Sunday, October 03, 2010

A wedding and a funeral

The Darryls have passed away.

Time of death was around 2:15, Saturday, September 25th. That's when the onset of wedded bliss stole the last gasps of air from Independent Wolfgang. Though honestly, Independent Wolfgang had been on life support for quite awhile. I mean he hadn't played golf since the spring, for crying out loud.

And without two Darryls, you really have no Darryls. It'd be like Bert with no Ernie, pancakes with no syrup, B.J. with no The Bear. Maybe that's why LJ didn't show up for the wedding. He claimed he had to work. But I wouldn't be surprised if it was all just too much to handle.

So RIP Darryls. It's the end of an era, and thus closes an entertaining, if occasionally disturbing, chapter of my life. But this is not my misty-water-colored-memories ode to the Darryls post. Oh no, that will come later, after a period of mourning. Besides, like I (would have) said in my wedding toast (had they asked me to make one), "This too shall pass."

In the end, I wasn't asked to be a groomsman -- there were no groomsmen. But I did attend, largely because the chapel was about three minutes from my place. And since I know many of you were deeply concerned about me possibly having to miss the Bama/Arkansas game, I have prepared a rudimentary timeline for you of the day's events:

1:45 PM - Arrive at chapel, see Wolfgang outside, pose for picture. What? No, I'm not family. Apparently I wasn't supposed to be in that picture.

1:47 PM - Enter wrong door. There were girls in dresses in there. What were they doing? I don't know. I heard giggling. Were they laughing at me? Hard to say. Close door.

1:48 PM - Find correct door. Enter and take seat near the back and at the end of the pew in case a quick exit becomes necessary.

1:50 PM - Have's gamecast pulled up on my Blackberry ready to go. I thought headphones would be too obvious. Seriously rethinking that right about now.

1:59 PM - I began to grow fidgety. When is this thing going to start? Why do weddings always start late?

2:00 PM - Music starts. Ah, that's what I'm talking about. Let's get this show on the road and get this poor bastard married off.

2:09 PM - Why is the unity candle song always so long? Everything is done, then the couple are standing there awkwardly for two-and-a-half minutes waiting for the song to end. All you're really doing is giving both of them time to rethink their decision. I mean, how long does it take to light three candles? Fifteen seconds. They should play Taps. That would be about the right length.

2:14 PM - I think about the parking lot. If someone has me blocked in there will be a crime committed today. Probably more than one.

2:20 PM - I do! And the congregation shouted "Hallelujah!" Or just I shouted, with my inside voice.

2:22 PM - What's this? The preacher is making some kind of announcement. The bride and groom will be back in a few minutes? In the meantime, entertain yourselves? OK, that's it, I'm outta here!

2:23 PM - Crap, here they come.

2:28 PM - Thinking I still have time to get some wedding cake, I work my way towards the reception area, and manage to nonchalantly break into the cake line, in front of the flower girls.

2:33 PM - Shake hands with Wolfgang. Wave goodbye to the bride. Simultaneously.

2:38 PM - Get home, turn on the TV, which I had purposely left on CBS in order to save precious seconds.

2:39 PM - They haven't kicked off yet! Vern Lundquist's face never looked so beautiful.

2:40 PM - 6:00 PM - A constant state of anxiety, interspersed with outbursts of cursing, table-banging, and brief moments of relief. (You'd think I was the one getting married.)

So to recap: Wolfgang got married. I was there -- for a little while. My coffee table is still in tact. And the Darryls are dead.

At least I have Nick Saban to console me on a weekly basis.

"Another chapter of my life its over. No, I'm never gonna feel like that again. Time's rushin' by me like the wind. Never be as young as I was then..."


  1. I watched the entire Alabama/Arkansas game on the CBSsports app on my iphone DURING MY COUSIN'S WEDDING/RECEPTION.

    Seriously, who gets married during football season?

  2. Congratulations to the happy couple. I'm so glad that you were able to make an appearance Bone.

    If someday there is a Mrs Bone, I know that she will be properly informed that if she plans a wedding for Football season that her groom will not be in attendance. ;o)

    Yesterday hubs & I went shopping for windows (yeah, window shopping for actual windows!) and the Rockies game was on. So hubs has the radio tuned in and is yelling at the game. I politely suggest that perhaps he would be happier listening to music as the Rockies suck this year...but of course that didn't go over very well.

    Luckily we got to the window place and hubs missed out on most of the misery of his team getting their butts handed to them.

  3. 5 games passed- we are almost half way through the season and this is the first football post??... well kinda. What is distracting you??
    Glad you went to the wedding.

  4. I think I figured out why you are still single Bone.

  5. I agree with Ed! Mystery solved ;) LOL

    Also, Renee, I kinda think any future Mrs. Bone would almost demand a football wedding. Afterall, what better way to prove he really loves her?

    2:00 PM - Music starts. Ah, that's what I'm talking about. Let's get this show on the road and get this poor bastard married off.

    Best line in the whole post. Hilarious.

    I love that you titled it "A wedding and a funeral," by the way. My Dad always calls weddings funerals... he's been known to give sympathy cards in lieu of wedding cards. No lie. He's told me if I ever manage to get married, the future Mr. TC will be receiving a sympathy card. Nice, huh?

  6. Cami - Seriously, who gets married during football season?

    Thank you!

    Also, I gotta get an iPhone.

    Renee - Exactly. Maybe we could Skype the ceremony. During halftime.

    Does DH paint his face? Gotta support the team.

    Daily Panic - I know. I wanted to write about attending the Bama/Penn State game, with Bowden and Paterno there, but just haven't gotten around to it.

    I guess football is distracting me from writing about football?

    Ed - True story: I was engaged once. We were talking about setting a date. She picked the day of an Alabama game. I said no way. And yada yada yada, I'm no longer engaged.

    TC - I see it differently. What better way to prove she loves me than choosing a benign Saturday in May or March or something. (Just not A-Day.)

    Of course, if I did agree to get married on the day of a Bama game, I would have so much relationship capital built up that I'd be able to get anything I wanted for years. That IS how it works, right?

  7. So glad you got to watch the game.

    I think weddings suck and are a big waste of time.

    oh and a big waste of m o n e y!

  8. Oh poor Bone. You made me laugh though and I really needed to

    I've been thinking a lot about 37 because it was the end of eras for me and the beginning of new ones. Kind of how life works I guess. And it's never 35 or 40 or some year you would expect the changes but some nothing odd number. Go figure
    My wv is prizi--sorta like prizi's honor

  9. I'm surprised you didn't just leave the TV on when you left. What would you have done if something happened to either your remote control and the power button or the power button directly on the TV? Way too risky. ;-)

  10. I am so glad to hear that you didn't miss your game! You say that The Daryls are dead, but you might be surprised. This marriage thing just might open a very different, but interesting chapter...

    Love the timetable style, btw:)

  11. My anniversary falls during THE biggest racing weekend of the year. At the time, I had no idea. That's love. (Pretty big when your spouse works for NASCAR.) I don't think I could have gotten him to agree to a football game day, but being from AL, I knew better.

  12. For a moment — less than a moment really, a millisecond — my heart, I thought someone has died.

    I'm glad you has such a great time at the wedding Bone.;)

    You might want to start that book, the one about the chapter of your life that has just ended.

  13. Wow, "This too shall pass" would have been a toast to raise some brows.

    If it had been my wedding, you'd probably be shouting "You too, Brutus?" (it was on the ides of March)

  14. btw, I did see some of the Alabama/Florida game and some friends from here son just started as a freshman at Alabama... So many from Alabama came up here to hang bumpers on cars (a parapharase from a Ricky Bragg quote), now they heading back.

  15. I watched the whole game! GREAT GAME...bad ending (for me), but good game. I've been meaning to email you for like a week so we can talk about the game. Sorry...will do that today.

    I'm happy you made it the wedding, and very impressed with your time management skills.

  16. lol, Bone...this made me laugh. Thanks, I needed that. (And thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words on my blog.) I'm so glad you got home in time for the game!

  17. SoccerMom - I think weddings suck and are a big waste of time.

    Kinda like a prom for adults.

    And yes, I hear they can be quite expensive.

    Pia - I hope this doesn't mean my prolonged twenties are over. Well, at least 37 is a prime number.

    Glad I made you laugh. I kinda strive to do that.

    Murf - Good point. It was a risk. I think the fear of something catching on fire outweighed the chances that I wouldn't be able to get the TV back on.

    I usually try to have two back-up locations to watch the game each week.

    Actonbell - A married Darryl could be entertaining, no doubt.


    Kontan - but being from AL, I knew better

    Exactly! It's just understood :)

    Cooper - I'm glad you has such a great time at the wedding Bone

    Thanks. I was a little concerned that didn't come through in the post ;)

    My sincerest apologies for the millisecond thing.

    Sage - It's a wonder I don't get asked to toast more often.

    Oh, I definitely would have.

    Your friends sound like fine people :)

    OK Chick - Oh, don't worry, I saw your "Go Hogs" post on Facebook.

    Well, as I like to say, I can do anything I put my mind to, if there's an Alabama game involved.

    Sweetest In The Gale - Well, thank you! And you're welcome.

    Gee, if I didn't know better, I'd say we've started up our own mutual admiration society :)

  18. truly, the end of an era. I'll miss the stories. They were truly entertaining.

  19. Bone, You have to make a new post now, after Saturday's game! We feel your pain and are upset with Alabama for giving SC undue credit! (see my post from yesterday)

  20. On another note, I wanted to let you know, that I have had to shut down my site for a tiny bit. I have had been getting threats and harrassed.
    I might even have to open a whole new blog. who knows.
    Just wanted to let you know.
    I hope you dont forget about me. Ill keep visiting your site. TIll things are taken care.
    Oh yeah and happy freakin Monday!