Thursday, September 07, 2006


Tuesday, I got a call at work from Keisha, a girl I dated in... 1994. You rememeber 1994. Tonya Harding. OJ Simpson. Kurt Cobain. Ace of Base. Yeah, that 1994.

Keisha asks me how I've been and if I'm married yet or dating anyone. Then proceeds to tell me that she'd like to see me sometime. She's apparently really straightened up her life, and I quote, "I'm off drugs now and everything."

What?! I never knew she was on drugs! How did I miss that? I guess that explains a lot. There's got to be a funny line in there somewhere about addiction and Bone. Who knows.

She goes on to say that she has her own place now. It's just her and her daughter Courtney, who was a baby then, so she's probably twelve now. And then throws in the fact that she has a 64-inch TV.

What, is that supposed to magically lure me over there? Am I supposed to be hypnotized by all the pixels? "I have no interest in dating you or even seeing you again, but I couldn't resist your 64-inch big screen. Now please get out of the way, halftime's over."

Next, she volunteers her phone number, which for some reason, I write down, then throw away. Why can't it ever be that easy with a girl I like?

Then she tells me to give her a call sometime and she'll cook me dinner for me one night. And we hang up.

What? What? What... causes a person to call someone out of the blue that they dated for two months twelve years ago? Why? I'm confused. I mean, I've called exes before. But twelve years? Maybe it's the detox.

Ladies, if you've been drug free for at least 30 days, or have just completed a 12-step program, please don't call a guy you dated more than ten years ago. Especially if his name is Bone.

And would it make me a horrible person if I just started saying I was engaged?

"I, I gotta new life. You would hardly recognize me. I'm so glad. How could a person like me care for you?"


  1. Have no idea what her motives were. Probably thought that you knew about the drugs, and the 64" plasma TV, Bone how could you resist that?

    Two months, twelve years ago? Congrats. That's a record even for me--to be called, not call

  2. Ha ha. I think there should be a statute of limitations on drunk dialing. And I think she was drunk dialing. or maybe self-pity dialing. Not that you're not worth it Bone! (just saying)

    I posted some Vegas (and Area 51)stories, if you're interested.

  3. I agree with Pia- that's some impression you must have made on her. Hmm...

  4. I seriously just about pissed myself reading that. I have no words. That's hysterical.

  5. Pia: Oh, I left out the part where she said, "You used to love me, didn't you?"

    I can't even remember things that happened twelve hours ago, much less twelve years.

    Carmen: Drunk dialing? Maybe. But normally when I've gotten drunk dialed, they either can't rememeber their phone number or give me the wrong number. Of course, I didn't call it, so maybe it was the wrong number.

    Your T-13 was very funny this week.

    Groovie: There is some funny line about the scent of Bone and twelve years, but I'm not feeling funny today.

    HeatherB: Urine will be accepted as a substitute for words, in this case.

  6. Uh. That's weird. Sounds like she needs to complete another 12-step.

  7. Absolutely classic. I love it...

    I'm gonna call someone random tonight and use the same line... LOL!

  8. maybe she's been high for 12 years and you are the last guy she dated before the drugs....I dunno. Weird....and the TV part is freakin' crazy....what self respecting woman would want a man that was just using her for her TV?

  9. You mean the 64" tv didn't sway you? cold hearted....

    I agree with Lass, that chick needs to go back to rehab because she's obviously not over the drugs.

  10. some guys just stick our heads. but yeah, not such a good idea to call them up. if you have to, make up a nice little lie to avoid continuing the charade. i generally would say don't lie but in this case? do it.

  11. Maybe her memory of you was the last good one she had before befuddling her mind

  12. Some chick did that to DH after we had been dating for a few weeks. The phone rang and I asked if he wanted me to get it since he was busy at that moment...he said yeah. I pick it up and SHE asked for DH. I was thinking it was one of the gals that DH works with and hates, I said "just a sec" and handed the phone over to him.
    DH talks to her for a few seconds and says "Yeah." He hangs up shortly after that. Then he tells me that SHE was some girl he had dated like twice 8 months before. That she had "drunk called" and told him that she was now clean... but she had asked if I was his new girlfriend to which he had answered "Yeah." And that was the last we heard from her.

    You might not hear from her again. She may have just been looking for reassurance that she's "dateworthy."

  13. Lass: 12 Steps to Getting Over Bone. Perhaps I'll do a whole post :)

    Blondie: Let me know how that works out for you.

    RedNeckGirl: Yeah, if you have to come up with outside reasons for me to like you, then something's wrong.

    Xinh: Maybe she's on Step Nine, making amends? She did say something about being sorry for treating me badly.

    Sizzle: Well, I can understand a year, or two, or five. But not twelve.

    Monica: So what you're saying is she was so distraught after losing me, she turned to drugs. Now that I can understand :)

    Renee: Well, I most assuredly gave her no assurances. I can assure you :)

  14. Thanks to you I now have Ace of Base stuck in my head. Get it out!

    You have the oddest stories sometimes. Poor girl...I don't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for her. Way to be strong and resist the tv! haha.

  15. Jeez, twelve years? Thats....well I don't really know what that is. I've had women call me up to five years later, but never from that long ago. Wow. Good luck. You may have to start screening your calls.

  16. I posted a really funny comment. Blogger ate it. Not in the mood now. Ask me in 12 yrs.

    BTW, my father has been lurking my site via Elmira (has to be, I sure as heck didn't tell him). He read the exercise I wrote yesterday, then called me up last night to yell at me for "shredding him on the internet", then hung up before the "It was a fictional writing exercise, Dad" could be uttered. I'm not calling back. Mean people just suck, you know?

    Oh yeah, I commented to Carmen about a "Sculpture of Limitations" and then said something uplifting like it was probably her need to reconnect with a time when she was happy, and not necessarily you.

    I'm going home now to eat a bag of Dove Chocolates and take a nap.

  17. Bone, I think it's a time warp thing with druggies. They are stuck in whatever year they started the drugs and pick up right where they left off even though it's now decades later. Ok, I'm guessing....

    I think saying you are 'seeing someone' would not be out of line if you don't want to hurt her feelings. Surely she doesn't think time has stood still for you in the intervening years.

    But hey, that massive TV sounds like a good deal! Maybe just dinner one time while you try out the remote. JK!!!!


  18. Go check out the tv!

    You must have been really good for her to have spent all these years thinking about you and then finally getting up the courage to call. That is so sweet!

    or.... psycho.

  19. I think you and I have had this conversation before. You need to learn to just say no.

    Who knows, she and her girlfriends could have been sitting around talking about old times and your name came up. She thought...yea, he was cute, nice, and what a great kisser. So, what the heck, I'll call him and see what he's doing. Although she did seem pretty sure she wanted to see you. I mean you could have turned out to be an axe murderer in these last several years for all she knew.

    Just say no. Practice it in front of the mirror. It's just two little letters. One syllable. It's easy!

  20. Krista: You should be thankful. Yesterday, I got "That's What Friends Are For" stuck in someone's head.

    Keep smiling... keep shining... I'll be on your side forever more...

    BigMan: That's the thing, I wouldn't have answered if she'd called me at home. But she called at work. We don't have caller ID at work.

    Dorothy: I'm sorry. Didn't you just have to move your entire blog a few months ago? :(

    There should definitely be a statue of limitations ;-)

    Circe: I like your time warp theory. Really. That could be it. And trust me. Of all my exes who are still single, this is one of maybe two or three that there'd be absolutely no chance with and no interest in.

    Kerry: I'll go with B, psycho, Regis. Final answer.

    Carnealian: I have a problem, don't I? Is there a Yesaholics Anonymous?

  21. I think yall are blowing this TV thing out of proportion. She just said she had a 64 inch TV, she didn't say she'd let Bone control the remote! Bone, if she really had the hots for you, she'd offered you the remote.

    Or, maybe she thinks that after 12 years you're blind and need all 64 inches to see the football.

  22. Hmm, very strange indeed. The cynical, pessimistic part of me thinks she wants something from you and is trying to befriend you before she lays it on the line. But perhaps she is trying to make amends in a roundabout way.

    Listen to your gut knows though it sounds like you already have your suspicions.

  23. um, yeah...i would have just said "wow! that's great you got off drugs! i finally got up the courage to come out of the closet. i guess a lot can happen in 12 years!"

  24. Sage: Excellent point! A large TV is nothing without control of the remote. Otherwise, we'd be watching Lifetime and Oxygen and TLC all day.

    Chickadee: I think maybe there was some need inside her to say she was sorry. Apology accepted. But no chance for dinner. None.

    Defensive: See, why can't I think of these lines on the spur of the moment? I always think of the perfect line, like an hour late.