Announcing "Automatic Email Deletion Notification"

My friend, Axl, works for the government -- well, government contractor.  I'm not exactly sure what he does all day, other than perpetuating a stereotype perhaps.  I mean, I know he wears many hats, but that's literal, not figurative.

Anyhow, the way I figure it, he must work really hard and get really far ahead as he often seems to have an abundance of free time.  Many days, this results in him sending out a seemingly endless stream of emails -- sports articles, YouTube clips, and other links -- which most of the time I am too busy to read.

I'm generally fine with it, but there was one particular day last week where I was inundated with work and he was shooting off emails like fireworks on the 4th with the Boston Pops playing in the background.

So, hoping to put an end to his emails for the day, I composed this little gem:

The email you sent to bone@gmail.com has been deleted.  It was not read.  It was not opened.  It was deleted before opening.  

If you feel you have received this message in error, rest assured you have not.  Please do not resend.

Automatic Email Deletion Notification is a new service offered by Google exclusively for Gmail members.

Sincerely,

The Google team

Now, clearly I was just being a smart-aleck, never once imagining he would think it was real.  I figured, if nothing else, the "rest assured you have not" would give it away.

But then...

Later that evening I get call from him.  He asks, "Did you get an email from me today with blah-blah-blah in the subject line?"

"Hmmm," I pretend to ponder.  "No, I don't think so," I fib.

At that point, he proceeds to tell me about the email he got from Google and how at first he thought it was a joke, but then when I never said anything, he figured it must be legit.  He completely bought it!  And he's in IT!

So if you should see an email like this floating around, advertising Gmail's new automatic Email Deletion Notification service, it's most likely a farce.  And you can say, "I know the guy who started that!"

Who knows, maybe I'll end up on Snopes one day.  It's not Wikipedia or Guinness Book, but it's something.  It's cyber immortality.

Oh by the way, I never told Axl any different.  Was that wrong?

"If you ever get annoyed / Look at me, I'm self-employed / I love to work at nothing all day..."

Where have you gone to, Jimmy Wales?

The internet died today.  Well, dead to me anyway.

Wikipedia, yon bastion of free knowledge, shut its virtual doors today.  For 24 hours.  That may not sound like much to you.  But to me, it's eighty-six thousand, four hundred elongated seconds of nothingness.  Outer darkness, where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. 

Wikipedia has become my source for all knowledge of all things.  Written by people who I like to imagine might have even less of a life than me.  (Sure, it's possible there might be an occasional error.  But that's why there's Snopes.) 

And now?  It's gone.  I knew something like this was gonna happen after Steve Jobs died!

But even I never realized how deeply this would affect me.  That is, until I found myself twenty minutes into an episode of Sesame Street this morning, giving a running commentary on Gmail.

Some excerpts:

"Sarah Jessica Parker is on Sesame Street?  I never really think of her as kid-friendly."

"Now there are salt and pepper shakers on there.  One of them has a moustache, and just put on a pink skirt!  WTF!  The volume is down so I'm not sure if they're trying to say it's OK for men to cross-dress, or if they're trying to hint that women may sometimes need to remember to shave their upper lip area.  Probably the latter."

"If they're still filming new episodes, why do the kids look like they're wearing the same outfits they wore when I watched in the seventies?"

"They are shoving Elmo down our throats!  He's had like six scenes and I haven't seen Big Bird once.  Not to mention Grover.  Grover always gets the shaft.  He must not be in the union."

"I mean, what does Elmo even do?  He's not big and dorky.  He doesn't have an accent.  He doesn't have a male roommate.  He's not grumpy.  He's just... red."

"Oh, apparently there's another red one.  Who knew!  I was confusing Elmo part of the time with someone named Murray Monster?  My apologies to Elmo nation."

My top five Sesame Street characters:
1. Ernie
2. Grover
3. Cookie Monster (although admittedly he is a bit of a one-trick pony.)
4. The Count
5. Bert
(tie) Guy Smiley

I need help.  Look at what I've become after only a few hours with no Wiki.  The Earth cannot revolute fast enough for me today.  Wikipedia, please come back.  SOPA, PIPA, whatever it is, I'm sure we can work this out.  Make a personal appeal.  I'll donate! 

And please hurry.  For crying out loud, I just Asked Jeeves!

"Sunny days, sweeping the clouds away.  On my way to where the air is sweet..."