Tuesday, March 22, 2011

...And the pursuit of cotton twill

One of my lifelong pursuits -- I have about eight or nine of them -- is to make the Late Show With David Letterman weekly online top ten contest.

Here's how it works: Each week, they post a new category. Anyone is free to enter. Their "judges" then choose the ten "best" submissions to make the online top ten list. Winners get a free Late Show t-shirt and have their joke published on the website.

For the past two or three years, I have been trying to win this top ten contest. Oh sure, not every week. That type of dedication and persistence would be so unlike me. I probably enter about once every month. OK, every two months. That's not the point, though it probably should be.

In this time, my entries have run the gamut of the comedy hierarchy. Yet they have all had one thing in common: they have all not been selected.

I will admit there have been a couple that seemed side-splittingly hilarious to me at the time, but now -- eh, not so much. For example: "Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Think WikiLeaks Is." Bone's entry: "Another one of them Palin kids."

But there have also been entries whose failure to make the list continue to befuddle me even to this very day, and will until the day I die. To wit: "Top Ten Little Known Facts About Santa Claus." My response: "Doesn't believe in HIMSELF."

Come on! That's gold, Jerry! GOLD!

I was so sure that one would make it that I'd already started shopping for plaid shorts to match the soon-to-be-mine Late Show t-shirt. Are you telling me there were ten better entries than that? "Thinks it's funny to answer misdirected fan mail for Carlos Santana?" Please. That's a horrific insult to comedy itself. I'm beginning to wonder if David Letterman is reading my entries at all.

My latest failed foray into cyber comedy was last week in the category "Signs Your Neighbor Has March Madness." My entry: "Named his kids Bracket and Gumbel." Decent, I thought, only to wake up Saturday morning and find myself disappointed yet again.

All I want is for my first name, last initial, and hometown to appear on the Late Show website beside my joke, my (as I'm sure you will agree by now, well-deserved) Late Show t-shirt, and for Letterman himself to write me a letter saying something to the effect of "you really should have pursued a career in comedy, and it's the world's loss that you didn't." His words, not mine.

Until then, the pursuit continues. Intermittently, of course.

Don't want to get burned out.

"You got your spell on me, baby, turnin' my heart into stone. I need you so bad,
magic woman, I can't leave you alone..."


  1. If "Doesn't believe in himself" didn't make the top ten, I'm not sure I want to watch Letterman again. That truly was pure gold.

  2. LOL. Hold on to those plaid shorts, Bone - your day is coming, I just know it. :~)

  3. I think you're funny. Does that count? Should I make you a shirt? Would that make it more official??

  4. Bone, the problem is that your responses to the Top 10 questions are witty, and sometimes even downright hilarious, as with your Santa response. Why is that a problem? Because those Top 10 answers are rarely funny.

    Don't think of it as you not being funny, but simply that whoever chooses those Top 10 responses is an idiot with no sense of humor. I doubt Dave reads through them all every week , more likely it's an Intern.

  5. For some reason, my post didn't post... Since your Christmas post didn't make it, maybe it's time for an Easter Post. Top ten reasons why you believe in the Easter bunny... I am never up late enough to watch Letterman.

  6. and along the same lines as Cap'n John's comment... the folks in charge of choosing "the best" are writers who don't want to loose their jobs to someone out in TV land who is funnier than they are. So yes, Dave doesn't ever see your wit because some nitwit doesn't want to loose his job.

  7. we can start a protest of not watching Dave for you. (course I didn't watch him before)

  8. Ed - Thanks, Ed. I have to admit I was pretty proud of that one. And disappointed it wasn't chosen.

    Sweetest In The Gale - Oh, no worries. If and when my ship comes in, I'll be ready to set sail in plaid.

    Cami - Yes, of course that counts. Hmm, a shirt, I dunno. What would it say? :)

    Cap'n John - I have to agree with you. Most nights, the Top Ten isn't nearly as funny as it was in the early days. As much as it pains me to say that.

    Sage - There probably will be an Easter category in the next few weeks. This will give me time to think on it.

    Renee - Wow, that's a good and interesting point.

    Eh, I could never boycott. I've been a fan far too long. Besides, like you said, his lackeys are doing the "judging" and he's never even getting to read my submissions.

    I just needed some affirmation to reassure me that I wasn't a hack like Kenny Bania :)

  9. I happened to like the Palin kids one. Made me laugh. And I'm not easy. But you always manage to
    Think we have a deal that I won't mention about continuing :)

  10. I liked each of your submissions. *I* would have voted for you.

    There is a game called THINGS. I think you would enjoy it. Each card has a 'thing' on it. "Things that are hard to measure" "Things that shouldn't be on a playground"

    Each player writes their response, puts it in a pile, and then you try to guess who put in which response. I've played it with some rather clever people and thoroughly enjoyed it.


  11. That is awesome that you do that.

  12. I notice that the list gets less funny as time goes on. I think we should start some kind of campaign.

  13. Pia - It seemed so funny at the time to me. Just didn't age well, I guess.

    Also, at first I thought your comment said "I happened to like the Palin kids." :)

    Charlotta - Sounds a little like Balderdash. Or am I the only one who has played Balderdash?

    KittyCat - Thanks. It's definitely one of the greatest things I've yet to accomplish :)

    Cooper - Only if you're spearheading it.

  14. I made Cami laugh.


  15. Cami - Perfect.

    My other baller shirt was getting kinda old.