Friday, December 03, 2010

The pilot

You guys really have me thinking about this reality show idea. I've been trying to figure out who I would get to narrate it. While Bill Curtis might seem like the obvious choice initially, I'm afraid he might be a bit too dramatic. You know, for a reali-com. (I just invented that term.)

I'm thinking maybe Mark-Paul Gosselaar. After all, he is the man who gave me the best nine minutes of my life. Also, just once I'd like for him to call me "Preppy." Of course, I'll need a backup plan in case he's unavailable. And if finding a narrator for my own reality show is anything like finding a date for senior prom, I'll need three or four backup plans.

While I continue to ponder this, as well as possible title ideas, I've decided to do a test run to see what an episode of the Bone reality show might include. Today I will be doing a written storyboard, if there is such a thing, of Bone's Thanksgiving Week. Consider this sort of a faux-pilot, purely for my benefit. As well as any TV execs who might be reading.

Today's episode of A Show With No Name begins with Bone on his way to pick up Nephew Bone for a trip to Chuck E. Cheese on Tuesday evening. The action quickly turns exciting as Bone sees blue lights in his rear-view!

As "Theme Song From The Dukes Of Hazzard" begins to play in the background, a low-speed chase ensues, lasting approximately fifteen seconds, until Bone is able to safely pull into the parking lot of a nearby bank. The officer approaches the car. What will the charge be? Another speeding ticket? Hit-and run? Texting while driving? (This is where we'd cut to commercial for added suspense.)

Turns out Bone was guilty, allegedly, of that most heinous of traffic offenses: following too closely. Are you kidding me? That doesn't even make a good story. It's embarrassing to even tell. In fact, just forget I said anything. We're gonna have to seriously edit this part to make it exciting.

Less than an hour after his latest run-in with the popo, Bone is spotted across town laughing it up at the aforementioned nightspot playing the football toss game. So adept is he at tossing mini-footballs through the little holes that he eventually runs the game out of tickets. At the prize counter, Nephew Bone chooses a lizard and some (temporary) gangsta tats, while Bone opts for some Pop Rocks.

Bone's athletic exploits continue to be on display in our next scene, as we see him at home -- alone -- playing Wii. After a couple of hours, he sets a new personal best by Wii bowling a 279! Then he remarks aloud, "If only Walter Way Williams could see me now!" Um, is Bone aware no one else is in the house? In other news, Bone's right shoulder is quite sore for about four days.

Next it's time for Thanksgiving with the Bones, a great opportunity for viewers to meet the Bone family. If you're wondering why everyone is shouting, it's because Daddy Bone doesn't have his hearing aid today. After breakfast at Daddy Bone's and before supper at Momma Bone's, Bone enjoys a Thanksgiving lunch of chips and salsa in his modern, yet practical bachelor pad. He dozes off and much like the rest of America, misses the second half of the Patriots/Lions game.

This week's episode ends on the highest of highs. It's Saturday night and Bone is home alone again, which is peculiar for sure. We see him at his computer, looking to spend the rest of the $25 iTunes gift card he received last Christmas. In the show's emotional climax, he discovers that iTunes has added "Hands To Heaven" by Breathe! At long last!

Bone is seen swaying back-and-forth in his office chair while singing along as the camera fades.

Executive Producer: Charles Rosin

"So raise your hands to heaven and pray, that we'll be back together someday. Tonight I need your sweet caress, hold me in the darkness. Tonight you calm my restlessness. You relieve my sadness..."


  1. Come on Bone! Theme? Product placement without endorsement? tisk tisk tisk ... You didn't even mention, "Sweet home Alabama!" Kudos on the intense "Dukes of Hazard" drama with the PoPo!

    Alas, who am I to critique??? My life is the female version of yours- but instead of playing Wii- I have the task of eyebrow tweezing. TMI- hey that's reality, my friend. True reality.

    FYI- I'd watch, just to go along for the thrill...

  2. I think this particular season of NoNameShow would have to skip the Friday after Thanksgiving. Also known as Black Friday. Also known as the day Tuscaloosa died.

  3. Instead of iTunes gift cards, someone needs to buy you a video camera for Christmas this year :)

  4. You may have left out the best line about not being able to carve the turkey due to Wii Elbow!

    Bone, you may bring me back to TV after all--but I did just watch The Daily Show and the Cobert Report, then turned the TV off.

  5. This is where we'd cut to commercial for added suspense.) You had me at that one. But then you had to add
    Turns out Bone was guilty, allegedly, of that most heinous of traffic offenses: following too closely.
    Too funny. You are too funny.
    I kind of like the faux reality show idea. And think of the service you would be doing to people everywhere who live similiarly dramatic lives but never knew how to dramatize them

  6. hummm a show about nothing...I don't think it will ever work. ;o)

  7. KittyCat - Thanks, KC. And I assume the awesome comment is referring to my Wii bowling :)

    Daily Panic - Hey, you had your shot at reality stardom with Bama Belles.

    Cami - Only four senior starters. We'll be back next year.

    TC - Good idea. Of course, then I'll need someone to follow me around recording my every move, for very little pay.

    Sage - Two excellent shows. I wouldn't mind following up Colbert on Comedy Central. Might make me a time-slot hit.

    Pia - Thanks! It's my goal to make people feel better about their own lives :)

    Renee - Haha. What about this? I coach a gymnastics team in high school. And my son's not interested in gymnastics, but I'm pushing him into it.

  8. Too funny, have everyone speak in a British accent and it will sell instantly. :-)

  9. your run in with the PoPo was a great story. you're hilarious. i think your new no name show will be a hit. hope all is well.

    love Wii bowling...

  10. It must have been an off day for the police in Alabama to pull you over for following to close. I saw an officer in the fast lane (I was even with him but in the slow lane) pull a lady over for following him too close. Of course her bumper was less than ten feet from his while going 65 mph so I could understand.

  11. Not to be nitpicky about your reality show, but wouldn't it be Mario Lopez calling you "Preppy" and not MPG?

  12. To continue Xinh's comment, wouldn't you need someone with a Southern accent to also narrate? It would be a big draw for us Yankee girls.

    How about that Capital One bowl? I wonder who Nick Saban will root for.

  13. PennyCandy - Oh, my British accent is horrible!

    Naquillity - For a long time, I could real-bowl better than I Wii-bowled. But not any more.

    Ed - I briefly considered telling him I wasn't wearing my contacts so following that closely was the only way I could see the car in front of me, but then thought better of it.

    Xinh - Good call. I thought of that before I posted, but decided to let it go. Maybe while he's narrating I can call time-out and call him "Preppy."

    Murf - Perhaps Sage is available.

    And what is this fixation you have with Nick Saban? :)

  14. 279! That's great. I've always wanted to see someone bowl a 300. I've always imagined balloons and confetti dropping from the ceiling. I wonder how the Wii would recreate that...