Wednesday, October 12, 2011

More to love

What did you do this summer?  Travel?  Swim?  Tan?  Work?  Post four thousand Facebook statuses?  Nothing?

Well, that's all better than what I did. 

I, Bone, gained weight.  Between the months of April and September, I packed on not nine, not ten, but ELEVEN pounds.  Thus putting me at the heaviest weight of my life.  Which would be great if I were a boxer and trying to move up a weight class, but I'm not.  I thought briefly about boxing when I was younger, but I have a fear of getting punched.  So I stuck to Mike Tyson's Punch-Out on the Nintendo.  Don Flamenco, Bald Bull, Soda Popinski -- those were more my speed.  But anyway, I'm getting off track here.

Thus was the summer of my stomach's great content.  I did not exercise much.  Well, I played lots of Word Mole and online Scrabble, but apparently mental exercise doesn't count so much when it comes to weightier matters.  All the while imbibing carbonated beverages like they were about to make them available by prescription only.  What did I expect?

My abs have gone from not-quite-six-pack to she's-just-starting-to-show.  The taut pre-teen Swedish boy body is no more.

So where do I go from here?  I mean, Richard Simmons is not walking through my door.  Believe me, I've tried.  I've written him like three times.

It wasn't at all a surprise to me that I had gained weight over the summer.  I knew.  I was dreading and putting off stepping on the scales.  What has been a surprise, however, is how immensely difficult the pounds have been to shed.

I started eating (slightly) better and running (a lot) more.  I've been doing that for three or four weeks now.  Grand total weight loss in that time?  Three pounds.  Double-you-tee-eff?  Has gravity increased or something in the last few years?  They really should do some research on that.

I'm starting to think this may be the hardest thing I've ever done.  I'm not even kidding.  To understand that, you must understand something about me: I tend to shy away from anything that appears even slightly difficult. 

Oh, also, for years, I lived in a carefree world where things like calories and the future were something for other people to worry about.  I had a metabolism somewhere between an Olympic swimmer and a hummingbird.  As long as I ran two or three times a week, I could pretty much eat anything I wanted.  And indeed, I did.

But now it appears that era of my life has come to a close.  My hummingbird days are over.

Let us mourn the death of my metabolism.

"My next thirty years, I'm gonna watch my weight.  Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late..."


  1. I'm sorry your hummingbird days are over. Welcome to the real world.
    This post was another hilarious one

  2. from the pictures I've seen of you, you could stand to put on some just need to exercise to make it go to all the right places.
    Yes loosing our metabolism is terrible...I've been without one for about 15 years or so.

  3. Reality sucks no.
    My soccerboy did the same thing this summer
    instead getting ahead by running more
    he sat and ate.
    But since he is a young teen
    in no time was he back in shape.
    Oh to be young again.

    Good luck with your return
    may I suggest
    eating steel cut oats. Super yummy and good for you

  4. Welcome to my world, Bone...I was just like you when I was in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. I could eat whatever I wanted as long as I exercised a little bit. As 50 approaches, I merely look at food and gain a pound. What makes it worse is that I'm a very small person, so a few pounds on me looks like 10 on someone else! Good luck with your efforts...don't be too hard on yourself, you hear? :)

    Sherri (Sweetest in the Gale)

  5. Can we mourn the death of mine too? It's a few years late but still... the problem I have is that I don't actually enjoy exercising (apart from walking, but you have to do an awful lot of that for it to be useful!) There's hope for you: it doesn't sound like running turns you into a shaking, puffy heap weeping in the corner. Me, on the other hand...

  6. Being a runner I probably don't need to tell you this but as well as the running you really should be doing strength building exercises, too. Even if it's nothing but a ton of push-ups 3 times a week you need to increase your muscle mass in order to increase your resting caloric consumption rate. That's a phrase I may have made up, or I may have read somewhere, I don't know. Either way it means you need to get stronger because more muscle means more calories get burned ALL the time, not just when you're working out.

    I lost 30 pounds and dropped from about 24% body fat to about 15% but that was all due to pure cardio, zero strength building. That means that 30 lbs was NOT all fat; a lot of it was muscle tissue. Now that I'm not dieting and not so lax about what I'm eating I'm in danger of rubber banding not just back to my previous weight but beyond it, because at 170 lbs I no longer have the muscle mass I had at 210 lbs so my resting caloric consumption rate has decreased so I need to be even more careful now about what I put into my body, and how much I workout.

    Check out Kellan Lutz' insane push-up technique for some mind-blowing inspiration. Captain America's Chris Evans workout is another excellent example.

  7. "..Thus was the summer of my stomach's great content."

    Can I steal that line? Sod it, I'm going to anyway.

    Sorry to gloat, I weigh the same today as I did on my wedding day, and after four kids in (and NO, I was NOT an obese bride)! However.. I did gain and lose 4st in between, so I'm not entirely without some empathy here.

    Keep with it, you're already well on your way to the hummingbird days again.

  8. Pia - Thanks. They had to end sometime, I guess. So is this adulthood? :)

    Renee - Too bad I can't blame it on eating too much non-fat yogurt. I've started eating more fruit, so watch out. Pulp can move, baby!

    Also, I don't wanna be a 34. So I'm trying my best to stay a 33.

    KittyCat - Steel cut oats? They don't really sound that delicious :) The only oats I ever really liked were the Quaker oats in the cardboard can. And I always added a little sugar to them.

    Sherri - I think it finally hit home with me when I saw something on TV that said it was like carrying around a 10-lb. bag of potatoes constantly. Something about that motivated me.

    Thanks :) I do tend to get easily discouraged, I think.

    J Adamthwaite - Yes, let's mourn together. After all, there's comfort in numbers. I've tried mixing in some walking with my running. But walking doesn't seem to do anything for me. Or maybe I don't walk long enough or fast enough.

    Cap'n John - 30 pounds??? That's like the two-minute-mile.

    Thanks for the advice. I have some dumbbells and I've been doing some ab work, too. Some days I'll mix in some push-ups, but I imagine I'm probably not doing them correctly.

    I've also wondered if not getting enough sleep can affect weight loss?

    Shrinky - I was way too proud of that line :)

  9. I so understand I never had to worry about weight until this year. Men always get rid of unwanted weight faster than women so you will be slim and trim in no time.

    You made me laugh...which was a good thing until I started coughing....not a good thing.

  10. You should probably drive over to Tuscaloosa and go to practice one day. You'd probably lose 11 pounds in a day. Or you'd die. Either way, it wouldn't be a problem any more :)

  11. As Pia said, "Welcome to the real world!" Good post!

  12. I hear a couple of mouthfuls of cabbage a day keeps the pounds away.

    The good news is, your writing does not appear to have been affected by your new found "not so bonyness".

    As for posting at the same time, I believe you posted 10 hours earlier than I, as is usually the case with Doppelgangers.

  13. "...abs have gone from not-quite-six-pack to she's-just-starting-to-show..."

    So when are you due?!!!

    (running away!!!)


  14. See, the glory in being the "chubby chick" all through school is starting to happne around this time in our lives when all the skinny kids start packing on the pounds. I'm not happy that YOU are gaining weight but certainly it's nice for naturally skinny folk to realize how hard it truly is. I never had a metabolism, I love to eat and I don't like to exercise...and thus my problem. :D

    Oh and the security word below here is "glutica." I think I shall start to refer to your ever expanding butt as that from now on. :D

  15. My abs have gone from not-quite-six-pack to she's-just-starting-to-show.
    Great line!

    You will be fine. We've discussed this. How is the running going?

  16. Really good writing...I surfed in and just kept reading and reading..

  17. Thank you for sharing this and making me realize that there is a god. ;-) Perhaps the old adage "More cushion for the pushin'" will make you feel a bit better..or maybe that doesn't apply to men now that I think about it....

  18. PennyCandy - I definitely have a new appreciation for anyone who has lost or is trying to lose weight.

    Cami - Oh, for sure. I think I lose half a pound just listening to Scott Cochran yell.

    Sage - I think maybe I liked the non-real world better.

    Cooper - I'm sure the 10-hour delays was just a ploy to throw everyone off. Off what, I'm not sure.

    Gautami - Oh, you better run after saying that... although I probably couldn't catch you anyway :)

    Carnealian - Glutica Maximus. That's me. Kinda sounds like one of the Transformers.

    OKChick - Thanks. It's going OK. I'm not quite as lightning fast as I used to be.

    Jill - Thank you! That's a very nice compliment.

    Murf - I just blog. If, by chance, that helps affirm someone's faith in the Almighty along the way, all the more better.

  19. Bone,
    I would never notice your weight gain.. and the fact I've never seen you, I can honestly say, I like you for your brain! Dont lose your wit and charm, it could profoundly affect our relationship. ;)