Sunday, December 23, 2007

Pseudo live blogging from Wal-Mart

9:03 PM: I have arrived at Wal-Mart. Also known as THE Wal-Mart, Wally World, Wal-Marts, and Purgatory.

9:04 PM: That greeter didn't greet me. What are they paying her for? I mean, really. You have like one task... greeter! I remember when that title used to mean something. I should've said something. Larry David would have said something.

9:05 PM: Off to the DVD's to look for workout videos.

9:15 PM: After searching thru electronics for ten minutes and almost buying the Barry Manilow Christmas album, I am told the workout DVD's are in sporting goods.

9:15:05 PM: What? Hey, "Mandy" is a darn good song! Lay off me.

9:15:15 PM: No, my parents don't know I celebrate Festivus. And yes, I fear their reaction should they ever find out.

9:15:30 PM: Leaving electronics, I see Garth Brooks' Ultimate Hits is only $13. Hmm, do I know anyone who would want that? I can't think of anyone. Maybe I should get it anyway. You know, one of those gifts you buy and decide who to give it to later. Those always mean the most. 34 songs for $13. You can't pass that up. It's like a two dollar t-shirt.

9:17 PM: In sporting goods now. They have exactly three workout videos. Not three different kinds. Three total boxes. One Taebo and two others.

9:19 PM: Browsing the golf stuff. I'll be back with you in a bit.

9:34 PM: You know, if that guy grew a moustache and lost like a hundred pounds, he'd look exactly like Tom Selleck. Well, Magnum P.I. anyway.

9:35 PM: On my way to the tools.

9:36:30 PM: Risk! (Sorry, I got sidetracked in toys.) "The game of world domination, played by two guys who can barely run their own lives." I always quote that Seinfeld line everytime I see a Risk game. I never had Risk, but always wanted it. I always wanted Jenga, too.

9:37 PM: Remember that Brady Bunch episode where they built a house of cards? "Watch your bracelet, Marcia!"

9:38 PM: My Little Pony is back?

9:38:05 PM: My Little Pony is forty bucks! Thank goodness for Santa Claus.

9:40 PM: You know, I would still play with Legos if it were socially acceptable. Or, if the top of this box wasn't strapped down.

9:42 PM: In tools now. They're right next to the toys. The logic behind that eludes me.

9:45 PM: Calling Dad to see if he needs any tools. You know, just as a general conversation starter. Not that I'm going to buy whatever he mentions and give it to him for Christmas or anything.

9:45:30 PM: Dad can't think of any tools he needs.

9:46 PM: Augh! That PA system is L-O-U-D! You can't even talk on your cell phone in here with that thing blaring. Automotive, code white? What kind of encoded propaganda is that? I'm tuning it out.

9:47 PM: Singing "Carol of the Bells" to myself. "Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells, dum duh duh dum, ding dong mmm k. Ding-dong! Ding-dong!"

9:50 PM: I've found myself on an aisle with no apparent theme. There are seemingly misplaced toys on one side and little gift sets of cheap cologne on the other.

9:50:10 PM: Strike "cheap" from that last statement. The jury will disregard. Since when is Brut $9.24?! It used to be like three bucks. Did Brut get some sort of minor celebrity endorsement that I wasn't aware of? Maybe like Tom Green or Alyssa Milano or someone?

9:50:30 PM: Thinking of Brut slogans in my head. "Hi, I'm Tom Green. If there's one thing I know better than bad movies, it's bad cologne."

9:51 PM: Actually, I kinda like Brut.

9:51:05 PM: I kinda like Alyssa Milano, too.

9:52 PM: On my way to housewares. Is that even a department? I'm just making these names up as I go.

9:52:30 PM: That guy just blocked me in! Look out, I'm taking the back aisle all the way down. Clear!

9:53 PM: The back, or outer, aisle is almost always the smoothest way around a crowded store. Sure, it's longer distance-wise, but there's much less traffic, or danger, if you will. Think of it like this. You're a CTU agent and Jack Bauer has just told you to set up a perimeter. The outer aisle is this perimeter. Well, that's how I think of it anyway.

9:54 PM: Some woman working in the floral section just smiled and said hi. Am I supposed to know her, or is she just an overly friendly Wal-Mart associate?

9:58 PM: I somehow wound up on the greeting card aisle. This lady is putting out cards in the section I need to get to.

9:58:15 PM: I begin to sing the "Dead, Dead, Dead" song from the South Park Christmas CD, hoping to frighten her away. "Dead, dead, dead. Someday we'll be dead. Dead, dead, dead. Someday we'll all be dead."

9:59 PM: It doesn't seem to be working.

10:22 PM: Most of the rest of the trip is uneventful. I make a beeline for the checkout. Leaving Wal-Mart kinda feels like escaping from prison to me. And if I don't hurry, the guards will hit me with falling prices from the watchtower and I'll be sentenced to another hour and lose even more money.

10:23 PM: The checkout lines aren't bad at all. I'm second in line.

10:27 PM: This appears to be the first time the cashier has ever seen the electronic price scanner. She scans at least six of my items twice, double charging me. She keeps having to go back and void the extras. Meanwhile, I'm having to watch the screen like a hawk.

10:31 PM: As I'm leaving, the worker standing by the door--I refuse to call her a greeter any longer--is peering into my buggy and remarks, "That's a big thermos you got there." I'm momentarily confused. As she draws nearer, she says, "Oh that's not a thermos. That's some sort of... well, I don't know what that is."

It's my pink yoga mat. Just greet, lady.

"Eight table dancers, seven packs of Redman, six cans of Spam, five flannel shirts..."


  1. How, in the name of all that's Christmasy, did you manage to make a trip to Wal-Mart interesting, nay, strike that, instead we'll go with enjoyable?!?!? Purgatory is right. We call it Hell-Mart here.

    You actually made me want to go to Wal-Mart. And, maybe, blog my own internal monologue as I traverse the store.

    Sir Bone, is there anything you can't make hilarious?

  2. Wait a greeter at Wal Mart's can greet at the end of the trip?

    Loved how you showed the thought process of Bone at an almost Christmas Eve trip to Wal Mart. Good for the Book of Bone :)

    Wal Mart can never be Purgatory. You don't know NY stores

    Mandy is a nice song but have you noticed how Barry Manilow morphed into Rod Stewart on the picture in his last CD? Rod Stewart isn't somebody to morph into.

    Larry David wouldn't know Wal Mart

    You're never going to break it to your parents that you celebrate Festivus? Is that like converting?

  3. You are soooooo funny.

    I've avoided Christmas shopping this year. It was easy. It's called "Joint Credit Credit" and "Seventeen Year-Old Daughter." Here's how it's done. She has no money. I have no time. She has a joint credit card but knows she dies if she uses it "for no good reason" so she calls "Mom, what are you giving so and so Christmas?" Me: I don't know. It's not Christmas Eve yet. She says, "Mom, they have this BOGO free at the mall. What do you say WE give so and so an XYZ?" Me: Then what do we do with free one? Daughter, graciously, "I could make room for it in my closet." This is her approach for female items. For male items, it's similar. "Mom, what are you giving so-and-so?" Then the BOGO goes, "What if WE give one to ABC and one to XYZ and then we have both of them covered, and because you've saved so much money, you can let me have LMNOP?"

    Twisted logic, yes, but I didn't have to hit a single mall, and she did do a great job selecting gifts for everyone (and she bought me some great clothes, too. We're the same size, so I even saved myself the agony of the dressing room mirrors.).

    Merry Christmas, Glorious Festivus and Happy New Year!

  4. I'm WORKING there this've made it sound much more interesting than it actually is!! ;)

  5. you are a hoot bone... well not really a hoot bone.. i mean if there was a hoot bone,,, well.. oh never mind... merry christmas!!!!

  6. too funny!

    You know, if you buy a good set of in-ear headphones and take your iPod you don't even notice the PA system or screaming children. :)

  7. Lillith: You actually made me want to go to Wal-Mart.

    Well, for that, I apologize.

    Actually, ABC has contacted me about trying to make Pushing Daisies interesting. Can't do it.

    Pia: Apparently, greeters can greet you coming in or on the way out. I guess it's the retail version of a Sadie Hawkins dance, greeter's choice.

    Larry David wouldn't know Wal Mart

    Probably not. But if he did, and that happened, he would have said something.

    Gay: Thanks.

    We're the same size, so I even saved myself the agony of the dressing room mirrors.

    Sounds like a pretty sweet deal you've got going out there :) Merry Christmas and a glorious Festivus to you, as well.

    Jennifer: Wow, I had no idea. Had much business lately? :)

    Paisley: Is that like a hootenanny? :) Thanks. Merry Christmas to you!

    Kontan: Ha. Thanks for the tip.

  8. Uh what's wrong with Pushing Daisies? Almost all my friends watch it. I DVR it and tell them I'm going to have a marathon

  9. I really enjoyed shopping with you. That was fun...reminded me of a show I used to watch & love on TV...a show about nothing. LOL!

    Sorry that you didn't get greeted...that's a bummer. Marcus ALWAYS greets me at my WallyWorld. He's a good guy.

    So you bought the Barry Manalow? I should get one for my Mom...she's such a HUGE fan. Barry is one of her 7...ya know the list that they talked about on Friends?

  10. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. That's really (almost) all I have to say.

    Barry Manilow? Um, Bone, just give it up... the man card that is. General Hospital was bad enough but seriously... :)

    Some woman working in the floral section just smiled and said hi. Am I supposed to know her, or is she just an overly friendly Wal-Mart associate?

    My hunch is she thought you were cute and was trying to see what your response was... guess that shows what you know ;-)

  11. We went to Walmart today only to realize the one thing I bought twenty minutes elsewhere would have been 2 dollars cheaper at Walmart, only to then remember I had a 50 percent off coupon wasting away in the car for the place I had bought it, so basically I messed up all the way around... That and we listened to a greeter vs mad incoming woman argument, as we checked out... the woman won, though she was wrong...

    Nowhere near as fascinating as your trip... Maybe this should be a new side meme for you to sponsor. A different chain store each month...

    Happy Days!

  12. Merry Christmas Bone! Glad I found "if you only read one blog this year".

  13. Bone, just wanted to come by and wish you a very Merry Christmas!! You're in my thoughts today...I hope you're having a wonderful holiday!
    And I have a few grievances...did I miss the Festivus party? ;)

  14. Merry Christmas my favorite
    Tee. Hope it's wonderful

    You put the idea of me being a Wal Mart greeter in my head so uh.

    I was going to email a list of grievances all doing with my apartment, mostly, but my desktop wasn't working and my laptop crashed

  15. Pia: Oh, I thought you were serious for a moment. Whew.

    Wait, are you serious? Maybe I should have used Men In Trees instead.

    Renee: Odd that anything I write would resemble some show about nothing :)

    You know your greeter by name. You must be a regular.

    TC: I said I almost bought it. I didn't. It was a joke. I didn't even think about buying it.


    Marcia: Shopping with Bone, a regular feature? Hmm, that could work.

    Charlotta-love: Merry Christmas to you! IYROOBTY is glad you found it as well.

    Jennifer: Thanks, and a very Merry Christmas to you! You know, I had the thought of an online Airing of Grievances last year, seems like. I really should do an online Festivus. I'll try and remember next year.

    Pia: Merry Christmas, 'tor. You should look into that in South Carolina. Could possibly start the first Wal-Mart Greeter blog.

  16. I said I say I'm going to have a Pushing Daisies marathon, and have the episodes to prove it. Doesn't mean I'm actually going to have one unless I'm gagged and bound--and then you would probably demand pictures....

    Yes a Wal Mart greeter blog could be quite interesting--considering I never was in one until last June+

  17. uh that was me--the computer belched

  18. Your blog may have hated me for a few minutes, but I'm stubborn. I figure you can never say feliz navidad too many times :)

    Hope you had a wonderful holiday and received all the gifts you were hoping for - and some you weren't, like being extra thankful for family and friends.

    Feliz Navidad, SeƱor Bone.

  19. First of all, I can't believe you actually went to a retail establishment 2 days before Christmas. That's just insanity. But I'm glad you survived and were able to give us this adventure.

  20. This just sounds like a mall in India at any given time!

    BTW, You have been chosen to do a hoopla

  21. as a last minute Christmas shopper, I feel your pain. I'm not real big into worrying about the end time prophercies and about when Jesus will return, but I keep hoping for it to be right before Christmas, after everyone in the world but me has done their shopping. Another disappointing year. I had to run around getting gifts after all. Maybe I should be Orthodox, they don't celebrate Christmas till January, making the best out of the after-holiday sales.

    Oh, one more thing in my rather theological comment, Walmart ain't purgatory, it's hell!

  22. oh you covered it all :) thank goodness i dont need to shop for xmas...hope everyone liked their gifts... never seen a pink yoga mat..really? :)

  23. LOL...thanks for the laughs! *big smile*

  24. Bone, I am not sure why I cant seem to post this link on to 3WW...
    I tried yesterday and failed, same thing this morning.

    anyway thought I would update you,

  25. Sorry the southern girl hiding deep within me couldn't resist finishing this line for you...
    four big mud tires, three shotgun shells, two huntin' dogs, and some parts to a mustang GT!

  26. Great post, Bone! Our Wal-Mart has a greeter at the front of the store and she actually greets you. She even speaks to you going out, too.

    If you have the chance, stop by "shades of mj" for something of a late Christmas. Have a nice day.

  27. What?!? No anger? No frustration? No complete and utter disgust for the human race? I'm shocked and amazed!

  28. Wally World! I haven't heard that one.
    I have lots of workout videos, but since the instructors become annoying after the fifth time, I've stopped using them. It's a good excuse, anyway.
    Over at Old Hoss's blog, last year, I think, he posted a toy parody of My Little Pony--it was My Little Pony Glue Factory. I got so sick of seeing those stupid toys at work that I really thought that someone should market that idea--too many ponies at home? Put them in this nifty blender, and out comes something you'll really like!

    My yoga mat has become a urine-shield for a bit of carpet that my cat won't leave alone. Good times.

    I hope you had a wonderful Festivus!!

  29. oh my god that was funny!!! lol wow!

  30. You just reminded me of why I go to WalMart exactly once a year.

    The last time I was there the 90 year old greeter appeared to either be in a deep nap or dead--I'm going to go with nap.

    The whole Garth Brooks cd for someone at a later time--I must protest. For years I've been that person in my brother's life and I've ended up with the DVD's from the $5 bin (such cinematic classics as "First Wives Club" and "Heart and Souls") It sucks. I'd rather have the cd of that horrible song "Mandy"...

  31. You know, they call it Purgatory for a reason.

    Just saying.

    Hope you had a fabulous holiday!


  32. Braving the aisles of Wal-Mart a mere 48 hours before Christmas?!?! How did you ever escape unscathed?

    Please admit to us that you had feelings of anger and resentment and a few "If I had less friends and treated my family a little worse, I wouldn't have to be here - ohhhh, good plan for next year!" moments. :)

  33. Did you know that, legally, you don't have to stop to let them search thru your bags? It's something like letting the policeman in without a warrant.

    Just an FYI.

    Love this post! You're hilarious.

  34. funny Funny FUNNY post. I wrote about you today in my year end post. happy new year's eve :)

  35. Stopping by again to wish you a Happy New Year.

  36. Rabbit,rabbit, Happy New YEar!

  37. Happy New Year Bone! I hope things are going well for you.

  38. Happy New Year psuedo blogger.

  39. You are a funny, funny man.
    I'm sure you know this but appreciation mst be shown.
    Happy New Year.
    And lay off Tom Selleck. He is the only poster I had on my ceiling as a teenager..or currently for that matter.

  40. You and Nick could totally hang out for a night in WalMart. I got a $50 Wally World gift card as an end-of-year 'bonus' from work. When I told Nick, he did a dance. For the gift card. Next post: WWNnBB@WM450$ (What would Nick & Bone buy at WalMart for $50...)

  41. I dispise Wal-Mart. As Lillith said, it's called Hell-Mart. *shudders*

  42. in and out in 1.5 hours... impressive! lol

    Wondering what you were doing with a pink yoga mat big guy! *wink

    I havent been to a Walmart in a while... Target is my fav!