Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The next "first thing to go"

I am 34 years old. I wear glasses or contacts. My vision started going when I was in high school. My first pair of glasses were bright yellow gold and ugly, so I only wore them for a few months, then they broke. Accidentally, of course.

In college, my vision problems resurfaced. Anytime we had to copy notes off the board, I'd be forced to move from my typical seat near the back of the classroom to a chair near the front where I could see. In one class, there was a girl who always had to do the same thing, which made me feel better. I almost asked her out because I figured we shared some kind of warped cornea bond.

The thing about worsening vision is that it's typically so gradual, you don't realize it's happening. For the longest time, I just thought the blackboard looked blurry to everyone.

Zoom forward to 2007.

I was watching TV with a friend recently. The volume was so low that I could only understand like every sixth or seventh word. And only then if I strained. I kept waiting for my friend to turn up the volume, but it never happened. After a couple of minutes of unintelligible TV viewing, it hit me.

"Can you hear that?" I asked.

"Yeah. It's a little low, but I can hear it. Can you not?"

"Nope!"

And there it was, in black and white. Or more accurately, in mumbling and white noise. I guess this is what comes from wearing earphones for much of the past seventeen years. I'm losing my hearing.

Well that's just great!

First my vision. Then my memory. Then my knees started aching occasionally when I went running. And now this. I'm only 34 years old, for crying out loud. Kenny Rogers has wives older than me.

What's next? Crow's feet? My butt disappears? Enlarged prostate? I tell you one thing, if I start experiencing weak stream or incomplete emptying, I may be googling Kevorkian. Or at the very least, Wilfred Brimley.

In the meantime, maybe I should stop so thoughtlessly discarding those mail-outs I keep getting from the Scooter Store.

"What's the matter girl, well don't you think I'm bright enough? This old man had a hard time getting here. You can leave your number at the door..."

32 comments:

  1. Do what I do and lie about your age. You'll feel better.

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  2. Oh that was hilarious! Sad, but hilarious. Yeah, my vision sucks but I do wear contacts. However, my hearing isn't the best as when I used to have to fill in at switchboard and the caller was soft-spoken, I would have to ask them to repeat themselves. Also TBC drops his voice at the end of sentences and I am constantly saying, 'huh?'

    Sorry babe... :)

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  3. The medical term for what you have is "Loud Rock" Syndrome. The hearing loss is greatest in the range of the wife's yelling voice, followed by wife's speaking voice, and will adjust to whatever vocal range current wife has... proven fact, except it ALWAYS manages to hear the words, "Honey, do you want to have sex." Something about the auditory frequency of those words makes everything wake up...

    I feel for you with the eyesight. Never wore glasses until after 40. Then I had to get readers. Kept 'em stowed in the purse unless desperate. I'd go to lunch with girlfriends, and we'd pass around a communal pair so we could read the menu (I'm sure everyone in the restaurant was laughing at us), but now I can't see far away either, and I'm stuck with progressives. My personal trainer asked why I wore glasses when I was working out, since they are always steaming up... I told him it was because I liked to be able to see what caused me such pain and misery. He suggested contacts, but that won't work for me. One eye is too much stronger than the other to do the one near/one far thing. So I'm stuck with glasses. Argh. I'm too freaked for LASIK.

    At least I can still hear.

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  4. as soon as my eyes stop getting worse I'm doing the surgery thing...my husband can't hear worth anything, but he's in radio and that's normal.

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  5. HotPink: You're not 29?!?! No, don't ruin my dream.

    Circe: Sad, But Hilarious. That might make a good title for my autobiography :)

    Gay: Loud Rock Syndrome, huh? Well according to your description of the symptoms, that doesn't sound too bad :)

    I'm thankful I can at least wear contacts. Not sure I do the laser surgery either, although I've only heard good things.


    Kontan: I think excessive use of earphones is a big part of mine. And I'm sure the level at which I sometimes listen to music in my car isn't helpful, either.

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  6. I have worn glasses since I was seven. So?

    I do have almost perfect hearing--one decibel off. As I told the nurse my hearing was great, I missed the entire test

    Tuned it out. Then took it and was one decibel off

    I suspect you tune out the world also--it's somehow easier to do with bad vision

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  7. I didn't mean that you don't have hearing loss--know how much you listen to headphones, but a lot of hearing is actively listening

    And one of the oldest and stupidest jokes is I can't hear without my glasses

    Was freaked when I "failed" the hearing test because I tuned it out

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  8. I had the LASIK surgery two years ago...I highly recommend it :) And you won't get much sympathy from me on the hearing thing ;) No, really, I hate that for ya...it's the beginning of the end, sure enough...and you're my age, it seems...stop talking like that...you're scaring me ;)
    Do you have Facebook? I find that I like it much better than MySpace...not quite so "teenybopper"...

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  9. I am lucky crosses fingers and knocks on wood that I've never had any problems with my eyesight. In fact, it's 20/10. But I know if I keep listening to my music the way I do, I'll lose my hearing soon.

    Wear the glasses! I'm here to tell you that glasses are SEXY. Well, the right glasses are. Even the bright gold ones were probably cute in a Harry Potter kinda way.

    What's next? Crow's feet? My butt disappears? Enlarged prostate? I tell you one thing, if I start experiencing weak stream or incomplete emptying, I may be googling Kevorkian.

    I laughed so hard at this that my sides started hurting. Your butt disappears??!?! Oh dear heavens. Only you, Bone. Don't Kevorkian it for that. Just walk backwards so the ladies don't see it.

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  10. you have probably the funniest blog i've seen so far. i'm hooked on your blog for sure. will definitely be checking in for my laugh of the day. have you considered "last comic standing?"

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  11. The only reason I will allow this post is because of the matchbox 20 reference. Good save!

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  12. Oh this gave me a good laugh. It all happens to the best of us.

    The thing that annoys me the most is my family knows I can't hear very well...especially if there is any other noise. But do they do like I have requested (numerous times) and make sure they have my attention before they start off on their diatribes? Nope. So I finally hear that there is noise going on behind me and that it's directed at me and catch the last word or two.
    So to let them know I didn't understand a darned thing I say back "Blah BLAH BLAH blah blah red moose." Or replace red moose with whatever words I actually heard.
    DD will appologize and repeat what she said. DH will get all miffed at me for not giving him my undivided attention 24/7 even when he's mubling to himself.

    I don't have the vision problems yet. YAY! But DH & DD both do...that's hereditary though.

    I don't know about the Kevorkian thing for if my other parts start failing. I could go for a disappearing butt though (God gave me a bit too much I think!)

    re: HP book comment. You really don't read books? So I guess I could chat with you about the book since you don't wanna read it. hee hee all my friends are saying "wait! I'm not finished yet...don't tell me what happens!"

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  13. "incomplete emptying"?! aack!

    I feel your pain my friend. I have bad vision, bad knees, crows feet and laugh lines and lately, an inability to stay up past midnight or sleep in past 8.

    This getting old business is for the birds.

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  14. Pia Savage: Well, I definitely employ selective hearing on occasion. But I don't think this was an instance of that. I was concentrating for like a full minute, straining, and wondering why no one else was having a problem hearing.

    Jennifer: And you won't get much sympathy from me on the hearing thing

    Awww! :) *hugs*

    No, I don't have Facebook. At least not yet. I have heard of it though.

    Avery Laine: Trust me, my first pair of glasses would not be considered attractive in any society. And no, I'm sorry, I don't think I can go on if my butt disappears :)

    Heiresschild: Wow, thank you! Always good to see someone new stopping by. Welcome :)

    Katie: Um, you didn't enjoy the rest? Well, that's why I put those lyrics in, so that there's something for everyone :)

    Good lyric recognition, by the way.

    Renee: My Dad always had to have the TV turned up loud, and now I suppose I'm heading down that road.

    No, I read books. Just not HP. And that little Jerry/Elaine exchange just popped in my head for some reason.

    Sizzle: aack!

    You said it! I'm thankful every single day for my relatively normal ability to urinate.

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  15. I just went to the eye doctor and had to get a new prescription for my glasses and my contact lenses. When I asked him if my eyes were getting worse, he laughed at me.

    Laughed. At. Me.

    Unfortunately, I heard him loud and clear.

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  16. I feel your pain. Really.
    The thing I really resent is having less energy than I did when I was in my 20's--I no longer go-go-go,if you know what I mean.

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  17. If it makes you feel any better, I'm only 22, have worn glasses since I was 6 & have poor hearing. 75% in one ear and only 50% in the other.

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  18. Hearing loss runs in Nick's family. Sometimes I think he's just ignoring me though. But he is older than you.

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  19. I surely can't be the only one who wants to know... you're sure the memory loss came after the eye sight issues? *er* I'd have been willing to bet the memory started to fade shortly after you were born... if I were he betting type I mean ... O:-)

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  20. lol. You poor thing.
    But you're still hot, right? So what else do you REALLY need?

    :)

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  21. I thought everything looked blurry to everyone too. Is that not true?

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  22. I'm 28 and have had glasses since I was 14. I am just excited that the frame options for glasses have drastically improved since I was an 8th grader.

    I used to have a manually focused camera. My mom always complained that my pictures were out of focus. ...they looked normal to me...

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  23. Go with Mr. Brimley.

    And remember - it's not a going problem, it's a growing problem. Not that you have either. I guess. I mean I wouldn't know.

    Welcome to aging. Wave goodbye to the post puberty a/k/a frat boy years. Sorry *sigh* .. it was just too funny.

    You'll be fine.

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  24. Brookelina: Awww. That made me laugh though. Thanks.

    Actonbell: No, I have no idea what you mean (says he who naps at least two afternoons a week).

    Jen: Funny you should put it like that. I was just trying to figure out if it's a good thing that everyone can relate to this post, or if it's just really depressing :)

    Lass: I seriously doubt any man would ever pretend not to hear a woman under the guise of poor hearing...

    O:)

    TC: I'm fairly certain. Honestly... are you ready for this? I don't remember. Bwahahahaa :)

    Blondie: LOL Thanks, deary.

    Krista: No, evidently some people can see things clearly. It's a shock, I know.

    Charlottalove: Yeah, I don't mind glasses at all now. Prefer them most times. I'm sure it has a lot to do with better frame options and finding a pair that fit my face.

    Shelby: it's not a going problem, it's a growing problem.

    Oh, you just had to go there, didn't you :) That line makes me both laugh, and cringe.

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  25. No mention of hair loss? Did I miss it? As for the butt, better start pumping it up so that if you do lose some of it you will have enough left to count -- could be a bit awkward sitting down --

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  26. Poor Bone. Just imagine: It could be worse. You could be hearing the following from the ladies: I just saw a commercial on television about erectile dysfunction, and I thought of you!

    Count your blessings, my friend. Count them indeed!

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  27. He he he.

    Why would you google Wilfred Brimley (it looked rather painful the way he offed the guy in the movie 'The Thing')?

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  28. I have focus night and day contacts, so I wear them a month at a time. Well this morning I had to double check that they were still in my eyes. I added drops and squinted, then rubbed for a little while. It took about 30 minutes for my eyes to adjust this morning. Driving to work was a little scary.

    I have to reverse problem with my hearing. It is apparently related to my fibromyalgia, but I am super sensitive to noise. I am constantly turning down the television and radio. It drives my roommate crazy! Our TV never gets over 3 bars.

    Gone are my dreams of growing old with you. We would never survive the television volume issue. This is truly a sad day.

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  29. Marcia: No, we don't talk about hair loss around here :)

    Zeus: Yes, I didn't mention ED, for fear of some bad karma or something.

    I'm counting them, I'm counting them :)

    GirlFPS: Oh, he's always on those Liberty Medical supply commercials. Or used to be.

    Melanie: I think I lost a contact behind my eyeball one time. I never found it anyway.

    Sigh. We could always do closed-captioning :) You crack me up.

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  30. I'm with you! I keep telling people I must be going deaf, because I'm always saying "huh?" when people speak to me. Sigh. I think you're right, it's due to all that iPod listening. ;)

    Have you seen that promo for the new show "I hate my 30s"?

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  31. Carmen: Yes, I've seen the promos for it! Looks like it'd be interesting, and funny.

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  32. Hahaha, I can see fine, but my hearing sucks ass, and my knees and right ankle ache all the time now that I'm running! I'm catching up to you, and I'm only 26!!!

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