Man disillusioned to find out not everything about stripper is real

 (Courtesy of fakeonion.net)

Anderson, IN ~ A 43-year-old Indiana man says he is now "questioning everything" after finding out his favorite stripper, K8ie Texxass, has been using a stage name.  Danny Money, who says he is a risk management analyst from nearby Indianapolis, has been coming to The Pole Barn gentleman's club for the better part of two decades.

"I've never had anything like this happen," a still shaken Money said before rattling off a list of his previous favorites.  "I mean, Honey Wails, Misty Reign, Lauren Boobert -- they were real.  Nothing about them was fake.  You felt like you knew these girls.  You became friends with them.  At least until they graduated college or... got remarried."

Money reportedly made the discovery when the stripper's ID fell out of her purse.  "Yeah, it just fell right out!  I definitely wasn't looking through her purse or anything."

When asked if the exotic spelling of the name didn't give him pause, Money shrugged, "I figured it was like a self-fulfilling prophecy or something."

Now he knows "K8ie Texxass" is really Brooke Delashaw.  "And she ain't even from Texas," complained Money. "She's from flippin' Muncie!"

When reached for comment, Ms. Delashaw said she no longer works for the club, stating she quit due to "that creepy guy who kept telling me he was Eddie Money's brother and he wanted to take me home tonight.  Is that supposed to impress me?  Who the heck is Eddie Money"!

Money later told us he was unsure if he'd even continue coming to the club every Thursday night.  However, it appears he may have just been letting off a little steam, as a witness claims to have seen him the very next week at the nearby A&W, getting change for a twenty.  

Meantime, another dancer at The Pole Barn, Jill Lishous, reports that Money had only very recently started casting suspicious glances in her direction.

Editor's Note: After a quick search of credit card receipts and social media accounts, it was determined that Danny Money's real name is Edward Quattlebaum.  He is a painter apprentice, from Markleville,

Woman sort of looks for owner of lost Father's Day gift

(This is my latest submission for FakeOnion.com)
 

Just another Sunday turned into anything but for Davenport, Iowa, waitress Jodi Chestnut on Father's Day. 

As Chestnut was picking up her tip from a table at the Davenport Denny's, she noticed a gift bag left behind by her customers.  She knew right away what it was.

"It was a family of four," she told local Fox affiliate KIOA-TV.  "They ordered three Grand Slams and a Cali Jack Turkey Burger with a side of ranch."

When asked by one reporter, "Could you please get to the point, I have to cover the ribbon cutting for the new dog park at 10?" she continued.

"Oh, right!  I saw the son hand the dad a gift card to Home Depot, unwrapped.  That went in his pocket right away.  Then the daughter (who 'looked to be in her early twenties' and was wearing 'this super adorbs top that I'm pretty sure is from the J-Lo line') had gotten him the cutest tie. There was purple in it.  And orange.  And little monkeys on it.  And it was in this gift bag."

Chestnut went on to say the family paid with cash so there was no credit card or check from which to gather an ID. After asking "the couple at table four" if they knew the owners of the gift bag, she says she placed it in the restaurant's lost and found box, thinking surely someone would call about it. 

But no one did.

"I remember the mother saying something about 'let's go, my Hallmark movie starts in half an hour.'  They all got up and started for the door. The dad was the last one at the table.  He dropped a couple of ones for a tip, picked up the gift bag, looked around the restaurant, then he sat the bag back down, sort of over behind our stand-up dessert menu."

Nearly three days after the event, Chestnut was trying to chalk it all up to being "a dad thing."

"You know how dads are.  I'm pretty sure my Dad has lost half the presents I've given him over the years.  I got him a matching wool scarf and hat set for Christmas three years ago.  I've never seen him in it."

Still, the 31-year-old says it's the first time anyone has left behind a Father's Day present in all her four years of waitressing.

"I mean, people have left purses.  Sunglasses.  (They've) even forgotten kids.  But never a Father's Day present.  It's heartbreaking.  This gift represents a daughter's love for her father.  Someone put a lot of thought into that."

A recent survey by the Center for Really Awful Presents (CRAP) said Americans spend, on average, 6-and-a-half minutes selecting their Father's Day gifts.

At press time, the tie was still lying unclaimed in the Denny's lost and found next to a lime green fanny pack and a pocket-sized Gideons New Testament.  However, one of Chestnut's co-workers, a woman named Ruth, had taken the gift bag to use for an upcoming Bar Mitzvah.

UPDATE: The lime green fanny pack belongs to Martha, who works the register on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays, day shift.  And turns out the Denny's doesn't even have a lost and found, just "a box where workers sometimes keep things."  This according to "Big Ron," a cook who was taking a smoke break out back.

"Don't call what you're wearing an outfit / Don't ever say your car is broke / Don't worry about losing your accent / A Southern man tells better jokes..."

Rochester Woman Announces Retirement from Candy Crush

(This is the third article from/for my yet-to-be-established website, FakeOnion.com.)

Citing a fractured family life, general malaise, and the fact she doesn't even know the name of The Bachelor this season, Rochester's Anita Lyfe announced her retirement from the popular Facebook game, Candy Crush Saga, on Tuesday.

According to one co-worker, Lyfe had just completed level 417 when she put down her iPhone and said simply, "No mas."

When reached for comment, Lyfe deadpanned, "There's only so much jelly one person can clear." 

Asked later what she planned to do with the ten to twelve hours per day she spent playing Candy Crush Saga, the mother of two said she didn't really have any plans.  "I haven't thought that far ahead, to be honest.  Obviously, I need to catch up on The Bachelor.  And I guess I could try talking to uh, what's his name, my husband.  Or finding out what's going on with my kids in school."

When informed her oldest child had graduated from school last year, Lyfe appeared confused, as if she didn't quite understand the words that were being spoken.  And if only for that instant, some say she became an almost sympathetic figure.

As for a possible comeback, Lyfe didn't completely rule out the notion, saying only, "I mean, you never say never.  But right now, I don't care if I ever see another green Chiclet thingy, grape hexagon, or blue ball in my life!"

Lyfe also revealed she thinks she may have the beginning stages of carpal tunnel syndrome.  "Best I can tell from the WebMD symptom checker, it's either that, shingles, or osteomyelitis, whatever THAT is.  So I'm going with carpal tunnel."

The money they will save from in-app purchases will more than pay for her carpal tunnel treatment, according to Anita's husband, F. M. Lyfe.

"Sugar, ah, honey honey / You are my candy girl / And you got me wanting you..."

Man discovers innovative new way to improve life, career, relationships

(This is my second post for FakeOnion.com, a website that exists only in my mind.)

Harry Pitts has lived much of his life like most people -- giving effort only when it is absolutely required, and not really caring all that much otherwise.

But recently, Harry discovered what he says could be the secret to life -- trying.

"I've found that by actually trying, you can often do amazing things."

Pitts, 47, said the discovery hit him like a ton of bricks.

"I was home alone one day, and the heat didn't seem to be working.  So I was going to check the furnace, but dad has like a ton of bricks stacked in the basement, so I couldn't get to it.  Normally, I would have just waited for him or mom to get home, but I was cold.  So I told myself, I can move these bricks.  And golly gee, one by one, I did!"

Did he fix the heater?

"Well, no.  I'm not even sure that was the furnace I was looking at, but that's beside the point."

Though no scientific proof exists, Pitts claims his groundbreaking idea works in virtually all phases of life.

"Weight loss, career, you name it.  Even relationships.  Heck, I have a girlfriend for the first time in twelve years, all because I decided to walk up to a girl and ask her out."

Sound too good to be true?  Well, it just may be.

"There is but one downfall to my program.  Trying, as it turns out, takes quite a lot of effort.  So it may not be for everyone.  For example, now my girlfriend wants me to buy her gifts for certain occasions, and like, think of things for us to do all on my own!  She even suggested I move out of my parents' house.  I was like, 'Whoa, let's not get crazy here.  Don't you think we're moving a little too fast?'"

While it remains to be seen if trying is sustainable, brief spurts of effort do seem to help a little.  Keep in mind the sample size is very small, and trying may lead to other unwanted and unforeseen consequences, such as added responsibility and worst of all, expectations.

So for now, try at your own risk.

"I turned my microwave on and I cooked my chicken ravioli / The last ten years of my life I've been feeling kind of lonely..."

Man perplexed by friends' lack of Zynga games activity

(Source: FakeOnion.com)

Mr. Cy Berstocker thinks he has uncovered something quite alarming about the world in which we live.  After suffering through a two-hour-plus period of a workday during which none of his friends played a single move in Words With Friends, the Alabama man began to wonder what was happening.

"I've got forty-seven games of Words With Friends currently in progress," Berstocker confessed as he showed off his sparkling career 25.1 points-per-word average.  "Now, I could see twelve or fifteen of these people having plans or just getting sick of playing, and losing.  Maybe even twenty or thirty.  But every single one?  It didn't seem likely."

That's when Berstocker began reading the premillennial book series, Left Behind.

"I'd always heard of the rapture, and I figured this might be it.  I remember those books being out so I picked one up and started reading.  Well, I probably don't have to tell you, it was pretty boring.  So I only got to page four.  That's when I decided something even more disturbing might be going on."

His hypothesis?  People at work, were actually working!

"I know it seems unlikely, but that's all I can come up with.  Look at this.  Normally, by this time of day my battery power is down to twenty or thirty percent.  Today?  Seventy-eight percent.  Meanwhile, I've been nudging people left and right, like an extroverted goat.  It's like a Twilight Zone where the protagonist wakes up and goes to work.  He's still goofing off, but suddenly everyone else is doing actual work.  It's freaking me out, man."

For now, Berstocker mostly sits and stares at his iPhone, pondering things like whether he has enough chip clips for all his potato chips, and maybe someday interacting with another human face-to-face.

Pulling down and releasing the screen every few seconds to refresh.

Hoping, praying, for any sign of life.

"Now I'm looking to the sky to save me / Looking for a sign of life / Looking for something to help me burn out bright..."