Monday, December 22, 2008

Festivus IV

Every year around this time, I start hearing the questions. It really should come as no surprise. I mean, I'm single, thin, mid-thirties, and have an above average knowledge of all things Seinfeld.

"When's Festivus?"

"Are you having Festivus this year?"

After last year's 3rd Annual Festivus At Bone's drew only eight guests, down from the previous year's all-time high of fourteen, I had been considering not having Festivus this year. (Pause for gasps and bellows.)

I know, it's like telling a child Christmas has been cancelled. I just never realized how hard it would be to sustain a fake holiday. As I wrestled back and forth with the decision of whether or not to have a bunch of people over to trash my place, time just slipped up on me.

Tuesday is Festivus. Yet my Festivus pole remains in the crawlspace. Festivus evites have not been sent. And no Twix have been purchased for the candy lineup. Most importantly, my apartment has not been cleaned because I haven't had a girl over in weeks.

It's all these menial tasks. Laundry, grocery shopping, getting on here and surfing the internet. Do you have any idea how much time I waste on this computer? Throw in the fact that the city council has outlawed cockfighting, as well as unsanctioned cage fighting--severely limiting the options for the Feats of Strength--and it looked like Festivus wasn't going to happen.

Still, I was holding out hope right up to the last minute. Maybe some unexpected event, the magnitude of Donna Martin Graduates or the Save The Max radiothon, would occur to save Festivus.

It's kinda like in Liar Liar when Jim Carrey promised he was going to play baseball with the kid who played Lucas on General Hospital. And that girl from ER waited and waited until the very last minute even though Jim Carrey had let them down time and again. Then Jim Carrey gets thrown into jail, which is where the Festivus analogy kind of goes awry. Except that they boarded a plane for Boston with the guy who played David Lookner on Seinfeld, which kind of brings the whole thing full circle. But anyway...

I was ready to come to terms with the fact that there would be no 4th Annual Festivus At Bone's. Then the female portion of Kywana called the other day and said "Silver Bells" had come on the radio when she was in the car, and Kywana Jr. started singing "Silver Pole" instead of "Silver Bells." *sniff sniff*

Well, I just about lost it. And that's when I remembered what Festivus is all about. It's not about having a clean apartment or how many of your friends don't show up even though they tell you they will. Festivus is about getting together with people and feeling no obligation to buy them a gift. It's about letting those you care for know all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year. Most of all, it's about passing Frank Costanza's vision on to the next generation.

So Festivus at Bone's is on for Friday night. It's another Festivus miracle! Besides, if I don't do it, who will?

Sure, it's probably too late to book Christopher Cross. Actually, it's probably not. Still, there'll be lots of shouting and plenty of food if you get there early. And considering how close this Festivus was to not happening at all, I'd say there's a good chance it will surpass all Festivuses (Festivi?) past--all three of them.

Here's wishing you all a Happy Festivus For The Rest Of Us! Now, please join me in singing that favorite of all Festivus songs, Silver Pole.

"Silver Pole, Silver Pole. It's Festivus in the city. Tinsel free. So sturdy. Soon it will be Festivus..."


  1. oooh goodie! I'll have to be there in spirit though, cuz well seeing as we had that bad accident out here at DIA all the flights are backed up for months. And I think the pilot is mad at me or something.

    I can't wait for the highlights, cuz I've got some grievances to air!

  2. Thankfully Bone has come through again. Festivus is within you.

  3. Gee, I'll be in Atlanta on Friday... how far is it to Alabama? Great post, Bone!

  4. Happy Festivas! Hope it's a good one. (PS, there's a new Scene It game with all Seinfeld stuff.)

  5. Someday, I'm coming to AL for Festivus. I really am. :)

  6. Do one say "Have a Festive Festivus"? Merry Festivus? Joyous Festivus? Or just "Have a damn, good Festivus!"?

    Hope your Festivus is twice as good as last year's Festivus, but only half as good as next year's will be ;)

  7. I've got lots of problems with you people, so I'll be there!

    (Should I bring anything?)

  8. Festivi, definitely. Even though Christmas is Christmases.

  9. Renee - Oh thanks for that inside info. I'll be at the airport betting on arrival times tonight, so I'll be sure not to bet on Denver.

    Lass - Festivus is within you.

    That was beautiful. Would you be willing to make a "Festivus Is Within You" speech at next year's Festivus?

    Sage - I'm about three hours from Atlanta, as long as there's no snow. Oh, who am I kidding.

    C&J - Happy Festivus! Yes, I've seen it, blogged about it, and put it on my Christmas list :)

    OKChick - That'll be good. Then I won't have to complain about how you never come during the Airing of Grievances.

    I keep saying I'm going to do an online Festivus one year. That way everyone could air their grievances.

    Capn John - I think any of those will work. Festivus is festive, though it's not really a festival.

    TC - You could always stop by and get a marble rye or cinnamon bobka from Shnitzer's.

    Susan - We'll go with that then. Festivi! I like the way it sounds. Kinda like fungi.

  10. Ah, Festivus IV. Now that your Festivus Celebration has reached a point in time that a V can be added to the Roman Numerals used, success is guaranteed. May your grievances be many to ensure a quiet evening.

  11. Festivus ROCK ON!
    Have a good one!
    In true southern fashion, be sure to have plenty of RC cola and Goo Goo clusters! YUMMY!
    Wish I could make it, I've never been to a Festivus.

  12. Happy Festivus to you, Bone! If I were heading south instead of north, I would totally show up at your shindig on Friday.

  13. Wonderful post Bone
    Could there be a modification to the airing of the grievance? The airing of the blogger's grievances?

  14. hahaha! You kill me Bone! As a huge seinfeld fan I got all your references and enjoyed this post so much! Wish I could pop in on Fri.
    I bet it will be the bestus festivus for sure!
    Merry Christmas!
    Would love to see a photo of your festivus pole!

  15. Marcia - Thanks for the well wishes. I just hope Festivus V turns out better than Rocky V.

    Daily Panic - Well, you should definitely put Festivus on your bucket list then.

    I almost bought an RC in the store this weekend. It's been awhile since I've had one.

    R8chel - Well, maybe you'll take a wrong turn. That's the best way to get some place you've never been.

    Pia - Yes, as self-appointed lord of Festivus, I think we could definitely do a Bloggers' Airing Of Grievances.

    Lucy - I posted a pic of my pole a few years ago. Here it is.

    Also, feel free to relive one of the past Festivi here :)

  16. "Most importantly, my apartment has not been cleaned because I haven't had a girl over in weeks." Boy, you've got some 'splainin to do!!

    Happy Festivus!! Maybe next year I'll get the evite I've been waiting for.

  17. Happy Festivus!
    We had a Festivus celebration at my job on Dec 23. It was fun. I'm going to blog about it and post pictures.

  18. I'm such a sucker for Festivus miracle stories *sniff*

  19. I keep meaning to ask if you booked Christopher Cross :) Was going to say all things are possible on Festivus but I think that's betraying the spirit

  20. Carnealian - Aww, you know you're always welcome here. Just phone two days ahead so I can clean.

    Shelby - Merry Christmas to you.

    Xinh - Augh! How did I miss that post!? It warms my heart to hear of others celebrating Festivus.

    Cube - Me, too. Well actually, I think I just like saying the phrase, "It's another Festivus miracle!" But either way.

    Brian South - Southie?! Wow. Long time, man. It's another Festivus miracle!

    Pia - No, I think he was performing with the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra that night :)