Sunday, July 29, 2012


I have spent the past fifty-plus hours in an Olympicoma, defined by Bone-a-pedia as "an extended state of lethargy induced by four channels of nearly non-stop Olympic programming."

But it's a good lethargy.

Whilst watching Todd Rogers and Phil Dalhausser, my hair idol, dispose of another opponent this afternoon in men's beach volleyball, I began to ponder my own Olympic dreams.  Sure, my greatest athletic accomplishments have been documented.  (Note: That becomes a better read the more bored you are.)  But much like most areas of my life, I've always felt there was something missing.

And while I think we all agreed a couple years ago that my best shot was in curling, I've yet to actually throw a stone.  Or even attend a curling game.  So at this point we have to realistically ask: What if curling doesn't work out?

Therefore, I've been scouting these 2012 games for a sport in which I could excel.  At first I thought maybe archery.  After all, I really like the hats.  Then they said it takes fifty pounds of pressure to pull back the bow.  On every shot!?  Good heavens, I can barely do fifty push ups.  Wait, is it barely, or hardly?

So I've decided it would be better to suggest some new events that might be added to the games, any one of which would in all likelihood allow me to realize my Olympic dream.

Co-Ed Water Polo (In Shallow Water) ~ I specify co-ed because I would feel more than a little uncomfortable in a pool having physical contact with fourteen guys all wearing our Speedos.  But throw a few girls in there and I might be OK.  And shallow water because, look, we all know how to swim, no one needs to prove anything.  Plus, it would be much less tiring.  So, either shallow water or we all wear arm floaties.  I'm fine with either.

Words With Friends ~ Since purchasing an iPhone a few weeks ago, I'm like 40-2 in Words With Friends!  Plus, this would make for great TV.  Imagine the drama, as players sat across the table from one another and played on their phones: "Oh no, Jim.  It looks like the Montenegro contestant has lost service!"  "I think you're right, Rowdy.  My Montenegrin is a little spotty, but I believe he just cursed his cell provider.  And quite colorfully, I might add."

NFL Two-Minute Drill ~ This is a football toss game they have at our Chuck E. Cheese.  I can always achieve the Hall Of Fame bonus, which is like fifty tokens.  It also makes an alarm go off, which was a little embarrassing the first few times, what with a couple of kids standing around and their parents already giving me the stink-eye because I'm hogging the game.  But I got over it.

Nerf Free Throw Shooting ~ I once made 42 free throws in a row on my Nerf goal.  And that's without even practicing very much.  I have no idea how that stacks up with the world's greatest Nerf free throw shooters.  And therein lies the tragedy.

Competitive Napping ~ Granted, this wouldn't make for great television.  But are you gonna tell me the steeplechase is winning its time slot every night?  (FYI steeplechasers, the water is in the same place every lap . Go around it to save time.)  I see competitive napping as a program of four or five events, similar to gymnastics.  You would have couch napping, desk napping, the power nap, napping with noise.  Competitors would be judged on length and soundness of nap, speed in getting to sleep, ability to sleep through an alarm, volume of drool, etc.

Wiffle Ball Field Hockey ~ As I assume none of you know what this is, let me explain.  My sister and I would play this using Wiffle ball bats and a tennis ball.  You just hit the ball with your bat and try to get it past your opponent's goal line (which for me was an invisible line running in both directions from the basketball goal in our backyard), all the while trying to keep your opponent from getting the ball past your goal.  I dominated!  Of course, I was like fourteen and my sister was seven.  (What?  I let her win, occasionally.  Had to, or she wouldn't play anymore.)

Paper Football ~ I once scored 128 points in a paper football game against my friend, Archie, during 10th grade biology class.  I might've scored even more, but Mister Whitmore caught us playing and threw our football in the trash.

Scene-It Seinfeld ~ Since getting this for Christmas a few years ago, I'm undefeated.  I'm sure you're surprised.  No one will play me anymore.  I'm not even kidding.  Actually, I'm not entirely undefeated.  That's because sometimes -- and I've never revealed this to anyone before now -- I play against myself.  It's pretty intense.  A lot like that scene in War Games when Matthew Broderick makes the computer play tic-tac-toe against itself.  Except the DEFCON level remains unaffected.

Are you listening IOC?  And if none of those work, I have others:  Putt-putt.  Air hockey.  Boggle, obviously.  Rock-Paper-Scissors.

Just imagine, sitting in your living room, watching a still-good-looking-as-ever Bob Costas covering the 2016 Games in Rio.  And you hear him refer to Bone as the "Michael Phelps of Co-Ed Water Polo - Shallow Water Division."

I think that's a dream we all have.

"There's nothing I know of in Rio / But it's something to do with the night / It's only a whimsical notion / To fly down to Rio tonight / And I probably won't fly down to Rio / But then again, I just might..."


  1. Competitive napping! Imagine the announcers, talking in golf voices.
    I miss paper football. That was fun in grade school.

  2. My husband wants to be an Olympian too! He was REALLY inspired by the news that in shooting a guy in his 70's won gold (some time ago!) Because as a guy who is almost 50 he gets depressed. He was also looking at other sports that he might do well in. Swimming is out because he isn't tall enough. Soccer is also out due to his size...even though he plays really well. (BTW: when are Americans going to join the world and call this football?)

  3. Excellent post. So far I've been pretty good at limiting myself to the evening 4 hour wrap up on NBC and not watching the daytime stuff. Of course it helps to have a entire house to unpack, arrange and fixup to keep my mind elsewhere.

  4. I have yet to see ANY of the Olympics :-/ I figured for sure some of the airport monitors would have them on this weekend, but no dice. I figure it might be hard to pry me away from the TV tonight...

  5. At home at lunch I was watching one of the cowboy wantabe events, guys riding a course on a horse and my daughter pointed out the several of the riders were older than me... I need to do a post on Olympic sailing as 13 of the 16 countries racing in the Star class are using boats made near me--of course one of the three countries not using their boats (and using an Italian boat) is the USA! Go figure.

  6. MarkD - Yes! Golf announcers would be perfect for competitive napping. Good call!

    Renee - I understand. I quickly ruled out many traditional sports, such as gymnastics, because I would kill myself on the vault. What does he think about curling? Maybe he and I could get up a team. Or synchronized something-or-other.

    Ed - Thanks! The four-hour wrap-up is pretty good. And there's sure nothing else on to watch, until football season. The Olympics should tide me over nicely.

    I do like the daytime coverage because they seem to show some of the less popular events. I'm always amazed how interested I become in these otherwise mostly obscure sports every four years.

    TC - I figure it might be hard to pry me away from the TV tonight...

    As it should be.

    Sage - I remember reading the U.S. gymnasts wore outfits made in China during the Beijing games. I saw where this year's team is wearing outfits manufactured in Pennsylvania.

    I just assumed your way into the Olympics would be canoeing :)

  7. Oh! Can I join Sage's canoe team???

  8. So glad you "hinted" that you blogged as I would have waited (something that should be in the Olympics "waiting" I could win that) to read one of the funniest posts I have ever read

    It's been raining for 3 days and I'm going crazy which could account for the true ROTFL I have been doing while reading your post. Oh rain--another category I could win

    I would love to see Words with Friends as a sit com. Of course Alec Baldwin would have to be your costar :)

  9. I'm laughing out loud here... :D

    My favorite is the Competitive Napping (LOL)! And oh Bone, I could imagine your heartbreak if you reached the games and failed to qualify in the top 2 for the U.S. mens all-around napping competition. Your years of sacrifice and nap training would have been all for naught! You know, I don't think competitive napping could be any worse than watching a chess match. It could actually work! :)

  10. Its great you are still posting!!! I regret to say I just dropped in for the first time in months and you still make me laugh!

  11. I've done horrible at watching the Olympics. I feel so un-American.

  12. I think that it would be a tight contest between us for the napping medal.

  13. How about "Watch when you get power" sport? We Indians will win that hands down!!

  14. I reckon I'd be much more interested in the Olympics if you threw some of those into the mix! How about some playground games too? Bulldog maybe or that thing that got banned when I was at school where people flicked coins at a wall (I have no idea what that was about actually, but I guess it had rules of some sort...)

  15. TC - You'd have to check with him, but I might have a back-up plan if I were you. Just in case :)

    Pia - As much as I love Milli Vanilli, I don't think I'm gonna blame it on the rain this time. Your laughter, that is. I'm taking credit when I can get it :)

    I am beyond addicted to Words With Friends. Probably will get its own post soon.

    And I was thinking about a gymnastics reality show. Something like Real Gymnasts Of The U.S. Olympic Tryouts. Or my alternate name, Being Jordan Wieber.

    Sherri B - They could just show the highlights on NBC's prime time coverage. You know, abrupt snores, any sleep walking action, etc.

    And the great thing about competitive napping is that even if you lose, you still got lots of naps! :)

    Daily Panic - Always good to see you around, DP. Thanks for laughing.

    OKC - Didn't you GO to the Olympics one year? For some reason, that led me to believe you were a big fan.

    Cooper - Rio 2016. Bring it! I can see the NBC promos now: Bone versus Cooper. It'd be like Dan versus Dave, except not as much of a letdown, and slightly funnier.

    The Slumberdrome is going to need to be temperature-controlled environment though I have to have it really cool when I sleep.

    Gautami - Oh my, I read about that in the news! Did you lose power?

    J Adamthwaite - I don't know Bulldog? Yes, Quarters! That's what we called it. I mean... that's probably what we would have called it, had we played it.

  16. I think I would like to participate in competitive napping. I would RULE in that sport.

    Thanks for rubbing in your wins/losses on WWF. Maybe you should play competitive rubbing noses in dirt!?!?!

    I used to be a synchronized swimmer. I even did competitions. It's a highly underrated sport. It's very difficult and requires physical stamina and breath control. They never show enough of that on TV.

  17. Ah, turns out Bulldog was a British thing. This is it: got banned in our school in the end - I think our bulldogs joined hands so those who hadn't been caught basically had to charge through a wall of kids. Quite brutal actually...

  18. I just realized this weekend canoeing is an actual Olympic sport O:-) Pretty sure I won't make the team, then.

    JAdamthwaite: Red Rover!!!!!

  19. I challenge you to rock-paper-scissors-lizard-spock. Haven't watched but a few minutes of the Olympics. I feel like a bad American. Time...

  20. TC: Ah! I always wondered what Red Rover was!