I never thought I'd love that way again.
The year was 1993. I wasn't long out of high school. There were tears in my eyes when the burly bartender I'd been seeing for several years came to the door and said, "Cheers is closed."
A part of me died that day. A part of me that was young and innocent, idealistic and hopeful. But somehow I managed to pick up the pieces and move on from my first real love. I found a new guy. Single, thin, neat, early thirties. Well actually it was more of a group thing. Him and his friends, and me. A little different, but I wasn't complaining.
In fact, things were great for a few years. Until he and his friends got into some legal trouble up in Massachusetts. After they were all thrown in prison, I was back on my own. Like a Whitesnake song. But this time I was certain, that I'd never love again.
And then I met him.
When I first encountered him, he was a 40-year-old virgin. I found him only tolerably amusing, and a bit over-the-top. By the time we began our weekly Thursday night trysts, he was way over-the-top. Never did I ever think I would soon come to love this man.
I'm speaking of course of Steve Carell, aka Michael Scott.
The new season of The Office begins tonight. And it will do so without its fearless leader, now former leader. They say the show must go on. But I, for one, don't see how it can. Michael Scott was to The Office what Gene Frenkle was to Blue Oyster Cult, what Trapper John was to Trapper John M.D., and Bob Barker was to The Price Is Right. That show hasn't been funny at all since Barker left.
If you watched The Office you already know what I'm talking about. If you didn't watch The Office, if you've never seen Michael Scott in all his glory, I have to wonder, have you ever really loved at all? Did I say loved? I meant laughed.
While I cannot enumerate all the ways Michael Scott was great -- for that would take far too much time and typing -- I would be remiss if I failed to mention his signature joke and crowning achievement: "That's what she said."
Michael Scott single-handedly brought "That's What She Said" and it's internet shorthand counterpart, TWSS, into the daily vernacular. You'd be hard-pressed today to find a message board frequented by juvenile men (and women) that doesn't have a TWSS reference. It's a timeless, if slightly immature, joke. Brilliant both in its simplicity and versatility. I try to fit it in wherever I can..........
So before we move on -- and some of us never will -- let us look back and remember, Michael Gary Scott. A man I will miss. A man who has ruined all other men for me.
Here are a few selected Michael Scott quotes for your enjoyment:
- "It’s how I like to do business,
everybody joking around. It’s like Friends. I am Chandler, and Joey. Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer."
- "I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her?
Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband, or you took a
random poll, yeah, it's wrong."
- "You know what eats a large
amount of the day are naps. You go to sleep it's light out, you wake
up it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no
- "I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time my
best friend was my grandmother. And then she met Harriet. And now she
thinks she better than everybody."
- "A boss’s salary isn’t just about money. It’s about
perks. For example, every year I get a $100 gas card. Can’t put a price
- "My philosophy is basically this.
And this is something that I live by, and I always have. And I always
will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything, to anyone, for any
reason, ever, no matter what, no matter where, or who or who you are
with, or or where you are going, or where you've been. Ever. For any
- "Jim is like Big Bird. He is tall and yellow and
very nice. But would I put him in charge? No. I don't think so. Big Bird
doesn't make the tough decisions. If I was gonna put someone in charge, I
would put Bert in charge. Or I would put one of the real grown-ups in
charge, like Maria or Gordon, maybe."
- "How do you tell somebody that you care
about deeply, 'I told you so.' Gently with a rose? In a funny way, like
it's a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go, because saying it would
just make things worse? ... Probably the funny way."
- "I don't need to be friends with Pam. I have plenty of female
friends. My mom. Pam's mom. My aunt... although she just blocked me on
IM. What's her face, from Quiznos? I see her like four times a week."
- "A boss is like a teacher. And I am like
the cool teacher, like Mister Handell. Mister Handell would hang out
with us and he would tell us awesome jokes and he... actually hooked up
with one of the students. And then like twelve other kids came
forward. It was in all the papers. Really ruined eighth grade for us."
Best of luck, Michael, in your new life with Holly in Colorado. Oh who am I kidding? This is going to suck! It's going to be like when Bo and Luke left Dukes Of Hazzard and were replaced by Coy and Vance, times a hundred!
I'll miss your mispronunciations and your song parodies, your women's pants and your man-crush on Ryan (and possibly Jim), your Dundie Awards and Scott's Tots, Prison Mike and Date Mike, Lazy Scranton and the Golden Ticket idea, your fake suicide attempt and real George Foreman grill foot injury, the Michael Scott Paper Company and Threat Level Midnight, and perhaps most of all, your uncanny ability to always say the wrong thing and make even the most seemingly benign situation painfully uncomfortable.
I'll miss you, Michael. In the immortal words of one James Halpert, "You always left me satisfied and smiling."
(sniff) That's what she said.
"I wish you the best. And I wish you nothing less than everything you've ever dreamed of. And I hope that you find love along the way. But most of all, I wish you'd stay..."