I have spent the past fifty-plus hours in an Olympicoma, defined by Bone-a-pedia as "an extended state of lethargy induced by four channels of nearly non-stop Olympic programming."
But it's a good lethargy.
Whilst watching Todd Rogers and Phil Dalhausser, my hair idol, dispose of another opponent this afternoon in men's beach volleyball, I began to ponder my own Olympic dreams. Sure, my greatest athletic accomplishments
have been documented. (Note: That becomes a better read the more bored you are.) But much like most areas of my life, I've always felt there was something missing.
And while I think we all agreed a couple years ago that my best shot was in curling, I've yet to actually throw a stone. Or even attend a curling game. So at this point we have to realistically ask: What if curling doesn't work out?
Therefore, I've been scouting these 2012 games for a sport in which I could excel. At first I thought maybe archery. After all, I really like the hats
. Then they said it takes fifty pounds of pressure to pull back the bow. On every shot!? Good heavens, I can barely do fifty push ups. Wait, is it barely, or hardly?
So I've decided it would be better to suggest some new events that might be added to the games, any one of which would in all likelihood allow me to realize my Olympic dream.
Co-Ed Water Polo (In Shallow Water) ~ I specify co-ed because I would feel
more than a little uncomfortable in a pool having physical contact with
fourteen guys all wearing our Speedos. But throw a few girls in there
and I might be OK. And shallow water because, look, we all know how to
swim, no one needs to prove anything. Plus, it would be much less
tiring. So, either shallow water or we all wear arm floaties. I'm fine with either.
Words With Friends ~ Since purchasing an iPhone a few weeks ago, I'm
like 40-2 in Words With Friends! Plus, this would make for great TV.
Imagine the drama, as players sat across the table from one another and
played on their phones: "Oh no, Jim. It looks like the Montenegro
contestant has lost service!" "I think you're right, Rowdy. My
Montenegrin is a little spotty, but I believe he just cursed his cell
provider. And quite colorfully, I might add."
NFL Two-Minute Drill ~ This is a football toss game they have at our Chuck E. Cheese. I can always achieve the Hall Of Fame bonus, which is like fifty tokens. It also makes an alarm go off, which was a little embarrassing the first few times, what with a couple of kids standing around and their parents already giving me the stink-eye because I'm hogging the game. But I got over it.
Nerf Free Throw Shooting ~ I once made 42 free throws in a row on my Nerf goal. And that's without even practicing very much. I have no idea how that stacks up with the world's greatest Nerf free throw shooters. And therein lies the tragedy.
Competitive Napping ~ Granted, this wouldn't make for great television. But are you gonna tell me the steeplechase is winning its time slot every night? (FYI steeplechasers, the water is in the same place every lap . Go around
it to save time.) I see competitive napping as a program of four or five events, similar to gymnastics. You would have couch napping, desk napping, the power nap, napping with noise. Competitors would be judged on length and soundness of nap, speed in getting to sleep, ability to sleep through an alarm, volume of drool, etc.
Wiffle Ball Field Hockey ~ As I assume none of you know what this is, let me explain. My sister and I would play this using Wiffle ball bats and a tennis ball. You just hit the ball with your bat and try to get it past your opponent's goal line (which for me was an invisible line running in both directions from the basketball goal in our backyard), all the while trying to keep your opponent from getting the ball past your goal. I dominated! Of course, I was like fourteen and my sister was seven. (What? I let her win, occasionally. Had to, or she wouldn't play anymore.)
Paper Football ~ I once scored 128 points in a paper football game
against my friend, Archie, during 10th grade biology class. I might've
scored even more, but Mister Whitmore caught us playing and threw our
football in the trash.
Scene-It Seinfeld ~ Since getting this for Christmas a few years ago, I'm undefeated. I'm sure you're surprised. No one will play me anymore. I'm not even kidding. Actually, I'm not entirely undefeated. That's because sometimes -- and I've never revealed this to anyone before now -- I play against myself. It's pretty intense. A lot like that scene in War Games
when Matthew Broderick makes the computer play tic-tac-toe against itself. Except the DEFCON level remains unaffected.
Are you listening IOC? And if none of those work, I have others: Putt-putt. Air hockey. Boggle, obviously. Rock-Paper-Scissors.
Just imagine, sitting in your living room, watching a still-good-looking-as-ever Bob Costas covering the 2016 Games in Rio. And you hear him refer to Bone as the "Michael Phelps of Co-Ed Water Polo - Shallow Water Division."
I think that's a dream we all have.
"There's nothing I know of in Rio / But it's something to do with the night /
It's only a whimsical notion / To fly down to Rio tonight / And I probably won't fly down to Rio /
But then again, I just might..."