No, that title is not a euphemism. Although I suppose it could be... Uh, let's not even speculate.
It is, rather, one of the traditions of that grand and most under-celebrated holiday of all: A Festivus for the rest of us!
Tonight is my annual Festivus At Bone's party/gathering/communal dinner/spontaneous relationship intervention. What, you thought surely I wouldn't still be celebrating a fake holiday from an episode of a TV show that aired fifteen years ago?
Well, you thoroughly underestimated me. Or is it overestimated?
This will be the ninth year for me to host a Festivus celebration. Or eighth, I'm not entirely sure. It really doesn't matter, for as you'll see in a moment I've taken the liberty of tabbing this the "umpteenth" one anyway.
What? History gets rewritten as time passes. You think George Washington was really the first President? He was probably like the third or something and the other two guys just had bad PR.
By the time I'm done I figure this story will have morphed into me being the inventor of Festivus, who served as a consultant for the episode on Seinfeld
to ensure the integrity of the holiday was not compromised, in the process becoming a comic hero of Larry David and someone he secretly considered funnier than himself... and who was romantically linked at various times in my life to Sandra Bullock, Kate Beckinsale, and possibly John Cusack. (What? We were in Serendipity
together. I was having confusing feelings.)
But for now, I'll have to settle for being known as the guy hung up on some TV show from the '90s who held Festivus gatherings for entirely too many years in a row. Or in other words, the guy who saved Festivus.
As a special treat to you this holiday season, I now present this year's official Festivus Evite (sent out earlier this week so as to discourage :
Bone's Umpteenth Annual Festivus
When: Friday, December 21, at 6:30 PM
Where: Bone's Humble Abode (That's abode, not adobe. Although adobe would be kinda cool.)
Address redacted so as to discourage paparazzi.
You are one of the few souls who have been generously invited to Bone's
Umpteenth Annual "Festivus For The Rest Of Us." I mean, think about it:
Our of nearly 7 billion people in the world, you're one of 15 or 20
(but probably closer to 15) who have been selected. The chosen few.
You have better odds of winning the lottery than being invited to
Festivus! And the lottery would probably be a LOT more fun.
come one, come several. I don't know if there'll be snow, but there'll
be pizza. And probably several little kids. (Did that sound weird? Probably
should take that part out.)
We'll gather round the Festivus
(read: coffee) table to watch the Seinfeld Festivus episode. That'll be
followed by the always contentious, yet lengthy Airing Of Grievances, then the
singing of "Silver Pole." And of course, the night will wind down with
the Feats Of Strength, which this year will consist of someone trying to
beat Bone at Words With Friends. (Nearly impossible.) Or someone
trying to win an arm wrestling match with Lil' Booty. (Less impossible.) Or
most likely, a game of Taboo.
And who knows, if the Mayans are correct, the world might actually end DURING Festivus. Talk about a Festivus miracle!
Who wants to have some fun?
I wanna have some fun! (Yes)
Lalalaaaaa... I don't knoooooow. (Maybe)
I'm outta the contest! (No)
As always, you are all invited. Evite asks you to set a limit on the number of guests, so I put 400. I figure that keeps anyone from feeling excluded while at the same time sufficiently violating the fire code.
And I'm still open to doing an online Airing Of Grievances this weekend if anyone is up for it. Renee? Ed Abbey? Anyone???............ Uncle Leo?
As for tonight, if the world were
to end mid-Festivus, I'm not sure if that would make this the best Festivus ever, or the worst. Hmm. I'll get back to you on that.
Or, I won't.
You know, if... well, obviously.
"Then it's time for Feats of Strength / It's Frank Costanza's big scene / Festivus won't be o'er 'til someone's pinned / 'Neath the silver pole / Silver pole / It's Festivus in the city..."