Monday, December 10, 2007

Bone's 3rd Annual Festivus For The Rest Of Us

I've written quite a bit about Festivus on this blog. Well over twenty posts make mention of the F word, with several of those dedicated solely to that greatest of all non-religious, non-commercialized holidays. So when you do a google search for "festivus traditions" guess what comes up #2, right behind Wikipedia?

That's right, friends. Me. Number two! Behind my beloved Wikipedia! Do you realize what this means? Well, neither do I. But rest assured if I figure out what it means that I will take whatever it means very seriously. I can only hope I have made Frank Costanza very proud.

With that being said, the day is fast approaching. I sent out my Evites today. Bone's 3rd Annual Festivus For The Rest Of Us Shindig, Banquet, and General Gathering Of Discomfited Individuals will be held Saturday, December 22nd, at 6 PM. And you're all invited!

Sequels often leave something to be desired. But hopefully, this one will be kinda like Friday the 13th, Part 3, except without all the violence. Or the brief nudity. Or the hockey mask.

Don't worry about bringing anything, either. Though I will need one of you to be in charge of coats. (No "man furs" please.) And I'll need someone else to stand by Gabe Kaplan's tank and make sure no one taps on it.

I might also recommend that you have some sort of signal in case you get into a bad conversation with someone. Head patting is good. Although personally, I prefer the slightly more subtle chicken wing.

So many great memories have already been made during the first two Festivus celebrations, most occurring during the Airing of Grievances. Like last year, when Lil Bootay said she didn't like Three Word Wednesday.

My response? "Oh yeah? Well, the jerkstore called. They're running outta YOU!" OK, so I didn't really say that. I didn't think of it until after everyone had left. But that line would've really smoked her! Don't you think?

Again this year, I'm planning to serve pizza for the Festivus Dinner. We'll watch "The Strike" episode of Seinfeld. And of course, we'll have the Festivus Pole and the Feats of Strength. All the usual Festivus Traditions you've come to know and love.

Although due to an obscure city ordinance, there'll be no cockfighting this year. So we'll have to think of something else for the Feats Of Strength.

And now I leave you with one of the memories burned into our brains from last Festivus. And don't worry, the party wasn't this wild the whole night. People were just hopped up on Twix and black and white cookies at the time.

The lyrics for "Silver Pole" written by Bone. Music by Jay Livingston and Ray Evans. Proceeds from Festivus will benefit Kramerica Industries: A solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a live chicken. And the Human Fund: Money for people.

"All these worksheets, grievance worksheets, lined with blanks yet to fill. In the air there's a feeling of terseness..."


  1. I'm certain this is the year I'll make it!

  2. I can't wait. Do you have the grievances worksheets available for us?

    Should I bring some Koogle (I don't know how to spell it or make it...but I thought I would offer.) Maybe Frank wants to bring that...but he might get upset if someone chokes.

  3. someone on that video has a great voice!

    i love festivus!

  4. Wow Bone second behind Wiki

    Black & White cookies? You have them? They should never be eaten outside of the five boroughs

  5. OK Chick: Mmhmm. I hear that every year. Next year, I'm sending you an UNvitation :)

    Renee: Oh, of course. As I've become somewhat of a Festivus veteran, I've discovered that the Airing Of Grievances is really the heart of Festivus.

    I don't know how to spell it, either. But if you could bring some Postum, that'd be great. I can't figure out why Postum isn't more popular. It's underrated.

    Sizzle: Really? I was mostly just disturbed by the movements of whoever that is standing up :)

    Happy Festivus.

    Pia: OK, no not really. We had to make do with Twix and Junior Mints. Could you have some shipped here?

  6. If I am invited, please send me return tickets..

    *hastily beating a retreat*

  7. And all this time I've been celebrating it on 12/23!

  8. One of these years, I'll make it back to my folks' place for Christmas and I will attend the Festivus celebration.

  9. You know Bone, I have a grievance to air with you.

    You tell us all that you sent out your Evites to festivus... and then tack on an "oh and you're all invited."

    Uh huh, that's like saying to people, "I'm getting married and we sent out 300 invitations but you weren't worth inviting - you can give us a gift if you want though."

    Of course, if you buy the cheap invitations, someone's gonna end up dead and there won't be a wedding anyway.

    I've decided that Festivus is going to become my holiday of choice. I don't seem to have the Christmas spirit, so I think I'll hang with the Costanzas.

  10. P.S. Minus the tinsel around the doorway, I think you'd be right on with no distracting decorations for Festivus. White your favorite color?

  11. Gautami: You are invited. But I'm sorry, you'll have to pay your own way. I'm spending all my money on the pizza :)

    Why are you retreating? Is it the cockfighting, or was it the singing?

    Cube: Maybe I should call it a Festivus Eve party? I figure everyone will be spending the 23rd at home, announcing all the ways their family has disappointed them over the past year.

    Celebrating on the Monday after the weekend is also allowed.

    Xinh: Well, you better hurry. I'll probably only be doing Festivus for the next twenty or thirty years :)

    TC: I've decided that Festivus is going to become my holiday of choice. I don't seem to have the Christmas spirit, so I think I'll hang with the Costanzas.

    I think that would be a wise choice.

    And sorry, but you're only allowed to air your grievances during the Airing of Grievances. Please strike from the record :)

    Augh, I meant to take that down before Festivus. I find tinsel distracting :)

  12. Fine, then I'm gonna need directions. Even if I'm showing up uninvited.

  13. Postum was my father's drink. People (his entire extended family) made a lot of fun of him but he stuck to it

  14. Friday the 13th, Part 3, except without all the violence. Or the brief nudity. Or the hockey mask.

    Break the news:what will be left? Not that I'm asking for anything! No, no, no.

    Is the Festivus Pole that thing you wanted to get satellite reception with? If it works, it might be worth celebrating:)

    Great song! A+ for enthusiasm.

  15. I loved the video! I just watched "The Strike" episode for the very first time a few weeks ago.

  16. Congrats, Bone. That is quite an honor. As he reigning undisputed Google King of e-bigamy, I tip my hat to you. As someone who endures the harsh reality of Festivus on yearly basis, I appreciate you getting the word out. Keep up the good work.

  17. TC: Actually, just call my place. I'll have someone stationed by the phone to give directions :)

    Pia: I've never actually had any, but it was mentioned on an episode of Seinfeld :) Wikipedia says they recently discontinued Postum.

    Hotpinksox: I assume you're talking about the song :)

    Actonbell: Umm. Well, I guess all that leaves are the boring in between scenes and lots of screaming :)

    Well, that's my second Festivus Pole, for now. I MacGyver'd the first out of a Christmas tree stand and a shower curtain rod.

    Krista: Thanks! I'm sure this post makes much more sense if you've actually seen that episode :)

    Herb Urban: Wow. You really are the undisputed Google king of e-bigamy. It's just nice to be known for something, isn't it?

    By the way, didn't you used to have a Frank Costanza as your profile image? Or was it that guy from King Of Queens?

  18. (No "man furs" please.) *sigh* You take the fun out of everything. How about Mansierres; may we bring those?

    Festivus can't be Festivus without a Mansierre.

    And shame on Lil Bootay for not loving 3WW! :) She's allowed to love/hate it, but there's gotta be some love there.

  19. Ah Bone, now you make me wanna host my own Festivus...quite a few grievances to hand-out to friends and family... and what better way to do it and be done with it...thank you. Happy Festivus, I will be there in spirit for sure ;) Thank you.


  20. For the Feats of Strength you could let the weenies thumb wrestle, and the brawny ones roll huge boulders around their heads like the Basques do. Or they could throw medicine balls at each other till one of them drops.

  21. interstellarlass12/12/2007 10:57:00 AM

    LOL. You crack me up. Happy Festivus!

  22. I was getting some picture developed yesterday and the lady in front of me was talking about her Festivus party later on in the evening. I smiled. I love that show!

    Good thing you are serving pizza instead of shrimp. 'cus then I'd have to say, "Hey Bone. The ocean called..."

  23. Bone,

    I just discovered I am atop the Google search list on the subject of "taint chafing". If you want to boot me out of the 3WW club, I'll understand.


    You are so darn creative.... I love "Silver Pole". I had a smile across my face the entire time I was listening to the "concert".

    Thanks for the giggle!

  25. Actually, just call my place. I'll have someone stationed by the phone to give directions

    Puh-lease. You expect me to buy that? 8-) Toss in a halo and some ocean front property while you're at it.


    Especially as I'm finding it easy to come up with grievances today. Like... December is half over and 80's week of November never appeared *er* I hope you're leaving plenty of time for this airing of grievances, Bone. Have I ever mentioned I like to make lists? O:)

  26. I'm totally confused. Will you be showing up wrapped up in a bow again this year?

  27. UGH! I WANNA GO!
    Can't wait for another video, though.

    Oh, and I did google "festivus traditions", and you were right (not that I doubted you!)

  28. crap. i would love to join the festivus celebrations but i live in christmas-ville.