Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A tough trimester, killer bees, and the bachelorhood loses one of its own

It's been a banner week in the life of Bone. A banner ten days, actually.

The second trimester, if you will, of July had a quite inauspicious beginning when I discovered I had left a virtually full pack of gum in the pocket of my shorts. That would have been fine, except that at the time of this discovery, said shorts had already gone through the washing machine and had been in the dryer for about forty minutes.

So there I was at 11:30 on a Friday night, on my knees using an SOS pad to try and scrub copious amounts of melted gum from the inside wall of my dryer. Fortunately, I was able to get most of it off, but my fingers smelled like Stride Spearmint for two days, which turned out to be sort of a pleasant surprise whenever I'd accidentally catch a whiff of them. It's quite the bachelor's paradise I have created here, don't you think? A veritable Eden of singledom.

Then on Monday of last week, I was taking out the trash when at once I found myself in the midst of a swarm of ginormous killer bees. The largest bees I have ever seen. There must have been twenty or thirty of them. I never even made it to the dumpster, instead turning tail and running the other way, trash bag still in hand. It was one of the most harrowing experiences of my mostly sheltered life.

As I sprinted, all I could see was Brian Williams on NBC Nightly News doing the lead story: "Killer bees have returned to the United States." Run, Bone, run! I don't want to be a statistic! I narrowly -- and I thought somewhat miraculously -- escaped without a single sting.

As luck would have it, there was a lady nearby who kindly informed me that I had just been "attacked" by a swarm of June bugs.

Oh... um... do they sting, too?

The week progressed, as weeks are wont to do. On Friday, tidings arrived by way of the text message that Wolfgang had gotten engaged. Yes, you heard it here first (unless you happen to be one of his Facebook friends): Wolfgang is getting married!

The engagement consummates a whirlwind five-month courtship, which is like light-speed to me. I prefer to plod along at a snail's pace, slow and steady. No one's in any hurry. Nobody's going anywhere. Let's not make any sudden movements. I'm like the tortoise in The Tortoise & The Hare, and I think we all know how that turns out.

More importantly, this is the end of the three amigos as we know them, and I feel... a bit odd. It's going to be strange with only one Darryl around. Do Remaining Darryl and I try and find a replacement Darryl, or move on just us two, Bosom Buddies-style? Neither of the Darryls ever got married on Newhart, so it's really hard to know for sure what to do. There is no guidebook.

I guess this is what comes from basing too much of my life on a TV show. I feel disillusioned.

And I always thought the second trimester was supposed to be the easiest.

"I got ketchup on my blue jeans, I just burned my hand. Lord, it's hard to be a bachelor man..."


  1. And I always thought the second trimester was supposed to be the easiest.
    I don't know whether you're the funniest person I know or the sickest. I'm leaning toward the later but I like you so....
    The attack of the June Bugs in July, ha, especially since I originally spelled it Jung bugs--don't want to analyze that--but did you see shadow bugs? :)

  2. I bet Wolfgang's bride won't scrap gum off his pants after they've been through the washer and dryer... But she might do it for him before they tie the knot. Pick up another Daryl, you don't want to make the wrong impression, if you know what I mean... And Pia, and her Jung bug/shadow comments, that's funny!

  3. I once hit a June bug at about 70 mph on a motorcycle. I thought I had been shot. I kept control and got stopped only to find my shirt plastered in goo and a huge bruise the size of a saucer starting to form on my chest. That is why I have always worn a helmet. I can just imagine what would have happened had I took that sucker in the face. Someone would have been scraping me off the pavement like melted gum with one of those SOS pads.

  4. Bone - you always make my day! Thanks for the chuckle this morning...I needed it.

  5. Bone, we should have a sitcom based on our apartment adventures, I mean, really who else would ever admit to being attacked by a swarm of June bugs?? And in my case- my dog can get a play date...next he'll be asking for his own cell phone!!!

    When I was little me and my brother would catch june bugs and tie a string around their necks and allow them to fly. they fly in a circle and it's kinda like having to hold on to a balloon. they fly really fast. I always liked how colorful they were. My brother made me brave enough to pick them up and fly them around. AHHH june bugs and fireflies,I love summer.

    I am feeling better. Thanks! <3

  6. always a groomsman, never a groom. it's almost like in a horror movie and there is only one person left to fight off the killer- in the bachelorhood, it seems that you are the last one there fighting off marriage.

    I'm grabbing my bag of popcorn and waiting for you to write that post of: "and then... a girl, and then, a romance!"

    While I'm waiting, I'm thumping popcorn your way as you remain stoic to flirting.

  7. www.realsimple.com/beauty-fashion/clothing-care/stain-removal/remove-crayon-glue-kid-stains-10000001184541/index.html?xid=weeklynews-07-21-2010

  8. You DO know that when your big wedding day comes it will HAVE to be a HUGE blog production the likes of Luke & Laura's wedding (which one? I don't know)

  9. Pia - Hey, I wiki'd "second trimester" just for this post. Talk about going the extra mile for the blog.

    And you're required to find me funny. It's part of our unwritten agreement(s) :)

    So is that like a Jungian slip then?

    Sage - Well, that's what happens when you leave this blissful Eden and set sail for parts unknown, right?

    I think replacing a Darryl might be more difficult than it appears on the surface. Maybe I should take out an ad.

    Ed - Yeah, I can't imagine it would be very pleasant to get hit by one at 70 mph. They are huge, and from what I've read, very clumsy fliers, always flying into things.

    Small Town Girl - Well, you're very welcome for the chuckle this morning.

    Daily Panic - Wait, so which is it, a sitcom or a horror flick? :)

    So do you chaperone these dog dates, or just drop him off and pick him up later?

    Hey! Watch it! Don't let down your guard. I might just thump a kernel back at you when you least expect it.

    Pia - I like that it's a link to remove kid stains, and yet so applicable to me.

    Renee - Oh, for sure. I plan to invite you all. And live blog it! I'm sure the other interested party will have no problem with that :)

  10. Did we even know Wolfgang was dating someone?!?! Man, five months seems really fast.

    Then again, they (whoever those ubiquitous "they" are when talking about relationships) always say that when you know, you know...

    It's OK that I laughed at --with-- you about the gum in the dryer, right?

  11. Pia beat me to the gum remover, and I am speechless over the June bugs...

    As for replacing Daryl, there is always Craig's list, but as you get what you pay for it may be better to look to the classified in Harper's Magazine. There you might find someone along with the ads for clothing optional getaways, and Escargot recipes.

  12. LOL...it amazes me how you can make such simple, everyday things so incredibly hilarious. You need to write a sitcom, like Seinfeld...I would watch devotedly, Bone! I've been through the "gum in the dryer" experience....it's awful. Thanks for starting my day off with a laugh and a smile. :~)

  13. For a minute there, I thought bachelorhood might be losing YOU.

    June bugs, ugh. Yuk. Gross.

    Great post, Bone, always a treat:)

  14. Hey! A swarm of any bug, poisonous or not, is reason to high-tail it outta there. I still think you're brave.

    Don't replace Daryl. Just get on board. Relationships aren't quite so bad. :)

  15. TC - Yes, I'm pretty sure I mentioned it in one of my six blog entries this year :) My birthday bowl post, I think.

    Actually, the correct procedure would have been to laugh, followed by offering some helpful home tips for the next time that happens.

    Cooper - Harper's Magazine... why do I relate that to Capote?

    Escargot recipes and clothing-optional getaways has rendered me speechless.

    Sweetest In The Gale - (I first typed your name as Sweetest In The Gum. lol) Thanks for your always so kind words. I understand it is our common experiences that help us bond, I just wish ours didn't include gum in the dryer :)

    Actonbell - I figured someone might think that. Trust me, when the bacheloorhood loses me, there'll be a much bigger deal made of it. And that bigger deal will be made by me :)

    Robyn - Well, who among us can be brave in the face of interminate bugs? Not me, obviously.

    Well, that is the other option :)

  16. I've heard June bugs can be pretty deadly.

    I guess it's your turn next...to tie the knot that is. ;)

    Peer pressure, it gets 'em every time.

  17. I've heard June bugs can be pretty deadly.

    I guess it's your turn next...to tie the knot that is. ;)

    Peer pressure, it gets 'em every time.

  18. Ed- LOL! I'm actually laughing out loud, here at my desk with your comment. Thanks for the laugh!

    B-Dwag- Can I call you that? I feel you need an updated nickname. You know, to bring us closer.
    I see that you and I are the only single people in the world. Awesome! But I agree with TC 5 months is pretty fast.

    PS...I hate June Bugs. I really hate them.

  19. Wolfgang...married. Did you ever think you'd say/type those words in the same sentence in a way that was completely unironic? She must be some special kind of girl (take that how you will). I wonder if you and the other Daryl will be asked to be groomsmen.

  20. Carnealian - I've heard June bugs can be pretty deadly.

    Well, I sure didn't want to find out! :)

    OKChick - I guess you can call me B-Dawg. Anything's better than Pistol Pete :)

    Yep, it's just you and me kid.

    Xinh - Well, oddly enough, he was actually married previously, before he became a Darryl. But I didn't know him as well then.

  21. Hey! I'm starting to catch up again (she says sheepishly).

    I know that feeling, although for me it's to do with old friends having babies. It usually doesn't take me too long to adjust to new relationships and marriages, but whenever I hear that a good friend is pregnant with their first child, I can't help but get a slight sinking feeling: a sense that this is the end of The Way Things Were. Of course you're happy for them, but it's hard not to see things from your own point of view.