To say I'm not doing much these days would be a gross understatement. Or should it be overstatement? Whichever, it's definitely gross. The Januarys are in full force around here. I do feel inspired sometimes. But if I wait an hour, it usually passes.
Meanwhile, I've been having wildly vivid dreams lately. One of my very recurring dreams is that I'm golfing but I can never quite get the ball teed up just right. It's too close to me, then too far away, then it falls off the tee, and on and on. It's extremely frustrating.
So then I try and think what am I frustrated about. Life? Love? Writing? That Matchbox Twenty won't put out a new album? Probably the last one.
I have been thinking a bit about turning thirty-eight next month. And I have decided I'm going to go ahead and do it. I mean, when I considered the other options, the choice was pretty clear.
Seriously though, at first glance, thirty-eight seems so benign. Then I think about the whole thirty-nine-and-holding thing, and suddenly thirty-eight feels like the last year of... something. But I am fairly certain no one wants me to get into any sort of deep self-analysis on these feelings, least of all me.
Meanwhile, the wildly vivid dreams continue -- about golf, ex-girlfriends, even Family Feud, though not all in the same dream. In the Family Feud dream, the entire facade of the house across the street was one gigantic Family Feud board. And the guy who lives there was asking me survey questions. Unfortunately, Richard Dawson wasn't in the dream, so that was a little disappointing as you might expect.
A couple of nights ago I had a bit of a different golf dream. The Darryls and I were three holes from the end of our round when one of the course workers rode up on a golf cart and said all the carts had to be in immediately because they were going home for the evening. After much discussion, I finally convinced him to take my cart and my bag and just let me keep 3 or 4 clubs out so I could finish the round, and I would pick up my bag at his house later.
However, the Darryls had continued playing and were now a couple of holes ahead of me. And when I started trying to play again, I was back to the recurring dream situation and couldn't get my ball to stay on the tee.
OK, so they weren't very wild, but they were vivid, darn it! I'm open to interpretation. And interpretations. Other than I suck at golf and play way too much Family Feud online. I already know this.
I have surmised that my subconscious self is living the life my January conscious self can't. Well, note to subconscious Bone: Enjoy it while you can, buddy boy. February's coming, and conscious me will be back to normal, whatever that is.
I may even attempt to socialize with the other humans.
"Don't tell me how to be, 'cause I like some suffering. Don't ask me what I need. I'm just fine here finding me..."
Maybe January does that us. December is actually worse. One starts thinking the whole year has passed, what have I really achieved? But we achieve something or the other. We grow in experience, gain knowledge all that blah, blah, blah.
ReplyDeleteThe January comes. We are filled with enthusiasm and wish for things to move faster. But it does not happen. Everything in life has its own time, own pace.
If I take my own example, I was totally exhausted. Emotionally/Physically/Mentally. And my poetry died. Believe me, it died. I had no option but to bury it. Or cremate it, as we Hindus do.
And what happens? It resurrects out of nothing. I don't know how or from where.
Maybe, when we finally give up something, which we think has left us anyways, it comes back.
And age? Think like this, every day we are getting younger, not older. And it works. Truly it does. And Thirty Nine is new Eighteen. Go for it!
I think you should go volunteer at your local community theater. Then you would be too busy to think...and probably have very dreamless nights.
ReplyDeleteand as someone who has been there done that 38 thing...age is only a number. Really, you are as young as you feel.
You can't even be depressed like a normal person. Have to do it funny
ReplyDeleteI have many fave lines beginning with the Matchbox Twenty one which says more about me I guess
Look at this way. You get to see the Darryla, and be on Family Feud.
And 39 and holding is now 29 and holding, so you have another 15 years to feel very youthful (the new age math, not new age in the sense it's always almost used in but age)
I can tell you that i hate winter and it makes me depressed.
ReplyDeletehowever Im not having any of the good dreams like you.
damn it!
HOpefully spring will come early this year. maybe I should go and have a talk with that damn ground hog in advance. what cha think?
Just sayin
"baby, it's 3AM, you must be lonley..."
ReplyDeleteGautami - Maybe, when we finally give up something, which we think has left us anyways, it comes back.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good thought. There's probably a lot of truth to that.
But I'm never filled with enthusiasm in January. Well, except maybe when we got 8 inches of snow :)
Renee - As I was writing this I kept thinking of George opening up to Jerry.
George: "So that's it. All of my darkest fears, and everything I'm capable of. That's me."
Jerry: "Good luck with ALL that."
Well, I do feel pretty young. Wait, is "young" the same thing as "immature?"
Pia - You can't even be depressed like a normal person.
Oh, that is so true. lol
The Matchbox Twenty line was one of my faves, too. Am I allowed to have faves?
KittyCat - Please, do whatever you gotta do to make sure the groundhog sees his shadow. Or doesn't. I can never remember which means what.
DailyPanic - "I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes..."
Well, for someone who supposedly isn't doing anything, you definitely made the telling entertaining. I chuckled throughout this entire post, and must confess to loving the MB20 line, too.
ReplyDeleteAren't they supposed to be putting out a new album this year? Or is that just a recurring rumor?
I'm glad January is almost over for you. Me personally? I get excited when March hits (not a big vday fan). Soon! :)
If I started having reoccurring golf dreams, I would go see a shrink! Happy upcoming birthday, Bone.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit worried about your dream golf course making you come in so they could go home.
ReplyDeleteUm.
No.
You wait for me, pal.
In the next dream, you should get in a fight. That'll make for good fun!
I've been trying to decipher the Daryls dream, and have decided that it's best to leave well enough alone.
ReplyDelete39 is the new just the right age to date a 24 year old. ;)
TC - Well they were supposed to start working on it last year, according to Wikipedia, source of all information. But best I can tell from Twitter, they're just now getting started.
ReplyDeleteSomeone told me today that Daylight Savings Time is only 44 days away. Ah, longer days.
Sage - Eh, I'll give it five or ten years, see if I stop having them.
Thanks.
Cami - Yeah, there's no way that'd happen in consciousness. We've played so late before you couldn't even see the ball. And oddly enough, I seemed to play better in those conditions.
Cooper - That's pretty much the same conclusion I reach anytime I start to think about analyzing anything about my life.
Alright! So just one more year to go :)
38 isn't all that bad. Really I'm on the other side of 38 and it isn't bad at all.
ReplyDeleteI like your family feud dream I wonder what that says about the relationship you have with your neighbor!
I think we should just skip right to March.
I agree with pia...even your winter doldrums are sparkling with humor! Like you, I hate that January drags so much. Here's to February -- cheers. :~)
ReplyDeleteSomeone should really invent an advent calendar for January, maybe with little motivational speeches behind the doors instead of chocolates. Sigh. Roll on February...
ReplyDeleteWow, you make my dream of drowning people in my back yard seem downright sane ;-)
ReplyDeleteI heart you J-Dizzle, and I know you'll bounce back, you always do!
As for your upcoming birthday, glad you decided to go ahead with it. That was the decision I had to make with 30 too...I think we're choosing wisely!
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ReplyDelete"And I have decided I'm going to go ahead and do it."
ReplyDeleteFavorite line in your blog!
PennyCandy - I enjoy dreaming of Family Feud, as well. Not sure what it says, especially since it was my across-the-street neighbor, and not the next-door neighbors who have caused so many problems.
ReplyDeleteSweetest In The Gale - Here's to February, indeed. As I type this, we're already five days in :)
J Adamthwaite - Good idea. You could invent that :)
I was thinking maybe I should try and plan a mid-January trip each year. Maybe that would help.
Arlene - Drowning people in your backyard? LOL Um, good luck analyzing that one.
Terra - Thanks! As I said, in the end, it was an easy choice :)