Tuesday, I got a call at work from Keisha, a girl I dated in... 1994. You rememeber 1994. Tonya Harding. OJ Simpson. Kurt Cobain. Ace of Base. Yeah, that 1994.
Keisha asks me how I've been and if I'm married yet or dating anyone. Then proceeds to tell me that she'd like to see me sometime. She's apparently really straightened up her life, and I quote, "I'm off drugs now and everything."
What?! I never knew she was on drugs! How did I miss that? I guess that explains a lot. There's got to be a funny line in there somewhere about addiction and Bone. Who knows.
She goes on to say that she has her own place now. It's just her and her daughter Courtney, who was a baby then, so she's probably twelve now. And then throws in the fact that she has a 64-inch TV.
What, is that supposed to magically lure me over there? Am I supposed to be hypnotized by all the pixels? "I have no interest in dating you or even seeing you again, but I couldn't resist your 64-inch big screen. Now please get out of the way, halftime's over."
Next, she volunteers her phone number, which for some reason, I write down, then throw away. Why can't it ever be that easy with a girl I like?
Then she tells me to give her a call sometime and she'll cook me dinner for me one night. And we hang up.
What? What? What... causes a person to call someone out of the blue that they dated for two months twelve years ago? Why? I'm confused. I mean, I've called exes before. But twelve years? Maybe it's the detox.
Ladies, if you've been drug free for at least 30 days, or have just completed a 12-step program, please don't call a guy you dated more than ten years ago. Especially if his name is Bone.
And would it make me a horrible person if I just started saying I was engaged?
"I, I gotta new life. You would hardly recognize me. I'm so glad. How could a person like me care for you?"