Thursday, June 21, 2012

Dipping a toe in the metrosexual pool

I suppose it all started about six weeks ago.  That's when I glanced down and noticed I had a big potato chip crumb caught in my chest hair.

As I nibbled on said crumb (What?  They were Munchos.  Plus, I shower. At least six days a week.) I began to ponder life.  More specifically, my life.  And most specifically, my chest.  Was it growing where I wanted it to grow, or was it out of control?  Did I need to make drastic chest changes?  Was this a sign from above,or simply a result of sloppy eating and rather poor posture?

Who can really say?  It's nebulous.

I'm fully aware it was only last year that I took a vow of shaving abstinence.  But seriously people, food was getting stuck.  And so, with the shirtless summer season upon us, I took the plunge into the metrosexual pool.

I trimmed my chest.   

Just a little!  It was like mowing the lawn down there.  Not even really a full mow, just evening it out a little.  More like hedge trimming.

OK, so maybe I only stuck my toe in the metrosexual pool.

Anyway, now that it's done, I gotta say I kinda like it.  Sure, a few more crumbs may end up on the floor, but I probably needed to vacuum anyway.  I find myself looking down my shirt at random times throughout the day, just checking it out. Which can be a little awkward when someone walks in at work.

Also, as long as I was, uh, in the neighborhood, I went ahead and trimmed my underarm hair, too.  I'm sorry, but it was a bird's nest under there.

Which brings me to my next point.  Or maybe my only point.  And that is, I get tired of all this maintenance.

Ear hair, nose hair, chest hair, underarm hair.  Now I'm sitting here looking at my toe hair.  I guess I'm gonna have to trim that, too. Where does it end?  What is it all for?  Women?

I've seen cavemen on TV.  They get women, and they're not shaving.  Granted, in most of the footage I've seen they hit the woman over the head with their club then drag her back to the cave.  I'm not sure if courts today would view that favorably, but surely there must be another way.

I was watching an old Police Story last night, and David Groh took off his shirt so they could put a wire on him.  It was like a bearskin rug under there.  Man, I would have rocked the seventies!  Chest hair, lava lamps, nobody looking at you funny when you're singing along falsetto to "Stayin' Alive."  I really wouldn't have to change that much.

OK, I've strayed off my topic a bit.  What was my topic again?  Oh, right, how hard it is being a man.

But alas, even as I gripe and wax defiant, I do so having already acquiesced to a degree.

I just hope my chest hair heroes -- the two Tom's, Selleck and Wopat -- aren't too disappointed.

"Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk / I'm a woman's man / No time to talk..."


  1. haha! I smiled when I saw there was a new Bone post in my newsfeed...and then I laughed, as always, while I read your words. I'm so glad you got that off your chest! :)

  2. They need to come up with a hair removing body wash. That would make hair removal so much easier.

    I've slipped to the point that I only shave during the summer when it is hot. In the winter, I just damn the torpedoes and turn into grizzly Adams. But then, I am married and have no one to impress.

  3. Careful there Bone, you don't wanna end up getting rid of muffin stumps. ;o)

  4. In this day and time, the only man who is really pulling off the whole "grizzly bear" thing is Tom Selleck. It's just a fact. Everyone else is pretty much needing a trim.

    Also. Hard being a man?! You're killing me!! Women are expected to be virtually hairless wonders from the neck down, and you're frustrated by a little trimming?? YOU KILL ME.

  5. You are definitely not cut out to be a caveman!

  6. Really? If I ain't shaved since the 80s, you can bet your last dollar I've never done anything with chest hair!

  7. I'm with Cami. Quit yer bitchin' about hairless maintenance. Women have been shaving, waxing, tweezing, stringing, and Nair'ing all parts of their bodies for centuries, all to get rid of hair.

    I am all for men shaving their armpits. For me, it's a matter of hygiene. Hairy pits trap bacteria that cause odor. Ick.

    And not to get too TMI, but did you also do a little manscaping "down there"?

  8. Sherri - I'm so glad you got that off your chest!

    Perfect :)

    Ed - It's just such a chore these days. I remember being like 12-years-old and pretending to shave with Dad's razor. It was a treat. Now? Just the opposite.

    Renee - I know. I was afraid I was gonna start out just doing a little evening up, and then before I knew it... gone!

    Cami Smith - So most women aren't naturally hairless??? :)

    Gautami - Well, the no shaving would've been right up my alley. But sleeping on the hard ground, not having air conditioning, plumbing, or hand sanitizer, yeah, it would've been tough for me :)

    Sage - LOL Good to know, Wolfman.

    Xinh - Really? I would think completely shaving the armpits would increase sweating. I know since I shaved my head, it seems to sweat a lot more.

    As for your question, I wasn't sure if we were all ready for that level of familiarity yet.

  9. No, it doesn't increase sweating. You sweat as much as you sweat; it's just that there's no hair there to catch it.

    I wonder why it's okay for guys to have hairy pits but not okay for women.

  10. When I was little, something possessed me to cut the hairs on my big toes. Now I have really hairy big toes. Luckily, I'm very fair so you can't really tell... but don't do it! Trim your toes, and the next thing you know, you're a hobbit!

    Great post - made me chuckle!

  11. Xinh: In other countries women don't shave their pits unless they're models. I'm pretty sure we didn't start shaving here until swim suit models were invented.
    We were probably fed some line of bull about how it's more hygienic and all.

  12. My shirts are always much cleaner when I have a beard.
    My question is, when I shave my head, how far down my back should I go?

  13. This post reminded me to shave, so thanks. I'd missed a spot last time and was going crazy.

    Women aren't expected to be hairless just from the waist down, but everywhere except the tops of their heads. And there they are expected to have a lot. I went to school with a girl who had the misfortune of having a mustache. They picked on her all the time, so she shaved it. Then they picked on her for that. She couldn't win. Most women can't.

    You're trimming up for yourself, Bone, not because society has really demanded it. I mean, how many people saw that crumb? Maybe one?

    If it makes you happy, though, go for it. But if you start scheduling mani/pedis, you might need help.

  14. Wax defiant!! I love it. Yikes, wax is another topic.

    I hate to vacuum, but yes, it's better than wearing--all kinds of stuff, if you can help it. I mean, if you're wearing your Wheaties in your chest hair, it's gonna wind up everywhere you go, anyway, which means MORE VACUUMING. I don't think it's dipping in the metro sexual pool to groom all your hair, especially if it cuts down on housework.

    Housework makes you ugly, so shave away.

    Great post:)

  15. fyi: they make these trimmers that have adjustable guides so you can keep the length where you want it (within the parameters of the preset guide lengths). Then you'll never be uneven or bald. ;o)

    and I agree with TC that men should do their own mani/pedi.

  16. Um, perhaps we have different ideas of mani/pedi Renee, as I wasn't advocating he get one of those portable foot baths or tools and stuff...

  17. What can I say but....PICTURES?

  18. You think being a man is hard? Try being a woman, and having to shave your legs at LEAST once a week and your pits every day, eyebrow plucking once every other month, upper lip hair bleaching, bikini waxing, putting on makeup every time you go out, getting a period once a month (if that doesn't happen, you're screwed. literally.) and also having to worry about getting a man BESIDES all that jazz. Not to mention the walk of shame.

  19. no I wasn't advocating the portable foot bath either...just regular nail maintenance...trimming and filing down the sharp bits.

  20. Hairwise I have been lucky. Most went to my head. However I would have loved some more eyebrows and that's as far as I will go...

  21. Where is Bone?? Surely you'll have a Fourth of July adventure to tell us about. :)

    Happy Fourth to you!

  22. Bone, thanks for your very sweet words about my blog/poem post...and for making me laugh with your "eh" comment. lol :D

  23. Xinh - I dunno. Why is it OK for women to carry a purse, but not so much for a man? You think it doesn't get uncomfortable having a wallet, keys, nail clippers, chapstick, Breath Savers, etc. crammed in a pocket? :)

    J Adamthwaite - I love that you just confessed that :) This is why I blog.

    Renee Nefe - Newman: "From what I hear the Serbs are fanatic about their showers."
    Jerry: "Not from the footage I've seen."

    MarkD60 - Ha! Fortunately, I have not been blessed/cursed with back hair yet. I think I'll have to defer to your significant other on that question.

    TC - You need reminders to shave? Maybe you should consider adding that to your Google calendar :)

    Yeah, I remember a couple of girls in schools that had really hairy arms. Like hairier than most of the guys. That's gotta be tough.

    No, I'm not trimming it for me. I'm trimming it because I don't want to be "that guy" at the beach or pool.

    Actonbell - Thanks! Your comment made me think maybe I should just invent a chest vacuum. BOOM, problem solved. And if I become wealthy in the process, so be it.

    Renee - This is what I kept thinking about when I started trimming: "Well, I noticed an assymetry in my chest hair today, and I was trying to even it out. And the next thing I know...GONE!"

    TC - I'm pretty obsessive about my nail clippers. I think that will suffice for now.

    Cooper - I considered that. I think we'd have to take a vote and let the majority rule. That's one "for." All opposed?

    Lindsay Maroon - OK, I forgot all about the walk of shame. I'll give you that one :)

    Renee Nefe - So no more biting them?

    Madeleine Begun Kane - Thank you!

    Pia - Oh, I've had a few eyebrow hairs going crazy, too. I forgot to mention those. It never ends!

    Sherri B. - You're very welcome. I had a typical comment all typed up about how beautiful it was and what not, then I just decided it might be funny to change it up a bit :)

    Sorry about my little extended absence.

  24. Chips in the chest hair! From now on, I'm calling you "Chip."

    There's something fun about the trimming--just make sure you're sober when you take a notion to prune climes even further south than you've already explored. At least you're probably cooler now? Maybe?

  25. Guh! What, next you'll be walking into the men's room and using the urinal right next to the one other guy already in there with all the other urinals unoccupado. I'm scared for you!