda path. And my team did not win :(

    Groovie: Good to hear from you.

    Hotpink: It does take courage.

    Arlene: Thanks, Brizzle. Thanks for reading.

    Michelle Johnson: Thank you. That's very kind of you to say. I know at least one of them already has read it.

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