Friday, July 17, 2009

Short shorts

This post is brought to you by Nair. For men.

Well, as it has every Friday evening since the advent of the five-day work week--which based on everything I know was somewhere around the time of The Flintstones--the weekend has arrived. I plan to spend part of mine watching some of the British Open as well as the Tour de France. I figure that'll suffice for my monthly allotment of British and French culture.

After spending the past couple of months sweltering, including one stretch of twenty consecutive days over ninety degrees, we're actually forecast to have near record low temperatures this weekend. As in, it could drop into the upper 50's Saturday night. I'm going to do my best to avoid cutting the heat on. Just my little way of going green.

I would like to close today with three short and unrelated anecdotes. My ultimate hope is that these brief glimpses into my life will bring a smile to your heart, if not your face, and a sunniness to your disposition, if not your sky.

Anecdote #1: My new girlfriend
Yesterday at work, the secretary burst into the office and with urgency in her voice said, "Bone, come here, I found you a girl! Hurry!" Well, I figured something was up, especially after I'd recently taped a piece of cardboard over the sensor on her optical mouse which took her like ten minutes to figure out. But I played along. After all, she did say the word "girl."

So I got out to her office and she pointed to the TV. The local 12 o'clock news was on and they were interviewing a roller derby girl. Is it wrong that I was more than a bit intrigued?

Anecdote #2: More than just a few digits short
I probably should provide some background on this story. LJ--you remember him from my tales of Wolfgang & LJ, also known as The Darryls--does not have a cell phone. He's never had a cell phone. You might recall that he procured a girlfriend a few months ago. A couple of weeks ago while we were hanging out at his house, he got to texting his girlfriend with Wolfgang's phone.

Zoom forward to this week. LJ is out of town for a few days. He left yesterday. This afternoon I have the following text exchange with Wolfgang:

WG: You're not gonna believe what I'm about to tell you. LJ called me this morning.
Bone: OK. What'd he want?
WG: He wanted to know if I could remember the first 3 numbers of his girlfriend's phone number.

Remind me again why I've not turned their lives into a sitcom?

Anecdote #3: Know your Woodys
Last, and least, this one needs no explanation.

"I kinda wanna see that new Larry David movie. Even though I haven't been to the theater in about two and a half years."
"What's it called?"
"I can't remember. It's a Woody Allen film."
"I've never been a big fan. Woody Allen is in my least favorite movie of all time."
"Really? What's that?"
"White Men Can't Jump."

You just can't make this stuff up.

"Call my line, call me anytime. I'll be there for you. I've been searching high. I've been searching low. Baa-ba-ba-baa, baa-ba-ba-baa baby, don't forget my number..."


  1. I'm not sure which post made me laugh harder this morning yours or TCs.

    Both were and are priceless.

  2. you've made both my heart and face smile! (no surprises there!) xoxo

  3. If you tried to make it up, it wouldnt be funny! lmao. Good that you blog these things so when you do decide to write it for a sitcom you have the material... bad though, that its now public domain! Better get moving on that sitcom!

    BTW I just saw a rerun of the Charlies Angles episode where they were a part of a roller derby murder ring... it didnt do anything for me, but have a look!

  4. Delightful post. You always make me laugh and brighten my day. Thanks for that. Have a great weekend.

  5. Sometimes life is just funny on it's own. So did you get Miss Rollerderby's phone number or at least the rink where she plays? ;)

    Perhaps you should just get LJ a Tracfone...does he pay WG for all the texting he uses?

  6. Oh man... LG cracks me up. You really should, at the very least, turn their lives into a best-selling book. You have to deal with temperamental actors and such if you go the sitcom route :)

    PennyCandy: The correct answer is... well, I don't even have to say it, do i? :)

  7. Shelby - I thought so. Just had to share.

    PennyCandy - Oh man, I went and read hers when I saw your comment. Hilarious!

    Lucy - Well, that's precisely what I set out to do :) Though I can't take most of the credit for this one. Fortunately, I've managed to surround myself with a, um, unique group of people.

    Helene - Exactly. Wait, just because I've blogged it, that doesn't mean I can't reuse it for the sitcom does it?

    What channel shows Charlie's Angels reruns?

    Michelle Johnson - Thanks for the nice words. Hope you have a wonderful weekend, too.

    Renee - No, they didn't flash her number on the screen. And anything else requires too much effort :)

    Well, I thought getting a girlfriend might push LJ into getting a cell phone. But so far, he's still sticking with the landline, with no call waiting.

    TC - Maybe I could write the book. Then later someone will buy the rights and turn it into a movie or sitcom.

  8. My ultimate hope is that these brief glimpses into my life will bring a smile to your heart, if not your face, and a sunniness to your disposition, if not your sky - it did (even if it hadn't, that sentence did!) Not to the sky though, but you can't be blamed for the night time.

  9. Roller Derby girls are fun...I think you should go for it!

  10. Bone, are you a prankster at work?! I need ideas. The other day, a coworker and I re-wall-papered another coworker's office with architectural blue prints while she was at lunch.

    Her reaction was priceless. I would blog it except she reads my blog.

    ...but taping cardboard over her mouse sensor, love it!

  11. I just have to ask- Are Roller Skates HOT???

  12. sure you can... and so can any of your million readers! lol

    So dont delay! lol

    Hope you had a great weekend. have you been to Coney Island?

  13. J Adamthwaite - Well, thank you :) That was actually the last line I added to the post, I think.

    Carnealian - Are you speaking from experience? They definitely give off that fun vibe.

    Charlotta-love - Yes! This was my crowning achievement. Otherwise, it's mostly just small stuff.

    Daily Panic - They can be. It's more the whole roller derby ensemble, I think.

    Helene - Yep! I went a few years ago. Didn't ride anything, but I did get a dog at Nathan's.

  14. Better than Seinfield.
    Life as we live it is so much funnier if we take the time to look.

    Your is a bit more peculiar though, I have to admit.

    Thank goodness for that though or I'd probably not be here. That and the writing.

  15. I can't come up with a favorite line. I just can't. there were so many--but the end of the LJ anecdote--the whole movie thing, the secretary and the whole introduction

    Guess I just loved this post. Thanks for making my reintroduction to blogs not only painless but true fun

  16. Roller Derby Girl could be cool? At least you know she can roller skate. Hopefully, that's a requirement? I know it's on my list. :)

  17. I hope that you survived your dose of French and British culture!

  18. I'm laughing at the 50 degrees and turning the heat on. Seriously? It gets down to that every night, and I still run the fan in the window!

  19. Cooper - I wouldn't say better. Maybe on the same level.

    And just think if I was able to post all the things my friends (and I) do. Silly statute of limitations.

    Pia - For me, I don't think it gets much better than calling another guy to ask for your girlfriend's phone number.

    Welcome back. We missed ya.

    Kate - Thanks for stopping by.

    OK Chick - Well, seeing as how I can't roller skate, then it's a definite requirement. I mean, someone has to teach me!

    Mama Zen - Oui, oui.

    Jen - Well, upper 50's. Oh wait, that's just making it worse, isn't it? :)