Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Grillmaster B

"And so, in honor of the laborer, we do hereby create Labor Day. It shall be a day of rest, upon which the laborer may eat, watch TV, and nap liberally and unashamedly." ~ An unknown 21st Century blogger

I hope you all had a wonderful Labor Day. My day began at the crack of 11:45 AM, with the first order of business being grill assembly. Well, actually the first order of the day was eating a toaster strudel, followed by the second order of the day, showering. But you get the idea.

Once I unpacked the grill and unfolded the instructions, I saw that there were no words, just pictures. Tiny diagrams filled with numbers, dotted lines, and arrows. It looked like a cross between a blueprint and a rebus.

Assaying the situation, I knew that what I had hoped to be a late lunch was most likely going to turn into supper. Or at the very least, lupper. It was an accurate assumption on my part.

The grill was completed around 2:00. It felt good to have assembled something and for once in my life not have any parts or pieces left over. I feel things like this prepare me for when I begin to replenish the Earth with my seed and have to assemble things like cribs, swingsets, and diapers.

Now that the grill was standing on four legs and did not appear as if it was going to fall, it was time to put on my proverbial chef's hat and begin my transformation to Grillmaster B (not to be confused with Grandmaster B, Thighmaster B, or Bed Wetter B).

Every man believes he has an innate and extraordinary talent for grilling, that within each of us lies an ability to achieve pyro-culinary greatness. And I am no different.

There seem to be fewer opportunities in this day and age for a man to find his inner caveman, but grilling is one of those. There is something inherently manly about cooking over an open fire. Something very primitive about providing food for the entire cave.

Standing there yesterday donning my khaki Gilligan hat, wielding a set of tongs in one hand and wearing a decorative pot holder on the other, I can honestly say that I've rarely felt more like a man.

For yesterday, I grilled.

Then I napped.

I am man. Hear me snore.

"And as I think back, makes me wonder how the smell from a grill could spark up nostalgia..."

29 comments:

  1. Where to start? I could just recopy the whole post That said:
    I feel things like this prepare me for when I begin to replenish the Earth with my seed and have to assemble things like cribs, swingsets, and diapers.
    I don't know whether this is one of the funniest things I have ever read or the sickest

    I'm proud to know a man who says the above, I think

    Prouder that you admit that grilling and napping make you a man. Prouder in the sense that I don't have to think about being proud

    And thanks for the toaster strudel, shower and yes I get the idea...

    Maybe I should stop blogging and just comment :)

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  2. Lucky you. I wish assembling a grill was the most work I did all weekend. Alas, maybe I'll get a day off next Labor Day.

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  3. you must have played with Lego's when you were younger. They never had words on their instructions. Glad you had a nice Labor Day. Posts on my adventures coming soon!

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  4. All of your posts have made me laugh, but few have produced a laughter as deep, long and side clutching as this one.

    Dear sweet Lord in Heaven. Help me. I'm with Pia on this one, I could recopy the entire post. However, I'll settle for this:

    Standing there yesterday donning my khaki Gilligan hat, wielding a set of tongs in one hand and wearing a decorative pot holder on the other, I can honestly say that I've rarely felt more like a man.

    Please, oh please, tell us that the pot holder (oven mitt, what have you) had flowers on it of some kind. I'm picturing something akin to the fabric of your "free couch." Pastelly, with lace edging. A hand me down from Mom or Dear Aunt Edna.

    Hope you enjoyed your Lupper, Sir Bone! :)

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  5. ROFL! *wiping eyes*

    Geez Bone, you have a way of painting a very vivid picture, "donning my khaki Gilligan hat, wielding a set of tongs in one hand and wearing a decorative pot holder on the other, I can honestly say that I've rarely felt more like a man."

    I will let you in on a little secret Bone - women love men who can grill. *wink*

    Keep up the good work, dude!

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  6. Anything grilled sounds yummy about now. I'm starving!

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  7. ... and he had fire and it was good. The tribe gathered round and he spoketh!

    "Let's eat!"

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  8. When we presented my daddy with a set of grill tools for his birthday in April, he proudly said, "Nothing makes a man feel like a real man so much as cooking a big piece of meat". This must go way back to caveman times.
    I wish, wish, wish that someone had a photograph of you in the Gilligan hat and the potholder...you stud!
    This post reminds me that I'd better go start supper. It's my turn to man the grill tonight...say a quick prayer that the house doesn't go up in flames...had an unfortunate flare-up last time i grilled that left me somewhat intimidated!!

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  9. Oh man, you are something else. I am guessing you would get along the males that live in my house. We grill all summer and the Husband does most of it. And, my 14 yo is very proud of his man-smell.
    Both of them are adept in the napping an snoring dept.

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  10. Good one! heh
    I napped a lot. It's called "one too many beers."

    Rebus instructions--interesting. One of the professors I knew in college actually had a collection of instructions. Some of them were quite funny (bad), but none of them were wordless!

    Glad you had a good day:)

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  11. I like the rebus page! Back when I worked with youngin's, we sometimes used rebus-type clues to get across the idea of reading from L to R, etc. Fun stuff.

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  12. Pia: I'm proud to know a man who says the above, I think

    I think it's a good thing you qualified that statement with "I think." :)

    Well, I could have gone into a bit more detail. I have a hard time determining the line that divides which thoughts to post and which to keep to myself.

    Lass: Well, that was just my Monday. Friday, I took out the trash.

    Charlotta-love: No, only when I was at my cousin's house. Legos were too expensive. They're like twelve cents per block or something!

    Avery Laine: Well thank you. And please for future reference, no one recopy my entire post :)

    I have no comment on the colors or design of the pot holder. You now have permission to unclutch your side.

    Write From Karen: Aha! I knew it! See? This is how it works. I share a man secret with you, like all men believe they have some extraordinary talent for grilling. Then you share a secret with me, like women love men who can grill ;)

    Kerry: I agree. I'm starving, too. That lupper left me with no supper, so I'm like half a meal behind, or something.

    Brian: Exactly. It's like: Food all gone. Me sleep now.

    Jennifer: Hear ye, hear ye! Another caveman grill testimonial! I'll try to remember to take a pic the next time I wear the hat. Good luck grilling :)

    Nancy: Yes, yes, we would get along well. It's all about finding those inherent man things we have in common. Or something.

    Actonbell: That rebus page was hard! I tried a couple. It wasn't happening. I'm sure with practice, I could get a little better, hopefully.

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  13. I was a working on Labor Day, but I did eat a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner, which is better than no grill at all.

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  14. Bone- you are a most excellent man and griller of food :)
    And you will be an awesome dad one day :)

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  15. I LOVE to grill. We'd get along great...after we stopped fighting over who gets to use the grill first.

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  16. i suck at grilling. i need to find me a grilling man.

    man, i could use a nap.

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  17. ah there was the error of my Labor Day. I did the grilling instead of DH!

    I should make him fire up the grill and do the cooking next time. Shoot, I better hurry before grilling season is over here. We've gotta hurry and get the garage cleaned out so there's room for the grill and the patio furniture. *sigh*

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  18. GirlFPS: Aww, sorry you had to work. But grilled cheese is always good :)

    Mayden: That's so very nice of you to say :) I hope so.

    Jen: I'm sorry, but do you have a Gilligan hat? Then I get the grill first :)

    Sizzle: I can always use a nap. Like, right now, I'm trying to remember a time in my past when I couldn't have used a nap, and I can't.

    Renee: Yeah, it won't be long. I guess we've got another good six weeks or so of good grilling weather.

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  19. toaster strudel.. you are such a batchlor!hehehe I actually was surprised you showered b4 coffee!

    Great job with the grill... i agree too about it being a guy thing. I cook all the time... (cooking is one thing I do well) but I dont go near the grill. Not that I dont enjoy grilled food (I even prepare the food for the grill with fancy rubs etc) but I just dont ever cook there. if theres not a MAN for the job then it goes on the stove or in the oven! lol

    You are interesting Bone... You have all these manly man things that you do... but have a soft side that you show too (I would have said femine side but thats like calling your underware panties) Its a really good thing btw... unusual, but good! =]

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  20. It is a sad state of affairs that you think, "there seem to be fewer opportunities in this day and age for a man to find his inner caveman."

    I can think of quite a few I'd like to see -- and a few I wouldn't.

    And you don't need to comment on the potholder, just post a wordless picture of it.

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  21. There is something inherently manly about cooking over an open fire.

    Ummmmm, so what's that say about me, who also spent Labor Day cooking for friends... on the grill? O:)

    Congrats on successfully putting together the grill! Now that's something to be proud of! :-)

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  22. You boys and your toys... Did you really need instructions to assemble a grill? Griff complained about me not letting him grill, so I let him grill the pork tenderloin Monday all by himself... Then when he wasn't looking I shoved it in the oven for an additional 10 mins to finish cooking. You can get worms from under cooked pork you know... Poor guy I am terrible

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  23. Great post--this is funny, but please, keep your snoring down!

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  24. actually, I think grills were designed by women to get men to cook--and gas grills (I hate the things) are like having a JenAir instilled on the patio--we have one (which appeared when I was away on a trip) and it doesn't get used much because I refuse to use it and the whole idea of grilling is to get men to wear aprons out of the kitchen where we can do less damage.

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  25. Kate: So I'm unusual? Umm, thanks, I think. And I think strudel is a German delicacy, or something O:)

    Marcia: Some posts really do call for pictures, and this was probably one of them.

    TC: Yes, please refer to me from now on as Bone, Grill Assembler. Kind of has a Walker, Texas Ranger, feel to it.

    Melanie: Ooo, you are so sneaky! Poor guy. No worries here though. Everything is well done. This is the South, after all.

    Sage: I don't like gas grills, either. Gotta be charcoal! Very curious how it appeared while you were away on a trip, though :) Does that kind of thing happen often?

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  26. I was going to comment on my favorite funny parts, but there were too many of them -- I would've had to just copy and paste the whole thing. Bone, thank you for making me laugh every time I visit your blog...you boost my spirits with every post! :~)

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  27. LOL always a laugh!

    Djembe put our new grill together a few weeks ago. I have no patience for that sort of thing. Definitely a man job!

    We have moved into the world of gas grilling. (Oh the horror!) I have been opposed for years, but since I'm not the grill master it doesn't matter. The food is still awesome and I haven't missed the charcoal...Jem has talent! :) LOL

    Enjoy your new grill, may you grill long and tasty!

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  28. "I am man, hear me snore" Love it!!

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  29. Fledgling Poet: Well, thank you for the kind words. I'm glad I can bring some laughter to your day :)

    Kontan: Thanks. Gas grills are OK, but it's kinda like cooking in an oven to me. They are convenient, though.

    Arlene: Thank you. Long time, no see you around.

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