Friday, August 01, 2008

Car Wash: The Remake

Today on IYROOBTY, we are proud to announce a modern-day, updated version of a true cult classic, Car Wash. Keen observers and film aficionados may notice a few inconsistencies between the new version of Car Wash and the original. This can mostly be attributed to the fact that I never watched the whole movie.

Really, this is more like a mime version of the original. It stars, coincidentally, a guy named Bone, and naturally, a car wash. The setting is on or about July the thirtieth, two thousand and eight. Here's a brief summary, or a lengthy detailed description. Whichever.

Act The First:

Our star, Bone, is driving around with bugs on his car, a not uncommon human dilemma. He has waited patiently for three days hoping for rain to come and wash the bugs away, but the land remains dry and dusty. Tired of public ridicule and people writing "wash me" on his vehicle, our star decides to take action. The express drive thru car wash is already closed for the evening, so he pulls into the self-service car wash, thinking he'll spray off the car for a temporary fix. (Yes, you can tell what he's thinking by his miming. He's really good.)

Act The Second:

This scene begins with a wide angle view of the car wash, which shows someone washing another car in an adjacent bay. There has been speculation that this someone is one of the original members of Rose Royce, but at this time, that is still unconfirmed. The camera then pans to a close up of the control box and a sign that reads: "$1.50 to start. Extra quarters mean extra time. Quarters must be deposited before time expires."

Our hero (notice how our star has now become our hero) then retreats to his vehicle where he opens the top of a container, revealing a hidden treasure of quarters, dimes, nickels, pennies, and napkins. And not just any quarters, but new ones like Oklahoma and New Mexico. (NOTE: Despite an internet leak, this is not the story's climax.)

Our hero deposits nine quarters into the slot, figuring that will give him ample time to spray off the car. After soaping and rinsing the entire car with the super high powered jet sprayer, and in the process speeding up the onset of carpal tunnel syndrome by one thousand percent, our hero discovers that the machine is still running. The camera pans to the foam brush across the bay.

Act The Third:

Still in the car wash, our hero flips the knob to "foam brush" and a hot pink--how shall I describe this--well, foam starts coming out in clumps. In a flash, Bone rushes over and begins to cover the car in pink foamy goodness.

Unfortunately, there is no "time remaining" indicator. Somehow our hero senses his time may be short--not on this Earth, just in the car wash. So he returns to the vessel of loose change, retrieving three more quarters. He deposits them into the slot, but it is too late. The car wash has stopped.

Distraught but not defeated, our star--who was once compared to a young Danny Glover--returns yet again to the vessel of loose change. Using his lone superpower--ability to solve simple math problems without the use of pen and paper--he figures it will require three more quarters in addition to the three he has already deposited to start the car wash again. He has figured correctly.

A thorough foaming is followed by more high powered rinsing and carpal tunnel acceleration. This is definitely the action scene, which includes frequent splattering of the pink foam onto our hero's otherwise manly ensemble of distressed slightly below the knee cargo khaki shorts, bright orange and white fitted striped polo, and American Eagle flip flops. (Can you say endorsement deal?)

Act The Fourth:

Still at the car wash, rinsing is almost complete when the not unthinkable happens. The time has expired again. It is here where our hero appears to yell something. However, to preserve the integrity of the mime performance, this audio has been omitted. It is unclear what he says, but in this instant he appears to be less than enamored with the vehicle cleansing contraption.

And here we have the great conflict in our story. There is still foam on the grill of the car, as well as part of the hood and front quarter panels. Our hero grapples with the decision of whether to spend $1.50 more, or whether to drive out of the car wash looking like an idiot with pink foam covering the front of his car.

Deciding his twelve bits can be put to better use someplace else, our hero devises a plan. He will try and drive really fast on the way home in hopes the suds will blow off his car. This leads us to the requisite car chase scene. Except it's not really a chase. Just a single car race. Against normal human behavior and common sense.

I Plead The Fifth:

Our final act opens with our hero arriving home. He gets out of the car and walks to the front, appearing both hesitant and anxious to see if his plan has worked.

It has not.

Whether foiled by the 30 mph speed limit or the fact that it was only a four block drive from the car wash home, it is unclear. Our hero is once again down. The pink foam still clinging to the front serves as a sudsy reminder of his latest setback.

Displaying amazing resilience, learned from losing thirty consecutive games of Othello online, this modern-day MacGyver comes up with one final plan. He goes inside and soon returns to the parking lot with a pitcher full of water.

Our final scene shows our hero standing in the parking lot of his apartment complex at 8:30 in the evening pouring a pitcher of water over his car, gracefully and successfully washing away the remaining pink foam. Twelve bits none the poorer.

Who's the idiot now.

"Let me tell you it's always cool. And the boss don't mind sometimes if ya act the fool..."


  1. I'm first. Again. Oh the pressure

    I think I like your version of Car Wash better than the original. This is because I never saw any of the original movie

    This is an only Bone could do a post like this and have me laughing out loud

    A young Danny Glover? I can think of a few scenes in Lethal Weapon that you might not want to be compared to--then again :)

    The buildup to your arrival home and what you did next was priceless. Can't put a quarter price tag on it

  2. ah...this is the main reason that you need a wife. See if you had a wife she could have sat by the control box with the quarters and deposited them as needed so that you did not run out of time before you were finished. How do I have this great knowledge? Because it has been my job many times to man the control box...and risk entering a wet t-shirt contest because of someone being silly.

  3. I think anytime the word "mime" or any version there of is mentioned so many times in one post, it is only natural that readers feel a bit cheated when they reach the end only to find out that, no, there really is no video of this ... heroic endeavor.

    I have a friend who thinks she is really funny, and never understands why I do not ever laugh at her jokes. Maybe she should start reading you, and then she'd figure out what funny really is. Hilarious.

  4. ah, I could never be a hand model. I was a poor southern child...born into slavery, because that's the only reason my parents had children.

  5. What kind of hero doesn't have ESPV, or Extra-Sensitive Peripheral Vision?

    That would have allowed our Hero to wash his vehicle while simultaneously keeping an eye on the timer. All good Heroes can do things simultaneously, such as fighting bad guys, displaying the gymnastic prowess of Brian Meeker while they simultaneously conduct a stand-up routine that could be used to open a Seinfeld episode.

    Wait a minute! I think I understand! Other than the snippet in Act The Second, there was very little mention made of the washer in the adjacent bay, but it can only have been our Hero's arch-nemesis, correct? The evil villain must have been secretly testing his latest anti-Hero weapon ...which robbed our hero of his ESPV!!!

    That's brilliant! Bone, you're a genius!

  6. and the moral of the story is,, if you only live four short blocks away,, just lather her up good for $1.50 and then fly home for the free rinse.....

  7. Bwahhhhhhh!

    Totally missed you during my hatching season. Awesome story. I'm afraid in my laziness, I would have encouraged spending the twelve bits. Lately even, I've been spending a 10 spot on the automatic jobby with the air dryer.

  8. All day yesterday a certain 9 year old BEGGED me to drive thru the car wash. You know, the $5 one with the free vacuums? I never made it over there, but the car REALLY needs it. Your little bugs are nothing compared to all the gunk on ours due to our trip through the drive thru zoo on Thursday. She is so embarrassed by all the dirt that she even asked me to hand wash it. YEAH RIGHT! At 9 mths pregnant??? NO WAY! Maybe she and Mr R will get around to it this weekend.

  9. I will have to say that I was really hoping for an video insert of the car wash scene in Cool Hand Luke (where the girl gets all wet while the guys on the chain gang watch with their tongues dragging)...

    But instead, I learn how Bone baptized his car in an apartment parking lot. Did you make the sign of the cross, while mumbling in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost? And just what did the neighbors think of this sacrament, you have the makings here of another story.

    Nicely done, btw!

  10. Pia - That's OK. Depending on how tonight goes, I'm thinking of remaking Saturday Night Fever :)

    Priceless, you say? I think there's a Master Card commercial in there somewhere.

    Thank you.

    Renee - I'm not sure that's the main reason I need a wife.

    Or maybe it is :)

    Someone - Thanks. I have a friend like that, too. I sometimes affectionately refer to him as Dad.

    Capn John - Oh, great. Now you've spoiled the entire movie for everyone. May as well go ahead and tell them about the Kim Cattrall cameo, too.

    (Actually, there wasn't a timer. See Act The Third, paragraph B. And thanks for introducing me to Brian Meeker. I had to google him. Apparently, the guy's a legend.)

    Paisley - Exactly! No machine is going to outsmart me. Well, except for the computer player on online Othello.

    Sylvia - You hatched? Congratulations! Glad you made it back in time for this epic tale of... something.

    Mrs. R - Yeah, I'm all about the five dollar car wash. Unfortunately, it was already closed on this evening.

    You couldn't make it over there? What exactly do you do all day? ;)

    Sage - Thanks. I was just hoping no neighbors were watching. I'm sure I'll find out during my weekly "grievances against you" conversation with the landlord.

    Good call on the Cool Hand Luke. Here ya go

  11. oh I hate those self-serve car wash places. So many quarters many unnecessary showers.

  12. I truly thought Rose Royce was going to have to rescue the hero Bone by providing quarters for lesser change, though I so hoped McGuyver Bone would avoid that. It was a more debonair Bone, one who obviously had the forethought to replace the beer or flowers that had previously resided in the pitcher before de-foaming his car. The pitcher was a clue to a future remake, right?

  13. I was at a car wash a few years ago rushing against time to get the car sprayed, soaped, and rinsed before my time expired. From the corner of my eye, I noticed a lady approaching. She had several dimes and wanted to exchange them for quarters. Thankfully I had placed a huge pile of quarters on the machine so I could add time as needed and was able to give change quickly. ...but try to exchange coins while holding a high pressure hose... not the easiest task.

  14. Bone, this story is hilarious. I haven't been to a self serve car wash in years. But, if I ever use one again I will remember this story. Pia's right you can't put a quarter price tag on this one. Have a nice day.

  15. What would Sonny Corinthos have done?