Wednesday, May 06, 2009

That time I almost went all the way

Yesterday was my six-year blogging anniversary, frequently referred to as a bloggiversary. I've never understood why my bloggiversary is so popular in certain regions of Mexico, but it is. No doubt they were partying last night in Puebla like it was 1862.

I got home from the beach Sunday evening, but it feels like my brain is still on vacation. Until it returns, I figured I would regale you with the tale of what went down (that means what happened) with the great head-shaving experiment of 2009.

I was chatting online with the female portion of Kywana on "the day." By the way, do you realize that instant messaging, text messaging, and email now compose approximately 70% of all my communication? The rest of the breakdown is: phone (25%), face-to-face (4%), all other communications, including telepathy (1%).

Anyway, after discussing the topic for awhile, she posed this question: "So are you going to shave it yourself?"

That prompted the following response from me: "Well, that's the other thing. Would you wanna shave me?"

It's safe to say that is the first time in my life I have ever uttered those words to a girl. (Or anyone, for that matter.) But as luck would have it, she agreed. Turns out that while 'Wana is not a professional cosmetologist, she does have previous head-shaving experience. Also, her sister attended cosmetology school, so that has to count for something, right?

Wheels were in motion. I was about to put my head in her hands. The only thing that could stop it at that point was me totally freaking out, which let's be honest, was still a decent possibility.

I showed up armed with every set of clippers I owned--which amounted to three--my trusty Mach 3 razor, and shaving cream. On the drive over, I had a lot of time to think about things. Things like hair, life, Andre Agassi, and what the heck was I doing. I had decided I'd get her to shave it with the #1 guard, which is the shortest, see how I liked that, and then decide if I wanted to go all the way.

After giving me one last chance to back out, she began. There was a brief moment of panic at one point as the clippers died when she was only about halfway done. Apparently, when the instructions say to charge them for at least ten hours before the initial use, you can't just arbitrarily substitute 45 minutes for ten hours.

The shaving process itself wasn't too bad. There was no mirror nearby so the only clue I had about how things were progressing was the looks on the faces of Kywana Jr. and the male portion of Kywana. I would describe them as looks of sympathetic bewilderment. I remember the words "don't look down" being uttered at some point, no doubt as to keep me from freaking out at the sight of my manly locks showering the floor.

As suddenly as it began, it was over.

Then came the hardest part for me--going into the bathroom to look at myself in the mirror. I covered my eyes, separating my fingers slowly to reveal what the clippers hath wrought. And you know what?

It was HORRIBLE!!!!! Noooooooooooooo!! Why?!?!?! Why did I do this?!?!?!

I'm kidding. It wasn't that bad at all. The only question now was whether to stop there or go all the way. I took a pic and sent it to my inner circle. Reaction was swift and decisive. My sister replied, "Oh, you really do look like Steve-O. Yeah, I think you should stop there." My Mom proclaimed, "Well, you'll never get married now. I still had a little hope before." Clearly, everyone was in agreement: it was a complete success.

So now, for the first time in the history of the internet, I am able to present for your enjoyment a freshly shorn (and somewhat tanned) Bone:

OK, so it's not the full Dalhausser. I didn't go all the way. In the head-shaving arena, this is known as third base. And I'm thinking I might stay here awhile.

"Way down south of the border. Way down Mexico way. They're having a big celebration. It's on the fifth of May..."


  1. Happy blogversary!
    Is the hairdo--or lack of--comfortable? That's so important. I think it looks swell!

  2. My gut reaction to your original question was spot on. It looks good! I like it. :)

  3. Bone Happy blogversary!
    Yeah no dents.
    It looks good it had my doubts so you can tell your Mom your chances of getting married are still good. Plus the ladies will just assume you wear a navy or army uniform. After the 3rd or 4th date you can tell them what you really do or don't do.

  4. I'm glad you liked it! I would have hated for you to be mad at me for agreeing to shave it! I'm also glad that you took my sunblock advice and didn't use SPF 8 on your freshly shaven head while at the beach!

  5. happy bloggaversary. We really have to come to an agreement on how to spell bloggerversary.

    It looks quite nice.....sophisticated. A good thing too that you found it acceptable. Had you hated it your communication with the world would have probably been 100% via electronic means for the foreseeable future.

    Hope you enjoyed your beach break.

  6. Actonbell - It is very comfortable. It's cooler. And I'm noticing things I rarely noticed before, like gentle breezes and other guys with shaven heads.

    R8chel - Thank you! I still don't know why your other male friend got a thumbs down, though, and I got a "Go for it!" :)

    PennyCandy - Aww, thank you. Speaking of the army, don't tell anyone but to help me get through the process, I sort of imagined I was Elvis getting shaved for the army.

    Mrs. R - Oh, I wouldn't have been mad at you. Unless you had gapped me or something :)

    Yeah, I was careful with it. Some SPF 30, some SPF 15, and I wore a hat part of the time, too.

    Cooper - Yes, we do. We should form a committee or something. I tend to go with the bloggi- prefix because it seems closest to anni- to me.

    Haha, you're probably right about that. And let's face it, I'm headed in that direction anyway. No need to hurry the progression. Or regression. Whichever.

  7. Happy Bloggiversary (spelled like whatever!)

    I'm suprised that it doesn't look half bad. The question is: "What did the girls at the beach think?" Were you turning heads and picking up digits or no go?

  8. I give myself a #1 each weekend. The back is a little tricky, but it's pretty easy once you get the hang of it. And if you like it that short you will need to trim it literally every weekend. If you don't, you start to look like a toilet brush, and you probably want to avoid that look.

  9. I'm low-maintenance! However, with two pieces of hardware installed in my skull, my head's a little too lumpy. I hope I never have to be bald!
    You carry it off quite well. I'm so honored that you shared a picture!

  10. I think you look FAB!!!!

  11. I truly enjoyed the commentary regarding your communication as of late. I feel the exact same way, except for instant messaging. I don't know why I can't get into that.

    It seems your friend did an awesome job on your hair. I really do think it suits you and your personality (personality being that which I can garner from reading your posts). Your mother's comment about you not getting married now made me literally laugh out loud as my mother told me the same thing when I chopped my hair short. Oh Moms...

  12. Happy Blogversary!

    I'm sure you still have a chance for marriage. Tell your mom to calm down. HA!

  13. I like the haircut. I'm sure there is a girl out there that will marry you- In fact, I think one of my friends has a blog crush on you ;) I'm sure she would be thrilled to see you do some excercises- if that is your new pick up line, it would work for her! So tell your mom not to give up hope! happy blogversary!

  14. Oh man, I laughed and laughed reading this post. Another Bone classic.

    I can't believe your Mom! Wow. On the bright side - it is the bright side, right? - she's still talking to you. Guess she couldn't go through with kicking you out of the fam either. Maybe saying that was her version of third base?

    Hope you had a wonderful bloggiversary: six years. Wowzers. No wonder you took the day off blogging for it ;)

    (Daily Panic: surely he can come up with better lines than a 4-year-old...right?)

  15. Happy bloggiversary. i hope in six more years your blog is an appendage to a column but that's just me

    Knew your mother would talk to you and after she recovers from the shock might even like it

    Hope you had a wonderful time

  16. Wow, you did it! And you included a photo! Happy blog anniversary, Bone.

  17. Happy blogversary!! Six years, really? I just passed my 4 years mark. Anyway, enough about ME...hey, honestly, you look great with the buzzed head. My partner has his clipped super close, and it's just so much easier to take care of. Nice to get out of the shower and just wipe off, right? Cool beans, dude.

  18. Renee - "I'm suprised that it doesn't look half bad."

    LOL That's one of the nicest things you've ever said to me ;)

    Well, to be honest, it did seem like more girls were talking to me at the beach. Or maybe I was just imagining things.

    Capn John - Thanks for the tip. I do like it this short, so I think I shall be going for the weekly #1 cut. For awhile, anyway.

    Jennifer - Yes! It is very low-mai. Now I just shower and go. As opposed to my previous routine of shower, brush my hair for ten seconds, then go.

    Xinh - Thank you! :)

    Marina - I definitely think it looks more like a "Bone" than my previous 'do.

    Yeah, I've had two other people tell me similar things about their mothers. What is it with moms and hair?

    OK Chick - Thank you. She's calmed down a lot. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be.

    Daily Panic - Thanks :) Haha, yes! "Wanna see how I exercise?" Augh! I should have used that line while I was at the beach!

    TC - Yeah, I think I'm still in the family, for now. My sister says Nephew Bone has to have his uncle anyway.

    Thanks. And um, as I've said before, that line is better than anything I have in my repertoire. Out of the mouths of babes...

    Pia - Thank you. Well, as I always say, one can never have too many appendages.

    Sage - Was there ever any doubt?! OK, so there was a ton of doubt.


    Sean P. - Thank you! Yes, it is so nice just to towel off and go. Less shampoo, too. Out of habit, I packed my hair brush for the beach before realizing I didn't need it.

  19. Look at the bright still have your personality! JK!!!! You look Fabulous! Can't wait to see you take it all off! LOL

  20. I think this works; it's a good look. And thanks for posting a photograph. Much more fun that way!

    And third base can be fun for a while, right?

  21. You are being featured on Five Star Friday!

  22. Happy Blogaversary!

    The hair looks good - good decision!

  23. I like it! You're loving the quicker showers, aren't ya?

    I shave Big A's head...not with a straight edge but with clippers. I'm more trustworthy with the latter.

  24. you're adorable bone ...with or without! great post!
    ( i needed a memory of a seinfeld episode recently in a post! I wondered..where is bone when I need him? Shaving his head just NEVER came to mind!)

  25. Bone- I still can't e-mail you... check this out and if you can leave a comment on my proposal:

  26. Update! I demand an update! :)

  27. ok so my mind was sooooo in the gutter reading this. I apologize! lol

    You still look cute as ever. In the photo it looks like its all gone... is there a fraction of an inch left or something? lol

    You didnt look like a light bulb either and, if I read this correctly this happened AFTER the beach! Your;re lucky! lol That would have been a hoot if you were all white on top and tan elsewhere! hehehe

    Loved your family comments! lol

    Happy Anniversary

  28. 27 comments...
    You are a bit of a phenomenon.

    I love your shaved head. Someday, you should let me shave it.

    Happy blogiversary. I was still in the womb when you started blogging...

    (p.s. I blogged. Pick your chin up off the floor.)

  29. Was that your face I saw on the back of the milk carton @ Wal-Mart today? Hope all is well with you....the Bone Community misses you. Thank goodness for archives! :-)

  30. Missy's World - Look at the bright still have your personality!

    Haha. That made me laugh out loud. Thanks.

    Ally - Thank you. Yes, I have no problem spending some time at third.

    Schmutzie - Wow! Very cool. Thanks for letting me know.

    J Adamthwaite - Thank you.

    Murf - You're loving the quicker showers, aren't ya?How'd you know? Yes, they're great!

    Lucy - Thank you. I was a little nervous about your reaction. Sorry I missed the Seinfeld question. In the future, consider my email address your personal 24 hour Seinfeld hotline.

    Daily Panic - Well, hopefully we've got all that straightened out now :)

    OKChick - Thanks. I needed someone to motivate me to post.

    Helene - Aww, thanks! Yep, there's still a fraction of an inch left, though it's hard to see from that far away. There's another pic on my Facebook.

    Blondie - Eh, this is just proof that if you leave a post up long enough, it will eventually get 30 comments.

    You can shave me anytime. I'm struggling doing the back, so I'm always looking for volunteers.

    Missy's World - I know. Sorry I was AWOL for a week.

  31. Sorry I'm late to the party/commenting...the haircut looks great! I hope you continue to like it.

    Happy Bloggerversary!

    If 70% of your communication is by text, email, etc why aren't you on Twitter? Or, are you and I haven't heard yet? :-)