Friday, December 09, 2011

When second base was but a distant dream

This is what I like to consider a motivational post.  Not really for you, but rather to hopefully motivate me to post something else soon so that this one doesn't remain at the top of the page.

Travel back with me if you will, to a simpler time: 1989.  Tone-Loc was in his prime.  I may or may not have still been tight-rolling my 550 Levis.  And I didn't know nearly as much about girls as I do now -- which, granted, still isn't... well, anyway.

I was teacher aide for Coach A's 8th grade social studies class.  I mean, come on -- a coach's class, 8th grade girls swooning (in my mind) over me, a junior -- I had it all.  Plus, I loved grading papers.  In fact, if I could go back and do it all over again, I'd have been a teacher.  Or a writer.  Or maybe a professional Scrabble player.

Anyway, for some reason, I had a rep as a good student, so Coach A would let me leave the classroom pretty much whenever I wanted.  It just so happens a girl I kinda liked was an office aide for the assistant principal at the same time.  (In fact, now that I think about it, it's possible the impetus for our entire "relationship" was that we were both aides during the same period.  Sigh.  Love was so simple then.)

So at some point during that year, we started sneaking out into the hall to make out.  To that point, it was the wildest thing I'd ever done.

There is but one caveat to this story:  we never used our tongues.

The first time was awkward, as you might imagine.  Subsequent make out sessions were downright uncomfortable.

Now some of you might be wondering, how is that even possible -- tongue-less making out?  Let me see if I can describe it.... You both have your mouths open.  Your lips are touching.  But nothing's crossing the border.

Now imagine doing that for what felt like... fifteen seconds.  Maybe thirty.  Each time.

It's kinda like non-invasive surgery.  Laparoscopic kissing!  That's what it was.

At this point it strikes me to ask the question, can it even be considered making out if you don't use your tongue?  I should create an urban dictionary term for a tongue-less make out session.  We could just called it a "bone."  Hmph, turns out that term is already in use.  Oh well.

Back to our story of young love, or... something.  As one might expect, with the absence of a papillae-and-taste bud-covered apparatus as part of our steamy 6th-period trysts, our romance fizzled within a few weeks.

I wonder if she ever told anyone about us.  What am I saying?  Of course she did.  Girls tell everything!  She probably told all the girls in our class, which might help explain why I only dated girls from other schools for the remainder of my high school career.  And suddenly I wonder if any of this had anything to do with my dating drought of '93!

It's good to reminisce, isn't it?

Today, anytime someone asks me to describe what it was like to be living in those days, to be, quote, "heading for the nineties, living in the wild, wild West," needless to say, this is not the story I tell.

(Editor's note: When I write the Revisionist History Of Me: Volume 4, I will have been thirteen years old when all this occurred, and she will have been sixteen.  And my babysitter.)

"Dancin' meant everything.  We were young and we were improvin'.  Laughin', laughin', with our friends.  Holdin' hands meant somethin', baby..."


  1. I love this post. Only you could have written it. It's hilarious and I know I will read it about ten more times
    No tongue kissing but you made out in school--only Bone!

  2. When I finished reading this, I just had to go find my Wild Wild West mp3. I couldn't find it and then realized that I was on the wrong playlist. Panic has been adverted and I'm listening to it right now for the first time in probably a decade. How did I let it go for so long?

  3. If my experience as a girl is indicative of anything, it's very possible she didn't run to her friends to natter about your tonguelessness. It could very well be it took another 6 years before she knew about tongue in the kiss at all. Maybe all her visions of kissing were based on Molly Ringwald and that studly "Jake Ryan" leaning over her birthday cake in the final scene of 16 CANDLES to join in a passionate final-scene tongueless smooch. So, see, she didn't even know about the tongue.

    Also, I'd totally forgotten about the illicit subculture of the Office Aid until this post. You just took me back to my year of opening private notes before I delivered them to social studies teachers.

  4. You know how I feel about this story- the funniest thing I've ever heard. And the most disturbing mental image of all time. I'm glad that you finally shared this with the world.

  5. reminds me of that Awkward first kiss on Virgin Diaries.

    I'm pretty sure that Jerry never had this problem. ;o)

  6. "we never used our tongues" You mean you didn't talk? (I will duck and run now and go off and write about making out with Cathy behind Roland Grice Jr. High, but first let me say, "Good post, Bone!"

  7. Ah, the sweet inferiority complexes of youth, eh? Jeez, I still get a nervous twitch just thinking back to those days..!

    Great post, Bone.

  8. Great post Bone. All fist kisses should be tongueless; especially when you are a teenager. Much sweeter that way.

    I love to read your posts they always make me smile/laugh.

  9. Good lord I love you. "Laparoscopic kissing!"

  10. Pia - Even I only read it six times, before posting :) Thank you!

    Ed - That song is also mentioned in the Wikipedia entry for the number forty-seven. I wonder whatever happened to those guys.

    Jocelyn - Should I admit I've never seen Sixteen Candles? I'm thinking probably not.

    Oh, it is a subculture! Good call.

    Cami - I just hope my sharing will someday give you the strength to share your "teacher lounge" story.

    Renee - Never saw Virgin Diaries. All I can think of for Jerry is when he dated the Romanian gymnast. Or maybe when he wouldn't kiss the girl whose toothbrush fell in the toilet.

    Sage - Behind the school? Ha! Amateur :)

    Shrinky - No twitching for me. But I may cringe a little. Thanks!

    PennyCandy - That would have been OK for a first kiss. It's just that there was no advancement with the second and third ones that was a little awkward. Also that our mouths were open the whole time :)

    Heather B - Thanks! Unfortunately, that's not what she said.

  11. Okay first you have to see Sixteen Candles; even my husband thinks it is a cute movie. Second your comments are just as funny as the original post. Third when you finally publish your "Boneism" book I would so like a signed copy.

  12. I agree. You need to see Sixteen Candles. It's a John Hughes staple.

  13. this was the kiss I was thinking of, scroll down for the video...

  14. 'The Revisionist History of Me' - love that idea: you need to write it. With exactly that title. Really enjoyed this post - it made me smile :)

  15. HA! SO funny!

    Favorite line...I may or may not have still been tight-rolling my 550 Levis.

    I can't say I ever made out in school. HAHA!

  16. Too many good lines Bone. Thanks for this.

  17. I thought it might be the first double you got story, but it turned into a a hilarious singles-for-dummies story. No tongue! What a novel concept! Being your age, love the music ref.

    I still think you can be a writer....;) Teaching does not pay. ;) Merry Xmas, and successful doubles and triples or jacks this holiday! (We all need dreams...and realities to boot!)

  18. This is funnier each time I read it though the revisionist history of me...something mighty familiar about that :) We really do have to study whether friends who blog together....

    You get called funny and I get called muy loco!

  19. Great designs. I have always loved wearing tees. They are the best clothing one can wear and feel comfortable. I remember when I bought my first vintage t-shirt. It was the happiest day of my life ah! memories.

  20. I love it, thanks for the laugh!