Friday, October 17, 2008

The race is on

Girl: I knew there had to be another side to you.
Jerry: No, no, there's no side!
Girl: There is a side, an ugly side.
Jerry: No, no, no ugly side.

I'm not sure how each of you view me. My inclination would be as some sort of odd Jerry Seinfeld/Jason Morgan conglomeration. But I do have vices. And here is one: I don't like to be passed.

I'm not talking about driving, like those psychotics who hold up traffic and then speed up when you try to pass them. No, I'm talking about when I'm running. There are two ways to be passed while running. One is when you're going the same direction as someone else. The other, and maybe less obvious way, occurs when you're running opposite directions.

Two people, running opposite directions at the same rate on the same track, will meet in the same spot, exactly two times per lap. Let's call this spot Checkpoint Charlie. Thus, it stands to reason that if one person is running faster than the other, they will meet in a different spot each lap, and it will be obvious who is more fit and manly and who is the slowpoke.

So anytime I'm running and someone else is running the opposite direction, I speed up a little so that I can pass Checkpoint Charlie before they do. Some people might not notice such a thing. But that's what makes me different.

I say all that to say this. Last night while I was running, there was an incident. I was nearing the end of my second lap when I encountered this high school kid on his first lap. I made a mental note of where we passed so I could be sure I was ahead of him the next time around.

Only, I wasn't. I had lost about fifty yards to this punk kid in one lap.

Alright, we're taking it up a notch.

I increased my speed a bit, but still lost ground on lap four!

Good grief, what are they feeding this kid? And how tall is he? I'm 6'1" but this kid's like a gazelle, whatever that is. He covers like ten yards a step.

It was at this point I decided that no matter how far this kid ran, I'd keep running until after he was done. I would run all night if that's what it took to prove my superior stamina and conditioning.

It's a marathon, Junior. Not a sprint. You may be faster. But I'm stronger. I'm like Dwight Schrute on 'roids. Bring it!

Lap five was more of the same.

This kid's like a machine. It's like I'm running against Ivan Drago here. Hey kid, Manute Bol called. He wants his legs back.

Then it happened. On my sixth lap, Manute Drago had slowed to a walk.

Aww, could the little baby only run four laps? That's exactly how far I had originally planned to run not bad... for a beginner.

I kept running until he finished walking, careful each time we passed to make it seem as if I was barely putting forth any effort at all.

I was running when you got here, and I'll still be running when you're gone. Bone rulz!

I wound up running seven laps in all. To recap, that's:

Bone - 5.25 miles (<-----WINNER)
High school kid - 3 miles (<-----LOSER)

But who's counting?

"And I ran. I ran so far away. I just ran. I ran all night and day. I couldn't get away..."


  1. My goodness Godfather B! I am glad that the kid stopped running when he did or else we might be picking a new Godfather today! HA!

  2. I remember when i could in around wilson morgan two or three times with no problem. now, ten years later, i can't make it around once! i did in thirty minutes on the treadmill yesterday though, so that was encouraging. gotta get back in shape!

  3. Good job Bone! Way to show that kid who's boss.

  4. I was thinking of Jerry & You when I made my reservation. Luckily I won't be there when DH picks up the car (which is a good thing for me cuz he drives me crazy when he does it!!!)

    And I love Mrs R's comment. That's just way too funny. But you are the champion there. Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum!

  5. Wait Bone aren't you a conglomeration of Jerry and Jason? Weird spawn.

    This was very funny especially as I was just complaining about high school kids to you

    Plus it was very funny. Loved this
    Bone - 5.25 miles (<-----WINNER)
    High school kid - 3 miles (<-----LOSER)

    But who's counting?

    And Checkpoint Charlie

  6. I always thought of you as Jerry, as in Ben and Jerry's, but after reading about your running, I must have the wrong idea... I gave up basketball at 40, when I could no longer play against college students without getting hurt. You still have a few more years!

  7. The tracks I run on don't allow runners to go different directions - therefore I have no idea if I have this pet peeve. The list of questions to which I'll never know the answers continues to grow...

  8. Gotta love beating people who don't know that it's a race- it's honestly the best way to compete. Much better chances of demolishing your opponent!

  9. Mrs. R - So what you're saying is, it's a good thing I'm very Jason Morgan-like and was able to survive.

    I agree. And no worries. I will never shirk my Godfatherly duties.

    Java Boo Boo - I don't remember that. lol Thirty minutes is good. And the treadmill's a lot easier on the knees than asphalt.

    Hotpinksox - He needed to be taught a lesson. Because as I have always said, I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

    Renee - Augh! THAT'S what I should have said--it's go time!!!


    Pia - Thank you, thank you. Checkpoint Charlie was actually the last thing I added. It just came to me. It's almost like I've read so much Wikipedia that random entries start appearing in my mind sometimes.

    Sage - Really? I'm not even crazy about ice cream. I'd be more likely to have something to do with Little Debbie or the snack cake industry.

    That's why I've taken up golf. I'm hoping I can golf well into my golden years.

    Charlotta - You can't go in different directions? Where do you live, the Soviet Union?

    Cami - Oh trust me, he knew. It's a guy thing.

    Or just a Bone thing. Whichever :)

  10. Oh Bone, poor poor Bone. Almost upped by a wittle bitty highschooler. Just teasin...good job!

  11. Wow. I am impressed. My daughter is running cross country now and she's amazing (and only 13). She has stamina and speed, something I don't have. I've been trying to train with her, but I can only run about 250 meters 'at a time.' Seriously. I get out of breath.

    She can run for miles. She's on the middle school team, but is running with the high school because she's faster than the high school girls. The coaches love her.

    As well they should.

  12. okay Bone, you've let me down! I'm doing this game online that is kinda like Wheel of Fortune only with 3 phrases and my clue is George Costanza... I need that link to the Seinfeld scripts that you used to have on your blog and it isn't here anymore...all I'm finding on the web is yadda yadda yadda! argh!

  13. Oy. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have no idea how I became so competitive, but dangit, I am. It will be the death of me.

  14. It sounds to me like you changed the rules mid-race, after the (punk) kid began beating you at your own game :P

    Youth and exuberance are no match for old age and trickery ;)

  15. The phrase clues were:

    Theater pests to George

    Seattle to George

    Accused of at a funeral

    come to my blog for the answers in the comments.

  16. You're was Jerry. Sometimes they misspell the answers or get the clues totally wrong. I should stop playing, but I'm kinda addicted to it.

  17. you know what would have been cool is if you had photo or video clogged this while you were running. i am thinking about doing a lot more of that. That's why i need a new iphone. haha. i am having trouble choosing a cell phone carrier though. i may switch from sprint. are you happy with your carrier?

  18. Jen - Yeah. I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be able to ward them off.

    Shelby - Sounds like you might be just a little proud of her. As well you should be :)

    Renee - I'm sorry. Perhaps I should start a Seinfeld Trivia hotline. "Hello. If your Seinfeld trivia question is about Jerry, press one now..."

    Lass - In that case, I'm glad it was some high school kid out there and not you. Otherwise, the two of us might still be running.

    Capn John - You said it. It's kinda like when they brought that girl back on the Bachelorette. Or American Idol. Or Big Brother. Or one of those shows.

    These kids need to learn to be ready for anything to be successful in life, or on reality TV anyway.

    Kyle - I'm with AT&T. I guess they must be decent. I've had them since I first got a cell phone.