Wireless-less

Imagine if you will a middle-aged male, one who has not been in any sort of shape for the better part of a  decade, traipsing through life completely naked.  

Not a pretty sight, is it?

Well, that's exactly how I felt for an entire week.  Naked.  Was it freeing?  Somewhat, yes.  But more so, it was unsettling.  I felt exposed.  Sort of like that dream where you show up to school wearing only underwear.

'Twas a Monday when one of my offspring (who shall remain nameless just in case she reads this some day) inadvertently left my phone outside.  After awhile I noticed a quiet rain had begun to fall.  Then as one is wont to do I began to wonder where my phone was.

Turns out it had crossed over to that big Apple store in the sky.

Stripped of my personal voice assistant, access to every song in the known universe, and the ability to play the wordle any time and any place, I was left to survive with virtually no connection to the outside world.  I mean, I still had internet access on the computer.  And access to my wife's phone, if needed.  As if any of us can remember anyone's phone number at this point in human existence.

Driving to and from work?  What if I was in an accident?  Had car trouble?  Got lost?  Granted, the last one isn't likely, but at my age you can't completely rule it out.

I think I missed my music most of all.  A couple of times I almost broke down when I started to say, "Siri, play..." before realizing she was no longer there.

And don't even get me started on using the bathroom.  I'm just sitting there, like an idiot, twiddling my thumbs!

At long last, after $623 to pay off my old phone, my new little bundle of memes, songs, and vitriolic political social media posts arrived.

Slowly, things have gotten back to normal.  I'm wordling, sharing hilarious memes, and most importantly of all, listening to any song I want to.

To think we used to have to buy individual albums, then flip the cassette over and guess how long you needed to fast forward the tape so that you could re-listen to a song all because your tape deck didn't have a rewind button.

To think people used to take long car trips with no cell phone.  What happened when they had car trouble?  It's impossible to know.  

Most probably walked to a payphone or got help from a kind passerby.  The rest?  They were most likely kidnapped, tortured, and murdered. Or worse, eaten by wolves or bears.  A lucky few simply starved to death.

Funny to think if I had a question about something, I would have to ask someone and just trust whatever they said.  Or go look it up in my father's twenty-year-old set of encyclopedias.  Thank Al Gore for the internet where anyone can post anything at all so you know you are getting the most complete and accurate information available.

So what was it like without a phone?  Sure it was nice to spend more time with the kids and not have to ask my wife three times what she just said.  

But would I want to go back to a time before phones?

Probably.

But only if you could guarantee I'd have a quality tape deck.  With fast forward and rewind.  

And the Bic pen with the blue cap and clear hexagonal barrel, so that I can spend ten minutes reeling the tape back in when it inevitably unwinds.

Another Alabama spring

Bradford pears are out, you can tell
By the sneezes, the beauty, and the smell
Give those D.C. cherry blossoms a fight
Weatherman calling for storms tonight
Seems strange dodging bullets from the sky
But Mama said we never ask God why
Supper simmers over ashen coals
Dusk giving way to blue bug light glow

When springtime comes to Alabama
Hear the song of the yellowhammer
The southland's in bloom, it's seventy-five
Short sleeves in the day, run the heat at night
Winter wasn't cold but it sure seemed long
Wind thru the whipporwills my favorite song
Our six-month summer will soon be in swing
Here's to one more brief Alabama spring

Ball fields are starting to come alive
Recall playing shortstop in eighty-five
Big League Chew and some orange Gatorade
Something awakens old memories made
Birds headed north, mosquitos eating well
Bid early sunsets a welcome farewell
The air cools nice 'neath the Lenten Moon
Gonna be time to start mowing soon

When springtime comes to Alabama
Hear the song of the yellowhammer
The southland's in bloom, it's seventy-five
Short sleeves in the day, run the heat at night
Winter wasn't cold but it sure seemed long
Wind thru the whipporwills my favorite song
Our six-month summer will soon be in swing
Here's to one more sweet Alabama spring

It's dogwood winter and dirty bare feet
Crane flies mating and a screen door creak
Thunderstorm rain softens rust red clay
And I think of springs so far away

When springtime fades from Alabama
Still hear the song of that yellowhammer
Summertime swells in the land of cotton
Younger days there are not forgotten
Winter wasn't cold but it sure was gray
Closed my eyes and the season slipped away
Thank God for allowing me to see
Another stormy Alabama spring

Bradford pears are out, you can tell
By the sneezes, the beauty, and the smell
Give those D.C. cherry blossoms a fight
Weatherman calling for storms tonight

Pages

I've been trying to smile the way I used to
Been trying to feel each moment rushing by
Been trying to savor every sip of whiskey
Not just swallow it down quick to numb my mind

Been spending more time watching the kids play
Been trying to go easier on myself
I don't know why, maybe it's just what happens
When you've read more pages than there are pages left

I don't get upset when I'm stuck in traffic
I'm not in any hurry to reach the end
Here's to my aging Gen X demographic
And childhoods the world will never know again

Been trying my best to carpe some diems
'Cause there are no more books on my bookshelf
Funny, ain't it, how carefully you turn them
When you've read more pages than there are pages left

Been trying to live life outside my phone
And stop thinking about the bad things at all
But it's hard to hear God's eastern bluebird's song
Over gunfire ringing out in third grade halls

Been trying to teach my kids to show kindness
There's already too much hate everywhere else
You think about the world and how they'll find it
When you've read more pages than there are pages left

Been trying to soak up each pink sky sunset
And the magic I've learned that every morning brings
My favorite place is where she and the kids are
Their smiles and hugs and laughter, my favorite things

I've been trying to smile the way I used to
Been trying to go easier on myself
Sometimes you'd like to start the book all over
When you've read more pages than there are pages left

26 times two

"Time slips away and leaves you with nothin', mister, but boring stories of..." ~ Springsteen

I'd lie in that Beacon Street bedroom, probably 8 or 9 years old, and pray night after night for God to please just let me live to see 1999.  

Why?

There could have been a few reasons.  Early-onset anxiety.  The doomsday preachers at church.  AIDS.  My parents let me watch The Day After.  Whatever the cause, I was sure I would die "young" or that the world was going to end soon.  

My mind was unable to imagine growing up and being an adult.  (Some might say they still can't imagine me as an adult.)  Having a job.  Buying or renting a place to live.  Having kids.  These all seemed like impossibilities to me.  So if I could make it to twenty-six, that felt like a good number of years.  No doubt, twenty-six-year-old me would've vehemently disagreed.

Spoiler alert: I made it.  And by 1999 I doubt I was even thinking about the milestone.  We were more worried about Y2K.  Would clocks run backwards?  Would the government declare martial law?  What was the meaning of "Two thousand zero zero, party over, oops out of time?"  Had Prince known something the rest of us had not?

It appears not.  Unless his song was a revelation of the martial law plot causing them to call it off.  Or maybe Marty McFly had gone back in time and fixed the problem.  That could have happened, I was so confused by the third one I had no idea what year they were in.

Years.  Each once represented such a long span of time.  Now they seem but wisps.  A blur of fading mental photographs and "that was the year we" recollections.

As for 26, it was a big year for me.  Lost a fiancé.  Found some new friends.  It was the year I bought a new truck.  Five-speed.  Engine automatically cut off at 100 mph.  Beacon Street me's mind would have been blown.

Back then, I don't think I ever once tried to picture making it past 26.  And now, as of today, I'm at twice that.  Wishing there was a way to let off the accelerator a little.  

(Hmm, maybe there's a deeper, hidden meaning about human existence and the space-time continuum in Sammy Hagar's I Can't Drive 55, as well!)

But hey, from what I've read during hours spent on Wikipedia, Earth's orbit is actually getting infinitesimally slower due to the sun losing mass.  So go ahead, enjoy an extra nanosecond or two on me.

I like to look at it this way: In little Bone's eyes, I have already experienced two whole lifetimes!

No, the years aren't passing any faster.  But they sure become more valuable once you notice your supply starting to dwindle. 

Death of a season

Dearly beloved, we gather this weekend to commemorate Super Bowl Sunday.  But what we are really doing is saying goodbye, marking the sad but not unexpected death of another football season.  Gone too soon, just like all the others before it.

Oh sure, there's the UFL.  Arena league.  But that's like trying to replace the loss of Aunt Rita by sitting and listening to Uncle Randy drone on and on for two hours about the weather, Ronald Reagan, and being at the urinal next to Roy Clark "that time we went to Branson."  ("I looked over at him and said, 'I'm a pickin.'   'Cept he thought I said peekin'.  We didn't get to stay for the rest of the show.")

So as much of America gathers this weekend putting on brave faces feigning joy and laughter, please remember this is a funeral.  The 2024-2025 NFL and college football seasons.  Gone.  At the senseless age of a hundred and sixty-nine.... days.

That's right, in the time it takes to impregnate a woman (not counting courting her, dating, the inevitable break-up-and-get-back-together, etc.) and see that pregnancy reach minimum viability, football as we know it has been taken from us.

Oh, sure we'll eat -- Mrs. B has planned a menu of buffalo wings and multiple dips.  Probably gorge ourselves.  That's how we drown our pain.  It's a cry for help.

And yes, we will cheer when our team scores a touchdown; or any time they show Taylor Swift.  Where do you think the term "celebration of life" came from?  That's right.  Football.  You're welcome.

And if you're not a fan, let me speak to you if I may for a moment.  Because I know it can be hard to know what to say to someone who has suffered a tremendous, grave loss.

First, let's start by going over what not to say:  

"Hey, March Madness will be here soon.  It'll be ok."  This is well-intentioned, but unhelpful.  March Madness is the three-week bender you go on after your wife leaves you.  Sure you feel better for a little while.  But when it's over, she's still gone, you're out of alcohol, and you beat yourself up asking, "What was I thinking picking UC-Irvine to make the Final Four!?!?"

Then there's the always popular, "It was a beautiful season."  Yes, but what will I do next weekend?  And the next?  And the next?

Last, and most annoying, "You know, there's more to life than football."

...

...

...

Get out!  Get out of my house!  Now!  Go on!

More to life than football.  What do you think I am, some uber-energetic self-starter with three thriving businesses, my own social media platform, and access to the health and financial records of every citizen of the United States of America???

Instead of these tired, cliched phrases, maybe try something consoling like, "You've got to be the strongest person I know."  Or "Hey, I will completely understand if you go into your annual off-seasonal depression now and will not expect you to be productive or want to be around other people until for at least six weeks."

Or maybe bring up a funny, shared memory of the dearly departed.  "Remember back in week one.  The season was so young.  So naive.  We actually thought the Cowboys had a chance to make the playoffs."

So on Sunday, while you're listening to Uncle Randy complain about his gout and realizing your cheese ball will never measure up to Aunt Rita's, God rest her soul, please take a moment to remember those of us suffering.\]

Yes, we go through this every year.  And no--it never gets any easier.

Because while you see Commissioner Goodell awarding the Lombardi Trophy, I see him administering last rites.

Here lies the 2024-2025 football season.  You will be missed.  

OK, maybe not by Giants fans.

A pizza story

"No one gives a damn about the things I give a damn about.  The liberties that we can't do without seem to disappear..." ~ J. Isbell

It was five after eleven Saturday morning.  Warm for February.  At least, warm compared to the Februaries of my youth.  I had on shorts and a Zach Bryan t-shirt.  We were having a postseason pizza party for Luke's basketball team and I had come to pick up our order.

The couple at the counter placed their order then took a seat to wait.  They were one of those couples who favor each other.  Probably wear matching outfits on occasion.

There was only one guy in front of me now.  I had been a little concerned because originally, it had said my pizza would be ready in 15 to 25 minutes.  However, the exclusive pizza tracker hadn't even made it to "bake."  It was still stuck on "prep."  At this point, "quality check" was a distant dream.

I would soon find out why as one of the two employees began bringing boxes of pizza and stacking them on the counter.  The guy in front of me had ordered 30 pizzas.  

What, are you planning to lead legions of kids away from town with mounds of delicious pepperoni and cheese while donning your colorful jerkin?

Finally, Adam -- a name I made up for the male employee -- came over to ask if I had an order.  I was informed it was just now going in the oven.  Then Jewel, which was the name I assigned to the female employee, apologized and informed the room that she had already made over fifty pizzas since arriving at 10:30.

Yeah, that's right, rat catcher, we're all looking at you!

I watched as they worked in tandem, perpetually.  Jewel would make the pizzas and put them in the oven.  Adam would box and cut them and handle the counter.  He was also having to make any deliveries they might have.

As the pepperoni pied piper was finally exiting with the last of his pizzas, another man walked in.  When Jewel cheerfully informed him there would be a 25 to 30 minute wait, he turned and exited.

I pondered what had brought on this situation.  Had someone called out?  Or were they simply short-staffed like seemingly every other business 'neath the sun?

It struck me as remarkable how these two were holding things together, neither of them uttering a single complaint.  

Whatever they were making, it surely was not nearly what they deserved.  I told them as much.  I wondered if they made a living wage, or if they had a second job, or even a third.

I thought about how I, and so much of our society, just relies on these people to be there.  Whenever we want or need or crave.  A pizza, a burger, a taco.  

We take it for granted.  Or I do, anyway.

But I also thought how this particular pizza place on this particular day seemed to be hanging by a thread.  And how many other restaurants, stores and businesses of all kinds, must be facing similar situations.

Lately it feels like society, democracy, the world as a whole is hanging by a thread.   So much of what I have taken for granted for most of my life seems to be in danger of unraveling or being hijacked, if not completely destroyed.  And the majority of those we elected to represent we the people seem to be okay with it.

I think of those who are scared for their jobs, scared for their families, scared for their very lives.  And my heart aches constantly.

Uncertainty is everywhere.  Good things like humanity, compassion, and kindness; they don't seem to be trading all that high right now.

But I'm not gonna sell.  Just going to continue to try to teach the kids about those good things.  Maybe they'll eventually make a comeback.

After all, there's no tariff on kindness.

Not yet anyway.

Somewhat glad to still be alive

The Bones have not been flourishing thus far in 2025.  It's been a good year for anxiety; a bad year for sobriety.

Both Mrs. Bone and I have experienced quite a bit of upheaval at work.  I was informed my position was being discontinued.  No worries, though.  I will simply be transferred to another position; same pay, worse hours.

We found out the daycare we send the kids to for the summer is shutting down.  So we've four months to find another place.  Ha!  I'd have a better shot of getting a liver transplant in that time.

I thought of starting a daddy daycare.  But even just typing that creeps me out, what with Epstein and Diddy, et al.

If I may just say one thing to anyone even thinking of becoming a parent: get on as many waitlists as you can.  Now.  Because every place that isn't openly endangering children has a waitlist.  If you wind up not having a kid and they call you with an opening, there's no cancellation fee.

Then last week, the brakes went out on my car.  And one day the window refused to roll up on the Jeep.  Why was I rolling the window down?  It's literally ten degrees outside.  I don't know.

And now, Mrs. B's car won't start and needs a new alternator.

I've tried to cast a positive spin on each pratfall.  For example, at least I wasn't going 85 on the interstate when the brakes failed.  At least it wasn't raining the day the window stopped working.  I mean, it rained that night, but not like a ton.  And my bath towel and duct tape barrier was barely impenetrable.  (Barely?  Hardly?  I always get those two mixed up.)

Besides, things could always be worse.  Haitian immigrants could have eaten our cat.  I could have been forcibly catheterized.  Or I could be an Auburn fan.

I've been trying to decide on a new family slogan.  You know, something we could all rally around, really get behind.  Here are my ideas so far:

"Taking a nose dive in '25."

"Refuse to thrive in '25."

And probably my favorite so far, "Somewhat glad to still be alive in '25."

But, and this is a huge but -- like if I didn't think it would screw up my sidebar or the rest of this post, I'd put it in 1638 font-size, all-caps, underscored and bold -- none of these things mattered last Tuesday night inside the back gym of the local civic center.

Because what happened there was a near-miracle.  The 8-and-under Magic basketball team won a basketball game.  For the first time in their opposite-of-illustrious history.  

Despite losing their best player and leading scorer to a Christmas day skateboarding injury, and another kid who just stopped showing up.

Despite coming into the game with a record of zero wins and eight losses and having been outscored in those eight games by a combined 180 points to 58.

Despite trailing 11 to 8 in the fourth quarter.

And despite the obvious coaching deficiencies of yours truly.

With hustle and a never-give-up attitude the likes of which I have rarely seen (and one I definitely do not possess), a little luck and possibly divine providence -- I may have said several prayers -- this team overcame it all to defeat the Grizzlies 12 to 11.

Little Ralphie may have summed it up best when he looked at me on the bench, pointed towards the other team and said, "They're losing."

We may not win another game.  (As I look at our upcoming schedule we almost assuredly will not.)  But for one night, the kids were happy, the parents were happy, and I thought to myself, "I wonder if the concession stand is still open."

(It was not.)

"Of popcorn I shall be deprived in '25."   Evidently.

I leave you today with a picture of snow in the deep, deep South.

This is from the uncles' place.... near the Gulf... of America.

God help us.

The blessings of a well-worn snow

"The first fall of snow... is a magical event.  You go to bed in one kind of world and wake up to find yourself in another quite different.  And if this is not enchantment, then where is it to be found?" ~ J.B. Priestly

Snow fell on Alabama last Friday.  With predictions ranging from up to eight inches several days before the event down to one or two inches or maybe just some sleet and freezing rain on the eve of this latest snowpocalypse, the professional prognosticators had all their bases covered, as they are wont to do.

We awoke Friday morning to the pristine, white peacefulness of a freshly fallen snow.  Schools had already announced they would be closed the day prior.  Back in the 80's, that decision wasn't made until Dr. Key, the school superintendent, got out at 5 a.m. and drove around the county to check the condition of the roads.  At least that's the story I was told and still believe to this day.

I was also off work and able to enjoy the day at home.  After years of working in the 911 Center and before that, radio, being expected to show up no matter the weather, nowadays I am considered non-essential.  I know it may sound like a slight at first, but let me tell you, it does not suck.

Snow continued falling throughout the morning, before changing over to sleet and then a gentle rain in the afternoon.  We wound up with around four inches in all.

Snowmen were built, including a "redneck" snowman who we gave lit sparklers for arms and was later shot at with bottle rockets.  Snow creme was made.  Snowball fights were waged.  Heck, Luke and I even recreated the Reliaquest Bowl on the snow-covered field that was our backyard, because... Luke.

On Saturday, I texted Mom to see if she still had snow on the ground.  She texted back with a picture of her untouched lawn.  "Oh yes, still beautiful," was her response.  "What about you?"

"Yep.  Ours has been played in a lot though," I typed as I looked out at the abundance of footprints and barren spots where snow had been scooped up for the aforementioned snowmen, snowballs, and snow creme.

And then she texted one of those lines that stops you for a moment; makes you think.  It causes you to reflect and focus on a singular moment all at the same time.  A statement as simple and as pure as freshly fallen snow.

"That is a blessing to have well-worn snow."

I thought a lot about her statement that day and since.  How glorious the snow looks when it has just fallen and is completely unbothered.  Flawless.  There is a peace, perhaps even a loneliness, that only it can bring.  A silence sometimes so quiet I swear you can hear the flakes gently kiss the frozen ground as they fall.

It starts to look a little messy after people begin to trod through it, and much more so once kids have their go at it.

But there is a different beauty in the imperfection.  Much the same as that of a lived-in house, well-worn jeans, or the weathered hands of an old friend.

Comfort and familiarity filled with memories of life lived, laughter shared, tears shed, people loved.

My kids may never know the joy of waking up at 6:00 a.m to watch the closings and delays scroll across the bottom of the television screen.  Wishing, hoping, praying you'd see your school on the list of cancellations.  And the exuberance when you did.

But may they long know and appreciate the blessings of a well-worn snow.

Redneck Snowman (1/10/25~1/11/25)
"For we all burn as sparklers in the brief hour of life."