Sunday, April 14, 2013

Is "bitches" a derogatory term?

The boys of summer -- who actually show up in early spring and somewhat overstay their welcome through mid-fall -- have arrived.

Baseball is here.  Which means fantasy baseball is here.  Which means it's time for Bone to spend hours, yea, minutes, researching, surveying, and creaticizing, all in an effort to come up with the best, most clever team name in all the fantasy league.

Mission... accepted.

There has been a long-held conception that if I spent as much time and mental energy on drafting and managing my team (say, for the entire season rather than losing interest sometime in mid-June) as I do naming my team, then maybe their results would be better.

And I must admit, even I was starting to question whether that might be the case.

And then last year happened.  Dusty's Spring Field happened.  Possibly the most dominating season in the history of history happened.  

I won my league by 29 points!   While I'm sure most of you are familiar with fantasy baseball rules and scoring, there may be a couple of you (*cough* Renee *cough*) who have no idea what I'm talking about and who are, in fact, only "skimming" this post as we speak.

So to put that in some perspective, I finished 29 points ahead of the second place team.  Meanwhile, the difference between the second place team and the last place team was only 28 points.

A legend began to grow about my fantasy baseball adroitness.  I considered retiring.  I mean, from such great heights where else could I go but down?  Besides, if you recall, we were all pretty sure the world was going to end last year anyway.  

But then, I remembered a lesson learned from those athletic conquistadors of my youth -- Brett Favre, Michael Jordan, Brett Favre again.  And that is: never go out on top.

And so, I'm back, for one more run.  Or two.  Until no one wants me in their league anymore or they carry me away from the keyboard with a career-ending carpal tunnel injury.  That's how I wanna go out.

Now, without further adieu (because really, that was quite a bit of adieu, doncha think?), I present this year's finalists:

Dusty's Spring Field ~ Yes, I briefly considered keeping Dusty's Spring Field for a second year.  Why mess with a good thing, right?  Plus, as Michael Scott once said, I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.  In the end, I decided Dusty's Spring Field would have to be retired into the Bone Hall Of Names, just like all the fantasy team names before it.  That's the rule.  And if I can't abide by these rules I've made up, well then I have no idea what any of this is for.

Son Of A Bleacher Fan ~ Meet Dusty's Spring Field's offspring: Son Of A Bleacher Fan.  This would probably be my new team name in 2013, if not for that little Yahoo! Sports rule that limits team names to 20 characters.  SOABF has 21.  Though I suppose I could eliminate spaces.  But then that'd just bug me the whole season, like someone sending me an email saying, "Your so funny."  I just. Can't. Let. It. Go.

Cafe Latos ~ Not horrible.  This is the contestant in the Final 12 on American Idol that isn't a bad singer, but that everybody knows isn't going to win.  Just doesn't have "it."

Cozart's Concerto ~ I liked this one a lot.  Actually I wanted Cozart's Cowhide Concerto, but again the 20-character limit.  However, after consulting with my IMAEIC (instant messaging & email inner circle), none of them seemed very thrilled. Cozart's Concerto is the American Idol contestant who finishes 4th but has a much longer career than Kris Allen... I mean, the winner... ever will.

The Fountain Squares ~ Getting away from the players names' theme, I decided to go in a city-of-Cincinnati direction.  Again, none of the IMAEIC seemed all that impressed, but don't be surprised if this one pops up again somewhere down the road.  It could be a possible name for my future band, should I ever learn to play an instrument.

And now, the moment you've all been skimming for.  Two of the three members of my IMAEIC immediately picked this name as soon as they heard it.  It must have been a lot like how Elvis's mom reacted when Vernon was calling out possible baby names... "Howard?  Vernon Jr.?  Elvis?"  There was no need to hear the other names.  Either that, or they were just trying to pacify me so I'd stop bugging them about it... Hmm, I may have to rethink my inner circle.

Anyway, your 2013 Bone Fantasy Baseball team name:

Queen City, Bitches!

(pause for confusion/consternation)

Well, except apparently Yahoo! doesn't allow commas in their team names.  So instead of calling my fellow competitors the b-word, it's like I'm calling my own team the b-word.  

Of course, I didn't really intend it in a derogatory manner.  More in a fun way, like "What up beyotches? We gonna hang at the hizzouse and get crazy up in here tonight?  What what?"  (Imagine me saying this as I'm throwin' gang signs. But like a nice gang, one that helps old people and does good deeds.  Actually, I guess that's the Cub Scouts, isn't it?  Do they have a sign?)

But assuming for a moment that it were a derogatory term, I've just gone from insulting the rest of the league to insulting myself.

Sonovableacherfan!

"The only one who could ever reach me / Was the son of a preacher man..."

16 comments:

  1. never go out on top.

    I will remember that. There's so much good stuff here it's hard to pick.

    I like Elvis being named and Queen City, Bitches--though I feel like I shouldn't like that last one. Another reading will make me like other parts more.

    This is the Season of Bone, really

    And yes baseball goes on way too long

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  2. I cannot believe that I have just been "called out" on Bone's blog! o.O I was totally reading every word up to that point. ;)

    K, I kept reading until you started telling us about all the names you came up with...that got pretty boring for me.

    I'll have to come back later with the perfect Seinfeld reference though. Oh wait, I can be like George with the late come back.

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  3. I must confess that I did some initial skimming, but then I did a whole lot of laughing when you got to the potential names...lol. Very clever! I'll be rooting for your fantasy team to win, Bone.

    Anyone who quotes Michael Scott gains my respect, too. :D

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  4. I just refuse to play in a league that limits names to 20 characters... Or I would refuse to play in such a league if I actually had time or interest in playing fantasy league ball... I just hope I can catch a "real" game or two a year. Maybe one in Detroit and another in Chicago.

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  5. Now I have a loop of Jan singing to Astird stuck in my head.

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  6. Pia - Thanks. Very few people know that about Elvis :)

    Renee - This is a big day for you. Many people go their whole lives without being called out on Bone's blog. Congratulations.

    "Jerkstore woulda smoked that guy!"

    Sherri - Et tu, Sherri? :) Oh, I could quote Michael Scott all day. And some days I do.

    Sage - What about Pittsburgh? Why was I thinking you were a Pirates fan?

    Heidi - Yesssssss! I completely forgot she sang that to Astird! I am literally laughing out loud here.

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  7. Yep, but I just don't have any trips planned for Pittsburgh this year, but if I can catch them in C-town or Detroit, that'll be a bonus.

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  8. Naming time is one of my favorite times of the year :)

    Also, Yahoo! really needs to get rid of their character limit. Seriously. The triple C is my fave.

    I expect to see #sonovableacherfan being used immediately.

    Good luck, QCB! May someone with no life ruin your dominance of the game of fantasy baseball.

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  9. Yeah, also slightly guilty of skimming... but my punishment is immediately clear: Son of a Preacher Man is now going round in my head in an endless loop. ;)

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  10. Keep it simple, how about just 'Bitches Be Crazy'? Course, if there were no word count, I'd rip off Billy Currigan, 'The God is Great, Beer is Good and Bitches be Crazy FBL'(Fantasy Baseball League) But that's just me...

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  11. I think last year's name is a tough act to follow. Plus it surely was a factor in your dominating win. So I'm not expecting to read about a repeat. QCB isn't awful, it just doesn't hold a candle to DSF.

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  12. I agree with a couple other people that the character limit is bogus. Cozart's Cowhide Concerto is fab. You are the master of funny (sorry I paired that with uncle, totally didn't come out right at all).

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  13. As an oboe player I'm partial to "Cozart's Concerto." :)

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  14. Sage ~ I understand. I used to always try to catch the Reds in Atlanta. Now I'd like to get up to Cincinnati once a year.

    Cami ~ Did you just out yourself as an IMAEIC member???

    TC (aka non-skimmer) ~ May someone with no life ruin your dominance of the game of fantasy baseball.

    Oh, I'm sure they will. In fact, there's one guy in the league who's already made like 15 transactions. And the season isn't even a month old!

    J Adamthwaite ~ I'd say the punishment fits the crime :) Please tell me you sang it out loud, at least a little.

    Jill ~ Well, I'm saving that for the title of my first hip-hop single.

    Also, I *think* you may have just melded together the names of Billy Currington with the lead singer of Smashing Pumpkins :)

    And speaking of Billy Currington, I was just reading today where he was indicted! I guess maybe that beer was a little too good?

    Susan ~ I appreciate your frankness. If I can't count on my blog readers to keep my fantasy baseball expectations in check, then what in this world can I count on?

    Actonbell ~ Hmm, I wonder if I could propose a "no character limits" amendment to the Yahoo! Sports Constitution.

    Madeleine ~ Well, that sure seems to be the consensus favorite among my commenters.

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  15. Um... *looks around sheepishly*... yep...

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