Friday, December 21, 2012

It's time to get the pole out of the crawlspace!

No, that title is not a euphemism.  Although I suppose it could be... Uh, let's not even speculate.

It is, rather, one of the traditions of that grand and most under-celebrated holiday of all: A Festivus for the rest of us!

Tonight is my annual Festivus At Bone's party/gathering/communal dinner/spontaneous relationship intervention.  What, you thought surely I wouldn't still be celebrating a fake holiday from an episode of a TV show that aired fifteen years ago?

Well, you thoroughly underestimated me.  Or is it overestimated?

This will be the ninth year for me to host a Festivus celebration.  Or eighth, I'm not entirely sure.  It really doesn't matter, for as you'll see in a moment I've taken the liberty of tabbing this the "umpteenth" one anyway.

What?  History gets rewritten as time passes.  You think George Washington was really the first President?  He was probably like the third or something and the other two guys just had bad PR.

By the time I'm done I figure this story will have morphed into me being the inventor of Festivus, who served as a consultant for the episode on Seinfeld to ensure the integrity of the holiday was not compromised, in the process becoming a comic hero of Larry David and someone he secretly considered funnier than himself... and who was romantically linked at various times in my life to Sandra Bullock, Kate Beckinsale, and possibly John Cusack.  (What? We were in Serendipity together.  I was having confusing feelings.)

But for now, I'll have to settle for being known as the guy hung up on some TV show from the '90s who held Festivus gatherings for entirely too many years in a row.  Or in other words, the guy who saved Festivus.

As a special treat to you this holiday season, I now present this year's official Festivus Evite (sent out earlier this week so as to discourage :

Bone's Umpteenth Annual Festivus
Host: Bone
When: Friday, December 21, at 6:30 PM
Where: Bone's Humble Abode (That's abode, not adobe. Although adobe would be kinda cool.) 
Address redacted so as to discourage paparazzi.

You are one of the few souls who have been generously invited to Bone's Umpteenth Annual "Festivus For The Rest Of Us."  I mean, think about it: Our of nearly 7 billion people in the world, you're one of 15 or 20 (but probably closer to 15) who have been selected.  The chosen few.  You have better odds of winning the lottery than being invited to Festivus!  And the lottery would probably be a LOT more fun. 

Nevertheless, come one, come several.  I don't know if there'll be snow, but there'll be pizza.  And probably several little kids.  (Did that sound weird?  Probably should take that part out.) 

We'll gather round the Festivus (read: coffee) table to watch the Seinfeld Festivus episode.  That'll be followed by the always contentious, yet lengthy Airing Of Grievances, then the singing of "Silver Pole."  And of course, the night will wind down with the Feats Of Strength, which this year will consist of someone trying to beat Bone at Words With Friends.  (Nearly impossible.)  Or someone trying to win an arm wrestling match with Lil' Booty.  (Less impossible.)  Or most likely, a game of Taboo.

And who knows, if the Mayans are correct, the world might actually end DURING Festivus.  Talk about a Festivus miracle!

Who wants to have some fun?

Reply options:
I wanna have some fun! (Yes)
Lalalaaaaa... I don't knoooooow. (Maybe)
I'm outta the contest!  (No)

As always, you are all invited.  Evite asks you to set a limit on the number of guests, so I put 400.  I figure that keeps anyone from feeling excluded while at the same time sufficiently violating the fire code.

And I'm still open to doing an online Airing Of Grievances this weekend if anyone is up for it.  Renee?  Ed Abbey?  Anyone???............  Uncle Leo?

As for tonight, if the world were to end mid-Festivus, I'm not sure if that would make this the best Festivus ever, or the worst.  Hmm.  I'll get back to you on that.

Or, I won't.  You know, if...  well, obviously.

"Then it's time for Feats of Strength / It's Frank Costanza's big scene / Festivus won't be o'er 'til someone's pinned / 'Neath the silver pole / Silver pole / It's Festivus in the city..."


  1. I wanna have some fun! (Yes) virtually

    My first grievance is being called out to air my grievances in front of everyone! The NERVE!

    My second grievance is all stores everywhere purposefully not ordering enough supplies for Christmas so that they run out. So what if you have extras after Christmas...I need more red sugar crystals, generic rice krispy cereal and round flat glass ornaments!!!

    I don't know how to do the Feats of Strength over the internet. ;)

  2. oh and the Mayan thing is supposed to go down at 3:10 pm Pacific time. So we'll know before party time if we're all still here or not.

  3. Shopping the other day, I picked up a Mad Magazine (it's for my 14 year old daughter's stocking, I gotta get that girl some culture beyond tennis and singing), but before it went into her stocking, I had to read it and sure enough there was a thing on Seinfield and Festivus and I was thinking,it's about time for Bone's annual post. And, Bone, keep your hands off Sandra Bullock, she's mine. Merry Christmas, you robber of fantasies!

  4. You can trust that if I didn't live an entire ocean and continent away from you... I'd crash this Festivus of yours! Some people live their entire lives waiting to see the 7 Wonders of the World... me? I just wanna go to your party.
    (HAVE FUN!!!)

  5. and who was romantically linked at various times in my life to Sandra Bullock, Kate Beckinsale, and possibly John Cusack. (What? We were in Serendipity together. I was having confusing feelings.)

    Too funny. as was the rest of the post

    I guess the world didn't end.

    I can't wait to hear the Pole song. Actually when you write "pole" and read it out loud to yourself when you're Jewish it takes on a whole other meaning--of now banned humor

    Have a wonderful wonderful party. But not too much fun. Well have fun but feel the guilt. And air those grievances

  6. lol...I'm so happy the world didn't end - was your Festivus party a resounding success? I sure hope so. It was also my 51st birthday, so I'm glad I got to start the second half of my century on an earth that is still here. :)

    Have a wonderful Christmas, Bone - sending you good wishes from our house to yours!

  7. My grievance to air is why the heck they decided to put Iowa in the middle of the country so far from the ocean.

    Also, why can't they come up with a minivan with a separate compartment for the driver completely isolated from the rest of the minivan for those 18 hours drives!

  8. I don't know how to tell you this without ending our relationship, but.....

    I have never seen the Festivus episode of Seinfeld.

    I know it's from Seinfeld. I know all of the elements. I have been to Festivus events.

    But I've never seen the episode.

  9. Renee - They're infringing on your right to last-minute shop!

    I'm sure you'll have another grievance once you receive my Human Fund donation card.

    Sage - I didn't know Mad was still around. Good to see it's still a high-quality publication after all these years. Don't be surprised if you get one of these for Christmas, Sage.

    Robyn - Some people live their entire lives waiting to see the 7 Wonders of the World... me? I just wanna go to your party.

    I wonder how many people out there have that exact sentiment. OK, probably just you :) I may use that next year in my Evite!

    Pia - If the world would have ended, I think sitting around with your friends telling them all the ways they've disappointed you is where I'd want to be.

    Guilt is an integral part of Festivus, I think.

    Sherri B - I don't know about a success, but yes, it was resounding :)

    I think the Mayans knew better than to interrupt your birthday celebration. Happy (belated) birthday, happy Festivus, and happy Christmas!

    Ed - I like your minivan idea. So would it be more like a limo, with a divider window you could roll up, or more like a prison van, with a steel cage?

    Cami Smith - I am not sure how we are supposed to get past this. Also, I want my Human Fund card back. To think, I donated to a fake charity in your name!

  10. I'd like to grieve that this wasn't live blogged!

    Also, I'd like to grieve against grown men (no need to name names, you all know who you are) using words/phrases that include "totes," "probs," and "ridic," to name but a few. I'll give 13-year-olds a pass on those for a few more years...but not adults...

    Happy Festivus! Are you going to share the grievances against you? (That's a hint. You must.)

  11. On the way to church yesterday we saw someone coming out of Starbucks with "Happy Festivus! For the rest of us" painted on their car.

    I found it ironic.

    Actually I won't be upset about the Human Fund donation as I find them to be a charity of the utmost integrity and donate to them frequently.

  12. I'm glad the world didn't end. That would've been a bummer for your party.

    And to be the opposite of Cami, the Festivus episode is the only Seinfeld ep that I've seen in its entirety.

    Happy holidays!!

  13. Hey, I was linked to John Cusack as well.....

    The world did not end for me. I can't say I was waiting too hard though.

    Sorry I missed Festivus.

  14. LOL, hate that I missed Festivus. Who won the feats of strength? We must get a recap.

  15. TC - Your grievance is completely luda. Totes!

    I suppose I could share the grievances against me, taking liberties, of course, to leave out the ones I don't want everyone else to know about.

    I'll have to see if I can find the grievance worksheets.

    Renee - It's "money for people." How can you go wrong?

    Xinh - I've shown the Festivus episode at every Festivus, so I'm pretty sure several of us can quote most of it by heart now.

    Cooper - Festivus is sorry it missed you.

    Kontan - The feats of strength this year wound up being Family Feud on the Wii. Guys against girls. The guys won two games and the girls won one.