My weekend could best be summed up by that wise old proverb. Lemme see if I can get this right... Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Make a man put together a push mower, and he'll never buy anything that reads "some assembly required" again.
But alas, all's well that ends with only two or three pieces left over. I would tell you more about my productive weekend, except that I've just been reading a provocative news blurb about how the thing people find most annoying about social media is those who brag about their fitness routine or latest diet.
They were followed by those who post pictures of every single meal they're about to eat, people who "check-in" at every place they go to, online game players (Farmville. Holla!), smug couples (dislike!), and excessively proud parents.
Wow, that really puts a crimp in my plans for today's post. However, there are a couple of things that crossed my mind Sunday afternoon which I am able to share with you today. After all, a man has a lot of time to think while mowing the lawn with a mower which mysteriously seems to be missing a critical part.
Firstly, it struck me that in all the years we've known each other, I've yet to share with you my extensive mental collection of emoticons. And at my age, I feel that is important to do because, well, at some point it may become socially unacceptable for men of a certain age to still be using winky faces.
Let's start with the least famous, most underrated, underutilized emoticon of them all. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the high-five:
Also known as the Eiffel Tower. And occasionally mistaken for an anteater. Or, a rather stubby phallus.
That's right, I'm bringing the high-five back. Those other emoticons don't know how to act. Why this emoticon is not more widely used is beyond me. Truly one of the great mysteries of our time, right behind D.B. Cooper, and National Treasure.
Let's look at a few others:
:-/ Mister Empathy/Dismayed
:-( Mister Frownie (I use this one a lot. I'm not as happy as you might think I am.)
:'( Shedding a tear
:''''''''''''( Bawling (Notice how the more tears you shed, the longer your face becomes. Thus the expression "Why the long face?")
:'-) Tears of happiness (Never use this. It only confuses people.)
>:( Angry (Or an unhappy king, though I've yet to find a use for an unhappy king.)
(_|_) You've just been mooned.
>< Kiss (Or the slightly less popular, fish with its head cut off.)
:-P Tongue sticking out/joking/flirting
:-P* Tongue sticking out to catch a snowflake
*o) Snowflake in eye (And the other eye... apparently missing? May you never have cause to use this one.)
:*) Snowflake on cheek (Do I have too many snowflake ones?)
* ≠ * No two snowflakes are alike (Obvs.)
@--->--- Rose (Doesn't really get you out of as many virtual jams/doghouses as you might hope.)
(|) Sideways hamburger (Or, flat-head screw. Again, somewhat difficult to find a practical use for this one.)
Well, I think it's pretty clear I could go on forever. Unfortunately, there's not enough internet.
I would only leave you with one thought for the day: If we can't communicate with a cleverly-arranged series of dots and symbols, we're no better than the cavemen...
Hmm, actually didn't they draw pictures on the cave walls? Therefore, we're exactly like the cavemen. So that example really doesn't work.
OK, so let's change that to "Even the cavemen (and cavewomen, although I don't see how they could be expected to draw after being drug around by that bone in their hair all day) realized the easiest and clearest way to communicate was through a series of pictures and symbols."
There. Much better.
Oh, there was one other thing I wanted to share with you. Remember when I did that Music Monday post? No? It was only five months ago, I don't see how you could have forgotten. Well, in my mind it was going to become a semi-regular feature. In reality, suffice it to say, it did not.
Anyhow, here's a band one or two of you might tolerate. You know, kinda like you do me. They're called The Hold Steady. It's hard to believe I've not shared them with you before now. But when you only do a Music Monday post once every five months... well, suddenly it becomes easier to believe. (And yes, I'm vaguely aware this is Tuesday.)
"She was a really good kisser / But she wasn't all that strict of a Christian / She was a damn good dancer / But she wasn't all that great of a girlfriend..."