Monday, January 26, 2009

Fresh blog posts while you wait

Some men are inspired by nature. Some are inspired by women. A few--OK, one--is inspired by fast food establishments. And that man is me.

How else can one explain blog entries about a certain unappreciated dollar tip at Sonic, not picking up a girl at Hardees, and the KFC high talker? Perhaps it's because eating out and going to the grocery store comprise about ninety percent of my interaction with the outside world. Or maybe it's because... well, actually, it's probably that ninety percent thing.

Speaking of the high talker, I got him again last week. No sooner had I ordered my delicious lemon parfait than I started thinking that lilting, high-pitched voice sounded familiar. Sure enough, it was him. So that's three trips, and I've called him ma'am every time. If I ever become famous, I'm hiring him as my personal assistant. It's the only way to ever assuage my guilt.

Yesterday I found myself inspired again, this time by Subway. Normally at the drive thru, they take your order, get your money, give your change, then go and make your sandwich. After a couple of minutes, they return with your sandwich, and I usually try to say something cool like, "Jared! Holla!" as I pull away.

Well, the drive thru attendant yesterday seemed like she was newish. She took my order but didn't take my money, just went to make my sandwich. While she was gone, I started thinking about what if she never asks for my money.

That led to me composing an entire blog post in my head about how this must be one way Obama is trying to stimulate the economy and help people out. It's called Pay-Is-Optional Fast Food. If you want to pay, you can. But if you don't feel like you can afford it, just take your sandwich and the government will subsidize Subway later.

It all seemed hilarious as I was sitting there waiting on my six inch Subway club on wheat. (Now? Not so much.) I smiled at my own genius, already picturing the Jared "Yes We Can" ad campaign, and was excited about coming home and blogging it. Then the girl came back to the window, took my money and gave me my sandwich, basically ruining my entire story... and possibly our nation's economic future.

I come up with all these brilliant ideas. But when I try and put them into action, these fast food attendants don't seem to want to cooperate. It can be quite vexing, as you might imagine.

So I guess the bottom line is nothing really happened at Subway yesterday. Unless you count what went on inside my head.

"Life moved and I stopped to taste it. I drank it up 'til it left me wasted. But my rains have bled a softer red. Oh, you should see the world inside my head..."


  1. I'm glad to know that someone else writes blog entries in their head.

    You have Subways with drive thrus? Just this weekend I was wondering why they don't have such things. There are none that I know of in the mitten state.

  2. I love your blog!! You are so amusing!

    ps I'm so going to go and get Push It now - thanks for reminding me!

  3. I usually try to say something cool like, "Jared! Holla!" as I pull away.

    You don't really do that, right? Right???

    I, like Murf, am perplexed by this drive thru at Subway thing. Wow. We need some of those up here, you know, where it actually gets cold in winter months.

    Maybe you should try cooking at home more and writing some blog posts there? I'd be interested to hear about your conversations with yourself...and how your own "service" compares to that of the fast food restaurants you currently frequent. You know... do you hinder your own blog posts and stuff :)

  4. Perhaps it's because eating out and going to the grocery store comprise about ninety percent of my interaction with the outside world

    Me thinks this is very good for your writing

    I always write blog posts and articles in my head. It's called being a writer

  5. Murf - I guess I just assumed all Subways had drive-thrus. Of course, the ordering apparatus has never worked properly. So you have to pull all the way up to the window to order, which kinda slows things down if there's a line.

    Purpleronnie - You are so amusing!

    Thanks! And don't worry, I've been told that wears off after a couple of months :)

    TC - I've blogged about cooking before. There was the wax paper does not go in the oven lesson, the picture of my spinach tortellini, and who can forget the Red Baron pizza/burning dish towel incident of 2005.

    Second of all, it was like 35 here the other day. Brrrr! Of course, it's 60 right now...

    Pia - Oh, thank goodness. I thought I might have some issues. Whew! :)

  6. We have at least one Subway with a drive thru here, but most are walk-in only. And I think the main reason for that is the holding up the line while making the sandwiches. Cuz no matter how often you say it... "Serenity Now!" doesn't work. ;)
    I think the reason this gal threw you off with the collecting the money AFTER making the sandwich is to save her from having to wash her hands. She takes your order, makes the sandwich, takes your money...then washes! If she does it the other way she would have to take your order, take your money, Wash hands, make sandwich and then have to wash again cuz her hands now have sandwich on them.

    If I think too much about this hand washing thing...I'm going to have to start eating ONLY at home. :p When I worked in restaurants in the north we had to attend a class given by the state to make sure we knew to wash our hands and why...but even there I don't think it helped any.

  7. Thank God you write down what's going on inside your's brilliant! I'm laughing out loud right this second. Now I need to go read your blog post about the KFC guy... :P

  8. um, there's a drive thru Subway!? surely you jest! this seems far to easy. part of the "hey, I'm healthy and I eat at Subway" appeal is that you have to get out of your car. I am perplexed. and a little jealous.

  9. Seriously Subway has drive thru windows? All the Subways or just one that you go to? I have never seen a Subway drive thru that's part of the reason I don't go there well that and they are not very creative if you are vegetarian. Even when you think you don't have a story you have a story.

    I agree with what TC said about you cooking and writing about it. If you do not know how to cook you could take classes and write about those as well.

  10. KFC delicious lemon parfait... that's the funniest in your posts.
    But oh, you're serious, right?
    Sorry man...

    Not only does Murf also write blog posts in her brain, she use to always keep us posted about a particular Wendy's guy

  11. Renee - Good point about the hand washing. I should also mention that I never get mustard on my sandwich there. I add my own when I get home. BYOM. I need mustard. Dijon. Not that yellow stuff.

    If I think too much about hand washing, I would never do anything, anywhere, with anyone.

    Fledgling - Aww, thank you :) Promise you won't think any less of me after reading about the KFC guy. That is a wrong that I have yet to right. Write, yes. Right, no.

    Cami - Would I jest on this blog? OK, so I would. But not about the Subway drive-thrus.

    PennyCandy - The only two I go to very often have drive-thrus. There is another one located inside a gas station, so I don't think it has a drive-thru.

    Oh, I cook. Here's a picture of my creamy spinach tortellini.

    Sage - That is one of my favorite fast food desserts, whatever that's saying. Unfortunately, it has 410 calories and 15 grams of fat, so I can only eat it on special occasions. Let's just call that one my Inauguration celebration parfait.

    Well, this Murf character is getting more interesting all the time.

  12. In Manhattan none of the Subways are drive thru. First noticed them in Brooklyn and thought they were a city chain. I'm very naive

    There's a stand alone Subway here and I can't remember whether it's drive in or not. Most fast food places are

    However I'm pretty sure the Subway in Walmart isn't drive thru :)

  13. God, I would LOVE it if there were a drive through Subway around here!!!

    I usually have blog entries in my head that then vacate the brain once new information comes in. Apparently, I don't have room in the brain for blog entries.

  14. Just passing back through to give you a 'high' five on the KFC guy write...that was hilarious. LOL :P

  15. I would never trust a Subway Drive-Thru because you cannot monitor your order, so until you unwrap your sandwich you cannot be positive your "6-inch Roast Turkey on Wheat with everything but onions" doesn't have onions on it.

    My FFFD = KFC's Apple Turnovers.

    Just like the McDonald's variety they're also 2 for $1, but are hands down the better pie.

  16. Ah...the Wendy's guy....

  17. Hey, I want a drive thru Subway!

  18. Pia - Well, I can see that in Manhattan with so few people driving.

    Oh, that's right. One of the Wal-Mart's around here used to have a Subway. But I think it went out of business. The Subway, not Wal-Mart.

    Xinh - I've dreamt blog entries before. Really brilliant, funny ones. And in my sleep I'm really excited about posting them. Then I wake up and can't remember what they were.

    Fledgling Poet - Thanks. It was bittersweet. One day I will call him sir.

    Capn John - First of all, I didn't know anything was 2 for $1 at KFC. I usually have to sell something on eBay just to go there. I haven't tried their apple turnovers.

    I should come up with my FFFD Top 5.

    Murf - "Memories. Misty, water-colored..." Actually, make that "Frosty, water colored memories."

    Mama Zen - Visit for franchise opportunities in your area.

  19. Good move. If I'm correct, I think Misties are Dairy Queen products. There's no mixing of Wendys and DQ.

    Curse you and your fast food entry!

  20. SOOO while I was reading this post a Subway commerical came on the radio. No joke! It was the $5 footlong song. HA! ANYWAY, I love that you had high talker once again and still didn't address him right. Geez Bone, the guy probably hates your guts! And do you really say "Jarod Holla" when you leave Subway? AND my last point...your Subway has a drive-thru. SHUT UP! We don't have that here in OK. Really, no Subway has a drive-thru.

  21. I'm a six-inch-club-on-wheat kinda girl too. Good stuff. And we don't have a drive through either...I am insanely jealous!

  22. Murf - That's interesting. DQ used to be my old hangout. I went out with three girls who worked there. (But none of them were named Misty.) Hmm, maybe I'll write about that someday.

    OKChick - There's a five dollar footlong song? I don't think I've heard this.

    Yes, we have a drive-thru Subway. But until I wrote this post I had no idea just what a luxury that apparently is.

    Jennifer - Yep. Sometimes I splurge and get the Italian herbs & cheese bread. But usually stick with the wheat.