Monday, July 27, 2009

In and out of tune

I had a flat today.

Let me rephrase that.

Any mere mortal in my situation would have had a flat today.

I sensed something was amiss with my car last night. Thought a tire was going down. But when I got home, they all looked fine. Then this morning, I sensed it again. So after lunch, I went out and looked and found a screw firmly embedded in one of my tires.

I took it to get it fixed. The lady at the place (how's that for descriptive writing) was asking, "Which tire is flat? Is it completely flat or just low?"
"Oh no. It's not flat yet. But it's gonna be."
"Oh, do you have a sensor that lets you know the pressure is getting low?"
"Nope." Don't need one. Welcome to Preemptively Having A Flat Fixed 101. I'm your instructor, Bone.

I have always been in tune with my car. It's one of my talents. (The other is an uncanny ability to estimate crowds at concerts and sporting events.) I can feel the slightest abnormality and sense when something is wrong.

Maybe all guys have this ability. Maybe that's why we spend so much time in the garage. We feel comfortable there. We understand the car. If it's making a noise or something is wrong, we are usually able to diagnose the problem and either fix it or take it to someone who can. But if a girl is making a noise or something is wrong, well... that can be nebulous. Feeble attempts to fix the problem frequently only serve to make it worse. And you can't really take her to anyone.

I remember several years ago when I was dating M, we had just left my apartment and before we got out of the parking lot, I stopped the car. She asked what was wrong. I said, "I think I have a low tire."

I did. It was almost imperceptible, but I felt it!

If only I were this in tune with women.

"Girls were a mystery that we couldn't explain, and I guess there are some things that are never gonna change..."


  1. the lady at the place ... I totatlly get that.

    It's the perfect southern phrase.

  2. You have to parlay your unique talents into something :)

    You can't take a girl to anyone....? (sounded so wrong when I wrote it, but so chuckle, smile, show teeth, chuckle, laugh when you write it

    Your use of language is so singularly Bone. Good language, keep it up.

  3. I wish I were that in tune with my SUV. I can have a rattle for weeks before I mention anything to John. We always get it fixed though- in the end. Hope all is well. Have a great day.

  4. Bone - why do guys always compare women and cars? I just never got that.

    So the lady at that place didn't grill you with a hundred questions? Huh she must understand that you just knew your car.

    Thanks for the morning giggle.

  5. Shelby - Thanks. That one came pretty natural, I guess, as that's really how I talk.

    Pia - Yes, I do have to parlay them. But where is the nice for a guy who can forecast a flat tire and tell you there were 38,000 at the Met game?

    Yeah, I thought that sounded kinda wrong when I wrote it, as well :)


    Michelle Johnson - You just have to listen to her... it, I mean. She'll tell you when something is wrong.

    PennyCandy - why do guys always compare women and cars?

    Wait--that's a trick question, isn't it? There's no right answer, is there? :)

    You're welcome for the morning giggle.

  6. This is a new take on it. Usually I hear how temperamental both cars and women are, and how you have to have the right touch to deal with either one of them.

    Of course, I learned the truth very early on: if it has tires or testicles, it's gonna give you trouble.

    This was a great post, but out of all of it, my absolute favorite thing was the "channeling Dwight Schrute" tag: hilarious!!! That "mere mortal" line was soooooooo him :-D

  7. I must have gotten a dud car guy for my dh then. I told him my car needed new tires, he said no, not yet...I got into a wreck due to bald tires! I told him I needed new wiper blades, he said no, not yet. (I replaced them when he went out of town!) I told him my brakes were squeeking and not braking the car right, he said no, not yet. I also replaced them after he left...they're awesome now and the mechanic said they were down to the metal.
    After the brakes were fixed I still heard squeeking, I took it to the shop and the mechanic couldn't find the squeek...He took me for a ride and I heard it right away...the bushings are cracked! The mechanic immediatly said I could get more miles out of them. DH immediately said I could get a new car. Hummm I guess bushings are very expensive and hard to fix.

    oh well, I get a new car!!! :D

  8. "Do you have a sensor?"

    What kind of question is that?

  9. Are you not mortal?

  10. apparently I need to teach you some geography. @@

  11. Did you name your car? Is it a girl's name? Like old Betsy?
    or do you call it your baby? If so then you are tuned into your parental instinct. One day you will be in tune with the right girl, and you won't have to "take her to anyone" You'll be all she needs to fix things.

    Dwight- too funny!

  12. bone! I could really use your good car sense! I can't even remember to put the new insurance card in the glove box! and as for women being compared to cars?? Just NO comparison there! don't go there bone! haha

  13. TC - Well I hope you didn't learn that too early on.

    Yes, I should have already introduced a channeling Dwight Schrute tag, because it definitely would have applied to a couple other posts.

    Renee - Well, it sounds like you're pretty in tune with your car anyway.

    Congrats on getting a new car. Are you getting it from a dealership? Remember if someone steals your Twix bar, just make a candy lineup.

    Mama Zen - I guess they have to reset the sensor or check to make sure it's working properly after reinflating the tire. (I don't really know, but I thought this sounded good.)

    noStrokes - Do I not bleed? Do I not hurt? I am not an animal!

    Renee again - Well, it's closer to you than me at least.

    Daily Panic - Oh no, I've never named her, I mean, it. Sometimes I do pat her on the dash if she gets though a particularly long trip.

    Lucy - Oh believe me, I would never compare a girl to a car. I know better than that :)

  14. If only I was that in tune with anything!

  15. I am the same way with my car, but my husband is not. He thinks I'm a little odd when I say, "You mean you can't sense it when it's time to have the oil changed?" (of course, I've only been doing it every 3-5 months for the last 20 years!)

  16. Will you come drive my car? She needs someone that understands her needs.

    Actually, on second thought, don't drive her. You'd practically run away screaming. My car has...baggage.

  17. Just like you don't need to be in tune with all cars ("Wow, I think that car that just passed me needs an oil change!"), you don't need to be in tune with "women" in general. I suspect that when you find the one for you, you'll discover that being tuned in to her is also one of your talents. :)

  18. I am so disgustingly in tune with my truck, you're not alone. Keith thinks I'm a freak. Sometimes (only sometimes, when I'm either tired as a corpse or feeling jaunty) I will let Keith drive my truck. You know, the kind of guy who's never had an accident and you wonder WHY? Anyway, I'll say, "Your door isn't closed." This is on a road, while moving. "It's fine," he says. "I can FEEL it, Keith. Just pop it open and shut it." Sure enough, I was right. I'm the same way with tires. The engine? Forget it. I'm a GAY man, not a straight vehicular ESP only goes so far.

  19. I understand. I can sense tires too. But not all guys have it. I once chased my uncle five miles trying to flag him down while he was driving nearly on one of his rims due to a almost completely flat tire. He never noticed a thing wrong with the car or the pickup right behind him honking, flashing the lights or the guy hanging out the window waving an arm at him.

  20. Ahem....I never had a sensor in my car but always knew when a tire was getting low, even when it looked fine. This skill is not just in the Y chromosone.

  21. So is this your way of asking for women to come with pressure sensors? I think that might be awkward.

    Boy_001: What is that incessant beeping?

    Me: Oh, that's just my Woman Pressure Gauge 5000. I had it installed yesterday. It lets people around me know when I'm getting pissed off.

    Boy_001: Whew. For a moment there, I thought we had a flat tire.

  22. I think its called Woman's Intuition. :)

  23. I really wish you'd drive my car.

    Last Sunday, I got the "low tire pressure" light in my car. So I put air in my tires. (After I took some out on accident: oops.) And still the light stayed on.

    Yesterday I had my brother with his fancy tools test the pressure in each tire and fill the tire with too little. The sensor went off finally. This morning I got in my car and it's back on. Clearly something is amiss, but I certainly can't figure it out.

  24. lol I loved the comments about girls and flats that was great!