Monday, December 16, 2013

Man discovers innovative new way to improve life, career, relationships

(This is my second post for, a website that exists only in my mind.)

Harry Pitts has lived much of his life like most people -- giving effort only when it is absolutely required, and not really caring all that much otherwise.

But recently, Harry discovered what he says could be the secret to life -- trying.

"I've found that by actually trying, you can often do amazing things."

Pitts, 47, said the discovery hit him like a ton of bricks.

"I was home alone one day, and the heat didn't seem to be working.  So I was going to check the furnace, but dad has like a ton of bricks stacked in the basement, so I couldn't get to it.  Normally, I would have just waited for him or mom to get home, but I was cold.  So I told myself, I can move these bricks.  And golly gee, one by one, I did!"

Did he fix the heater?

"Well, no.  I'm not even sure that was the furnace I was looking at, but that's beside the point."

Though no scientific proof exists, Pitts claims his groundbreaking idea works in virtually all phases of life.

"Weight loss, career, you name it.  Even relationships.  Heck, I have a girlfriend for the first time in twelve years, all because I decided to walk up to a girl and ask her out."

Sound too good to be true?  Well, it just may be.

"There is but one downfall to my program.  Trying, as it turns out, takes quite a lot of effort.  So it may not be for everyone.  For example, now my girlfriend wants me to buy her gifts for certain occasions, and like, think of things for us to do all on my own!  She even suggested I move out of my parents' house.  I was like, 'Whoa, let's not get crazy here.  Don't you think we're moving a little too fast?'"

While it remains to be seen if trying is sustainable, brief spurts of effort do seem to help a little.  Keep in mind the sample size is very small, and trying may lead to other unwanted and unforeseen consequences, such as added responsibility and worst of all, expectations.

So for now, try at your own risk.

"I turned my microwave on and I cooked my chicken ravioli / The last ten years of my life I've been feeling kind of lonely..."


  1. Here we have Harry Bush Trucking. Really

  2. I think you should start Fake Onion.
    This was hilarious. More than hilarious. And don't ask me to pick out one line. They were all great!

  3. I agree! Sign me up for a subscription.

  4. This totally goes against anything that George Castanza would say. Amazing!

  5. I was smiling throughout at your wonderful writing, as always. Add me to the list of those who think Fake Onion should be a real thing! All you have to do is try. :)

  6. MarkD ~ Hey, as long as it gets you where you wanna go.

    Pia ~ Thanks! I was trying to think of how it would work. If The Onion is fake, wouldn't that make Fake Onion real? It's entirely possible I'm over-thinking it.

    Heidi ~ Just out of curiosity, what would you be willing to pay? ;)

    Renee ~ What about when he did the opposite of everything his instincts told him to do?

    Sherri B ~ Thanks, Sherri! I think I may wait a bit until more research comes back on this "trying" thing :)

  7. I know a few people who are quite trying. ;)

    Fun, silly post. You made me laugh.

  8. I'm pretty sure he didn't do anything that required any effort though.

  9. I definitely thought of George and his "opposite" episode while reading this!

  10. Real, Bone, sure. If you say so.
    I'm so used to facebook that I wanted to (was dying to) like Renee's comment:
    I'm pretty sure he didn't do anything that required any effort though.
    She knows you well : )

  11. Fake Onion--just like the real vegetable, but without the tears... Of course, if you're referring to that other news source, isn't "fake onion" kind of like "double negatives?" Enjoyed your post, thanks for the laughs.

  12. Hilary ~ Hmm, could be a regional thing then :) Thanks!

    Renee ~ That's probably true.

    TC ~ It's entirely possible, if not likely, that I was channeling that subconsciously.

    Pia ~ Renee used to leave Seinfeld-related comments on all my posts. Why else do you think I've kept her around so long?

    Sage ~ Thanks, Sage. Yes, I've considered the double negative. Or perhaps Fake Onion could mean even more fake than the real Onion.