Thursday, August 30, 2012

The Last Walk-In

 A nearly two-year streak came to an end this past weekend. 

Maybe you were too busy watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo to notice.  But for the first time since 2010, I, Bone, went to see a movie. In a theater.

I know what you're saying. "People still go to the movies?"  Well, judging by the twelve souls who were in the same theater we were Saturday night, I'd say the answer to that question is a big ole resounding... "not really."

Tired of all the bizarre they-must-be-entirely-out-of-ideas movies lately, such as Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer and the talking Teddy Ruxpin (is that redundant?), we opted for an imperceptibly more practical flick: The Odd Life Of Tom Green.

What?  Oh.  Timothy Green.  Sorry.  Or as I kept referring to it: Honey I Grew A Kid In The Garden.

You may be asking, "What might possibly have possessed you to go see that, Bone?"  Well, as the title of one of my seven future autobiographies will state, I did it for a girl.  (There's also Unfortunately I Was There For Almost The Whole Thing.  And the groundbreaking On-bay: Y-may Entire-way Ife-lay En-nay Ig-pay Atin-lay.  The other four are TBD.)

Some will say the movie theater is dying, that Redbox, On-Demand, and poor writing have killed what once was a staple of American weekends.  They will say why put on clothes and go to a theater when you can lie on the couch in your underwear and pop in a DVD.

To them I would say only.... hmm... OK, actually they have a decent point there.  Where was I going with this?  Oh right.  It's not just about watching some crappy movie.  It's about the entire movie-going experience:  the sticky seats, covered by years of who-knows-what; the almost-expected projector malfunction; the previews of even worse movies than the one you're about to see.  

Plus, where else are you gonna get six-dollar soft drinks and nine-dollar popcorn?  An airport?  A ballgame?  A concert?

OK, those are all good answers.

Ah, but here's the kicker:  Where else can you go and pay to be annoyed by the small children of complete strangers for two hours straight?

OK, maybe an airplane.

Anyway, getting back to the movie. What was it called again? Hark, Who Grows There?  Jack Is The Beanstalk?  I must say, once you got past the almost-laughable unbelievability of the premise (which I never really did) it wasn't too awful, albeit predictable.  And I might have to take issue with the guy sitting behind us.  This cinephile could be overheard as we were exiting the octoplex saying in a steep Southern drawl, "That feeyum awwtuh win uh Ah-uhscur."

I'm guessing the Academy might go in another direction on this one, Siskel.

Still, it did have Jennifer Garner in it.  So there was that.  And the guy who played Peter on Office Space also had a small part.

Ah, Office Space.  Now there's a movie.  I actually watched it one afternoon last week. 

From my couch.

In my underwear.

You know, at this point I can't help but think it might be tough to fill seven autobiographies.

"Don't hang around and let your problems surround you /  There are movie shows / Downtown..."


  1. You could have watched a movie from your couch minus the underwear....

    Just my two bit...


  2. Had you gone to see The Bourne Legacy you might have actually enjoyed it as it needs a big screen

    Seven autobiographies? And one isn't called The Bone & Pia Chronicles? :)

  3. I bet the girl you went with was happy :-)

  4. I agree with Pia; there are some movies that NEED to be seen at the theater because of the crowd, the smells, the sounds. Unless you have a kick ass theater system in your home, in which case, fine, stay at home and watch movies in semi-states of undress.

  5. Gautami - I think that'd have to go in the unauthorized biography.

    Pia - I dunno. I didn't see the first seven Bournes.

    I was thinking of that more as a semi-fictional sitcom :)

    TC - Did I say I went with a girl? Oh, yes, I guess that was implied. It definitely wasn't a movie I could see going to with one of my guy friends.

    Xinh - Eh, I'm just not that impressed. I'd rather see a good story than millions of dollars worth of special effects. I think that's one reason I like old movies.

  6. I can't remember the last time I went to see a movie in an actual theater but I'm pretty sure it was before my wife got pregnant, the first time.

    You haven't seen the first seven Bournes!? That is almost as shocking as someone telling me they have never heard of Jerry Seinfeld. You are really missing out on some classic guy movies!

  7. I rarely go to the theater anymore, either - the cost is outrageous. I went to see Brave with my daughter last week and it was $10 for a matinee ticket at noon. What the what?? I must confess I was curious about this movie after seeing the previews...but I think I'll wait for the DVD so I can watch it at home in my, um, baggie sweatpants. :)

  8. well I'm sure the girl you went with wouldn't have objected if you watched it like Jerry watched Shindler's List...minus Newman. ;o)

    This makes me really sad to hear how much you disliked the movie as I was really interested in going to see it. Especially after TC gave it such glowing (growing ;o) reviews. ;o)

    okay, I'm just kidding. TC said it was totally predictable.

  9. I hadn't been to the cinema for ages either, and then rekindled my interest... only to find they've started turning the house lights on as soon as the end credits start. When did that start happening? If I'm going to pay that much money to see a film, I want to see everything. It's hardly going to stop me from going though, so I guess they didn't misjudge it.

    (As I go to post this, I realise it seems a little disconnected. In my defence, I am very, very tired!)

  10. As I walked around town tonight, I saw that movie poster and wondered what it was about and now I wonder no more!

  11. Have you seen this video from Jimmy Kimmel?

    Made me laugh and laugh.

    My husband was just talking the other day about all the things he'd rather do than go watch that damn movie. I believe it came out he'd rather gnaw off hangnails from my toes, in fact.

  12. An old friend (not literally) had me read your blog and I have liked in ever since. Ha.. I wonder what Tom Green is doing these days. I'm much on movies, or dating at the moment, however, I tried both..... At the same time. At first it was awkward and there aren't many people who understand my personality and the sarcasmic language I have been known to communicate in. This movie was not my cup of tea, however, I am sure I scored some points. If you love the action packed, crude humor cartoons, slapstick comedies, or Dumb and Dumber, this is not for you. But i was able to do an impromptu script between us to go along with what was on the big screen, which in turn, prevented me from snoring while dropping my drink on the one next to me. An epically bad situation was avoided. I thought I would chime in since we suffered the same faith. Great blog, look forward to the next. Roll Tide

  13. Ed - Nope. I've seen part of one of them on TV. I'm just not a big movie person, theater or DVD really. I think it's my short attention span. The exception, of course, is Bama football.

    Sherri - What the what??

    I'm stealing that! :)

    Renee - Unfortunately, I haven't watched a movie like that in many, many years. Well, not in a theater anyway :)

    J Adamthwaite - I am picturing a rather humorous scene with you, the lone remaining person in the theater, turning to yell at whoever turned on the lights, "Hey! I'm trying to read the credits here!" *grin*

    Sage - It's a good thing you saw this particular movie poster, because I would have been unable to help you with most any other movie released in the past five years.

    Jocelyn - OK, that was rather hilarious. Though I must say the football part at the end hit a little close to home.

    "B" - Ah, that must have been back in the days when I would tell everyone to tell their friends to read my blog. I just didn't know anyone actually did it!

    Perhaps I should have prefaced this whole review by saying, "This from a guy who thinks Dumb & Dumber is one of the top three movies of all time."

    Roll Tide!

    Madeleine - Thanks!

  14. That's pretty much spot-on... only without the yelling :)