Monday, September 08, 2014

Doctor-patient confidential

Setting: Examination room in a doctor's office, aka the smaller waiting room after the first waiting room.  Planet: Earth, most likely.  Date: Circa 21st Century in the year of our Lord.

A child in a man's body sits on the butcher paper, awaiting his fate, admiring the walls...

This is a nice color.  Sort of a Kelly green.  Pleasant.  Non-jarring.  Very well-painted, too.  Absolutely no bleed-over onto the door frame.  Clearly done by a professional.  No one like me could've painted this.  Oh God, is this what home ownership does to a person?  The doctor will be here soon.  Should I take off my pants, or do I wait for him to tell me?  I can't remember.  I better take 'em off, just to be safe.  No wait, that's at the masseuse where you take off your...

"Oh, hi doc."

"How are ya?"  Why are this guy's pants unbuckled?  Every day it's weirdos around here.  I should've just done like my mother wanted, and been a classical pianist.

"Doing OK."  Pretty sure I'm dying.  Please help me.  Please.

"So what seems to be the problem?"  Yeah, pianist.  For Elise versus examining someone's goiter.  What the hell was I thinking?

I just told the lady that brought me in here.  Did she not tell you?  What was that all for?  Wait a second, does she even work here???

"Well, let's have a look."  I'll stick this thing in his ear, use my trusty stethoscope, and maybe bang on his knee with this little hammer I got down at the Walgreens so he'll think I know what I'm talking about. Ankle bone's connected to the shin bone, shin bone's connected to the knee bone, the knee bone's connected to the... hmm... now what was the knee bone connected to?  I always forget that one!  "Well, that all looks fine. How long has this been bothering you?"

"Four or five days, I guess."  STILL with the stethoscope???  They were using those on Little House on the Prairie.  Have we not advanced beyond this?  And what's he doing on that laptop?  Probably on WebMD or something.

"Let me just make some notes here."  Double-you, double-you, double-you, dot, web-emm-dee, dot com....  Symptom checker, click... Hmm... Oh man, this doesn't look good.  Holy $*#&! I've never even heard of that.  Phew, am I glad I'm not this guy!

"So, uh, am I gonna be OK?"  Is it West Nile?  Mad Cow?  I thought they eradicated that!!!!  Rabies?  Is it rabies???  NoCatheterNoCatheterNoCatheterNoCatheterNoCath...

"Well, we're gonna run some tests, just to rule out anything serious."  Do you believe in miracles?

"OK.  Thanks, doc."  Somehow I'm never quite sure I get my eighty bucks worth here.

"She'll be in here in a few minutes to take some blood.  You can, uh, probably go ahead and buckle up."  Good God, they don't pay me enough to deal with this crap every day.

"Doctor my eyes / Tell me what is wrong / Was I unwise to leave them open for so long..."


  1. Is it Lupus? PLEASE TELL ME IT'S NOT LUPUS!!!!

  2. Does the Blogtember tag mean you're going to be blogging every day this month?!?!

    If so, will they all be as hilarious as this one was? :)

  3. A visit with no catheter is usually a pretty positive thing. Very funny post.

  4. I like how you are emphatic for what doctors have to put up with... Good writing!

  5. Hilarious yet oh so real. Love the paint comments

  6. Renee ~ Have you ever had your tonsils out? Well, they've grown back. Your adnoids, too. And you're not getting any ice cream.

    TC ~ I think I can answer your first question in one word: no. As for your second question, it's quite probable.

    Heidi ~ Yep! One of my greatest fears. Thanks, Heidi.

    Sage ~ Thanks. Although I did intend to put something in about the old magazines in the waiting room. I mean, a Sports Illustrated on the Winter Olympics?

    Pia ~ Thank you. My thoughts on the paint were 100% real.

  7. I always wonder, well, sometimes...when I'm bored, what others are thinking in everyday situations - so thanks for writing it down and allowing us to read it. :-)
    Your paint observations relating to home ownership - spot on! Also, being a parent you will see how everything relates to your child or future children. You'll be thinking that that waiting room, with it's sharp angled table, has never seen a child in it - there's no way a child could have survived in it without a cut cheek/eye brow/lip, etc...or that the neatly arranged magazines would be a good place for a child to rummage through - ewww, germs! Yep, home ownership, and having kids, change ya. :-)
    Hope you are well!!!

  8. Just for the record, as I re-read my comment - I'm not saying that being a homeowner means you're a parent or will become a parent....oh heck, I'm sleep deprived and trying to tie non-related things together....sorry.

  9. NoCatheterNoCatheterNoCatheterNoCatheterNoCath...
    Funny. I do hope everything goes ok.

  10. Funny as ever! =] I suppose the lesson here is to keep your pants on big guy! *wink... My favorite part was "I just told the lady that brought me in here. Did she not tell you? What was that all for? Wait a second, does she even work here???" Ty for the afternoon smile!