Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Labor pains

In an uncertain world, isn't it comforting to know there are certain inalienable truths about guys you can always count on? 

For example, we prefer long hair.  (That doesn't mean we hate your short hair, it just means we like long hair better.)  We despise asking anyone for directions and consider getting lost a much more attractive option.  We forget things.  (Or sometimes just don't pay attention when we're told the thing in the first place.  Same diff.)  And we are unable to bear children.

But regarding the latter, I tell you this, friends: I came as close as any of my uterus-challenged counterparts ever has this past weekend.

I'm referring, of course, to the Alabama-LSU game.  #1 versus #2.  The so-called Game of the Century.

I've written before to some length as to the near-constant state of anxiety and stress I'm under while watching a Bama game.  But never had I heard it put so perfectly until discussing the game with a friend last week, when she said, "This game will be like birthing a child for you."

Yes!  Finally, someone who gets me.  That's it exactly.  And before anyone gets offended by me comparing childbirth to a football game, let's remember -- this is Alabama.  Also, the comment came from a girl who has a child.  So, I think she would know.  And I have email documentation.  So I will not allow these "birther" questions to derail my campaign for comedy.

I'd say the contractions probably started sometime on Thursday.  When the big day arrived on Saturday, I was beyond nervous, as I'm sure any woman in my situation would be.  I had chosen to do a home birth at LJ's with he and Wolfgang serving as my trusted, if primitive, midwives.  I also decided not to use any sedatives or other medication during the procedure.  That may have been a serious mistake.

As for the labor itself, it was even more painful than I expected.  Four hours of yelling, banging, whining, and possibly a little cursing.  Just before halftime, Wolfgang's wife took her two daughters and went home.  (What?  Was it something I said/threw/yelled?)  Take that as a lesson.  Childbirth is no place for women and children.  The irony of which doesn't escape me.

In the end, imagine my horror as a baby resembling Les Miles emerged wearing a god-awful white LSU cap, and I realized Nick Saban was not the father.  For days I lay listless.  Unfeeling.  In a haze.  Only now am I able to speak of it.

If all that wasn't enough, I gained a pound over the weekend.  Don't you just hate those guys who have kids and never gain an ounce?  Hussies!

And now I'm reading there's a slight chance there could be a rematch?!  Oy.  My now-hollow insides are hurting just thinking about it.  I don't know if I can handle a second one. 

I may have to take a Lamaze class.  Or do some Kegels.

"Who dat is?  That's just my baby daddy..."


  1. Bone, I am crying reading this... and LOL'n - you my friend are now in full on postpartum depression...

    until the second birth!!!!

  2. I'm still not convinced...but then I've never experienced football like this.

    by the way...did you need stitches afterward?

  3. You are so ridiculous. I'm sorry you got knocked up by Les Miles. You should probably stop being so promiscuous.

    I am literally laughed out loud reading this- I feel your pain. As a childless woman, I'm assuming that childbirth will be this painful one day. I cannot fathom anything more painful- so that makes sense.

  4. I figured you must have been taking it pretty hard since it has been four days since the game. I had no idea how hard though until now.

  5. I though this was hilarious. But I think you just made yourself into a male mommy (to be) blogger so I'm not sure we can be friends anymore--between the brilliance of your writing and the solidarity of mommy bloggers there will be no place for the rest of us
    I did LMAO though

  6. Daily Panic - Crying? Well, I suppose this was a bit like watching A Baby Story on TLC... uh, not that I would know.

    Thanks for the inspiration!

    Renee - I'm going to have to produce a birth certificate before you will believe me, aren't I?

    Stitches? *cringe* I don't really like needles.

    Cami - Promiscuous. Good word!

    Well, I figure it's the closest I'll ever come. Unless maybe I have kidney stones. Or the dreaded catheter. *triple cringe*

    Ed - Pretty hard, yes. And unfortunately, the Family Leave Act makes no provisions for this sort of thing. So I had to go back to work on Monday.

    Pia - Thanks! Does this mean I can attend BlogHer next year?

  7. Oh my every time I read one of your football stories. I laugh but I also shake my head because I really do not understand why I am laughing about football.

  8. LOL...Bone, I think you should've opted for the epidural. At least it would've numbed your pain! (oh wait, you don't like needles...never mind) :P

  9. Was this the 2011 version of Rosemary's Baby?

  10. Aww, there, there, next time is never as hard as the first (you'll know to take every drug they throw at you). Here's to the pitter-patter of better, more successful boots.

    Too funny!

  11. I don't know about football or childbirth, but would you rather get directions from someone with long hair or short hair?

  12. Your campaign for comedy is in full swing!!

    I'm glad you made it through the birth alive (you know there are many that lose their lives.)

    And for more comic relief to help you in your post-partum haze, please tune in to the PSU v. Nebraska game. There's guaranteed to be shenanigans. It's State College after all!!

  13. PennyCandy - I think maybe you're not really laughing about football, per se. Because from my point of view, there was definitely nothing funny about the football itself :)

    Sherri B - Do they have oral epidurals? Or is that, by definition, impossible?

    Sage - LOL Good call, my fellow uterus-challenged friend.

    Shrinky - I've heard that. Definitely saying "yes" to any and all medications next time.


    MarkD60 - I don't think I'm gonna touch that one.

    Carnealian - I gotta say, I know football's far from the most important thing in that situation, but for some reason I was kinda rooting for Penn State today.

  14. I'm still trying to picture the afterbirth.

    May the breastfeeding of your television set go easily and well, with no clogged ducts.