Sunday, March 27, 2011

It's all in the name?

I was three days with no Internet last week. It was rough, I'm not gonna lie. I know men have probably overcome more, but few if any have worked harder in relation to their normal productivity output. I spent about fifteen hours trying to diagnose and fix the problem with my router, which is quite possibly the most time I've spent on any one thing ever, by about fourteen hours.

During this ordeal, I became familiar with terms and ideas previously foreign to me. Things like "Ethernet bridging," "MAC cloning" and "reading instruction manuals."

It was largely an exercise in frustration, often verbally disparaging myself because I couldn't figure the thing out. But alas, sometime around 8 o'clock Friday night, everything seemed to be working as normal again. It's a good thing, too, because my fantasy baseball draft was this afternoon.

Ah yes, it's that time of the year again: the smell of freshly cut grass, the crack of the bat, grown men adjusting their cups on national TV. And Bone spending an inordinate amount of time trying to come up with the perfect name for his fantasy baseball team.

With finishes of 4th, 3rd, and 4th by my fantasy team the past three seasons, it occurs to me that I may be better at naming a team than actually drafting and managing a team. For example, last year's team, Rolen On The River, finished a disappointing 4th place. However, during last year's draft, I did receive a couple of compliments on my team name.

But this is a new year. Rolen On The River has been retired to the Bone Hall Of Names. I now hereby do present to you the six finalists for this year's team name. First, we'll look at the five runners-up.

Everybody Loves Ramón - This was one of the first ideas I came up with, but eventually decided it was kinda lame. Besides, I never really liked that show.

Dusty's Spring Field - Admittedly a bit of a reach. Even though baseball technically starts in spring, it's considered more the sport of summer.

Going Going Gomes - Not bad, but kind of obvious.

This Is How Aroldis - I like this one a lot. Plus, I have a Bama shirt that says "This Is How I Roll." Maybe next year.

Edinson's Many Interventions - I really like this one, too. Though it refers to a player who served a 50-game suspension for a banned substance last year, which seems a bit edgy for me. Also, like Between Bill Buckner's Legs a year ago, it exceeds Yahoo's 20-character limit, so it was a no-go anyway.

A quick reminder: Runners-up this year are eligible to be considered again the following season. For while I would like to come up with five creative new names each season, I'm fast running out of Reds players. So your input is welcome.

And now it's time to present this year's winner. After several days of pondering, and having consulted with my email and instant messaging inner circle, I have reached a decision. With a tip of the cap to The Godfather, I give you your 2011 Bone fantasy baseball team name:

Votto Bing!

(pause for applause)

Will this inspire my typically under-achieving team to a first-place finish? Well, if history tells us anything, the answer is no. But if just one of the other nine managers in my league looks with envy at my team name and says to himself, "I wish I'd thought of that," then this will have been a successful season.

"We got a great pitcher, what's his name, well we can't even spell it. We don't worry about the pennant much., we just like to see the boys hit it deep. There's nothing like the view from the cheap seats..."


  1. The second to last one. And I loved Everybody Loves....once I began watching it---you know, long story short not told
    You can always make me laugh. Thanks much. I'm not feeling very clever or witty now so...

  2. Dusty Springs Field I like because Every Body but me loved Raymond. ;)

  3. I have made it a point to learn everything about routers.

    But then I can FIX most things. It comes with the territory. (Having three brothers helps!!)


  4. This post might have been posted in Chinese for all the sense it made to me. The only time I watch baseball is when I'm sick and want to take a long nap. Nothing makes me fall asleep faster or sleep better than baseball. But being familiar with your wit, I trust that your fantasy names are extremely witty.

  5. Bravo! Good name! have a great fantasy season!

  6. Pia - I'm always late to shows, too. Can't think of one I've watched from the get-go. Even Seinfeld, I probably didn't start watching until Season 3 or 4. But once I discover a show, I'm forever loyal.

    Cooper - You and me both.

    Gautami - I think that's an excellent plan. For I never want to be without Internet again.

    Ed - That's actually a good policy for all my posts. Just assume they're witty and laugh.

    Renee - OK, OK, I'll return you to your previous scheduled programming of non-sports blogging with my next post. Stay tuned.

    DP - Thanks, DP. You, too :)

  7. Great post! I laughed at your foreign terms, especially "reading instruction manuals" Baseball season is almost here and although I don't play fantasy ball, I'll get down to Detroit or over to Chicago for at least one game this May.

  8. Good luck with that. :) Glad to see your posts are still funny as ever :) Missed you while I was hiding under my rock for the past 4 months.

  9. No Bone for a month? This is not good. This is not good at all! Happy Easter, Bone~~ :~)