Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hermit, the blog

Saturday was the 5th Annual Festivus For The Rest Of Us at Bone's. This year's total of 15 Festivites surpassed by one the all-time high of 14, achieved in 2006 and previously considered untouchable. Not only that, we had almost as many females as males this year -- which we'd never even come close to before, it's like the three-minute mile -- with a 7:8 ratio. Let's face it, around here that's as good as it gets.

There seemed to be two main grievances against me this year. One was that I'm non-committal. ("Whenever I ask Bone if he wants to do something, he says 'I don't know, that's still three days away.'" Blah blah blah.) Well, duh. I believe I've already delved into that here, like three years ago. So try and keep up.

The other major grievance was that I can sometimes be anti-social. Actually, I believe "hermit" was the term that was used. Answer me this: What's wrong with hermit? Why is everyone so down on hermit? I mean, Herman's Hermits was one of the biggest-selling bands of the British Invasion. And what about the hermit crab? It is one of the most lovable, easy-to-care-for of all the pets. It just doesn't like to go out a lot.

There was one added feature to this year's Festivus. After we ate, aired grievances and watched the Festivus episode of Seinfeld, we played a game of Scene It Seinfeld. I think we all know whose team won.

A couple other thoughts on Festivus: I'm more impressed by "Silver Pole" with each passing year. When I composed it, I never dreamt it would someday be a centerpiece of the Festivus celebration. Now it's become like the hot girl you somehow scored a few dates with in eleventh grade. You have no idea how it happened and you know you could never attain such heights again, but it still feels good to say, "Yeah, I did that."

Also, when one endeavors to do a thing like host one's own annual Festivus party, one never knows if that thing will be a flop like The Chevy Chase Show or if it will be something that endures for many years and changes people's lives, like Farm Aid. Thus, I am continually surprised at its inexplicable success and thankful to all those who never let me get too high by constantly reminding me of all the ways I disappoint them year after year.

And while I think it may violate some Festivus by-law to mention Festivus and Christmas in the same post, I'm doing it anyway. Some Christmas gifts of interest this year included a houndstooth toboggan, the New Kids On The Block Christmas CD (I only had the cassette!), and tickets to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert in Birmingham this weekend. We're gonna party like we're back in the USSR!

I really only received one true head-scratcher this year:

Ah yes, it's a silver elephant ashtray... thingy. At least, it looked like a tiny ashtray. I was later told it was a spoon-holder that goes on the stove. (Oddly enough, I needed one of those.) I just can't imagine the thought process that occurs for someone to see this item and think, "Ooo, that'd be perfect for Bone!"

What's even better is that I have no idea where it came from because, you know, I've never seen anything like it in my entire life, so I can't take it back.

That's all from Hermit Central. I wish you a new year filled with good health and all the things that make you happy.

I, of course, have yet to make New Year's plans.

"Woke up this mornin' feelin' fine. There's somethin' special on my mind. Last night I met a new girl in the neighborhood. Whoa, yeah, somethin' tells me I'm into somethin' good..."


  1. I just can't imagine the thought process that occurs for someone to see this item and think, "Ooo, that'd be perfect for Bone!"


    Oh man. It's a good thing I didn't take a drink right before reading that, 'cuz it would have been all over the screen. What I want to know is... who thinks that would be a perfect gift for anyone?!?!?!?! Wow.

    Personally, I think you got a regift. In fact, I almost hope you did. Because I'd hate to think someone paid good money for that present for you!

    Sounds like you had a wonderful set of holidays, Bone. When both Festivus and Christmas are good to you, who cares that you don't have plans for NYE? :)

  2. Could you explain that gift as I really don't get why a spoon holder would go into the....

    Loved the grievance against you! Glad everybody who knows you has the same one
    he other major grievance was that I can sometimes be anti-social. Actually, I believe "hermit" was the term that was used. Answer me this: What's wrong with hermit? Why is everyone so down on hermit? I mean, Herman's Hermits was one of the biggest-selling bands of the British Invasion. And what about the hermit crab? It is one of the most lovable, easy-to-care-for of all the pets. It just doesn't like to go out a lot.
    Hilarious though....

    You know, well you wouldn't, sometimes I begin singing "Silver Poles" Very catchy

  3. Duh on the stove. I misread it as "in the stove." They're very practical and good to have!

  4. I think that it can't be Christmas if you don't get at least one gift that makes you wonder "What were they thinking?" and it's the thought that counts. ;o)

    I'm so glad to hear that Festivus went well this year, and so sorry I missed it. I think that technically I could still throw one as there is no date for it...right?

  5. NKOTB Christmas album!? JEALOUS.

  6. NKOTB Christmas CD?!? Come on. All the cool kids (such as myself) have it as MP3s.

    I'm not a big fan of the spoon rest. It's just one more thing to wash. I prefer the folded up piece of paper towel to rest it on.

  7. TC - Yeah, regifting is pretty much my only option at this point. Of course, now that I've mentioned it here, I can't give it to anyone I know who reads my blog. Or maybe I can. A year will have passed. Surely they'll have forgotten about it by then.

    Pia - You know, well you wouldn't, sometimes I begin singing "Silver Poles" Very catchy

    Me, too!

    Well, those were the main two against me. There were others, most of which I have long since forgotten about. I remember one involved the New Orleans trip, which I don't think is fair because that falls under the "What happens in N'awlins..." clause.

    Renee - You are correct. Since at it's core, Festivus is dissident and unconventional, it may be celebrated on any day. They even say something about that in the extra features on the Seinfeld DVD's -- that Festivus can be celebrated any time of year.

    Cami - OK, you can borrow it, but don't lose it!

    Murf - Yeah, that's what I had been using -- a paper towel. It goes well with the paper plate I put under the Foreman grill. (I lost the fat-catching dish that came with it a long time ago.)

  8. "Ooo, that'd be perfect for Bone!" LOL! Thanks, Bone, for a year filled with heartwarming and hilarious posts. Your writing never fails to both entertain and move me...I look forward to many more blog posts from you in 2010. All the best to you! :~)

  9. You write the best blog posts. I lurk on many blogs but am never moved to comment. If everybody wrote like you I would never buy a book again

  10. I could see how someone would think the elephant spoon holder was perfect for you. You needed one and you are a Bama fan.

    One of these days, I will be in Alabama for the holidays and I will make it to a Festivus party. Naturally, that will be the year that only 3 people show up. :-)

    Happy New Year!!!

  11. Wow, I first thought it was some strange metal shrimp thingy. Elephant...yeah, *turn head to side* I see it.

    TSO, awesome! I expect a review.

  12. I have video footage of most of the airing of greivances I took with my iPhone. I should put that online somewhere you think?

  13. I would LOVE to have the spoon holder! It goes with all my other silver Alabama stuff! I'm pretty sure I can tell you where it came from too, but since I hope you "regift" it to your god-son's mom, I won't say! :)

  14. Sweetest In The Gale - Thank you for the wonderful compliment. I always enjoy your words, as well. You have a gift.

    noStrokes - Well, thank you. Though if everyone wrote like me, there'd only be blog posts once a week, so you'd still need books :)

    Xinh - I guess, but there was no way for this particular person to know I needed a spoon holder.

    Well, then you could still enjoy hanging out with me and the Darryls, because if only 3 people showed up, it'd be us 3 :)

    Happy New Year to you and Sharky.

    Kontan - Ooo, it does look like a shrimp! Good call.

    The J-Mo - Well, just so long as there is nothing on there that could incriminate anyone.

    Shelby - Who doesn't love a thingy, right?

    Ms. R - Well then, I bet I know what you're getting for Christmas next year!

  15. Oh, the Darryls! That would be a hoot!!

  16. And now I fully understand festivus!

    I'm a hermit too... self-confessed though which I find is a good way to avoid the grievances!

    Happy New Year!

  17. I am non-commital too!Sorry I couldn't commit to your invite to Festivus, I REALLY wanted to come, and I am sooo glad that it was great. Tonight is new year'e eve- I am kissing 2009 goodbye and like you - most of the time I choose hermit life to social life-but tonight I am going to dress up and get lost in a crowd and see what happens. Happy new year to you!

  18. A brass elephant? Too bad it's not white. I don't hear of too many brass elephant gift parties...

    My sister gave me a stone gargoyle one year. I had absolutely no idea what to do with it. So I 'accidentally' put it in her trunk when she left for school. Then it somehow ended up back in my room behind some picture frames when she came for a visit. Then it was tucked into her suitcase when she left.

    Guess what I got for Christmas again this year...

    Me thinks your brass elephant would be a perfect 'gift' to start randomly hiding at homes of others.

  19. One of our quirky holiday traditions is that we play bingo for presents. Once all the presents from the center have been taken, then you steal from others until the time runs out. They are always quirky things. This year I got a kitchen paring knife and a container of pecan crunch.

  20. Bone - I think my MIL must have accidently sent my gift to you. That looks like something she would send me. An elephant spoon holder...I can't even tell you how hard I laughed. AT first I thought it was a brooch.

    You did get some nice gifts, concert tickets no less. Hope you have a good USSR time.

    Have a wonderful NYE with a happy, healthy, fun-filled 2010.

  21. Elephants never forget, Bone. (Someone had to say it.) Glad Festivus was a good one.

    Happy New Year's Eve.

  22. Pretty fancy gift there--looking at it, I thought it had to be drug related. Just remember, hermits are people too, even though some can be crabs... Happy New Year!

  23. Now, that's a spoon holder! When I saw that picture, I immediately thought that it was perfect for you.

  24. I can't believe Sage has drug paraphernalia on his mind or even knows what that is (although obviously maybe he doesn't if he's confusing one with a spoon rest). 2010 is starting out GREAT! :-)

  25. Xinh - Oh you have no idea. Woflgang knows a lot of General Hospital history, old school stuff like Ned and Lois and Brenda and whatnot.

    J Adamthwaite - Eh, something tells me it wouldn't matter if I confessed to it, they'd still have grievances with me :)

    Happy New Year to you.

    Daily Panic - I like my socializing in small doses, and spaced out evenly :) Happy New Year!

    Charlotta - Oh, I like that idea. Much better than my idea of hiding it in the trash can.

    Ed - We play bingo at my Mom's side of the family gathering, too. Last year, someone bought a new bingo set with a little wheel that you crank that spits out the numbers. It was kinda like watching the old Illinois lottery drawing on WGN. Everyone was pretty excited about that.

    PennyCandy - I think my MIL must have accidently sent my gift to you.

    I think you may be right! If you would like to forward me your address, I will gladly correct the error :)

    I hope that you have a happy and healthy 2010, as well.

    MeeAugraphie - Well, I will probably never forget this gift, for what it's worth. Just like the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine candy holder which turns into a piggy bank from a few years back.

    Happy New Year to you.

    Sage - hermits are people too, even though some can be crabs

    Sounds like that belongs on a t-shirt somewhere, if it's not already.

    Happy New Year!

    Mama Zen - I immediately thought that it was perfect for you.

    Well, that makes two of you.

    Murf - Well, now that you mention it, there is a hole in one end. But I just figured that was so you could hang it on the wall or something.

  26. I don't think hermits have blogs....and that's a really weird spoon holder. I'm thinking it's drug paraphernalia. In that case, we're overdue to meet anyway....be there shortly.

  27. Ned and Lois were 90's---not old school by GH standards at all. You who grew up to GH should know that
    Working on your excuses? :)

  28. I forgot what else I was gonna say after I saw that wonderful spoon rest. Love it!! And I'm not afraid to admit it. Sounds like you had a most festive Festivus. Happy New Year! Now you can tell us what you did.

  29. 15! That's quite a group. Congrats on what appears to be a really fun party. My second chance party is this weekend. Can I expect you there??? Oh wait...it's only Tuesday. You can let me know Friday.

  30. I want the spoon rest. Love hermits,a m not fond of hermit crabs and am pretty sure I already posted a comment here.

    I want a fesitvus of my own now. It sound so...

    the truth is it sound so Bone but could sound so Cooper too.

    Happy New Year Bone.

  31. OMG somehow my invitation must have gotten lost in the mail!! hehehe

    It sounds like a blast... some thoughts:

    Next yr that new gal in the neighborhood might make it an even 8:8 if you play your cards right!=]

    The ashtray-spoon rest will be PERFECT for regifting! lol Orrrrr you can begin a 'White Elephant" (no I am not being sassy... its really called that!) and have everyone bring some gently used item to do an exchange with... You know the concept... one mans junk is anothers treasure...

    Ok as for Hermiting (is that a verb?) S T O P. Though its comfortable, it is, in the long run, counter productive. Dont make me come down there and smack you Bone! *wink