Thursday, October 17, 2013

Kids, it's not that difficult

As my blog has evolved, I have gone from posting at near Twitter-speed anytime a thought wafted through my mind, to posting a day or two after an event happened, and now to this.  "This" being some sort of massive blog slowdown wherein I am just now getting around to blogging about Nephew Bone's birthday party.  Which took place in August.  Of 2012.

OK, 2013.  But still.

Is evolved the right word?

Devolved?  Decomposed?

Nephew Bone turned five this year.  Ah, five...  I don't actually remember much about being five.  I think that may have been the year I got my Starsky & Hutch matchbox car.  Nephew Bone had a Duck Dynasty party.

Boy, this post really isn't going anywhere.  I think I will instead make this a general info post on how to throw a proper birthday party for a child under seven.  Yes, that's what I shall do.  I decided that just now, on the fly.

Bone: Making virtually every life decision on the fly since 1980-something.  This explains oh so much.

I know what you're thinking: Bone, you don't even have any kids that we know of.  How would you know anything about throwing a birthday party for one?

Exhibit A: I, Bone, have attended somewhere around EIGHT of these little germ fests over the past five years, so... yeah.

Exhibit B: One of my sister's favorite sayings is "I can't wait 'til you have kids."  I can only take this to mean she knows what an excellent rearer of children I will be and she is anxiously awaiting it, probably in much the same way Houdini's sister anxiously awaited his escape the first time she buried him alive.

(I also wrote a post several years ago wherein I may have poked a little fun at the time-out method of discipline and a couple of people took it to mean I was advocating spanking children.  Yeah, that cost me about half my readers at that time, so I no longer include it on my parenting resume.  I was even reprimanded by the World Order of Mommy Bloggers, aka WOMB.  Ironically, my punishment wound up being, you guessed it, a 15-minute time-out.  Oh well, live and learn.  Or, in my case, just live.  Not all of this paragraph is factual, but probably more than you think.)

Now that we've established my credentials, let's get this party started... in a manner of speaking.

The first thing you're gonna want to do is minimize the number of kids you invite to this party.  This is because of Bone's Theorem of Kids and Fun, which states:  The number of kids at the party is inversely proportional to the amount of fun your child's "adult" friends will have at said party.  And really, what's more important than that?

Chances are your child isn't going to remember this party anyway.  I mean, how many of your birthday parties before the age of seven do you remember?  And besides, are these really your child's friends?  Or are they, more likely, children of your friends whom you have forced upon your child in some sort of medieval-esque arranged friendship.  Hmm?

Mmhmm, stepping on some toes now, am I?

Now personally, I prefer a 1:1 child-to-parent ratio.  I wouldn't go any higher than 2:1.  If someone shows up with more than two kids, I recommend scolding their child in front of them.  It has been my experience that they will leave fairly soon after that.

The second ingredient for a successful children's party is renting one of those cool, inflatable water slides.  Nephew Bone had one of these at his party.  Actually, he's had an inflatable slide at two of his parties, and those were two of the funnest days of my admittedly not-all-that-exciting life.

Going down an inflatable water slide at 40-years-old dressed as Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty... I'm just not sure where else my life has to go after that.

Now, there is one danger of which you should be aware with these inflatable slides.  Inevitably, one of the smaller kids winds up getting hurt by one of the bigger kids and starts crying.  This also happened at Nephew Bone's party.  And no, the "bigger kid" in this instance wasn't me, thankyouverymuch.

Although I did make two kids cry on the trampoline.

But it's not my fault!  I have to do my high jumps!  It's family tradition.

And that's it.  Two simple steps to hosting a successful kids birthday party, from a guy who's never even hosted one. 

If I could proffer one final piece of advice, it would be this:  No one's perfect.  Actually, that's not really advice, is it?

Hmph.  Let's try something else.

Kids are a crapshoot.  We're all gonna make mistakes.  (Well, you're gonna make mistakes. As stated earlier I've not had kids yet, so...)  They're resilient.  They'll adjust.

And if they question you, respond as my Dad always did to me: "Because I said so."  (Bonus side note:  This works OK with kids.  Not as well with girls you may be dating.)

Besides, your kids have most likely figured out by now that you control the flow of Goldfish and juice in the household.  And once that pecking order has been established, what could go possibly go wrong?  And if they're still getting on your nerves, just send them up to bed early.  Problem solved.

Wow, if I already have this much knowledge about kids, once I get a couple years of actual experience, I'm gonna be a scary good parent.

No wonder my sister can't wait.

"Do you think for one minute that this is it / Your party is bogus, yo, it ain't legit / You better put on the Hammer and you will be rewarded / My beat is ever boomin' and you know I get it started..."


  1. The key for a birthday party from my male perspective is to only have female offspring. They want princess parties and such to which I plead ignorance and my wife takes over. That leaves me answering the door and running the grill which isn't too bad as long as the ten screaming girls aren't nearby. When that happens I put in earplugs!

  2. "Scary good" is the perfect description, Bone...haha! This was too funny. I wish you had video of your trampoline high jumps. :)

  3. Please do videotape the first time you change a diaper.

  4. Also, Nephew B should not be 5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Heidi ~ Emphasis on scary? :)

    Ed ~ That's a good plan! I noticed my sister's husband mostly hung out by the grill, too. And they don't even have any girls.

    Sherri ~ Thanks. It is puzzling no video of me and my high jumps has surfaced on YouTube yet. Maybe I'm not as impressive as I think??? Nah! That can't be it.

    TC ~ Well, the next one I change will be the first :)

  6. My poor, poor child. Her first 5 birthday parties were a real mess. I'm pretty sure that she cried at each one. Wait, I don't remember tears at maybe that one was okay?
    Year #2: ended up inviting way too many kids. Not entirely my fault though, how was I supposed to know that her birthday fell in the middle of spring break from school. She tried leaving her party several times.
    Year #3: very small party of just family, but there were still tears...I think it must have been nap-o-clock.
    Year #4: what started out as a fun idea of putting the bows from her presents on her, turned into a gang attack from the other kids.
    Year #5: some miscommunication over WHO would win the game prizes. Darly wanted to be able to win them.

    After year 5 I handed over the party planning to Darly. This has helped a lot as in if something goes wrong, it is NOT MY FAULT! :D

    Our only problem now is to come up with something "Truly Epic!" to top last year's party.

  7. Oh gawd Bone you're too hilarious
    probably in much the same way Houdini's sister anxiously awaited his escape the first time she buried him alive.
    But it's not just the lines. It's the whole tone. Veers just enough away from being assaulted by WOMB
    My sister remembers everyone of her parties and mine too and will tell you in detail how I was the preferred child as witnessed by the amount of kids at my parties vs hers. Never had the heart to tell her that means something else entirely. Probably why she complains that I have more RLF friends, and she even counts that bastion of nothingness--FB. That one makes laugh--kind of hysterically--when she mentions it as it's so meaningless
    I guess I'm trying to explain that kids who compare parties and number of guests will always complain

  8. I want to know why there are no pictures of you going down the water slide or of you dressed like Si.

    In the early years, my parents would force me to invite their friends' kids to my birthday parties. I put the kibosh on that after every single one of those kids acted like an asshole at my party, thus spoiling my big day.

  9. "Going down an inflatable water slide at 40-years-old dressed as Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty... I'm just not sure where else my life has to go after that." WE NEED PHOTOS!

  10. I have to do my high jumps on the trampoline, too--children's welfare be damned!

    Your breakdown here is very good, but I'd work in an Adult Bar next to the Kids' Candy Bar.

  11. WOMB, ha, I like that :) Having never had kids, I've never even thought of birthday is in the summer, which seems like a very good idea--that way, you can avoid the party altogether by--being on vacation. That's the ticket.

  12. Actually, everything's a crapshoot. :)

  13. I'm with Sage. I want to see the photos of you as Uncle Si.. on the water slide. You're a hoot. Fun post. :)

  14. I'm back.

    At the risk of being obnoxious, I wanted to direct you to a post I’ve put up on a not-the-usual blog. Here’s the link, and the password is 28notes.

  15. kids are a crap shoot! too funny! and my blog is decomposed as well! or dissolved! so just like're making others cry 'cause you're better at playing! sheesh bone... NO Wonder you're invited to all the KIDDIE parties! hahahaha ( u know Im only joking!!) kind of :/

  16. Gawd can't you post again? I need to laugh and you make it so easy :) Your posts that is!

  17. Just checking in on Bone...and waving hello. :)

  18. Renee ~ what started out as a fun idea of putting the bows from her presents on her

    Bahahahaaaa! I always cried when I didn't win a game, too. Made for some tough teenage years.

    Pia ~ My sister was always the preferred child, too, so I understand how your sister feels :)

    J Adamthwaite ~ Thanks! :)

    Xinh and Sage ~ I want to know why there are no pictures of you going down the water slide or of you dressed like Si.

    My sister's excuse is she hasn't had time to upload them yet, although I haven't asked in the past few weeks. I assure you, if I get one, I'll make it my new Facebook profile pic.

    Jocelyn ~ Maybe we could work up a synchronized trampoline jumping routine. Although I should warn you, I can't do toe-touches... anymore.

    Actonbell ~ That is an excellent idea. Hey kids, you guys wanna have a crummy birthday party this year, OR go to the beach!?!?! I'm planning all my future impregnations for September/October.

    Madeleine ~ So true.

    Hilary ~ Thank you. I'm really terrible at taking pictures. I need my own personal photographer who travels with me and documents all my adventures. And who works solely for the experience and recognition.

    Jocelyn ~ That was most interesting, and from a perspective I rarely see.

    Lucy ~ Hey, I'm just trying to win by the largest margin possible while keeping up my 25.1 points-per-word career average. If tears are shed as a result, that's the breaks :)

    Pia ~ I was just waiting to see if anyone missed me :)

    Sherri ~ Hello! Sorry for my extended absence :-/