Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Into a cup, in the middle of the day

It's the continuing saga of the struggle of one blog to survive. I think I'm ready to proclaim next month Blogust. I just hope we make it that long. In other news completely unrelated to my lack of blogging, my current FreeCell record is 353-28, while my most consecutive games won is 44.

In attempting to recreate the 4th of July this year, I severely misunderestimated the difficulty in finding fifty-six people to wear powdered wigs. Actually, you could have ended that last sentence after "people" and it would have been just as true. So instead, we decided to try and recreate last year's 4th of July celebration: canoe ride, small-town fireworks display, etc.

Well, that went about as well as a Kanye West awards show improvisation. I think I may have been a bit overconfident in my canoe skills after last year's five-hour virtuoso performance, because we hadn't been on the water fifteen minutes this year when we tipped over.

Fortunately, we were able to salvage two left flip-flops, two now-completely-soaked-and-therefore-useless towels, my Gilligan hat (it refuses to die!), both paddles, and most importantly, the cooler. Because honestly, the main thing getting me out on that river was the promise of a sandwich, a snack and a Sun Drop.

Turning the canoe back over was a bit of a challenge and took me four or five tries. But I refused to give up, because all I kept thinking is how embarrassing it would have been to have to call the canoe guy to come and get us. That would be quite emasculating. And if there's one thing I am, it's masculating.

Anyway, I can officially cross "tipping a canoe" off my bucket list, although it wasn't actually on my bucket list. I guess I can go back and add it... posthumously. I don't think that's the right word.

It had started to rain the last hour or so of the canoe trip and it continued to rain until sometime the next day, forcing them to postpone the fireworks show. So we went home and watched the fireworks on PBS with Reba McEntire and some actor I didn't know who looked a little bit like a taller, more serious Rob Schneider.

I entertained myself by reading the hometown gazette. The sheriff's report (blotter?) was particularly interesting. It included, among other things:

"There were twelve deer/vehicle incidents reported in the past week."

"Mrs. Carolyn New called to report that a turkey flew into her windshield on Highway 80 Tuesday evening. She wasn't injured but her windshield will have to be replaced."

"Someone reported several cows out off of Highway 11 Thursday evening."

The next day when we came up on a horse which had apparently become detached from an Amish buggy, I said that we should call the sheriff to report it. But I was outvoted, 1 to 1.

There was one final highlight to my Independence Day weekend. A personal milestone, if you will. For the first time in nearly four years, I peed into a bottle, in the car. Apparently I feel compelled to document each time this happens, as I wrote about it the last time, too.

I'm going to pretend that twice in the past four years makes me a bit of an expert on the topic of in-vehicle evacuation, at least among this focus group. So I would like to close today with a few tips I think you will find quite helpful:

First, you want to make sure you have plenty of hand sanitizer. And a good-sized container, large enough to handle the, um, output. I don't have to tell you that it is both nearly impossible and excruciatingly painful to try and cut off the faucet midstream.

You might also want to move to the backseat, or make the other person or persons in the vehicle promise not to look, lest you suffer stage fright and be unable to perform. Been there, was unable to do that.

Next, you want to make sure that the outlet is entirely above the receptacle, and that the receptacle is as close to straight up as possible. This might require some awkward body positioning, but will ensure that you are able to use the full capacity of the receptacle, and it should also make aiming easier. Trust me.

And finally, what if you're not a male? Well, I imagine that could be a tad more difficult.

"And when that summer sun starts to beatin' down and you don't know what to do, grab your swimming trunks, ice up that old Igloo, and drive until the map turns blue..."


  1. My town's firework show was almost canceled as well, due to rain. It must have rained every where. It sounds like you had a nice weekend.

    I haven't canoed in many years. I might need to add this to my Summer Activities List. Yes, there is a Summer Activities List. It's like a Bucket List for summer, not that this is my last summer.

  2. I came from a county that made NBC's evening news for arresting stray cows on the highway. Your sheriff's report could be the twin of the one in our local rag.

    I had to turn a canoe over in the middle of a lake for a boyscout merit badge. Anytime I have tipped over in the nearly 30 years since, I think that has happened perhaps only once unintentionally, I simply pulled it to the nearest shore. MUCH easier.

  3. our fireworks were canceled due to rain also. Like OK Chick, I think it rained everywhere on the 4th.

    I hear that cow tipping is supposed to be more fun than canoe tipping.

    and your adventures in bottle peeing remind me of my hubby's adventures while in the hospital. He would have rather gotten out of bed and walked to the bathroom (not 3 feet from the end of his bed) but the nurses REFUSED to allow him out of bed. So he had to engineer how to use the bottle while laying prone in the bed. Luckily they had an absorbent pad under him. Poor guy, being in the hospital is totally emasculating!

  4. My town's fireworks was an hour and half late and horrible though usually great because apparently the man coordinating it hurt his hand
    Oh Bone you make me laugh so much--the explanation of peeing is priceless. Harder much harder for women :)

  5. OKC - I think you should. It's a pretty good workout. And an even better one if you have to get out a couple of times and push the canoe across trees that are completely blocking the river.

    I thought for awhile this was going to be your last summer as a bachelorette :)

    Ed - When I was little, my parents did Neighborhood Watch for like a summer, and I would ride with them. About the most exciting thing that ever happened was the night a cow had gotten out.

    Ah, pulling the canoe to shore. Yes, that would have made much more sense. Unfortunately, that never once crossed my mind. Maybe next time, if there is a next time.

    Renee - How do you know about cow tipping? Oh right, you used to be from the South. Yep, it's right up there with snipe hunting.

    Ugh. Poor DH. Isn't that a direct violation of his rights? If it isn't, it should be.

    Pia - Thanks!

    Yeah, since 90% of my commenters are female, I was wondering how much help my helpful tips were going to be :)

  6. Remind me not to ask you to partner me in a canoe race.

    I'm a little envious of that pee in the bottle thing.

  7. LOL...your tips on in-vehicle evacuation were hilarious. I've never been in a canoe for the very reason that tipping over would scare me to death. So sorry that the rain put a damper on your fireworks, Bone. It sure didn't put a damper on your humor, which is on fire as always. :~)

  8. WHAT last summer as a bachelorette? Never. I'm waiting until I get my own show. I can see it now....

    The Summer OK Chick Found Love.
    "Tune in next week as OK Chick takes two guys hiking up a hill in southern OK. Will one of the guys make it to the top with a rose?"

  9. I was outvoted, 1 to 1.

    ROFL Oh Bone. This post was hilarious throughout, but I started to cry I was laughing so hard at that line.

    The police blotter reminds me of my friends Dogg and Judge. Dogg has to travel to a small town in Northern Wisconsin for work once every few months and while he was there, he got really into reading their paper, The [Town Name] Chronicle. The Blotter reads a lot like your example. Anyway, either he or Judge ended up getting a subscription to the paper they loved reading these entries so much. I've been with them, and sometimes it takes them an hour to get through a page they are laughing so hard. They're convinced some of them are made up, but as I grew up in a town whose newspaper posts "weekly gossip" including who stopped in to visit certain people in town, I'm pretty sure these stories are 100% accurate :)

    Also, just be glad you could pee in a bottle. I'm afraid that's not going to happen in my world.

    Great to see a post from you.

    PS: My word verification is "moran." They're not trying to tell me something slightly misspelled, are they?

  10. when I hold my blog reunion canoe trip, I'm putting you in the boat with Murf! As for the tips, I could have gone a lifetime without that much trivia. But I laughed.

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  12. go-girl.com

    And to answer your next question, no, I don't own one.

    and no, I've never used one either.

  13. Cooper - You should be. It's one of the main advantages of our kind.

    Sweetest In The Gale - Fortunately, I could touch in the spot where we tipped over. But I never thought we would tip over, so I'd never thought about what I would do if that did occur. You just kind of immediately go into survival mode there.

    Thank you :)

    OKC - I would totally watch! Ever since Scott Baio Is 45 And Single went off, I've had no one to guide me.

    TC - Thanks, Miss TC.

    Oh this one has a gossip column, too. "So-and-so thought about going shopping Saturday, but decided not to because it was raining." OK, maybe not quite that extreme, but pretty close. It's like Facebook for old people.

    I can totally see that. Getting a subscription, I mean.

    Sage - So am I to understand that Murf isn't a good canoeswoman, and she needs someone steady with her? Excellent idea. I'm on it!

    By the way, Murf, if you're reading this, be sure to wear flip-flops that float.

    Charlotta - OK, I think I would have to have me one of those if I were a girl. Either that, or I'd be hovering like a nosy mother-in-law.

  14. It's just too difficult to post in the summer and I find it difficult to even muster up a decent comment on the few blogs that are still posting in the summer. :)

  15. Sage: When and where is this canoe trip happening? And who do I get to go with? Someone who will torment Murf, please.

    Charlotta: I'm torn between being wayyyy grossed out, and thinking how amazing that could be. Wow.

  16. That would be fun to be partnered with Bone. I also promise to not look should the bathroom urge arise (no pun intended). *insert angelic look here*