Wednesday, December 22, 2010

While visions of lap desks danced in his head...

Every year while Christmas shopping, I usually wind up buying a gift or two for myself. After all, isn't that what the holidays are all about? No? Well, forget I said that. Anyway, I'd done really well this year, not buying myself a single thing. Until last week.

That's when I discovered what is quite possibly the greatest invention since the automatic paper towel dispenser: the lap desk.

Have you heard of these things? Sounds a little like lap dance, but it's much more satisfying. It's like silk underwear for your laptop! Not that I wear or endorse silk underwear, but I imagine it would be a luxurious and quite delightful experience. There's even a place for a beverage! If I could somehow attach a mini-fridge, I'd have it all.

Remarkably, I did manage to leave the laptop for a little while this past weekend, though I'm not quite sure how. I think I must have reached the end of the internet or something. The weekend consisted of caroling, driving around looking at Christmas lights, and that most treasured of holiday tradition -- bowling.

Caroling was a bit of a different adventure this year than last. The main difference being we didn't get the van with the seats in it this year. Instead we took my cousin's company van. He owns a dry cleaning business, and the only thing in the back of the van were two rods for hanging clothes.

So there were seven of us piled on the floor in the back of a van. At least it was carpeted. It had a very nativity-esque feel to it, I thought. If the wise men were traveling today, I feel confident in saying this is how they'd roll.

Saturday night, I managed to get the Darryls together to go bowling. I nearly split my yule log when I saw the rates: $5.25 a game, plus $4 for shoe rentals! Evidently bowling has gone the way of Red Lobster and is now only for the upper class.

Everyone agreed this was an outrage, especially Wolfgang who was there with his new wife and newly acquired children in tow. So I called the ghetto bowling alley to check rates. It was a good bit cheaper and, not surprisingly, they had plenty of lanes available, so off we went. This place was a tad scary, but with my street cred at an all-time high I figured we'd be OK, and we were.

Finally, for any who might be wondering, I will be hosting my annual Festivus celebration Thursday night. Every year, I keep thinking this is the year I won't do it. After all, how long can one man celebrate a fake holiday from a TV show that went off the air 12 years ago? Well apparently, at least six years in a row.

Maybe this is my ticket into the Guinness Book -- most consecutive years hosting a Festivus party. Then perhaps "Silver Pole" will find its way into Wikipedia, thus ending both of the great quests of my life. Of course, then I'd have to come up with new life goals for myself, and that could take a while.

Merry Christmas and Happy Festivus to one and all. Here's hoping you don't have to fight your father in the feats of strength this year.

"There'll be meatloaf, maybe pizza, at the Festivus meal. After grievances aired, hearts are heavy. Then it's time for Feats of Strength, it's Frank Costanza's big scene. Festivus won't be o'er 'til someone's pinned..."


  1. You are too funny--nearly split my Yule log
    Evidently bowling has gone the way of Red Lobster and is now only for the upper class.
    Seinfeld will be off the air 13 years in May so I think you have an excellent chance of making it into the Guiness book of records
    Glad you could get the Darryls together. I think that was your Christmas miracle

  2. I think you really need to live-blog Festivus one of these years :)

    I asked for a lap desk last year, but I think no one knew what they were, because I definitely did not get one. It's not such a big deal with my new computer, but my old, decrepit one (it was duct-taped at the end to keep it working) got HOT! I needed something under it, and after awhile, magazines weren't cutting it.

    So on a scale of 1-10: how addicted are you to the new laptop/lap desk? :) My money is on a 12...

    Hope you have a wonderful Festivus, and that the grievances against you are mild.

  3. Oh, I forgot to mention that I agree with Pia: I think you used up all your Christmas/Festivus miracles just getting the Darryls together for a night. Don't push it hoping for anything else.

  4. Your such a riot.
    Life must just be soo much fun with you.
    Im envious.

    As for shopping for yourself, I think its ok if you have already finished all your shopping for everyone else.
    Just sayin.......

    Happy Holidays

  5. I've had a lap desk longer than I've had a lap top. Wow! They are very cool, I even made a special bag for mine so I could take it to Church. (livin large!)

    and yes you should be in a record book somewhere for your Festivus celebrations...although that silver pole selling website might be able to hook you up with other faithful Festivus celebrants.

    and it's a Festivus Miracle!

  6. Pia - Thanks. What's more remarkable than me continuing to have a Festivus party is that people keep showing up :)

    And I think you're right about the miracle. That's become a bit of a rarity.

    TC - Hey, that's not a bad idea! Especially now that I have the laptop.

    I'm sure I have some testimonials about laptop addiction that would blow your 12 out of the water.

    KittyCat - Life must just be soo much fun with you.

    Good one. Oh wait, you're serious? :)

    Thanks, and happy holidays to you, too.

    Renee - I'm loving it. Now if I could just get a recliner with a built-in fridge like George had.

    And surely there can't be that many people who've hosted a Festivus celebration six years in a row. Plus, I have blog documentation as proof.

  7. I bet if you Googled "people celebrating Festivus" you'd find blog evidence (besides yours) of people who throw parties. Maybe not 6 years worth, but still. I do applaud you for sticking with it. And I bet the year that I finally make it to HSV for the holidays is the one year you DON'T do it.

    Also, I think $5.25 for bowling plus $4 for shoe rental is actually pretty cheap. They don't have Lucky Strike bowling lanes in your neck of the woods. That place is EXPENSIVE. $11.50 per hour plus $5 shoe rental.

  8. I can't believe it has been twelve years already since I've watched my last Seinfeld episode. The fact that every time you lay down a reference and I can still remember it is testimony to how great a show it really was.

  9. Hope you get everything you ask for from Santa! Merry Christmas Bone!

  10. I giggled over every single paragraph...I wish I could bottle up your incredible humor and take a swig or two on any given day when I need a laugh. Too funny! You have a gift...happy holidays, Bone!

  11. I have purchased laps desks for three people as gifts, and I often think I should just go ahead and get myself one, as well...of course, I'd be over the moon with a lapTOP to put on the lapdesk.

    It would be wonderful to see pics of this year's festivus. You must dress for the occasion, in case you make The Guinness book.

    Happy Holidays!

  12. I've never had a lap-desk, but if it encourages more posting from you so much the better.

    Happy Christmas Bone, enjoy your celebration.

    And please, keep that Yule log intact.

  13. Very funny, thanks for the laughs and Happy Festivus (does that have something to do with Fess Parker? Do you wear coon skin hats?)

  14. Xinh - Oh, people definitely throw Festivus parties. But yes, I was just thinking/hoping maybe I was the only one who was at 6 years in a row, and counting. Well as long as the people keep demanding it, I'll keep doing it :)

    The shoe rental really is a crock anywhere, because you can get a cheap pair of bowling shoes for $15, and a decent pair for $30. I probably should invest in some.

    Ed - You said it. I don't think there has ever been a show like that, at least not to that degree. Even today, I'll still hear one of the guys on SportsCenter throw in a Seinfeld reference once in awhile.

    Daily Panic - Thanks, DP. And Merry Christmas to you, too.

    Sweetest In The Gale - Thanks, Sweetest. It's always a relief to know my attempt at humor has come through. Happy Holidays to you and yours.

    Actonbell - That's exactly how I wound up with mine -- it was on someone's list I was shopping for.

    I wonder what proper Festivus attire would consist of?

    Happy Holidays!

    Cooper - Happy Christmas to you, Miss Cooper.

    Honestly, I had no idea what that yule log line even meant. Still don't :)

    Sage - Happy Festivus, Sage. I may sometimes wear a coonskin hat, but that has nothing to do with Festivus :)