The '14 Comeback Special

I'm not sure I remember how to do this.

This must be how Elvis felt during the '68 comeback special.  Come to think of it, I have put on a few extra pounds.  Do me a favor, if e'er I should be honored with a postage stamp -- posthumously or humously(???) -- please vote for Young (skinny) Bone.

Actually, some people called me Elvis in 9th grade.  And by some people, I mean, my entire class.  It's a funny story, really.  And by funny story, I mean I still cringe whenever I think about that year.

It was 1988.  The "Elvis & Me" made-for-TV movie was coming out.  My hairstylist uncle had given me a haircut, which turned out to be more of a hairdo.  One which evidently resembled that of Graceland's most famous owner.  I also curled my lip when I smiled.  I'm not really sure why I did that.  Like if I'd always done it, or if the hairdo brought it out magically.  Either way, no one was happier to see 10th grade (and return to my usual 68-year-old barber) than me.

Anyhow, getting back to the gist of why I haven't blogged in nearly three months.  Here it is: I've been busy.

Oh sure, Bone, we're all busy.  (That was you talking. You follow?)

But you don't understand.  I have the time management skills (and possibly the attention span)  of a two-year-old.  I'd been so un-busy for so long that whatever modest time management skills I may have once possessed had long ago atrophied.

So when I picked back up the second job I had last summer doing web updates for a non-profit, in addition to the freelance writing gig I still have, my regular full-time job, and mowing, well, Bone as you knew him ceased to exist.

Golfing Bone.  Making-up-Fake-Onion-stories Bone.  Napping-more-frequently-than-a-Kindergartner Bone.  That Bone is dying.  God, I hate to see him go.  But he had a good run.

Well, OK, a run.

I was hoping to not do any lawns this year since I already had a second and third job.  But one of my clients from last year texted to see if I was going to mow again.  Not wanting to disappoint anyone (except girlfriends, I'm used to that) because everyone has to like me, I said I would.

Oh, also there was a little matter of fearing I was going to be evicted, followed by my own personal version of Property Virgins, making an offer on two houses literally hours after they'd sold, then pulling an offer on a third before everything finally worked out on house number 4.

So yeah, I finally lost my virginity.  I'm a homeowner.  Or, will be in 359 more easy monthly installments.

The year hasn't been without its share of tragedy, though.  First, I got a speeding ticket on the way to mow the yard I hoped I wouldn't have to mow for (allegedly) doing 45 in a 30mph zone.  I'm such a danger to society!  Sleep well, America, knowing that your hard-earned tax dollars are going to protect the streets from people driving 45mph.

And most devastatingly, I saw a 24-game Words With Friends winning streak come to an end.  Lost to an ex-girlfriend.  And not even the smart one.  This is why you shouldn't maintain contact with your exes.

But it hasn't all been disappointment.  I mean, we found out that Ted and Robin did wind up together in the end.  (Suck it, Barney!)  And I landed a side gig playing the Easter Bunny at a children's store.

Yes, that's an Easter Bunny selfie.  It's entirely possible my life has reached its pinnacle.

I suppose that's all for now.  I'm off to the Jungle Room.  OK, I don't really have a Jungle Room.  But we did paint the guest bathroom a color called "gentle pasture."  I spend quite a bit of time in there.

I like to think of it as my own little meditation garden.

"You can't drive through Talladega on a weekend in October / Head up north to Jacksonville / Cut around and over / Watch your speed in Boiling Springs / They ain't got a thing to do / They'll get you every time / Somebody take me home / Through those Alabama pines..."

"Last week, on The Bible..."

With the Bible ended and our brackets busted, our thoughts turn to the swelling spring -- flowers, showers, and the new season of Mad Men.  A nation takes solace in the fact that evil Duke has been defeated for another year.

For some reason, hearing the phrase, "Last week, on the Bible..." never failed to crack me up.  At the same time, the promo for the final installment that said, "The Bible ends tonight," kind of freaked me out a little.  Let's just say I was more thankful than usual to see the sun rise that next morning.

I wonder if the History Channel has considered the limitless possibilities for Biblical reality-show spinoffs.  Real Concubines Of Gomorrah.  Joshua & Caleb Take Canaan.  Pimp My Chariot.   So You Think You Can Prophesy?  Cash Camel.  Survivor: The Flood.  Lamech Is 147 & Single.  Mesopotamia's Got Talent.

Sticking with our odd Jewish/Christian religious theme, I went to see Jerry Seinfeld... on Good Friday.  I received the tickets as a birthday gift, and was pretty excited to see "An Evening With Jerry Seinfeld" printed on them.  However, that was a little misleading.  Turns out it's an evening with Jerry Seinfeld and like three thousand other people.

Our seats were in row Y of the balcony, which meant there was only one row in the entire arena farther from the stage than us.  So it was more like An Evening With Nosebleeds... and this mysterious Jerry Seinfeld voice booming from somewhere in the vast darkness below.

Nonetheless, it was good to relax for a solid ninety minutes and watch someone else trying to be funny for a change.  The opening act, Tom Papa, provided non-stop laughs.  I actually thought he upstaged Seinfeld a little.  Also disappointed that there was no "If anyone has any can't miss ideas for new sitcoms, please meet Jerry backstage at this time" announcement.  So I didn't get to pitch my brilliant show idea, which I cannot share with you at this time for nebulous reasons.

After the show, we ate at Chic-fil-A.  They were piping some religious-sounding music through the speakers.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Continuing with our new "joke" theme, I did have one April Fools' Joke (Is it fools, fools', or fool's?) played on me -- by Nephew Bone.  He called me Monday.

"Hey Uncle Bone, it's snowing!"

"It's snowing at your house?"

"It's snowing at everybody's house, Uncle Bone!"

"Oh no!  Are we gonna build a snowman?"

"Ha ha, April Fools!"

Can't believe I fell for that one.  (He says, knowing he'd fall for it a thousand times more.)  Plus, Nephew Bone has verbal apraxia, so the words are a struggle and a lot of them aren't clear, which increases the heart-melt a hundredfold.

I got him a toy golf set for Easter.  I figure it's never too early to gauge his interest/try to nudge him forcefully down the path I have chosen for him.  Work with me people, I'm trying to groom a future golf partner here.

He was way more interested in hiding the eggs this year than hunting them.  Of course, then he runs around the yard directing you and pointing to where he hid the next egg. Which actually wouldn't be a bad quality to have in a golf partner. "Hey, Uncle Bone.  Your ball's over here.  In this briar patch.  Behind this hundred-year-old oak tree.  Again."

Once in awhile you have an epiphanic moment where you realize life is not at all how and what you thought it might be. It's not necessarily worse or better, just different.  Far different.

I had such a moment when I found myself squatting and pretending to "lay" a turquoise-colored Easter egg in an attempt to make a 4-year-old laugh.  In all my forethought, scheming and dreaming, I somehow never saw that coming.

Life: The biggest April Fools' Joke of all.

"I'm April's fool / I play by her rules / She treats me any old way she wants to..."

Wonder whatever became of me?

Let's begin today with a little humor. Very little.

Phone call from Dad the other day:
"Did your sister tell you I'm getting an iPad?"
"What! No you are not."
"Yes, I am. I'm getting an iPad."
"Oh, Lord help us." (Thinking, how will he ever learn how to work it?)
"The doctor says I have cataracts, so after they do surgery I'm gonna have to wear an eye pad."

*smacking self on forehead*

These are my comedy roots. Knowing this, I think it's quite remarkable that I have ever made anyone laugh at all.

Easter has come and gone since the last time we commenced. Highlights included Nephew Bone hunting eggs. Although they weren't really hidden, they were just sort of strewn across the yard in plain view. Back when I used to hunt, the eggs were hard to find! They would be up in trees, across a busy street... Then again, I was thirty-six.

Then, of course, there's the Easter candy. How they came up with the combination of hiding eggs and eating candy I'll never know. Asking me to pick my favorite Easter candy is sort of like asking me to pick my favorite Wham! song -- virtually impossible and even the bad ones are pretty good.

However, Marshmallow Peeps are a perennial favorite around the Bone household. I especially appreciate the extra effort they take in putting two brown dots for the eyes on each and every chick. What was the thinking behind this? "No! You can't market them like that. No one will ever believe they're chickens unless they have eyes!"

This past Saturday, I ran my first 10K of the year. I say first, which would indicate that there will be at least one more in the lead-up to the half marathon of a still-to-be-determined date and location. I ran a 48:35 Saturday, good for a solid 66th-place finish. I also realized that I have the same thought when I get to every race and see hundreds of people milling around: Am I the only person here who isn't normally up at 6 AM on a Saturday!?!?

In other news of note, I think we may have skipped right over spring this year in the heart of Dixie. We had about two days of windy, 65-degree weather. Otherwise, we pretty much went straight from not-really-cold-enough-to-be-winter-but-too-gray-to-be-spring to may-as-well-call-it-summer. I briefly considered inventing another new season -- perhaps Spummer or Suing -- but I figure one new season is enough for one person for one lifetime. I don't want to be too prolific, else people will start expecting things.

Not that I'm complaining about the weather, mind you. I enjoy warmth, whether it's an inappropriate hug from a grandmotherly old lady who I don't really know or simply basking in the glow of our yellow sun. Temps have been in the 80's most of the last two weeks here and I've been taking full advantage, doing plenty of grilling, golfing and running.

Next weekend, I'll be heading up to Cincinnati to see my beloved Reds play. It'll be my first visit to Great American Ballpark, or Cincinnati for that matter, land of Johnny Bench and Johnny Fever. We're going to the game on Saturday. I'm open to suggestions for something to do that Sunday, as apparently there is, much to my dismay, not a WKRP In Cincinnati museum.

"From some other planet, I'd get this funky high on yellow sun. Boy, I bet my friends would all be stunned..."