Thursday, September 27, 2012


If you had told me two months ago that I could be even less productive than I already was, I'd have said you were crazy.  And not like in a joking, slap-you-on-the-back "Aw, you're crazy" sort of way.  But in a jumping-up-and-down-on-Oprah's-couch certifiable way.

I simply did not think it possible.

And then, I met my new best friend: the iPhone.

And now, huge chunks of my day are just gone, completely eaten up.

How much of my day?  To answer that question, I've prepared this helpful pie chart:

It's probably the best graph I've ever done.  It represents how I spend my non-working hours. (And if we're being completely honest, some of my working hours.) I think it's pretty self-explanatory. "Lost" represents those times during the day when I sit down and it's 3:15, then before I know it, it's 4:30 and I haven't really done anything at all, just kinda spaced out for awhile. Where did that time go? I don't know. But it happens quite often.

"Bone, you went a little overboard with the apps."

That statement was made to me by a seven-year-old, as he played with my new iPhone a few weeks ago.  By the way, the same kid also commented while listening to me yell at the TV as Alabama was dismantling Michigan on the opening weekend of college football, "I think you're a little obsessed with the TV.  Maybe you shouldn't watch TV tomorrow."  Out of the mouths of babes...

You know how those iPhone owners are always like, "If you ever try an iPhone, you'll never own anything else."   Like they're sooo special and in a completely higher class in the smartphone feudal system than the rest of us.

Well... they were right.

And now, I'm one of them.  I have been baptized into the cult.  And we're talking full immersion, not just sprinkling.  I have been given the name Tania!

We are a devoted sect.  A peculiar people, if you will, forever bound to our cellular messiah, Steven Paul Jobs.  We search the iTunes Store daily to see whether any of these apps be free.

As you may know, I didn't grow up in an iPhone family.  My parents raised me as a strict Nokia-ite.  But I felt there had to be something more out there.  Eventually I struck out on my own and after dabbling in several operating systems, I discovered the Blackberryists.  They suited my needs at the time.  But, lo, I had no idea what untold riches and glory did await my wretched soul in the Tabernacle of Apple.

After my Blackberry died back in July, for six days and six nights I wandered around in a cellular-less wilderness, with nothing but the manna of instant messaging to sustain my techno-starved soul.  Then, one glorious Tuesday afternoon, I experienced a road-to-Damascus-like miracle, as a customer-service-Moses at the AT&T store did shewest me the promised land.

That's right, dearly beloved.  I'm here to tell you there's something else: the Apple world.  It's a world of never-ending happiness, where you can always shop the iTunes store, day or night.  And they need no Kindle there, neither light of Nook, for the preponderance of apps doth taketh up their day.

Now I shalt go into all the virtual world, and preach the good news of the iPhone to every nation.  He that believeth and downloadeth (apps) shall enjoy eternal smartphone happiness.  He that believeth not shall be condemned to a life of frequent battery pulls, and possibly lots of unnecessary productivity.

And who would want that?

I would like to close today by paraphrasing a quote by the sage old bard, Thomas T. Hall: "Ain't but three things in this world that's worth a solitary dime: old dogs, children, and this iPhone of mine."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must attend to my Tiny Tower.  It appears the Glass Studio on the 26th floor needs to be restocked.

Can I get an "amen?"

"Then I saw her face / Now I'm a believer / Not a trace / Of doubt in my mind / I'm in love / I'm a believer / I couldn't leave her if I tried..."


  1. Now "Let's" not "Go Crazy" here.

    I swear these new devices must be laced with crack or something the way you folks are constantly using them. My daughter says that for her next birthday she is going to insist that her friends either leave their phones at home or just not bother coming to her party as this last party they all had their noses stuck to the phones.

    Perhaps they're like Kenny's Chicken, soup Nazi's soup, or those mangoes from the fruit stand that everyone gets banned from.

  2. Hallelujah, Bone - you've been saved! lol...I'm as addicted to apps as you are, but mine are all camera apps. So many apps, so little time! I seek out the free ones, too - I'm always on the hunt! Your post made me laugh, as always...Amen! :D

  3. Welcome to the dark side.

    I still refuse to use a Mac though.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. Bone, I am concerned for you. But then, I'm in the smart-phone slums with a Samsung.

  6. Renee - Yes! Someone got my Prince reference!

    I'm thinking the Soup Nazi's soup would be the closest thing. I just hope I never have to choose between a girl and my iPhone :)

    Sherri B - I've definitely been making up for lost time in the App Store. We should have like a weekly free app group devotional or something :)

    Ed - Really? The utter bliss that is my iPhone has had me thinking just the opposite -- that I might try a Mac next.

    Sage - How is the Samsung? Let me know if you think of converting. Maybe I could grant you a fief or something. There may even be a lords and vassals app.

  7. AMEN!
    A couple things...
    1. The graph is freakin' hilarious! Thank you for that.
    2 Favorite comment: But in a jumping-up-and-down-on-Oprah's-couch certifiable way.

  8. The graph is like a woman's butt. So round, so perfect, fills me with lust.
    The rest is true for me too, but I have a Sanding Galaxy S2.

  9. Freaking hilarious- one of your funniest ever. And maybe a little sad. LOL

    Now, Tiny Tower...that's like Farmville or the like, right? ;-)

  10. You won't get a DVR but you will download apps on to your shiny new iPhone. :-)

    I like the graph. I'd be more impressed if you drew it with an app on your phone.

  11. Ha! That's exactly what happened to me when I got my iphone. There's no going back. I love your 7 year old commentator. I think I need one of them in my life!

  12. LOL! I relate to your problem with distractions like that. :)

  13. You're welcome.

    Also. Please quit your job and become a graphic designer. NOW.

  14. 8675309- do you actually ever call anyone??

  15. Gawd you're funny :) Why didn't I ever tell you about the total superiority of Apple products?

    Nicki and I fought all weekend because she hates Apple and is all Samsung something something and I of course....Thing is neither of us actually own these phones yet (she has a Blackberry work makes her use and I have an Ipad)

  16. OK Chick - Thank you. I definitely put the most time and effort into the graph, so that means a lot.

    MarkD - Well, that's exactly what I was going for. That, or a three-tone Pac-Man.

    TC - No, it's not like Farmville at all! I refuse to believe/admit that it is.

    Xinh - Yes, but could an app deliver that kind of meticulous attention to detail? Doubtful.

    J Adamthwaite - They definitely have a unique perspective on things. It can be quite useful sometimes.

    Madeleine - Your LOL's are always welcome here.

    Cami - I've considered that. I just worry that I would lose some of my obvious love and enjoyment of graphic design if it became my job.

    Daily Panic - I can't remember your number. Maybe make it into a catchy song or something.

    Pia - Thanks! I'm definitely thinking of trying a Mac next. Also, I may dress up as an iPhone for Halloween.

  17. You leave me feeling very sorry that you and Steve Jobs can't hook up and, eventually, marry.

    And that pie chart? About the most charming graphic I've ever seen.

    Trust me. I've seen a lot. I'm a regular pie chart whore.