Saturday, March 10, 2012

The void in my life

I fought it as long as I could. But even I must admit, there is a void in my life. A vast wasteland of nothingness that is as gray and desolate as the surface of the moon (minus the dazzling view of Earth). Yes, I'm speaking of that annual three-fortnight span known as sports purgatory.

It's a term I first introduced you to in 2009, referring to the space between the end of football season and the beginning of March Madness. You may recall that in past years to try and fill the void, I resorted to things like becoming an avid curling fan and leading the Chicago Bulls to the 1992 NBA title.

This year, for the first couple of weeks, I actually thought I might sneak through without those familiar feelings of despondency and hollowness returning. Oh, foolhearted self!

At first, it was going OK. But eventually, the euphoric afterglow of another Bama national championship began to fade a bit. I mean, there's only so many times you can re-watch a game. (Currently, I'm at five.) And so, I found myself back where I always knew I'd be -- grasping at straws to once again try and fill the empty spaces.

How bad has it gotten? Well, I'm glad you asked.

This week was Alabama's pro day. For those of you who don't live-eat-sleep-and-breathe college football 366 days a year (it's a leap year), that is the day when players hoping to be drafted work out for NFL scouts and coaches. They're measured for things like vertical jump and 40-yard dash time.

So after reading every article I could find about how all the players did, I went out and ran a 5.3 40. I was pretty proud of my time, although the people at work were looking at me kinda funny when I was sprinting across the parking lot.

In other God-help-me-I-need-some-sports-in-my-life news:

I watched two NBA games. All the way through. And not even playoffs. Regular season games. How many games do they play anyway, like sixty?!?! And they're calling this a short season???

The other night I was bored, so I started shooting free throws on my Nerf goal. I sank 23 out of 25. It was probably my best sporting accomplishment in several years. (Actually, I can't blame this one on sports purgatory, as I'm apt to do this at any time throughout the year. And yes, I have a Nerf goal. In my living room. How old am I? Why do you ask?)

I've also gotten into The Voice. Me! I detest reality shows. Oh, and I'm pretty sure I've developed an unhealthy man-crush on Adam Levine. Like I want us to be friends and hang out. Just me and him though, no one else. I'd get jealous.

Tonight, I watched part of the Louisville-Cincinnati basketball game. Did I enjoy it? Not really. It's more of an IV drip just to keep me alive until March Madness, which cannot get here fast enough.


I couldn't wait. I filled out a bracket today. I don't even know who's playing yet. The brackets don't come out until Sunday evening. You think that's easy? This is what comes from living under purgatorial conditions. Besides, I figure I've probably picked North Carolina to make the Final Four seventeen out of the last twenty years, might as well go ahead and pick them again.

When assessing the effects this year's sports purgatory has had on my behavior, however, perhaps no single thing is more telling than this: I've actually gone out and done stuff a couple of times this week. With people!

I don't even know who I am anymore.

"If you're going through hell, keep on going. Don't slow down. If you're scared, don't show it. You might get out 'fore the devil even knows you're there..."


  1. humm I got nuttun to say bowt dat. (my best Forest Gump impression)

  2. I'm sorry about sports purgatory but I'm glad (gasp) you did things with real people

    Guess how I found this post? Hint: you didn't tell me :) Nor did I come from my blog or anybody elses

  3. You should get into British football during the hiatus (soccer?). There's nothing BUT going on here!

  4. Man crush on Adam Levine? Not Blake Shelton? :-)

  5. Breathe deep, Bone! We're almost there!

  6. Renee - Haha. I'm so glad you explained what that was :) And come on, I know you secretly love my sports posts.

    Pia - Umm, you have a sixth sense about my blog? :)

    J Adamthwaite - I've considered that. Two problems: I don't think they televise that much here. Also, I'd have to learn all the players' names.

    Xinh - Yep. Blake's funny sometimes, but I'm more of an Adam guy. Plus Blake's married, so he probably wouldn't be able to hang out much anyway.... not that I've put a lot of thought into it or anything.

    Mama Zen - I know. At least now I can start filling out my real brackets.

  7. I always miss the football games on the weekends for a while. I never watched basketball. I don't like it because the score is always something like 99-100 and they break the last seconds down into thousandths. Might as well watch only the last few seconds.

    Baseball is good to go to a game but sucks on TV. Hockey is good only if you have nosebleed seats. Bowling and golf suck.

    Football for me.

  8. Poor baby. This surely qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment? Fear ye not, help is at hand - I'm organising an emergency fund-drive to set you up with your very own help-line, but um, 'fraid you'll have to hang on in there until next year..

  9. The only sport I enjoy watching is figure skating. The only sport I enjoy doing is .. uh .. uh ..uh.. does walking count? :)

  10. I bet you do better on your bracket with not even knowing who is playing than I will once we do know who is playing whom. We really should compare. :-)

  11. Ah, so this is what all the blue mood stuff is about! It seemed so strange, since the weather's been remarkable. I didn't know who Adam Levine was, so I googled and saw an image I didn't particularly want to see. Thanks, Bone:) Enjoy March Madness!

  12. lol...poor Bone. Have any of your nights out been with Adam L.? Just curious. :D

  13. Bone, you kill me. I wish - WISH - I could be into sports, even if it's the slightest. A friend tried to get me into football once, and kind of succeeded. I'm in so Cal, so it's Charger frenzy over here. Watching the games gave me anxiety - dropped balls (balls!), bad passes, interceptions - it was infuriating. So I stopped. It's tough for me to get the obsession, though, but at the same time I never dis anyone who's into sports. At least you're not doing drugs or killing people (that we know of). As for Adam Levine, I have a crush on him also, but I imagine they are for completely different reasons. :)

  14. You may need a 12-step program.... :D See, I read and you didn't even need to remind me.

  15. Could you maybe read a sports-ish book? Only for those three days, mind you. I'm not suggesting a permanent reading program WHEN THERE ARE BIG MEN RUNNING AROUND DOING THEIR BALL TRICKS. But maybe some memoir by a broad-shoulder fellow who took one too many hits?

  16. I almost always pick Carolina, too. This year, we may have a regional treat (Carolina vs NC State, but State will have to beat Kansas first). Don't know what happened to Duke... Welcome to March. Baseball will be staring soon and this summer I already have trips planned out for Chicago and Pittsburgh plus the local minor league teams...

  17. MarkD - I kind of agree about basketball, at least in the NBA. Could just skip the first 3 quarters and get to the good stuff. And yeah, baseball, much better in person.

    Shrinky - Yes, a help-line would be good. Maybe I'll try starting a support group next year.

    Madeleine - Walking? For some reason, and I don't know why, I always figured you could juggle.

    Murf - We really should! There should be a national blog-your-bracket day.

    Actonbell - Took me a second to think of what you might be referring to. Then I remembered when I Wikipedia'd him, there was something about a nude photo shoot. Uh... sorry? :)

    Sherri B - No. But we have a standing date, every Monday night.

    Sean P - Oh, football is infuriating, even for me who doth love it. I think the best definition I've heard/given is "a constant state of anxiety with brief moments of relief and elation." Who wouldn't love that!

    We need to make a pact here. All I ask is that if you meet Adam, you introduce us eventually.

    Carnealian - Don't I have to admit I want to get better before that will work?

    Jocelyn - Oh, that cracked me up. I cannot wait until there are "big men running around doing their ball tricks" again!

    Sage - Just remember, every time Duke loses, an angel gets its wings.

  18. Hello? Can you hear me? Anyone there?