Thursday, May 01, 2014

The '14 Comeback Special

I'm not sure I remember how to do this.

This must be how Elvis felt during the '68 comeback special.  Come to think of it, I have put on a few extra pounds.  Do me a favor, if e'er I should be honored with a postage stamp -- posthumously or humously(???) -- please vote for Young (skinny) Bone.

Actually, some people called me Elvis in 9th grade.  And by some people, I mean, my entire class.  It's a funny story, really.  And by funny story, I mean I still cringe whenever I think about that year.

It was 1988.  The "Elvis & Me" made-for-TV movie was coming out.  My hairstylist uncle had given me a haircut, which turned out to be more of a hairdo.  One which evidently resembled that of Graceland's most famous owner.  I also curled my lip when I smiled.  I'm not really sure why I did that.  Like if I'd always done it, or if the hairdo brought it out magically.  Either way, no one was happier to see 10th grade (and return to my usual 68-year-old barber) than me.

Anyhow, getting back to the gist of why I haven't blogged in nearly three months.  Here it is: I've been busy.

Oh sure, Bone, we're all busy.  (That was you talking. You follow?)

But you don't understand.  I have the time management skills (and possibly the attention span)  of a two-year-old.  I'd been so un-busy for so long that whatever modest time management skills I may have once possessed had long ago atrophied.

So when I picked back up the second job I had last summer doing web updates for a non-profit, in addition to the freelance writing gig I still have, my regular full-time job, and mowing, well, Bone as you knew him ceased to exist.

Golfing Bone.  Making-up-Fake-Onion-stories Bone.  Napping-more-frequently-than-a-Kindergartner Bone.  That Bone is dying.  God, I hate to see him go.  But he had a good run.

Well, OK, a run.

I was hoping to not do any lawns this year since I already had a second and third job.  But one of my clients from last year texted to see if I was going to mow again.  Not wanting to disappoint anyone (except girlfriends, I'm used to that) because everyone has to like me, I said I would.

Oh, also there was a little matter of fearing I was going to be evicted, followed by my own personal version of Property Virgins, making an offer on two houses literally hours after they'd sold, then pulling an offer on a third before everything finally worked out on house number 4.

So yeah, I finally lost my virginity.  I'm a homeowner.  Or, will be in 359 more easy monthly installments.

The year hasn't been without its share of tragedy, though.  First, I got a speeding ticket on the way to mow the yard I hoped I wouldn't have to mow for (allegedly) doing 45 in a 30mph zone.  I'm such a danger to society!  Sleep well, America, knowing that your hard-earned tax dollars are going to protect the streets from people driving 45mph.

And most devastatingly, I saw a 24-game Words With Friends winning streak come to an end.  Lost to an ex-girlfriend.  And not even the smart one.  This is why you shouldn't maintain contact with your exes.

But it hasn't all been disappointment.  I mean, we found out that Ted and Robin did wind up together in the end.  (Suck it, Barney!)  And I landed a side gig playing the Easter Bunny at a children's store.

Yes, that's an Easter Bunny selfie.  It's entirely possible my life has reached its pinnacle.

I suppose that's all for now.  I'm off to the Jungle Room.  OK, I don't really have a Jungle Room.  But we did paint the guest bathroom a color called "gentle pasture."  I spend quite a bit of time in there.

I like to think of it as my own little meditation garden.

"You can't drive through Talladega on a weekend in October / Head up north to Jacksonville / Cut around and over / Watch your speed in Boiling Springs / They ain't got a thing to do / They'll get you every time / Somebody take me home / Through those Alabama pines..."


  1. That Easter Bunny selfie is by far the scariest thing I have ever seen.

  2. I'm not sure that is the reason to not keep contact with exes, but I will say it sounds like you got what you deserved ;)

    But not with the ticket. Cops suck.

  3. now to pose that rabbit outside of your house. LOL!

    well I hope you didn't get outbid on the other houses by survivors of the Andrea Doria.

  4. Oh gawd Bone you are too funny still. After your hiatus.

    And proud of homeowner Bone who bought a house in record time for anybody--oh wait I bought one even more quickly.

    My favorite part--Bone Elvis or is it Elvis Bone?

    Love the Bone Bunny selfie. Kind of sick!

  5. Xinh ~ You're not the first person who has said that.

    TC ~ I almost told him that, but then there was that whole discretion/valor thing.

    Renee ~ Good to see after my three-month hiatus that your Seinfeld references are still sharp. Well done.

    Pia ~ The great thing about the Bone Bunny Selfie outfit is its versatility. It fits in most anywhere, from a children's store to a bank heist.

  6. Yay! It's so nice to have you back in my blogroll!

  7. It's good to see you back. I can't say I've ever seen an un-terrifying Easter bunny, but you seem slightly less terrifying than most ;-) Congratulations on the house!

  8. Congrats on the house! Glad to see you around...

  9. Welcome back, Bone! I actually came over and peeked at your blog a couple of times to see if I had missed a post in my newsfeed. Your wonderful humor is still fully intact, I see. :)

    Congrats to you on your new home...your bunny selfie is priceless.

  10. Congrats on being a homeowner. It's swell. HA!
    Also, you can rock the bunny outfit. I foresee a Halloween costume.

  11. I love that selfie... just stay out of the woods during Cottontail season. Like you, I am letting blogging slide.