Sunday, January 12, 2014

Rochester Woman Announces Retirement from Candy Crush

(This is the third article from/for my yet-to-be-established website,

Citing a fractured family life, general malaise, and the fact she doesn't even know the name of The Bachelor this season, Rochester's Anita Lyfe announced her retirement from the popular Facebook game, Candy Crush Saga, on Tuesday.

According to one co-worker, Lyfe had just completed level 417 when she put down her iPhone and said simply, "No mas."

When reached for comment, Lyfe deadpanned, "There's only so much jelly one person can clear." 

Asked later what she planned to do with the ten to twelve hours per day she spent playing Candy Crush Saga, the mother of two said she didn't really have any plans.  "I haven't thought that far ahead, to be honest.  Obviously, I need to catch up on The Bachelor.  And I guess I could try talking to uh, what's his name, my husband.  Or finding out what's going on with my kids in school."

When informed her oldest child had graduated from school last year, Lyfe appeared confused, as if she didn't quite understand the words that were being spoken.  And if only for that instant, some say she became an almost sympathetic figure.

As for a possible comeback, Lyfe didn't completely rule out the notion, saying only, "I mean, you never say never.  But right now, I don't care if I ever see another green Chiclet thingy, grape hexagon, or blue ball in my life!"

Lyfe also revealed she thinks she may have the beginning stages of carpal tunnel syndrome.  "Best I can tell from the WebMD symptom checker, it's either that, shingles, or osteomyelitis, whatever THAT is.  So I'm going with carpal tunnel."

The money they will save from in-app purchases will more than pay for her carpal tunnel treatment, according to Anita's husband, F. M. Lyfe.

"Sugar, ah, honey honey / You are my candy girl / And you got me wanting you..."


  1. You know if it was the sixties you could get a job as a sketch writer for Monty Python. I could hear John Cleese uttering this piece verbatim from that fake veneer desk..."And now for something completely different". Anyways...this is brilliant...I am still laughing....

  2. You and Anita could be twins.

  3. Blogger needs to get the "like" button, because I would be liking Renee's comment as many times as it would let me!

    This was hilarious, though. My favorite had to be the F.M. Lyfe as her husband's name. Well played.

  4. Jill ~ appreciates your support. Or will, once it comes into existence. Also, I used to have a car with fake veneer on the dashboard. Classin' it up!

    Renee ~ Touché.

    TC ~ Well aren't you and Renee just two peas? *eye roll*

    Thanks. If "F.M. Lyfe" are the last words I ever type in a post, I can live with that.

  5. I agree with TC - we need a 'like' button! You should set up FakeOnion by the way - you'd be great :-)

  6. I agree with TC - we need a 'like' button! You should set up FakeOnion by the way - you'd be great :-)

  7. Too funny. Did I say funny? There's nothing else to say.
    Hilarious? Hysterical? F.M Lyfe?

  8. I'm thinking it's a good thing I don't really know what Candy Crush is. Fun stuff though. :)

  9. Brilliant and funny. Does this mean I owe you some WWF points now?

  10. I resisted for as long as I could. But while waiting on my daughter in the dentist office and having forgotten to bring a book, I turned to playing Candy Crush out of desperation. Two weeks later I am on level 37 and waiting for new lives to continue on.

  11. J Adamthwaite ~ Thanks! Lately I think I may be better at writing about fake things than real.

    Pia ~ Thank you. I had no idea what her husband's name would be when I started, or even if she had one, but when it hit me, I knew they were meant for each other.

    Hilary ~ Oh, it most likely is a good thing. It takes up quite a lot of my time lately.

    Heidi ~ Yes. What did we agree on again, 25 points? :)

    Ed ~ Level 65 here. (Suddenly this feels like an AA meeting.) I hate the part where you have to ask three people to help you board so you can get to the next world.

  12. I have only heard about candy crush, but this is funny!

  13. I was hopping over here to tell you how much your comments always make me laugh (OMG the John Stamos line, hot on the tails of the Dagwood sandwich line), but then I got to laughing at this post, and now I don't know why I'm here.