Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Men will be boys

It snowed this morning. In Alabama. In March. I don't think there's any doubt we are headed for 2012. I never saw the movie, but as I understand it 2012 is a year the ancient Mayans predicted would occur a couple of years from now. It is going to be like Y2K on crack. And there will be mayhem. And Prince will write a song about it. It is our destiny. It is inevitable. And there is nothing we can do to stop it. (Which, I believe, would be the definition of inevitable.)

In other slightly less doom-impending news, I nearly relapsed this weekend.

After venturing out Friday night only long enough to get some catfish, Saturday found me in the familiar position of wanting to spend the entire weekend in Hermitville. This desire was intensified exponentially by SoapNet airing a 90210 marathon during the period of time in question.

It wasn't even the good 90210s, either. It was after Dylan and Brenda left. Jim and Cindy had moved to Hong Kong. Kelly Kapowski had joined the cast and everybody was pretty much living, partying and/or spending the night at Casa Walsh. Still, that theme song gets me every time. Duh-duh-duh-duh, duh-duh-duh-duh, chh-chh...

So there I was, having the classic devil-on-one-shoulder-angel-on-the-other moment. Active social butterfly angel was imploring, "Get up you lazy schmuck. It's a beautiful day outside. You should go and play golf." Meanwhile, hermit devil was doing his best to lure me back into the throes of hermit-itis: "Stay in bed. You love it here. You can golf anytime. How often does SoapNet have a 90210 marathon? Besides, they might go back and show an old episode like Donna Martin Graduates and you wouldn't wanna miss that, would you?"

As convincing as hermit devil was, after two-and-a-half episodes I'd had my fill of Donna and David's incessant bickering. So I decided to call LJ and we went and golfed. It was fifty degrees and sunny out, but the wind chill must have been about four. I had no idea fifty degrees could feel so cold!

It soon became apparent that my carefully chosen ensemble of khaki pants and thin black mock turtleneck pullover was not going to provide the warmth I desired. One of my fingers did that losing-color-and-going-numb thing from holes three through eight. But after that, the feeling returned, my frostbite fears subsided and it was fun. And for it being my first time golfing this decade, I played OK. I only lost two balls.

And one club.

That's right, upstanding citizen and otherwise mild-mannered blogger Bone lost a nine iron in the lake, accidentally. And by lost, I mean chucked. And by accidentally, I mean sort of on purpose. Cringe.

In my defense, the club did not appear to be working properly. It was supposed to hit the ball high into the air landing on the green. Instead, it scooted the ball along the ground about forty yards. I just as well have hit it with a log.

Oh, I couldn't be more embarrassed. When I wrote the Nine iron over the starboard side post three years ago, I never dreamt it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Maybe the anger management classes will be on the same night and just down the hall from the 90210 support group.

"I didn't go to boarding schools. Preppy girls never looked at me. Why should they? I ain't nobody, got nothing in my pocket. Beverly Hills, that's where I want to be..."


  1. "men will be boys" You are right on that one Bone...but wait...everything is inevitable...

    I never watched 90210, but I've seen clips of it. As often as it is used as a cultural reference I sometimes feel guilty about this, as guilty as you should feel for chucking that golf club.

    I can sort of envision you as you gaze upon the falling snow....

  2. So I thought the line about not missing the "Donna Martin Graduates" episode was funny. Then I got to the "wasn't working properly" line and realized I hadn't read anything yet :)

    I hope you get those anger-management issues cleared up; with the cost of replacing clubs, you could afford several rounds of golf in exotic locales. Well, more exotic than I assume your current golfing locale(s) is(are).

    Btw, you can keep the snow. Consider it a gift :)

  3. perhaps you could get a replacement 9 iron on Craigslist. while you're there see if you can get a slightly used JFK set, it is probably worth a lot of money and I hear he was a very angry golfer.

  4. I've never seen someone throw a club into a pond but your description of it had me laughing.

    Coincidentally, I have seen someone wrap a golf cart around a tree on the course. That was scary to watch but really funny after the scattered individuals formerly occupying the cart were able to get up and walk the rest of the way into the club house.

  5. Cooper - So not very guilty at all then? :) Well, if you do decide to ever watch it, I recommend the first few seasons. It kind of jumped the shark around Season 6 or so.

    Go with that image. I much prefer to be viewed as a peaceful snow gazer than launcher of projectiles.

    TC - Well, it wasn't. I have that problem a few times a round, though. (Club not working properly, that is.)

    Oh, thanks. But it was already gone by 1 PM.

    Renee - ROFL I can't believe that episode never even crossed my mind!

    "Elaine, I never knew Kennedy had such a temper."

    Ed - Oh, I have. And it's definitely funnier when you're not the one doing the throwing :)

  6. Oh to be a "nine-iron" salesman in Alabama... good post, Bone.

  7. Your profile picture... ummm calls for a beach trip! forget the snow. My grandmother lives in Oregon, and when I was a baby playing on the sugar white sand in my diaper- my grandmother would write after recieving the pics -"Why is my grandbaby in the snow in a diaper?" AHHH the "World's most beautiful beaches" can you hear them calling?? Bone... head south!!! The sun is out today & it's hard to stay at work, but @ 50 degrees out the wind chill is still about 30!

  8. Some how I saw this story in my head cartoon-style!

    I wonder how many clubs there are in the bottom of that lake...

  9. The further along I got in this post the more I chuckled until the last couple of lines where I was downright chocking with laughter
    I did love the classic devil---line though the most just for reasons I can't quite define (dementia)

    Thank Donna and David for me for getting you outside and away from hermitville
    Maybe the anger management classes will be on the same night and just down the hall from the 90210 support group.
    I so hope so

  10. Sage - Yeah, I hear there could be a run on them. Thanks.

    Daily Panic - Oh, I hear the beach calling year round, but it definitely gets stronger the closer it gets to spring.

    J Adamthwaite - I'm sure much of my life would work well in cartoon form :)

    I wondered that myself. Maybe I'll compose a letter to the golf course saying that when they drag the lake, the nine iron is mine. And if there's more than one, mine is the one that doesn't work properly.

    Pia - Thanks. If it had been one of the early seasons of 90210, I'm not so sure I would have been that strong.

  11. I can't say I was into 90210 like others. By others I mean you and The Cousin. I think I watched it consistent for one year. I was too young. I didn't understand what the big deal was with the show. Now I was watch the new 90210, and I still wonder what the big deal is with the show. I miss the days of The Cosby Show.

    Did you really throw your club?

  12. I got all the way to the part about'thin black mock turtleneck pullover' and forgot everything I had read and stopped reading what was left. Where's the picture? :-)

  13. i would pay GOOD money to see you head out to the golf course with a log.

    ohdearlord, the very thought makes me giggle

  14. Oh My you are becoming as nasty as John Daly- I heard that idiot is posting the personal cell phone numbers of reporters he disagrees with on twitter. Well that's what I heard...

    Do you have a twitter account and are you mean on there too?

    If you do go to anger management classes tell Daly and John McEnroe I said hi!

    I don't know what shocks me more- chuking irons or your affinity for 90210? ;o)

  15. I can so relate to wanting to stay in bed indefinitely! Society is overrated; there's too much pleasing and smiling that must be done, and it's so--exhausting.

    It seems that golf clubs were made to be thrown, and as long as you didn't hurt anyone in the process, it might have been a good release, even if you were a little embarrassed by it.
    Gee, now I suppose you need to go shopping?

  16. Mock turtlenecks, 50 degree weather that feels like 30, 90210 marathons, snow in Alabama in March and you accidentally lost/threw your golf club. What is this world coming too?

    At least you made me laugh so it's all good.

  17. OKC - You should have been older. The original 90210 was awesome! I'm sure The Cousin will agree.

    Did you really throw your club?

    What do you want to hear?

    Murf - I'll try and work on that for future golf outings. Though I'm not sure how LJ will feel about photographing me.

    Cami - Hey, at least a log should float if I happened to toss it in the lake :)

    Michelle Gartner - No, I haven't reached that level yet. I don't have a Twitter account. I was a John McEnroe fan, though. Always entertaining.

    Actonbell - Society is overrated

    Ha. That'd make a great tagline.

    Exactly. Better that I unleash any frustrations I might have had on the golf course.

    PennyCandy - Maybe my subconscious knew I needed some material for a blog entry, so I subconsciously hurled the club toward the water. Yes, that must have been what happened.

  18. I loved 90210... back in the day that is... I just cant do reruns. TV in general is wasted on me though. My vice is the internet. The great thing with the internet is that you can lay in bed AND play golf at the same time while watching 90210!

    I have posted twice in one week, started a scrabble game, im'd with peeps near and far, and still, I am in bed... life is good! =] (well for about 30 more minutes until the kids wake and everyone needs a piece of me again! hehehe)

    Happy Sunday Bone!

  19. Another post that made me grin from ear to ear...this line made me laugh out loud:

    In my defense, the club did not appear to be working properly.

    I bet there are a lot of malfunctioning clubs in the bottom of that pond...

    And as one hermit-inclined person to another, can I just say that I completely relate to your "I just want to stay home" struggle!

  20. LOL! That's why I stick with tennis. I can throw my racket on the ground and there's no water nearby to "accidentally" claim it. Next time you are out of hermitville, please come play some tenni with me will you?? Then we can take a side trip to...somewhere fun....

  21. Carnealian, you need to be careful how you throw your tennis racquet to the ground. If it hits the ground vertically it can bounce straight back up at you, and it usually smacks you in the head when it does.

    Bone, you don't need a 9-Iron when you have a 5-Iron. Choke down on it and hit either a punch shot, or a looooooooooooong rolling/bouncing putt :)

  22. I've gone golfing - real golfing (not that putt putt kind) once. It was 9 holes and I hit a 97. Yes, you read that correctly. I had several defective clubs. I was renting them though, so I couldn't discard them properly.

    Enjoyed the post.

  23. Cap'n John...you sound like you are speaking from experience with the racquet throwing? Did it leave a mark?